How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

@MissingYellowzigzags I'm so sorry your mum has been so hurtful and unfair. I'm afraid I couldn't get past this and I don't think you should. I would pull right back and let my DM know why.

Ps ignore cuntychops poster. There's always one 🙄

It wasn’t

but it is what most elderly people are most fearful of

and “wiping your arse” is something that goes hand in hand with dementia

How often do you see her and what is she expecting from you in the near future?

yanbu it’s a shitty thing she’s doing.

Give it a bloody rest

Oh Ursula give up!! It's called humour!!!
Or For all you know she might not have even said those exact words to her mother, she could have just written it on here!!

As I've said previously, I care for my mum and we always joke about how I wipe her bum! I also cared for my grandma years ago and she would often laugh and say 'never thought I'd have my granddaughter wiping my ar*e' - it's humour! And it's how some people deal with those kinds of situations!!

Lighten up, I'm glad I'll never be wiping your bum 🤣

Don’t worry.
I will bow out.

very much a post that I’d be fascinated to hear the DM’s view on it

i agree with the poster who says do not wipe her arse - that will have to be a paid carer. I think I would get together with siblings and draft up an agreement that they share out between the three of you what's left to them. Make it clear to siblings that if they don't get behind you then there will be nothing left because it will all have gone in care fees.

She really is being VERY hurtful. Especially given that you TOLD her that you found this hurtful and she ploughs on with the decision that she knows is hurtful to you. She can't even please crossed wires or ignorance. she is choosing to do something very hurtful.

So the fact that she hasn’t got, nor may never get dementia makes it irrelevant to your comment. You can’t just throw an illness in there because it suits your argument.

I couldn't personally make peace with it.

i would tell my brothers that I would not be stepping in to care for my dm when the time came and that it would be up to them to arrange any care or poa when necessary.

I've always had a tricky relationship with my dm because she prefers boys, however her will is split equally.

Yup. I’ve said this myself to our kids, as an joke exemplar. They then agreed to the japanese loo that does it automatically. :)

That is just shocking and understand how you must be feeling. Are your brothers living abroad or close. Let her pay for a carer to look after her as not fair that you should be expected to do it all and she has not shown you the respect at all. My dad left us all some money but not a high figure that is in your mum's will but left one brother out which it is not about the money but about being left out and how it makes that person feel, but some family members can influence the parent's will. Could this have happened in your situation? Your brothers should give you something if they have any heart at all as it is quite a large sum of money. I think you should talk to someone about it, even a few sessions to make peace with it all as this is awful situation and what is the reasoning behind your mum's decision. Horrible thing and she should tell you and does she not realise how this will effect you. So sorry you are going through this. Talk to someone and try to let it go or it will drive you mad but tell her she can organize a carer as too painful for you.

I would find this really difficult and think ultimately I would step back.

I agree with you OP is has absolutely to do with the money but everything to do with how much you are valued and respected. It's a case of fairness.

If it was me I think I would step back.

I would take a step back from your mum, I wouldn't be able to get over the unfairness. Perhaps paying for her own future care using the value of her home is going to be the result.

Your mother has behaved spectacularly badly over this. There's no excuse whatsoever for her to be so unfair to you.

I think I would have a conversation with her and make it clear that you've understood her position and that it has made clear your value to her. It is not rude or manipulative to point that out. You can tell her that she is quite wrong about your DH's earnings as well. Then I would suggest she uses some of her money to pay for personal care and assistance in the future as you don't feel you are the appropriate person for that.

I would honestly try to back away from any situation that increases your resentment here. Your feelings are entirely valid and her position is really poorly thought out but you may never change her mind.

Another one saying I would find that really hurtful it is basically sexist. I think I too would be keeping contact purely social as long as that was something I was still enjoying. Let you brothers pick up more of the slack or let your mum make alternative arrangements eg for cleaner etc. I certainly would be caring for her if she needed another operation!
What do your brothers think? Would they agree to a deed of variation after your mum dies?

Agree with Girl in the Frame above take a step back but tell your mum and this will help you make peace with it all. Also talk to your siblings and tell them that they will be organizing the care for your mother when she needs it as you are very hurt. Money changes people and I would ask the siblings outright will they be giving you some money. Very hurtful and seems spiteful thing that your mum is doing.

This is awfull OP. It’s simply just not fair and i wouldn’t be able to continue a relationship with the parent doing this.

@Billybagpuss i see her all the time - at least 2-3 times a week. We moved 100 miles a few years ago so we were around to help her out as she got older - that was our choice, there was no pressure. She is the most amazing involved granny (before someone asks, she helps out with childcare if we are stuck, but we have a nanny for day to day life. We have offered to pay and she has always declined….presumably it’s been chalked up in her secret spreadsheet along with all the hours her and I have hung out together over the years) I love her so much….this is why this hurts so much.

In a way, it's helpful you've found this out now. She's under no obligation to tell you what's in her will, she could have left this to be sprung on you after her death when you had done years of care. Or she could have shown you a will dividing things equally but then changed it at a later date. Plenty of people leave it to a donkey charity or something to spite relatives.

I'd just ask tell her how you feel about it and decide how much time you're prepared to commit to her in view of the rank unfairness.

Has she been like this all your life? Maybe you'd be happier without inheritance but with the dignity of not chasing the money from someone who treats you like this.

Have you upset her by asking about the will the past few years? If she'd died without a will, I think it would have been divided between you equally? Unless there's a spouse about.

She needs to use the one million pounds to pay for her own care and you need to step back. It's incredibly sexist that the male siblings inherit & you don't while expected to do the care......... It's time to redress this, if your siblings want to inherit then they need to earn it by doing their mum's care. I would actually move three hours away to ensure that I don't end up doing it.

Why would she expect you to do any 'caring' at all when her estate is worth £1 million. That alone should tell you what sort of mother she is and what value she places on your life. Unless it's the old beholden because of childcare arrangement where many families come unstuck as parents age.
Step right away.

I'd go for therapy @MissingYellowzigzags not because there's anything wrong with you, but so that you can talk it out and be validated.
I went to therapy about 3 years ago because my mum was so hurtful to me. So hurtful and so defensive. When I asked her to stop glossing over decades of projection (various labels such as paranoid) she turned it all around, attacked me, became the victim of me, gave me the silent treatement, smeared me, blamed me, ultimately, rejected me (I've been written out) so even though I didn't believe that there was anything fundamentally wrong with me, I went to therapy. It was very validating which was what I needed. Just to be reassured that to be hurt is the normal logical predictable reaction to hurtful behaviour. I wanted the therapist to make me invincible but she validated my reaction and my hurt. She helped me get a bit of distance from the pain, but like your main question poses, how do you ever find complete acceptance of such an injustice.

My mother is in her 70s too so I cant help thinking it's all very short sighted of them (sibling included). I did love them. I would have helped where I could (without losing my job). At the moment my mum is so completely enabled by my Dad that if she's not speaking to me, he's not speaking to me, ykwim. If she's the victim of me, he gets to be the rescuer. It's all so dysfunctional.

Therapy did help a lot. It's not a magic wand, it doesn't make the issue go away but honestly, if you've been going over there three times a week, treat yourself to one session of local therapy and then if you feel up to it, go over.

Stop doing anything for her. Become unavailable and direct requests to your other siblings. Then they can have the time and the money can be split equally.

Make sure she knows the truth of what your DH earns.

Let her pay for someone to wipe her arse.

In my family also the males were view more important than the females and one male sibling inherited the family home and we were always told this from a young age that he would which is unfair considering there are a few of us. Very sexist also but what can you do. Definitely from your update someone has been in her ear and influencing her decision on her will. Are you close to your siblings? I would talk to them straight up and ask them to talk to your mum and just see what they say and if nothing changes just let them get on with all the care for your mum and tell them you are deeply hurt and sorry this is happening to you and could that annoying person on here who keeps goading and trolling please stop it as we heard you the first time and now you have added the same thing ten times which is not helping the person asking.

I’d never have anything to do with her from now on, incredibly nasty and mean. I assume she realises if your siblings are also going to be happy to accept anything so unequal that you’ll never have anything to do with them again either? Nasty piece of work.