Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

[joystir59]

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

You have been so strong through this, your mil is lucky to have had you help her. Best wishes for tomorrow

Good luck for tomorrow. How lucky your DW and DMIL are to have you.

Hope it all goes well later this morning, for both of you. You’re doing what is best for you both.

@LongTimeMammaBear
Thank you

The support you have given your MIL both before and after the new home was found has been unwavering. I suspect there will be some wavering this morning for her, and probably you will find it tough too so I’m reminding you that your grace and dignity can be drawn on one last time to get through this. I’m more worried about the days to come which will be so different for you. Lean on those friends of yours and enjoy your doggy plans. Post here too if it helps.

Good luck for today. Here's to new beginnings

I have also just read through all of your posts OP and wanted to wish you and MIL well for tomorrow. I’ve been involved in a similar situation with an aunt who has been abandoned by the rest of our large family and know how stressful and exhausting it is. But to cope with this on top of grieving for your DW, and while your MIL has a daughter of her own, is much worse. Best wishes for your future.

Hope everything goes smoothly for you today Joystir59

Thank you all so very much for your kindness and encouragement, you have helped me so much over these weeks.
Yesterday was a painful difficult day for both me and mil, but she did remain positive and even then. The move this morning went incredibly, wonderfully well.
I had amazing help from amazing neighbours:
A had my dog all morning and so he wasn't distressed and noisy.
B helped me move mil's bed, TV and bedding to the Home. He emptied his old work van and lined it with clean sheets so her bed didn't get marked.
S & T, my next door neighbours helped Mil out of the house, and they sang "Lady in Red with her" (she was wearing a cherry red coat and hat) and stayed out in the street to wave her off.
The wheelchair taxi driver was so kind and patient.
The staff at the home where helpful, welcoming and just made her feel comfortable and important when she arrived.
I feel so relieved. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that was a job well done.

What lovely neighbours you have. I’m sure they agree with all of us on here that it was the right thing to do. I hope she’s happy in her new home and that you’re happy to have your place just to yourself and your dog. A glass of wine definitely in order.

Oh bless you! What a wonderful way for it to go! I'm weeping reading about it.

You were dealt a crap hand, and played it well and graciously. You've earned a bit of space to explore life now, to process what has gone before and imagine what might come next.

That sounds like a lovely and positive way for her to move on to her new home.

Are you planning a little, personal celebration tonight? I know I would be!

So pleased the move went smoothly. What lovely neighbours!

Do take care of yourself now though. Take time & don't expect too much of you. you've done an amazing thing.

Oh @joystir59 I am so pleased to hear this - I have been thinking about you and your MIL. What kind neighbours you have.

I said it before, but I'll say it again. Do take care of yourself. Now that the move has happened, you're bound to have a lot of emotions over the coming days as you settle into your new rhythm. Take each day at a time. Xx

Oh your update has just choked me up, what amazing neighbours you have. That must have been so hard, I'm so glad it went smoothly and it sounds like she is going to a good home.

You did the absolute best for your mil, time to heal and relax

I’ve been lurking on the thread but want to send you love and much deserved peace.
You have been nothing but amazing and perhaps this new chapter of your life can be focused on you healing after the loss of your dear wife.
Please take time to look after yourself

I've read the whole thread, and you've been a OP I hope that your MiL settles in. It will be tough - beware of panicky phone calls at 2am and the like.

BUt you've done the right thing.

I hope you can grieve your wife.

You are all making me cry. My phenomenal friend A... who helped my family throughout my wife's illness and death, is coming round with food this evening. I feel so peaceful. I have a lovely photo of my wife that I look at all the time, and I've glanced over at her this afternoon and I know she is at peace with what I've done. I have the best neighbours anyone could wish for.

I have felt torn, evil, heartbroken, hard hearted, sad, anguished, guilt ridden throughout the last six weeks. But underneath everything both mil and I knew this was the right thing for both of us.

🌺🌺🌺

It really really is the right thing, OP.

Be kind to yourself now. You deserve a rest.

Your wife would be proud.

Hi OP. Well done on navigating through this process and getting such a positive outcome. It’s good you’ve been able to calmly ans thoughtfully organise this move before things reached absolute breaking point. And how lovely of your neighbours to support you and make your MIL feel valued on the day of her move.

Hope you are able to move forward knowing that you have done everything and more that your wife could have wanted to make sure your MIL can be supported and cared for.

Enjoy your evening with your friend and be confident that have done the best thing for everyone involved.

Of course it's the right thing.
Give yourself time - to process the last month's events, to remember, to grieve - and to live.
Take care of yourself, eat, sleep and enjoy the walks and freedom. You've gone above and beyond - you couldn't have done more.

You sound wonderful and caring, I hope you can move forward. You have done the right thing for you both!

Just read all your posts OP. Well done for looking after your MIL so well. Time for yourself now.