How do I make peace with this?

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DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

P.S though Pp taking a more philosophical approach about looking at what moving on means are offering a more effective route to emotional equilibrium.

OP needs to take the best bits of her DM and make it work for her. Great relationship with the grandchildren - make it fit around her family.

where OP lives - presumably it now suits OP and her family but if not, no obligation to stay near DM.

The problem with the “equity not equality “ thing is that it effectively penalises a child for being financially prudent. Don’t worry about working or saving because mum and dad will make it all even anyway.

Fuck that! Don't make peace with it. You don't have to swallow the Hury or being treated unfairly, like lesser than. She make an awfully unfair stupid choice and she should deal with the natural upset and damage to your relationship this has caused. Tell her exactly how you feel.

i suspect internalised misogyny at work here and she believes the men deserve the money more than a woman. No way would I be waiting on her hand and foot if my mother put my siblings over me like this
I would calmly point out to her that she is favouring her sons. A lot can happen in a few years and there's no guarantee that you're always going to be protected by your husband's salary.
Make no promises to care for her if she needs it, you'll only resent it more.
Whilst she may have considered this a fair split for whatever reason it is souring the relationship now as you feel less valued than her other children.

Can’t offer help OP sorry but here to read the advice and be here in solidarity as I am in a similar situation.

My mother had two sisters and a brother, the brother went to America in the 1960's, started a business and became a millionaire. It was a loving and close family, but my grandmother decided she didn't want their hard earned money going to America and cut her son out of her will.

My uncle wasn't bothered, but my mother and aunts felt it was unfair, so when my grandmother died and the money was distributed, they put their money together, split it four ways and sent my uncle his share even though he had no need of it.

Would your siblings do this?

and also it does not take into account the vagaries of life.

The higher earning child gets a vicious divorce, or goes into massive debts, or has a terrible illness, or a disabled child that obliterates their savings and kills their financial prudence.

I believe in an equal split. Always. because anything else implies a value judgement on behalf of the parents.

I am very (very) close to a siutuation where the shares were NOT made equally because one of the siblings was financially struggling. The major recipient has a drug and gambling habit. He snorted and gambled half a million within 12 months of probate being granted.

The other much lesser share went into a trust for a very severely SEN child.

i strongly believe split equally among beneficiaries. You have no say what happens after that. At least don't punish the fiscally prudent because they have been fiscally prudent throughout their lives.

My mum had a lot of money
she developed dementia at 74
the whole lot went to pay for her care
no skin of my nose ,I wasn’t expecting any money anyway
my point being
none of you may not get it anyway

@Ursuladevine You're being patently unfair and bullheaded with the OP-the @OP is taking care of her elderly mother emotionally and physically yet gets shafted by the self same parent for her other siblings who aren't doing the donkey's worth of work for it! It doesn't matter if she's got the riches of a middle eastern oil tycoon to be passed over and disfavored like that? Hell no I'd step way back and when questioned by my parent why the change I'd tell her to spend her estate on others to wipe her butt or call the favored siblings or wipe her butt with her money because I'd be out of there. I really doubt the OP would treat her children like this

@Ursuladevine put the wine down, love. You're being laughably ridiculous.

I think anyone would find it hard to make peace with that. I can't really understand anyone who doesn't have the intelligence to realise how hurtful it is to share resources unequally between their DC. My parents have always been scrupulously fair about treating us all equally.

This happened to 2 colleagues of mine. One colleague got nothing whilst the golden child who had influenced the mother got everything. In the other case my colleague got everything leaving her brothers with nothing ( she had done the lion share of caring I think). She shared the money out equally as any decent person would. I have tended to do the most caring for my DF - I was the only one who visited him during the pandemic and I am the only one who isn't retired but it still never crossed my mind to expect more from my DFs will.

OP how's your relationship with your brothers? Might they do the decent thing and share the estate with you?

I would never favour one of my children over another. My children know everything will be equal regardless of how successful financially either of them are.

I find it strange that your mum, may have come to that decision as your DH is a high earner, what if that was no longer the case, due to health or your marriage breaking down OP, where would that leave you?

Unfortunately, sometimes the child that does more for the parent is often under appreciated, seen it many times over the years.

No idea how you can move on and accept her decision without feeling resentment.

Given your relationship and her reasons for the split, I would be absolutely crystal clear about what happens if and when she needs care.

you need to be clear with your siblings too. I’ve seen a situation where the siblings who live miles away put increased pressure on those local to the parent to take on the care responsibilities as they don’t think they should go into a home (read that as you like but I could only read it that they wanted their inheritance protected from care home fees!). Those living furthest, do least but will expect the same share.

be clear now and make sure you follow through with this. It won’t diminish your love for your parent but don’t be treated as a doormat.

Why is there an expectation that you will do the care Op?

Because you have always done so so far when necessary?

I'd have no qualms at all about not doing care for someone who can easily afford it.

And obviously thinks fuck all about me!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's shit. And you know it.
I would step back from her, but if space and definitely stop being helpful. Maybe visit but don't do any extra.

Wow, that's appalling. I don't think I could get past that.

I would tell her now she need to get paid care in. Stop running around after her, she’s showing you that she doesn’t value it, and it’s not about money it’s about fairness.

My in-laws are similar, but are actually leaving everything to the wealthiest branch of the family.
The only way we could reconcile it was to take a giant step back from them. DH felt it sent a clear message that he wasn’t relevant, so to accept that he became less a part of their lives and we focus on our own family.
You either have to accept her decision or take steps to make yourself feel better about it. Maybe phone your siblings and tell them directly they are going to have to do more helping with your mum as your life is ‘busier’ now. You don’t have to do anything drastic, but do something that helps you to feel better about it all. I really wouldn’t make yourself available in her old age though. I would leave her to use her money to pay for any care she needs.

Agreed. My dad died and he split his money equally between his long time GF, my Dsis and I.

DSis is a saver and hard worker. A career woman working 60+ hours a week. She says herself that she's not maternal and her kids have been raised by childminders and nurseries. Now Dsis has a fortune. She has money I can only dream of but she and her DH don't spend any. The whole family shared a single bath of water when the kids were growing up. They eat Aldi food only. Christmas and birthday gifts for their kids are mainly second hand stuff from car boot sales. And that's their choice! There's nothing wrong with how they do things and they shouldn't be penalised for it.

I have never wanted to live like that. I am very maternal. I gave up work to be a sahm and as such, we never got out of renting. I didn't sacrifice things to be successful like DSis did. I didn't deserve more of dad's money because I'm poorer and neither did DSis for working harder than me.

Equally shared will was fair.

That's awful OP.

Interesting.
Why do you think you should "make peace with it"?

This. Your siblings should agree with you that they will in fact share and divide equally to include you.

I totally totally get this. My parents both died and my father who was last to go was penniless. But my DM who was good with money was zealous about treating myself and my sib totally equally when it came to gifts and finance.

She never once gave me less because myself and my then DH had high paying jobs etc etc and my sib was single and had less. My sib totally got it. And guess what - 18 years down the line my sib is in a better financial situation than me marginally - they are married and I am single.

No one knows what the future holds - so maybe use that argument.

I don’t think you are greedy or anything at all. It’s the principle. All children should be treated equally in these matters unless one had a significant disability or required life long care etc.

That's the most hurtful thing for a parent to do,unless there were mitigating circumstances.

She's of the mindset your husband will look after you.