Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

989 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/11/2021 20:45

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 18/02/2022 09:58

What puzzles me is what you do about the small jobs, eg, I want someone to help me move this wardrobe. Not being able to move a wardrobe doesn’t mean I am no longer capable of living alone, but what sort of tradesman can you call in to move a wardrobe? DS could do it in five minutes, but then I’m slipping into giving him a list of jobs every time he visits

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 18/02/2022 11:01

There are quite a few Handyman services round our way - easy because I'm in a city. I save up jobs for mine and he doesn't mind doing a list of small jobs. Not cheap but he knows ill pay on the nail and work round him. I feel lucky to know him.

Knotaknitter · 18/02/2022 12:37

I have a friend five minutes down the road and together we do whatever two person jobs need doing. Sometimes it's here, sometimes it's there. We're both capable but there are times when you need four hands and two backs for a job when it's not possible or safe to do it alone.

NewYearNewMinty · 18/02/2022 12:42

This is a good idea.

The guy that fitted my bathroom does all sorts and I used him for this last year when I was in the thick of it with Dad.

He came round for about 3 hours, fitted a roller blind, wall mounted DDs guitars, rehung the sitting room door, fixed the bolt on the back gate and a couple of other bits and bobs for about £120.

NewYearNewMinty · 18/02/2022 12:43

Sorry thought I'd quoted @PermanentTemporary

Fantasea · 18/02/2022 14:50

@MereDintofPandiculation could you ask one of your existing workmen, many are pleased to earn a bit of easy cash. For instance, I pay a man with a removal business to do my garden, just mowing and weeding and he's very happy to do it for £40 but said not to mention it on the reviews as he doesn't want to become a gardener! A plumber who I've used for years took a bed apart last year for me. A job such as moving a wardrobe can easily be fitted in on the way back from somewhere. I know what you mean about not giving your DS a list of jobs when he visits.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 19/02/2022 09:24

Fantasea “Existing workmen” is the problem there Grin.

It’s more a question for the future, at the moment I still have a functional DH. But I’ve heard so many people say things like “she only ever wants us to come round when she’s got a list of jobs”, and on the other hand, it’s difficult enough to get someone to come round for less than a full bathroom refit.

Does look as if I need to start getting some bigger jobs done to start building therelationships

OP posts:
TheIoWfairy · 19/02/2022 09:35

My DM has getting all sorts of work done in her house and taking the opportunity to get little jobs such as moving furniture, retuning tv. I realise that she's mainly glad of the company. I could pay for a carer but she wouldn't accept it and this way the house gets decorated, plumbing is sorted etc as well. I hope these kind workers don't mind.

Fantasea · 19/02/2022 11:31

@MereDintofPandiculation oh I see, apologies, it sounds as though you and DH are currently the 'existing workmen'.

NewYearNewMinty · 19/02/2022 13:50

“she only ever wants us to come round when she’s got a list of jobs”

I'm the opposite...my mum always moans that I don't do anything practical for her, but never tells me what she wants done!

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 20/02/2022 09:49

@NewYearNewMinty

“she only ever wants us to come round when she’s got a list of jobs”

I'm the opposite...my mum always moans that I don't do anything practical for her, but never tells me what she wants done!

Gosh, I almost envy you! Dad always had a long list, but everything had to be done to his specification, eg “I need that wardrobe securing to the wall so it doesn’t tip over on me when I haul on the doorknob to help me out of bed”. No other solution to getting him out of bed was accepted
OP posts:
Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 20/02/2022 09:54

[quote Fantasea]@MereDintofPandiculation oh I see, apologies, it sounds as though you and DH are currently the 'existing workmen'.[/quote]
Yes, exactly! And being self reliant is an important part of how we see ourselves.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 20/02/2022 11:02

Through my mums lovely cleaner we found a fantastic chap setting up a gardening business…. He is a very gentle soul who has the ability to provide the brute force and skill necessary in a way that doesn’t make his elderly clients feel incapable…. Several friends in their eighties who now use him weekly have said their dh’s feel comfortable working with him on tasks so they don’t feel useless, and it’s given them a new lease of life. He now has 8 clients in my dms very short road…….
Also does painting/ minor repairs/ decorating etc…….. a treasure.

Knotaknitter · 20/02/2022 13:47

I think it's worse if you've always done things yourself, I had a phone number for a plumber, electrician and gas fitter but not a gardener, decorator, carpet fitter or general handyman because between the two of us we had the last list covered. I haven't put a shelf up in forty years and rather than relearn my lost (and very average) skills I'd get someone in. Happily for me my knitting group are mostly twenty years older than me and they have numbers for every sort of specialist and odd jobbers.

thesandwich · 22/02/2022 19:34

On my way to chemo…. Carer messages keysafe is not working properly…. Lovely dh goes to buy new one and fits it before coming
to pick me up….. dm say carer”” supervises” him??
Dh is awesome. At least two of dbs wouldn’t know how to use a screwdriver……

Words · 23/02/2022 06:59

Hello everyone ( waves at thesandwich)

For my own handyman/ DIY work, I tend to accumulate a list of small jobs and then call on the regular local handyman. Like Sandwich's DM's, mine is a treasure and I dread him retiring. The other day he refitted a tricky bulb in the cooker hub, went with me to collect a piece of furniture from a local shop and help me carry it up two flights of stairs, and fixed a wonky standard lamp.

For my mother's work, I would ask the cleaner for recommendations as she was local and knew everyone.

Dint you are very wise to avoid asking your son to do all these things. I would get really resentful in the final years when my mother was at home. Literally the first thing she did was present me with a list of things to do/ buy/fix etc. Couple that with her lifelong disinterest in me or my life - equalled resentment central. Now she is in the home, so grateful to be free of all that.

countrygirl99 · 23/02/2022 11:31

In the good news horse has had his op and is back home recovering.
In the bad news I've emailed mum's GP this morning as she is really depressed and not coping at all. She has now missed 2 GP appointments.

notaflyingmonkey · 23/02/2022 12:58

Hello all.

Slightly off tangent, but has anyone watched the Kate Garraway 'caring for Derek' programme on ITV? It was an illustration in what trying to take everything on yourself looks like (albeit in a beautiful house and, I would imagine, a lot of money). One of the paid carers points out that Kate was guilty of self neglect, and points out how common it is for people to do that.

NewYearNewMinty · 23/02/2022 13:36

@notaflyingmonkey

I didn't know it was on until I saw another thread about it last night.

Tbh I find Kate Garraway quite irritating and have been a bit baffled by how someone in her situation has so much time to spend courting publicity (which I know makes me sound like a judgemental snarky twat).

However, the reviews I've seen have been good and I will probably suspend my inner cowbag and have a watch later.

thesandwich · 23/02/2022 13:38

Everything crossed for your horse@countrygirl99 sorry about your dm. Hope she can access help.
@notaflyingmonkey couldn’t bear to watch it. But a familiar tale and reminder to us all about self care. How’s your health?

notaflyingmonkey · 23/02/2022 13:54

It's a hard watch, so not required viewing for us. And like Minty, I don't like her on TV etc, but I thought it was a useful piece to show the relentless aspect of caring.

I'm doing ok - albeit defo in the self neglect camp currently. DM had her assessment this week and it looks like she will be given the £187 a week funded nursing care, which whilst it is a pittance when most nursing homes start at £1k a week, I guess it's better than nothing.

I am now nearing the point where I can get her house on the market.

freshcarnation · 25/02/2022 13:55

Hello all. Hope the sun's shining for you all like it is here at the moment (for the next five minutes anyway)

May I ask for those of you with your parents at home how much care they have? My mum has late stage dementia. She's at home with a carer who comes 4 times a day, every day and we pay £800 a week for this so she is with her for over an hour each visit, not a quick in and out. The district nurses are questioning whether she needs more care visits and say she is dehydrated. Is the amount of care we've sorted for her reasonable? Or should she now be put in a home so that she has more care?

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 25/02/2022 19:16

As things go my mum's dementia is mild but she also has severe mobility problems and needs two carers and a hoist to move and she is incontinent. Even with me on hand to provide meals, etc Social Services felt that 4 calls a day would not be sufficient for her needs so she is in a home.

She is not self funding and her care package through Social Services was capped so it was a slightly different situation but if her nutritional needs can't be met, if she needs more prompting to drink, then perhaps it isn't enough.

PermanentTemporary · 25/02/2022 19:32

@freshcarnation I would think a bit more broadly than that. Why is she dehydrated? What dies the carer say? How much does she drink when the carer is there? Does she remember to drink at all when she's not? Or is she refusing to drink, either because she doesn't want to, doesn't remember she hasn't drunk, is worried about incontinence or getting up for the loo?

Might she drink different things now? Most people with dementia come to prefer sweet tastes- would she drink orange squash or Coke more than water? Or would she like sugar in her tea now? Lots of things to try.

thesandwich · 25/02/2022 19:37

Hello, @freshcarnation. Is your dm ok between visits? Not at risk of escaping/ leaving gas in etc?
Have you heard of jelly drops? www.jellydrops.com/ Paramedics and others recommended these- just like sweets, may help. They do have a shelf life but might help.
Dms house was also far too hot.
Sending gin/ choc etc to all.