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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

989 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/11/2021 20:45

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
NewYearNewMinty · 14/02/2022 17:19

I'm sorry @countrygirl99 that's rubbish from.all angles.

PermanentTemporary · 14/02/2022 17:20

I've just had a nurse describe a heroic search for a piece of information which he eventually got hold of from Mum's GP late in January. May well be accurate description of what he did but I told him that information directly on December 10th.

Knotaknitter · 14/02/2022 17:26

@NewYearNewMinty Yup, mum used to string together long stories that she'd made up to explain things that she'd seen. Her next door neighbour had got back together with her ex and they'd moved (she'd seen a moving lorry on the street, not seen her neighbour for a day or two and two and two make eight), there were five lads living next door (it was an empty house but they run a car repair business and had five cars stored there). Trying to establish the actual facts from the speculation was very difficult.

@Enjoyingaquickdip, @Cheekypeach and @Goldenhedgehogs (and anyone else I missed from a quick scroll up) hello and welcome. I wish I'd had a pen and paper with me on the day mum was discharged from hospital because I was taking multiple phone calls back to back, Hospital social worker, district nurse, the emergency care team or whatever they were called - it was one call after the other after the other. I was out having a walk while I still could and trying to keep all the conversations in my head was next to impossible

@countrygirl99 I'm sorry about the horse, it would be nice if you could have a break from these big decisions for a while.

thesandwich · 14/02/2022 17:37

So sorry @countrygirl99. So hard.🌺
@NewYearNewMinty love the kumquat!! Dm too embroiders fantastic stories from random facts. Hasn’t seen the neighbours in the front garden/ must be ill/ in hospital etc etc………

Startagaintoday · 14/02/2022 17:44

@Cheekypeach those scolding you have never gone through it. It's so hard. Basically your life gets stolen. X

Startagaintoday · 14/02/2022 17:46

@NewYearNewMinty best typo ever

Startagaintoday · 14/02/2022 17:48

@countrygirl99. How old is your horse. I have a 26 year old

countrygirl99 · 14/02/2022 18:27

@Startagaintoday he's 23. We just hack out these days and not the 3 hours rides we used to do. Had the bugger 14 years and nursed him through atypical myopathy and septic bursitis before. It's uveitis and it looks like it's been insidious for some time so eye removal is a real possibility. I'm not sure if I want to put him through that at his age especially if there is a risk to his other eye. If we get to that stage it's going to be an in depth discussion with the vet.

chesterelly1 · 15/02/2022 07:39

Minty if your mum is a kumquat then my DF is a prize plum. We've had a bereavement in the wider family and I've seen a lot of interactions between him and his siblings as we've made a few extra visits. Anything offered as opinion is repeated as fact, then embroidered and repeated again. It's just as well I take everything he says with a pinch of salt. I can only hope anyone he tells stories about me to does the same. Don't get me started on the talking over each other and the race to be first with news. It's like circle time in a very excited pre-school.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/02/2022 08:39

Dad does the fantastic stories thing. Son hasn’t visited for a while (because of Covid)? Clearly it’s because he’s sailing across the Atlantic on a matter of national security. Think it’s a way of making sense of things without admitting to himself his mind is failing

OP posts:
Sunnyday321 · 15/02/2022 08:48

I vote we drop the cockroach and adopt the kumquat in all our new titles . Kumquat cafe has a fab ring to it !

LarkRize · 15/02/2022 08:56

Sympathies Minty - my kumquat has developed the unnerving habit of telling absolute corkers to just about anyone, including telling a nurse that I forbade her to buy certain clothes Hmm and an HCP that my brother and I took an axe to her old wardrobe Grin I have literally no idea where she gets this stuff from but she believes it utterly and totally and will get very defensive when I ask what on Earth she is talking about . The really scary part is that she doesn’t even have dementia (yet)…

MrsRussell · 15/02/2022 09:13

I'm reading and keeping up, but my DM is in hospital currently so off my books.

I will say though that she keeps a diary of every time the next door neighbour rings to tell her that her (NDN) has been, uh, tiddling himself. I bring this piece of information out for HCPs periodically when they say she's perfectly fine. Oh okay, does that sound normal behaviour then?

chesterelly1 · 15/02/2022 09:40

New thread title - Cockroach Cafe - we're adding kumquats to the menu

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 15/02/2022 19:33

My mother is no longer DM but shall henceforth be my Kumquat.

She too does the whole stories thing. She was doing it long before there was any indication that she was suffering from any sort of dementia but perhaps it was actually the first sign.

While she was still at home she would get it into her head that such and such a carer had been sacked because she hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks. If she didn't know something she would make it up.

Fantasea · 16/02/2022 13:41

Hello ladies, I've just caught up on the thread and I'm sorry to hear of everyone's struggles.

My DM, who doesn't have dementia, embellishes stories greatly so they were once loosely based on truth. She also speaks over everyone and needs to be the only voice in the room, it drives me insane. She has a library of monologues in her head for any occasion, all relating back to herself, so whatever anyone says, she will tell the stock story of when such and such happened to her - this can go on for up to an hour of her talking by herself! She's very keen on the news and current affairs programmes and then wants to have the argument she's witnessed that morning or whenever, with me! She will get really angry about inflation or whatever and it used to trouble me but now it just annoys and upsets me, I do so much to help her and she doesn't appreciate a thing. I went over yesterday after a day of running around with hospital appointments and sorting out a plumber to do her online grocery order. In the evening she rang and her opener was 'I need to cancel something', not even a hello! Online groceries are a huge bone of contention, she wants to go to the supermarket but I'm not able to provide that, so any hiccup with a substitution or unavailable item is met with huge huffing (which I ignore).

@thesandwich thinking of you on chemo and hope it's not too awful. I'm in the same boat and it's not easy x

NewYearNewMinty · 16/02/2022 14:45

@Fantasea

That all sounds very familiar. My mum will remember something from years ago about someone she vaguely knows (often one of my longstanding friends) and use it to create a whole scenario about that person's abilities with money, morals, parenting skills, relationships...you name it. And of course she's always right and it's always her business.

She also does the phone call thing...just barks 'Minty?' down the phone and let's of a stream of instructions/moans. I must admit though I mentioned it to her the other week and I haven't noticed it so much since.

Don't even get me started on the online shopping issues 🤦‍♀️

countrygirl99 · 16/02/2022 15:10

Just had my daily phone call with mum to betold how much my DB has done with a list of thing that I have done 😏. To be fair to DB we've shared the tasks, just his didn't get mentioned, and yesterday he got "you never come to see me like Country does, she always takes me out" about an hour after he left her. And he's done a lot more supermarket trips and appointments than I have, it's just I've done the coffee and cake trips.
Anyway, decision made about my horse - he's having the op to remove his eye next week and that's my annual bonus gone.

thesandwich · 16/02/2022 15:43

Sorry about your horse @countrygirl99 everything crossed op is a success.
@Fantasea sounds v familiar. Could you get a carer to take your q to the supermarket? I know dm would kill for a trip to m and s but she’s not mobile enough and I ain’t taking her….. far too peoply!
@country I think we can budge up and let your db in for gin and therapy!

Fantasea · 16/02/2022 18:13

@countrygirl99 thinking of you with your horse and hoping the op is successful xxx

@NewYearNewMinty oh dear 'Minty?' mine doesn't even do that! I'm impressed yours has atoned somewhat after your mentioning it.

@thesandwich 'peoply' sums it up! My mother mentioned M&S the other day which is somewhere, to my knowledge, she has never shopped for food before. She would be horrified at the prospect of a carer, even though in reality she already has one.

freshcarnation · 16/02/2022 18:55

Good luck with the operation @countrygirl99 I know of two horses who've had this done and they adapted remarkably well afterwards. My mum when she could still talk used to moan about the Tuesday carer (me) and how she didn't like her..

Startagaintoday · 16/02/2022 19:23

Good luck @countrygirl99

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 17/02/2022 08:57

@thesandwich

Sorry about your horse *@country*girl99 everything crossed op is a success. *@Fantasea* sounds v familiar. Could you get a carer to take your q to the supermarket? I know dm would kill for a trip to m and s but she’s not mobile enough and I ain’t taking her….. far too peoply! *@country* I think we can budge up and let your db in for gin and therapy!
It must be so frustrating no longer to be able to do things for yourself and everything other people do for you is not quite right. I remember my mother in tears when her gardener accidentally dug up and binned some plants of hers. Easy to shrug off if you know you can sort things out next time, not so easy when you have in front of you nothing but shopping deliveries that aren’t quite right. Hard for the carer to be on the receiving end of what feels like ingratitude.

I used to find it hard to get dad to eat anything resembling a balanced diet and was experimenting with different items. One item kept disappearing,so I thought, good, he’s eating that, and bought another. He exploded at me! Turns out he’d been giving it to the foodbank. “Why didnt you blank blank tell me?” I suppose he didn’t want to seem ungrateful, and waited till the frustration was too great to ignore.

OP posts:
BinaryDot · 17/02/2022 18:07

I hope your horse does well countrygirl

Minty I absolutely had my fill of every phone call being a list of moans and instructions. Sometimes I would say 'Not too bad thanks, but I've had a few problems at work' when she hadn't asked (she never asked). I either see her in person at the care home now, or I have a small number of facetimes I can cope with, mediated by a nice carer because my kumquat can't use a mobile and it's such a relief. I can actually have my phones on again now.

I agree Dint that the details are really important when you can't control them and have limited options. My DM rather cried wolf in that regard though by being unsatisfied with everything her whole life and never failing to compare her own situation unfavourably with everyone else's.

NewYearNewMinty · 17/02/2022 22:33

I agree Dint that the details are really important when you can't control them and have limited options. My DM rather cried wolf in that regard though by being unsatisfied with everything her whole life and never failing to compare her own situation unfavourably with everyone else's.

Bingo!