Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Absolutely notaflyingmonkey. Mum spent years when her only question on looking at a flat was 'will my book case fit into it'. And now we want to get rid of the book case (vast glass fronted Edwardian thing, actually very nice but unmanageable without a vast Edwardian house. Feels so bad.

Sympathies to all the house clearers. My family home had few happy memories and I wanted it all sorted as quickly as possible.

Because my mother has alienated most of the family, it was all left to me to do, which was a bit overwhelming. I employed a house clearance company and only saved a few items.

I could have sold a fair bit on EBay but it just seemed like too much to contemplate at the time.

There are things I let go which I now regret a little, but at the time I just wanted a hugely stressful and distasteful task out of the way.

I think it is always likely to be traumatic and upsetting, whatever the situation. Going through other people's things is so sad and bittersweet somehow, however unsentimental one is. Even when the person isn't dead, but instead condemned, like my mother, to the living death that is dementia.

The joys of clearing out a house. We went through it last year for my lovely FIL who had kept every receipt and letter since the 1970s. Never knew so much furniture could come out of one house. 23 occasional tables (with doilies on top). It made me think really hard about my own house and I've got rid of so much sentimental stuff.

Can't even think about clearing mum's house when she dies, as my disabled sibling still lives there, having refused offers of housing from social services, and will probably be an emergency placement in a care home themselves.

I think we were so lucky when we sold our parents house . As the buyers knew it was a home being sold with no forward chain , they asked about the contents ( no antiques ) we said it would be going to charity and they asked if they could have it for a cash donation to our charity of choice. We bit their hand offoff--
All we had to do was charity shop clothes , nicks & nacks, and towels / bedding went to an animal rescue.

@Fantasea
We care for DPs DGF, he's at home aged 94, very difficult and rigid.
Is physically able to walk but refuses every time we try to encourage him out, he's been like this since lockdown and it's not linked to covid, just stubborn 🤷🏼‍♀️
He's had my DP in tears and can be very cruel.

@OnaBegonia I'm sorry your DP's DGF is so difficult. The stubbornness is one of the many things I find so hard to manage.

I took DM to Tesco for all her shopping including the perfect lettuce which today had a yellow sticker on so much better than the online offerings! She was cross that the travellator to the upstairs was broken but was still in there nearly an hour and a half, how? I was rather annoyed that the 3 items I'd asked her to get me whilst in there - hash browns, porridge oats and bicarbonate of soda 'were out of stock'

It's very frustrating, he will only eat M&S ready meals now, every week he claims to dislike yet another flavour so we don't buy it for a bit then moans he hasn't had it for ages!!! If we say come along and choose it's a flat refusal, he's got good health for his age but won't join any groups or activities.

@OnaBegonia it's so frustrating isn't it, I honestly think my DM just prefers to moan rather than improve her situation. She also is in good health for nearly 90 yet resists any suggestion of clubs or activities. I've found one near here where they have classes every day, stuff she'd like such as knitting, flower arranging, bowls etc plus additional afternoon teas, quiz evenings and parties but she isn't keen.

How is everyone doing?

I've cleared a lot of DM's house, and it goes on the market next week. She is due to move to a more long term nursing home on Thursday, where I hope she will be settled.

Blimey well done notaflyingmonkey. I did finally empty my mum's flat on Saturday and took a vast load to the tip on Sunday (can't think about that too much). Still huge piles in my 2 bed terrace to sort, plus a storage container costing 50 quid a month. Now for the 33 questions the buyer has asked. I hope eventually it will go through but not the end of the world if it doesn't.

Seeing Mum on Sunday I felt incredibly lucky. She's being properly medicated and isn't distressed any more; she's able to sit and watch telly at last, which I think she's been too anxious to do for months and months. We cur her nails and chatted and ate chocolates, and she couldn't do much more than laugh with us but that was much better than before. I just hope she can stay where she is.

Well done @PermanentTemporary. Glad to hear your mum is more settled.

As for the buyer’s questions, “not known” is a perfectly fine response, and much better from your perspective than a guess. It does feel like an endless slog though, doesn’t it?

Spent the afternoon with my mum. The district nurses go in every day to dress her leg ulcers and saw that she has deteriorated overnight. Her nails are blue and extremities cold. She's not responding any more. I got the GP to visit and he's happy that she's comfortable. Dear old girl.

Oh fresh

It's all good. Dementia is horrendous and it's what I've been praying for for a very long time. Unfortunately my disabled sibling lives there and refused to move to a brilliant sheltered flat last year when the council offered it to them. So that's going to be a really big issue now.

Thinking of you @freshcarnation 🌺🌺🌺

Oh Fresh I'm sorry...that sounds really challenging.

Hope everyone else is ticking along OK.

Same old, same old here...

I'm sorry @freshcarnation

Thank you. She died two hours after the doctor visited. Yesterday evening. Just slipped away peacefully.

@freshcarnation I am sorry, so sorry. Even if it is a natural ending it is still hard to endure for those left behind.

@freshcarnation

Be kind to yourself...even when expected it's still a shock.

@freshcarnation I'm so sorry to hear about your mum

Oh fresh lovely. I'm so sorry, and not-sorry in the sense of it was peaceful and gentle and I hope that comforts you.
Mine is lamentably still with us. I've told the lead agencies that I'm not willing to provide her with any care going forwards - she's been in hospital for something like a month now because I won't go in and clean her flat but bodily fluids are not my remit, thank you.
I've also kyboshed the twice a day home visits from carers that Social Services proposed. Mum the fragile elderly lady struggling bravely on is what you see when she's in hospital. Mum the paranoid drunk, naked and covered in blood and shit and ranting about being sexually assaulted by paramedics, is not what most carers in the community sign up for.
I am relentless, and possibly, not very nice. I don't care what she wants. She's lost the privilege of choice.

I’m so sorry for your loss, @freshcarnation.🌺🌺🌺
And @MrsRussell sending you strength for your impossible situation.

So sorry for your loss carnation.

I take my hat off to you Mrs you are totally doing the right thing, hard though it is.

MrsRussell you are doing absolutely the right thing. It has to be a hard NO.

Well social services have been brilliant today, found somewhere for my sibling to go tonight. Something I thought would never be achievable.