Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thank you all, lots there to consider. She's bed bound and incontinent, but able to hold a beaker with a straw. I'll look into this.

Morning all...How's everyone getting on?

I know my issues are pretty insignificant these days but blimey Mum is driving me absolutely up the wall atm.

She literally doesn't stop banging on about the financial help she's given me since I stopped working, and criticises absolutely everything I do and say all the time, it's relentless.

This morning I've gone round early to take her the new GP...she told me what route I should take, which I ignored as I prefer the alternative one...moaned about where I'd parked (about 20 yards up the road as I wasn't aware there was disabled parking outside).

She out now but this is the tip of the bloody iceberg

Hi @NewYearNewMinty rant away….. no issues too small with elderly wrangling and you’ve had so much to deal with….. it’s the things that chip away and grind us down…..
You can always say to your mum that you saved her and you dad an absolute fortune in paid care…….
Txt from mums cleaner saying she was v happy to do stuff for mum because she was soooooo appreciative!!! 🤣😂🤣😂
cockroach all!!

MIL's home is closed for covid, I only know this because I rang to book a visit. The group's webpage says that home is open and the member of staff I spoke to this morning said they had one case. The last time I looked at the national guidance it took two cases to make an outbreak and lead to closure. I am mentally composing a letter to head office about the three week delay in updating the "current closure position" on their website and possibly clarifying the deifinition of "outbreak" which isn't "we've had one case so want to be careful".

@NewYearNewMinty Money and the carrot of an inheritence has been used before as a stick to beat you with, why should now be any different? As soon as you left work she had you over a barrel. Does she need more people in her life that she can criticise? It would take the pressure off you a bit if she could find someone else to be in the wrong now and again. I hope that one of your interviews gives you an exit from this situation.

I've had the house valued this morning, while waiting I went through drawers of unnamed, undated black and white photos, my letters home when I went to uni in the early eighties and a really vile letter from my aunt circa 1975. I can't believe that they reconciled (at least twice) after mum received that. I find sorting through things really difficult, even things that I know mum hadn't touched in forty years and probably didn't know she still had.

I'm also in the position of sorting DM's house, which I am finding v hard going. Having to poke through every last item and make a decision about its likely fate is proving much harder than I anticipated.

Estate agent valuation is happening this week, and I can't remember the last time i had more than four hours sleep a night.

Fingers crossed that we seem to have found a long term nursing home that has availability and ticks boxes for DM.

@Knotaknitter and @notaflyingmonkey I sold my DM’s house last year. Sorting through the stuff is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, and I live 5 hours away so I didn’t have much time. DM is in a care home and I’m her deputy, so a lot of furniture that might go to the family in due course had to go into storage. So anything vaguely “difficult” got put in a box and sent to storage too, and I’ll sort it when the time comes.

You have my sympathy- it’s a rotten job

My mum isn't doing too well. The home rang me 10 days ago to say that she was very down so they had asked the GP to prescribe something for her mood.

Then when we saw her on Saturday she was very upset and agitated, complaining that she was tired but couldn't sleep, saying that everyone was horrible to her, telling her she was rude, shouting at her. We just kept reiterating that no one would say that and that they all love her (because that's what they tell us) and then I had the bright idea to suggest it might have been one of the other residents who speaks very articulately but total nonsense. We reassured her that it was most likely J and she wasn't even talking to mum at the time.

But she was still very agitated and trembling. I had a quiet word with the nurse and they are concerned because she is so unhappy and argues about getting up - she just wants to be left in bed. But the nurse pointed out that it can take several weeks for the meds to kick in so hopefully we will see a positive change soon.

I feel mum has given up and it breaks my heart. I keep dreaming about her and in my dreams she is in my house and I am so stressed about caring for her or finding a way to get her back to the home. I know she is in the right place but I am so sad for her.

I'm glad we are no longer having to isolate after a close contact because, having had none intil mid January this year, Ihave just been notified of number 5! I would have only spent single days out of isolation since 14th January before going back in again.

Thanks @Onewildandpreciouslife for sharing that. I honestly thought that as I am so pragmatic that it would be relatively straightforward, but as soon as I lose my pace, I grind to a halt. DD has tried to help but is even worse, taking things back out of the 'charity' pile, because we might need two gravy boats.

My SIL travelled a couple of hours at the weekend to help, and she really shifted things along, for which I am truly grateful.

I have found this harder than sorting someone's stuff after their death, something I did for DB and for DF.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I chopped the last paragraph from my earlier post, the one with my recurring nightmare that's set off by anything mum-related. Last night it was down to today's valuation appointment, I know that but my rational self has no power at 1am (and all the other small numbers that came after). It's always a variation on the same thing, somehow mum has made a recovery and come home from residential care. I know it won't last, I can see she's not well and I know I'm going to be back where I was with not knowing what to do, unable to get help, forever worrying about her. Last night she was driving, terrifyingly badly and all I could think about was how I could get her back to the home as she was a danger to herself and others. It's not just you with that dream.

Mum was so much happier once she'd started on anti-depressants, I have wanted her to see the GP for years but she'd have none of it. I wish she'd done it decades ago, she would have had her final years free of catastrophizing and being up all night finding inventive solutions to things that weren't really problems at all.

Sorting through things is slow, today I found an old tatty makeup bag at the back of a low shelf which was full of jewellery. I know her thinking - a thief wouldn't look twice at it so it will be safe back there. I'm on the look out for a bunch of £20 pound notes that she put somewhere safe - generally she used three or four hiding places and I could find it pretty quickly but one lot never came to light.

@NewYearNewMinty my issues with my DM feel small compared to most others on here but I have the same problem - nothing is right. The car is a place where she criticises me a lot too, mostly non-verbally though as she holds the door, sometimes with both hands, as I'm driving . The other day, I was due to collect her at 11am. I was reversing off my drive as the clock turned 11.00 and saw someone behind the car - it was her! She had walked from her flat around the corner as I was 5 seconds late! Using the financial stick to beat you with is so unkind and unnecessary, that must be awful for you.

@Knotaknitter and @notaflyingmonkey going through stuff must be so painful.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I'm so sorry your mum is so unhappy. My DF had depressive episodes over the years and the wait for the medication to work made us feel so helpless. They did help after a few weeks but that time felt endless.

@thesandwich funny how they appreciate other people so vocally 😂.

My DM has been ramping up her 'hints' to get to the supermarket recently, online groceries are so 'unsatisfactory'. I have a weekly Sunday order to mine and took her bits over yesterday. She held the lettuce, squeezed it and said 'hmm, middling', no thank you, she likes a huge dense one ideally for her 43p. I suggested to her this morning that I'll take her to Tesco tomorrow, at a time to suit me when it's quiet, so early afternoon - Mum said she'd like to be there at 7am! She can go in and select the perfect lettuce whilst I sit in the car on my phone, my immune system isn't up to going in. I see this as a win-win, I've been organising a weekly order delivered to her up until now, so it saves the inevitable ordering fiasco (she can't work the site) where she'll query all prices and availability and also saves me having to collect the bits I put on to get it up to £40. Plus a stamp on my time card! 😆

hairbrush I'm really sorry you're having this extra worry now with your mum. It's the last thing you need - hope the meds kick in soon.

My mum has always been vehemently against taking ADs after all why help yourself when you can make everyone else's lives miserable but after a particularly bad period a few months ago spoke to GP at length who looked into it and said there is nothing she can take due to incompatibility with her other meds for arguably more important things.

sandwich thanks. I have pointed out that I'm considerably cheaper than the alternative but she refuses to believe me, even though she's currently paying L's agency 3x his original fee now that dad's finances are sorted and in her name as she no longer qualifies for discount.

I tried to have a conversation with her about changing my 'hours' so I have two days off together once a week, which resulted in toys being thrown out of pram and the predictable veiled threats. Then as I left she came out with "I wish we got on better and that I knew how to cheer you up..."

I'm just emotionally drained...the year started with promise but now I feel like in quicksand. Interview tomorrow but the job it's for is only 12 hours per week, so I desperately need to be trying to get some freelance writing work, but it's so hard when my days are constantly interrupted by needing to go round and keep mum company for hours at a time.

@Fantasea

Yep, mines the same. If I say a rough time I'll be round and I'm not there on the dot she's on the phone within a couple of minutes tops.

Constantly argues about how much time I spend there...don't know if she's being difficult or losing awareness of time tbh.

She's also claimed to be seeing things (people, images on the ceiling) and the constant tutting if I use my phone while I'm there (which I do lot as a kind of self-soothing tactic...mindless games etc, still listening to her) and politically incorrect rants are soooo wearing.

@notaflyingmonkey your lack of sleep must make you feel so bad. Most GPs are happy to prescribe a sort course of sleeping tablets or similar for people under a lot of stress so at least you can get some decent rest to have some energy to deal with everything xx

@Knotaknitter what is it with the wads of cash? My DM likes to have cash available at all times and loads of it. The other day I mentioned I was having an electrician round and would pay him cash and she said 'I'll lend you £50 in case it's more than you think' and there was load of notes in a pile of other stuff on the side table!

@NewYearNewMinty I don't feel two days off in a row is too much to ask, I feel so much better having consecutive days away too. DM also tuts if I use my phone at all for anything. One time my sister rang, I put her on speak so Mum could join in and she huffed, sighed and looked at the wall for the entire 20 minutes or so! Mine could also benefit from some ADs in my opinion but she doesn't think any illness, including my cancer, actually exist, even though my DF had serious mental illness. She is also so politically incorrect sometimes I actually wince! I'm hoping you're successful tomorrow, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you Xx

she doesn't think any illness, including my cancer, actually exist

Yup - as far as my mum is concerned there is no illness unless it directly affects her.

She had a moan about me taking a sabbatical last year instead of being signed off on full pay for 6 months 'as they couldn't have done anything about it' (er, yes they could...I was already on a Level 2 absence procedure by the time they offered it to me...I read the policy thoroughly and consulted ACAS and the local council prior to the meeting).

I pointed out to her that they only offered me the sabbatical when, having been sat catatonic in that meeting for 40 minutes, I completely broke down and admitted that I'd been one step away from trying to kill myself a couple of months earlier and referred to the CMHT for suicidal ideation.

Her response, "Oh, so I suppose that's me and dad's fault is it?"

@Knotaknitter thank you so much. Good to know I am normal. It's hard but the overall feeling I have when I wake up is relief so I know I'm doing the right thing.

@Fantasea I know what you mean about the phone. The last week before mum went into hospital my son rang while I was with her. I put him on speaker so she could be included in the conversation and he was able to talk to her without the pressure of getting off the phone from her. But she couldn't engage and just sat there with her head in her hands repeating "I'm so unhappy, I'm so lonely".

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I’m another one with recurring dreams about DM. She’s somehow got better and is back at her home (sometimes DF is there too although he’s been dead 20 years) and I’m panicking about something- I used to panic about how to tell her I’d thrown everything out the freezer - now I panic about the new owners of the house coming back

Isn't it reassuring to see that we're not alone with the "suddenly back at home" dream? It's not something I have shared with anyone, I think the only people that would understand are those who have been in the same place. That would be you lot then. Thank you.

Oh dear, almost in tears to find im not the only one haunted by 'back home' thoughts and worries!

@NewYearNewMinty you poor thing, that sounds dreadful. It's always about them, never you. My DM thinks I'm 'milking' my illness and is irritated by my fatigue. 'What would you do if you had a job?', I've pointed out my oncologist says I'm not well enough to work. Her latest stick to beat me with is 'well at least you can give into it, you wouldn't be able to if you had small children'. Give into it! I've told her that it's irrelevant as I don't have small children and her retort is 'well some people with cancer do'. And? She said it again last week and I snapped back 'you'd have to have them for me or else they would have to go into care'. It's not just illness which doesn't exist but normal life events such as the menopause. I had horrendous hot flushes last summer and asked her if she had suffered with them, 'no, because I had a JOB'! I have remarked that she's lucky to have reached nearly 90 with no serious issues, her explanation for this is that 'she's always kept busy' . Not like lazy old me then. She's insane. And horrible.

I think the dreams are our brains processing trauma. When my marriage broke down, I often had vivid dreams of ex.

For those with oldies not in residential care, what is their opinion of their personal risk of Covid? DM exists in this dichotomous state, she's absolutely terrified of catching it, yet it doesn't exist in places she wants to go, so shops, cafes etc.

Just catching up on your stories - it is so helpful to know we are not alone and hear that others are going through or have been through what we are experiencing.
The dreams sound awful, really distressing.
@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I’m so sorry about your mum. Hope the meds kick in.
And @NewYearNewMinty your mother is beyond words…… good luck tomorrow.
Clearing houses must be so difficult- unearthing all those buried memories. And so sad.
And @Fantasea your mother makes mine look like an amateur….

waves to all the other house clearers

Today I supervised the move of a very small portion of my mother's furniture and stuff to her new sheltered flat; I will be spending the next few days unpacking and arranging it all, plus taking deliveries of fridges and so on, before she moves in on some as yet unspecified date within a week. And then I have the rest of the huge, antique- and junk-filled house to clear before selling it (once I have also finished dealing with probate after DF's death last year).

DM is resigned to the move but generally negative about it (she is anxious and negative about most things, tbh). The only thing she says she is looking forward to is being able to have a drink again: after her last serious fall in September, I persuaded her that her wine consumption was very strongly correlated with her falls (three in a few months, when she was drinking up to 6 bottles of wine a week). She hasn't had a drink since, and - surprise surprise - hasn't had a fall either. But she has somehow convinced herself that because the sheltered flat has emergency help on call 24 hours a day, it is OK if she starts drinking again, as someone will be able to come and pick her up. Aaaargh.

I think the root of the anxiety I'm having about clearing DM's house is that she will suddenly get 'better' and need to go home, or ask me where all her stuff has gone, etc.

I guess I have the dreams to look forward to as and when I start to sleep again...