Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thanks all, it's registered already - we did it at the same time as Dad's - though mum now denies that she agreed to it 🙄. When it's needed, I suppose I'm just going to have to use the LPA and take the flack.

Hi, can I drop in please? I’ve been reading this thread with a cup of tea & it’s really comforted me to see I’m not alone (although I’m very sorry for your struggles as it’s all heartbreaking! Bit of a paradox there).

My grandparents are in their mid 90s, granddad is currently in hospital after a nasty fall & extremely frail. I doubt he will be alive at the end of the week. My granny is a social patient at the hospital as she is unable to manage without him.

I’m feeling very mixed today. Sad that I will be saying goodbye to granddad soon but also upset & angry. For many years now they’ve refused to move to a setting that can cope with their needs, having many falls & ending up in hospital. My dad (their son) buggered off to live abroad a few years back, leaving his sister (my aunty), my siblings & I to support them. It’s been exhausting - a constant merry-go-round of sorting care, my grandparents then cancelling the care, one of them having a fall, ending up in hospital, eventually being discharged, care is sorted for their return & the whole thing starts again.
Now we’re having to think about what to do with granny if/when granddad passes away. She can’t return to their apartment alone. I feel so cross that if they’d agreed to go into a care home a few years ago, granddad wouldn’t have fallen, they wouldn’t be separated and they would be settled in when the other one passed.

It’s exhausting and you all have my full sympathies.

Plenty of room for everyone here!

Sorry your grandfather is nearing the end. I still miss mine and he died 30 years ago!

When he passes it is most likely that Social Services will step in to find a place for your grandmother if she can not live alone. Would she be paying for her own place or would she be funded? My mum is funded but has to pay most of her pension towards it.

It can take a long time for Social Services to find a place though. My mum was in hospital for 3 months waiting for a place locally.

If she is going into a home it is worth starting to do some research now. Someone advised me to look at the care home inspection reports on line. Some of them sounded awful, some sounded amazing but when I started to ask around even some of the best sounding ones were not so good!

It could be worth doing that now anyway for your own peace of mind.

Welcome@Cheekypeach 😉

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

Plenty of room for everyone here!

Sorry your grandfather is nearing the end. I still miss mine and he died 30 years ago!

When he passes it is most likely that Social Services will step in to find a place for your grandmother if she can not live alone. Would she be paying for her own place or would she be funded? My mum is funded but has to pay most of her pension towards it.

It can take a long time for Social Services to find a place though. My mum was in hospital for 3 months waiting for a place locally.

If she is going into a home it is worth starting to do some research now. Someone advised me to look at the care home inspection reports on line. Some of them sounded awful, some sounded amazing but when I started to ask around even some of the best sounding ones were not so good!

It could be worth doing that now anyway for your own peace of mind.

Thanks hairbrush nice to have some understanding. Poster on another thread said I was wrong to move away from my hometown when my grandparents needed me. Apparently I should’ve stayed out until their deaths and never moved away the irony is the town we have moved to is DH’s parents’ hometown, they have no family here at all so part of the reason we moved was to be here for them as they’re getting on a bit! But I digress…

We have done a lot of research into care homes in the area, money is no object really, they had a taster week at the ‘poshest’ care home we could find that they liked the look of, but alas they rejected it they have significant savings, which makes all this even harder to understand.

Hello there, another new person venturing into this chat if there's space? Dad, late 80's, is in hospital with various ailments, taken in more than a week ago, previously very independent but has pretty much stopped eating and drinking and I'm mentally preparing for two different options. One, he gets better, two he doesn't....

Just wondering if any kind person could walk me through what happens if he does recover enough to go back to his home but can't really cope by himself? I live a good hour away so popping in ok but not viable every half day if makes sense!

TIA

Hi @Cheekypeach and @Enjoyingaquickdip... sounds like you were in the club long before I got there, sorry to hear about the situations.

Enjoying, the assessment in hospital by occupational therapy, social services and the rest of the team ought to come up with a description of his needs. Packages of care from social services typically start at once or twice a week and max out at 4 visits a day with nothing overnight except perhaps a pendant alarm to call for help. What are the things that mean he can't cope by himself? In theory people can also have 24 hour care at home but that is pretty unlikely, I don't understand the theory but if they need overnight care or can't cope between carer visits the likely recommendation will be a nursing home placement. There are temporary ones to see if he can improve, or permanent ones, or first one and then the other. A lot depends on whether he can fund the nursing home himself or not. The temporary homes tend to have NHS contracts so you might not get any choice in that one, but if funding the permanent one, there is likely to be a choice.

PermanentTemporary

Thank you so much for all that very helpful information which I shall digest properly tomorrow. I think he can fund it himself so that presumably opens up the caring possibilities. I just don't know where to start but from what you've described the hospital will lead us as to what happens next.

How does anyone sleep or function with all this worry I ask?

Many many thanks xx

I have been M.I.A., sorry for the stories I've missed. Hi CheekyPeach I saw the scolding you got on the other thread - I have no idea what triggers it in some people. IMO you have gone the extra mile already. Adults have no right to the sacrifice of their grandchildren or children's lives to give them the illusion of independence. I personally have compassion, and I will help - but I don't do sacrifice and that triggers some interesting projections in other people.

I won't bore on but since Xmas I've been embroiled in the whole care home Covid rules thing: I am an 'allowed' person for DM and have a testing regime like something out of a sci-fi movie. DM had Covid at Xmas, she wasn't particularly unwell, no more than with a cold, ditto the others who had it. If they keep testing, there are going to keep finding cases and closing. I wonder when the whole cycle will end - I keep saying there are worse things than Covid for very elderly folk.

🪳

@Enjoyingaquickdip

PermanentTemporary

Thank you so much for all that very helpful information which I shall digest properly tomorrow. I think he can fund it himself so that presumably opens up the caring possibilities. I just don't know where to start but from what you've described the hospital will lead us as to what happens next.

How does anyone sleep or function with all this worry I ask?

Many many thanks xx

Just be aware that hospitals are under pressure to vlearbrds so you may need to shout very loudly if you aren't happy with the arrangements. This was happening even when dad was on end of life care snd covid positive. Luckily DB had health POA so could head off at the pass instead of him being sent home to mum with alzheimers.

Enjoying in my experience hospitals are keen to get people out who they feel won't benefit from being there. If your dad is released home, then what should happen is OT assess the home for any physical adjustments that may be needed - they provided DM with a perching stool and special mattress to prevent bed sores for example. Social services will fund carer visits for up to four weeks - they were on to me after a few days to sort it myself though. So DM basically took on the payments from social services. The agency would come in to make sure meds were taken, but the scope of what else they would do varied from carer to carer.

@BinaryDot

• I keep saying there are worse things than Covid for very elderly folk.

I 100% agree with this statement. Loneliness and isolation; being unable to see beloved family members... in my opinion that's much worse than the risk of Covid.

@Enjoyingaquickdip Do make it clear to the hospital that you cannot be the carer, and understate what you can do. Remember anything you say you can do will be a commitment for maybe 20years, with no holidays or time off for sick leave

Don’t be surprised if things are last minute and very quick. Within half an hour of my father being deposited home by the ambulance, an OT and then a social services supervisor turned up to assess, and the next 24 hours were a flurry of deliveries. He was discharged on a Friday and meals on wheels started on the Monday.

[quote NormaLouiseBates]@BinaryDot

• I keep saying there are worse things than Covid for very elderly folk.

I 100% agree with this statement. Loneliness and isolation; being unable to see beloved family members... in my opinion that's much worse than the risk of Covid. [/quote]
Beware of thinking that’s true for all. My father is adamant that he wishes to live as long as possible, including being treated, and talks to the carers mean he is not lonely. I am in no doubt that the moment he is content. His needs for mental stimulation have declined with his declining cognitive abilities. What may be unthinkable to you, and me, may not be intolerable to the person experiencing it

MereDintofPandiculation

Thank you for that advice, yes it's not possible nor desirable for me to be his carer but more than happy to find the financial means for outside carers

Is there not a total lack of carers in the system now after Brexit and the vaccination requirement meaning so many have sadly left?

Thanks for all your kind words and great advice it is good to read the messages from other people who get how draining it all can be. To all of us I send a big hug

countrygirl99

notaflyingmonkey

Sorry missed both of your posts, thank you very much for taking the time to reply. Yes very aware that they'll be needing the bed probably yesterday....

@Enjoyingaquickdip echo others….. make sure hosp knows you are not going to be there to look after him. He may tell them all sorts to get home.
A v useful phrase learnt here” unsafe discharge” the last thing hospitals want is readmittance for their stats……
I know locally the care situation has improved a bit…..

@Enjoyingaquickdip Agree to nothing. If you say you visit for Sunday lunch sometimes the care plan may well say that you cover every Sunday (real life example). Be prepared for him to be returned home in a condition very different from that described by the hospital. My mum was sent home by ambulance and we were told she was walking with a frame. She was in fact bed bound.

Good grief, thank you so much! A lot to take on. Just been told by the hospital that the doctor only updates once a week.....does that sound right?

Do anyone else's parents just make up conplete and detailed stories in their heads about the lives of people they know, based on scant information and their own wild imaginings and assumptions?

I've just had about 2 hours of my kumquat doing exactly this about friends (mostly of mine) that she knows little about and are absolutely none of her business.

My mum...I have no idea where kumquat came from

@NewYearNewMinty kumquat is a good one. My favourite ever turned cabernet sauvignon into cybernet Saudi gnome.
My mum makes stuff up about her own life now, let alone anyone else's. She is currently searching for the jacket and trousers that dad was dressed in for his funeral. When she was told that was why she couldn't find them she got very angry snd insisted that dhe wouldn't have chosen those as she wanted one of the grandsons to have the jacket. Dad was short and sligh, the grandsons are all tall and strapping. So now I just shrug when she says she can't find them.

On top of that my horse is sick. He has a painful eye condition and is burning through my annual bonus trying to save his eye. He is elderly so if it comes to surgery I may have difficult decisions to weigh up.

Ah yes the discharge letter... my mum's ward discharge letter said she was continent. I simply cannot describe how much she is NOT continent but that description has resulted in a 3 month battle by the homes to reach an imagined state of continence which frankly she didn't have BEFORE the stroke, never mind after.