Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Can I join?

My Df is 94 and very frail physically, though mostly fine mentally.

He should really have 24 hour care, but refuses point blank to go into a care home after a week of respite earlier in the year, that he absolutely hated. He does have 3 or 4 carers throughout the day who he regards as personal friends.

I went to visit at the weekend and he was very distressed about not making it to the loo on time. He was mortified and wouldn't hear of me doing anything to help. Instead he waited for his carer to clean up while he made small talk and I tried to ignore the smell.

He's such a lovely, good humoured man, but I hate to see the indignity of what old age has done to him.

Hello @NettleMania

There will come a time when he realises he needs 24hour care. Yes, old age is rubbish. Welcome, by the way.

@NettleMania hello. So sorry to hear about the struggle with your dad. I can not imagine how my own dad would have coped in that situation. He was an old fashioned gentleman and would have hated to receive personal care or to lose his dignity in any way.

One of the best and the worst things about this page is seeing what might lie ahead - the relief of "that hasn't happened here yet" and the anxiety of "what if that happens with my mum/dad/relative"!

My friend's mum was moved to a different home because of her violence brought on the dementia - it's not her at all, she has always been a quiet, gentle lady but the dementia has changed her completely."

Mum seems to be settling in ok in the home. She's not happy but she is less miserable, or she was when we saw her yesterday. I am coming to the realisation that the depression is a part of her illness and not something that I can fix in any way. And not something that I am responsible for either. She blames me for the fact she is in a home but I can't change that.

My cousin was shocked yesterday when she spent a couple of minutes alone with mum. I went up to her room to find her handbag which she was worrying about (nothing in it but a bottle of perfume - nothing of any value to lose) and my cousin realised that mum is barely able to keep a thought in her mind for a whole sentence. When we visit we work as a bit of a tag team and can keep the conversation flowing but one to one she is hard work.

Realised via photos etc that today is the third anniversary of the crisis that started all this off. In a much better position than 3 years ago, but blimey I’m tired of this.

Cockroach, all x

Nettlemania.

Your Dad sounds similar to mine. He was such a dignified gentleman, and extreme old age robbed him of that, ( he was 98 when he died) - yet his darling face would always light up when he saw me. I miss him very much - more than ever, actually - and it's been eight years.

I discovered another little quirk yesterday about PoA.

Once your oldie has lost capacity, unless you have a specific and unusual provision in your PoA, you cannot invest money in a fund on their behalf. You can invest it in a bank or building society as cash deposits of course, but not in an investment fund, because this is ceding your responsibility over their affairs to a third party.

I didn't at first believe this news from my financial adviser, but checked with the family solicitor and it is indeed true. The only way round it appears to be via a complex application to the Court of Protection, which can take up to two years with no guarantee of a successful outcome.

If your oldie already has money invested in such a fund, it's possible you will need to transfer it to cash deposits when you take over management of their affairs under PoA- but check with a solicitor, and do it sooner rather than later.

PoA, if granny was funding the heir through university even if she'd already paid for three years out of the four you cannot continure paying for fees without application to the court of protection. I can see why, it's hardly of any benefit to her but I wish I'd let her give me all the money up front as she wanted to do.

Just checking in to reserve my spot in the new sunroom. Glad to see a well stocked drinks trolley, thanks for that Dint.

I've written countless posts about how overwhelming dealing with DM's endless needs is, and then deleted them. I almost had a weekend off as DB went to see her on Saturday, then the carer messaged me to say that a curtain rail had broken and could I go and see to it. So that was Sunday morning written off. Again.

It's like painting the Forth Bridge - my To Do list for her never ends.

She keeps telling me off about the mouse /mice. But then she dicks about with the traps that I put down - I really don't know how much more of this I have in me.

PermanentTemporary my sympathies. DM became extremely depressed and somewhat isolated in her retirement flat during the lockdowns. By the start of this year she was getting distressed and picked up the packing bug. Fortunately we were able to get her into a lovely home (albeit with 2 weeks self isolation).

The packing continued apace and she struggled to sleep because she was so anxious.

Her move coincided with a review of medication and a new GP. He put her on some anti-psychotic meds which finally enabled her to get some sleep and she brightened up no end. Her old GP tended to assume that everything was a UTI .

She did not live many months longer, but it was good to see her smiling and joining in with activities and not have her phoning at all hours in floods of tears.

Wishing you all the best in the conservatory

Hi all...welcome to the newbies.

Sorry to read so many of you are struggling atm. It certainly puts my issues in perspective.

Mum has been a bit lately or perhaps I'm just managing it better. Don't feel great in myself but that's not just a mum thing. She's still low level trying and the carer saga continues but hey ho.

Went round yesterday and spent an hour and a half reapplying for her Blue Badge. We get on much better if we're doing something.

It was six months yesterday since Dad passed away. Whenever these landmarks hit I just feel very, very sad. Not necessarily tearful, but as if someone has turned the lights off.

Mum mentioned trying to sort out what to do with his ashes and I told her I'm in no way ready to let them go just yet which she understood. She still has her mum's from 40 years ago. They are in the cupboard together, albeit on separate shelves which is probably the only thing stopping a spectacular haunting as they couldn't stand each other!

Mum's cognitive function and memory definitely isn't what it was, and the filters are, well, y'know but she's still very much herself.

Reading some of these posts I can only pray that when the time comes she goes quickly before she deteriorates too badly. The fear of her going on for years slowly deteriorating is crushing.

I really don't know how some of you cope.

I was just rereading your post about your DM and when she 'died' Knot and just wanted to offer a virtual acknowledgement, it's hard.

PermaTemp feeling for you, but it's your DM who is in that state of mind, you can't change it and nor can HCPs (or you all would be changing it) and you deserve to have some peace in your mind, even if she can't.

Nota if you don't have much more in you, can you plan for what you do next? Everything can't all be driven by her wants surely?

Toofar and Minty milestone memories sort of ambush don't they.

Cockroaches all!

Hello all, just seen this link I thought some with elderlies in hospital might find useful?
www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/coming-out-of-hospital?fbclid=IwAR1r8bCRr-BH-F7g4UoznPHYKjKsUuAq4x_FH-hyotK88maC6M265W5wHxw
Cockroach all!

Thats a really good page @thesandwich.

Not sure about England but here in Wales two and a half years after mum came out of hospital I am still waiting for the carer's assessment and to be consulted on how she would be cared for on her release. We were lied to and told she was self mobilising but they would still send in carers twice a day. Which lasted about a fortnight until mum said they weren't needed and I would carry on thereafter!

If you have an aged relative in hospital should as loud as you can that you are the carer and make it clear to everyone what your boundaries are. Trust me, if you don't it will all fall on you!

Carers Wales promised the earth but there was no support for us as cares at all.

Yes, my MIL has also just come home from her second emergency hospital admission in 3 weeks, with no care plan. "The nurses say I'm well and don't need any help!". All the support we have chased up in the last month, has been politely declined by FIL despite him being halfway through a course of chemo.

DH is so cross he's not speaking to them. It's bizarre isn't it.

Oh God NotMe. It's the complete disrespect for your time and worry that hurts so much.

Sorry, my post was a bit ranty and in no way directed at you @thesandwich.

@NotMeNoNo I am 5 months on from mum's last hospital admission when a wonderful carer suggested mum may have had a stroke. If she hadn't done that and the GP hadn't suggested we should call the ambulance then I dread to think where I would be now. Mum is in a home and I am slowly catching my breath and emerging blinking into the daylight after 17 years as her carer!

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere You have really had a marathon of it. It must be a ton of weight off your shoulders to know they are safe, but in someone else's care.

It is a huge relief but also I miss her. I miss my mum. I'm 60 years old and I spoke to her nearly every day until she went into hospital. Now I see her once a week and she doesn't know my name. She isn't always sure who I am. I have gained so much - time, freedom, simple things like sitting at the dining table with my husband to eat dinner was impossible 6 months ago and I appreciate it all but I miss her!

No worries @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I do know how different things are in reality but knowing what should happen and the language may be useful for some.
And if the elderlies refuse……..

Well the plan for DF to go into residential care tomorrow has been rescheduled to Monday but he's definitely going to go......although just for 4 weeks.

Mixed feelings. I'm so glad that I've got a 4 week break (and having it over Christmas is a big help because I don't need to worry about him being on his own when we're not with him) but I had hoped he'd be willing to stay a bit longer.

Realistically, he was never going to agree to it permanently - not yet at least. But I'm going to insist he has carers coming in daily when he goes home.

Or I'm going to try to insist

MIL is in hospital and is supposed to be having her op today, although the admissions procedure was so hopeless and shambolic I don't have any real confidence that they even know she's there!

DH took her in yesterday afternoon. After a couple of hours left sitting on their own they were eventually shown up to a virtually empty ward (one other patient) half dark and with no bed made up, to be met by a nurse asking 'What do you want me to do?' God knows if MIL even got any supper!

She will be in ICU tomorrow and I think will need to be in for a couple more days, then we have to negotiate her discharge as she will not be able to manage at home for a while, even with our help.

Hello all, mind if I join and go straight to the bad daughters corner? Although in truth I and a daughter-in-law, and a bad one at that.
Have lurked on this board for a long time and have found it so helpful, if only to make me realise I am not alone.
Very elderly mil - lives alone- manages, just- but is ever more forgetful and needy and regards it as my duty to be her on-call maid for all needs.
Nothing specific today, but wanted to say thanks for your unknowing support these last couple of years .

Welcome Quick. There is a real expectation that daughters, or DIL's will shoulder the burden of elder care. It takes a lot to push back against that. Even with my outsourcing as many of the tasks that I possibly can with DM, it is still a constant juggling act.

DM's carer took pity on me this week and got her DH to put the replacement curtain rail up, as I stood there looking at it with DM wittering away in my ear and had to put it back down again before I lost my shit.

Hello Quickchange, I manage to be both a bad daughter and a bad DIL on occasion. I was the fixer of all broken things, the changer of batteries and the shopper and if it had stopped there I might still be doing it. I stepped back from MIL when it was clear that The Family didn't want to acknowledge that she wasn't coping, was very confused and really wasn't safe. The great carpet cleaning incident was the one where I decided that things had gone too far and I wasn't prepared to hold up the house of cards any longer. Fast forward 18 months, she's put a bit of weight on, she's dressed when I see her and her water retention issues have been sorted out. Residential care will probably add years to her life because she wasn't doing a good job of taking care of herself.

I have good news, it makes a change. I think I said a couple of weeks ago that the DWP wanted to see the finance power of attorney and as there was no way I was posting it to them for however knows long I took it into a Jobcentre and they copied it and sent it away. All good, job done. Today I received a big brown envelope from the DWP with a certified copy of the PoA in it which I was not expecting but will come in massively useful.