Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

[joystir59]

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

Wishing you all the best for tomorrow.

I have just read some of this thread and just wanted to say you sound like an incredible caring and thoughtful person. You have gone far above and beyond the call of duty at an incredibly difficult time. I have experienced the minefield of social care and frail relatives and I know how challenging and stressful it can be. I hope your MILs move goes well and good luck to you

You are being a wonderful DIL to her. I'm sure your DW would be proud of how you're coping. MIL will be fine. She will adjust and find her feet.
Take time for yourself now. Don't be at the home's beck and call. Decline their calls if it helps get the message that the daughter is NOK.

And don't rush to visit. This may sound heartless, but it will give MiL time to adjust and yourself time to get used to things at home.

You've been through so much. Let your friends support you, while you concentrate on grieving your loss.

I've just read through the thread and also want to add best wishes for tomorrow. You sound to have done a fantastic job in incredibly difficult circumstances. (a few posters at various points seemed to miss the fact that you'd waited over 6 months to start this process)

At first I wondered if the other daughter was in fact staying out of it precisely because she knew it would all be dumped on her if she offered any help, and that it would be easier for you to argue with SS as necessary that MIL had to be placed as existing arrangements could not continue. I've realised from later posts that the situation is far more complex than that; but hope that perhaps when things settle there may be some small way forward for that relationship to improve. However, sometimes there is far too much history. I remember my mother had to give one of my cousins some home truths sharpish when he phoned to suggest my parents could now step up and take a turn looking after my father's mother, developing dementia in her 90s. Not only his mother, but his siblings as well had cut all contact with us for some 20 years or more by that point, and they lived several hundred miles away. Plus my cousin's assumption that my parents, older than Dad's siblings, would be long retired, was also incorrect.

Wishing you all the best for tomorrow. This could be great for her once she settles. Hopefully she can make friends and enjoy her remaining years. You've absolutely done the right thing.

I know this sounds harsh, but you will have to be really insistent with SS and say you are not prepared to carry on caring. Because at the moment, because she’s actually living with you, there is (according to them) no urgent need.

I heard of someone who was eventually desperate enough to tell SS that if they didn’t do something now, she was going to take the person to A&E and leave them there. Should add that she was utterly exhausted with the demands of dementia, though.

Sorry for your loss . 💐

I would say to the daughter she needs to deal with it . The best thing might be to look an something like a housing authority extra care flat and then carers would be on site . It’s a maze to work through and that should not be your responsibility . Finding somewhere suitable and filling all the forms is not easy .And it all takes time .

Sorry classic mistake of not reading the whole thread .

Looks like you are progressing with things . Hope it all works out .

I also am exhausted with paper work and forms from moving my parents into extra care as they could not cope any longer . They are now closer in a lovely flat on a ground floor , warm and cared for . Not totally grateful though 😀

@joystir59 I am in awe of your commitment and care for your mother in law especially at a time of great personal loss and grief. I do hope tomorrow goes well; it will probably be very hard but you have done your very best and a fantastic job of caring.

I love the idea of celebrating your dog's gotcha day. Have a wonderful day out with your friends and their dogs.

Good luck tomorrow joystir. You'll probably feel so exhausted and flat when she's gone. Have you had time to plan any kind of easy meal for yourself? Be very kind to yourself and I hope you have a great sleep tomorrow night. I'm sorry for your loss.

Well done on getting this far. It’s absolutely the right thing and it sounds like MiL is cooperative and hopefully excited.

Hope the move goes ok. Get yourself some nice wine in for tomorrow night.

So sorry for your loss.

This will sound harsh, I apologise. Ultimately, this challenging lady is not your responsibility.
If I were your SIL I would understand that and would be taking steps to take charge of a delicate situation for my mother.
I would second Age UK as a source of advice and information. Different circumstances but my elderly and very frail though still independent (hanging on by her fingernails to be so, bless her) MIL is over 400 miles from us. With a CEV husband, the past year has been taxing. Age UK have been a great resource, both practically (home visits, just for a chat and a look see) and with advice for us. Their volunteers go above and beyond.
I am certain they will be able to help you (in a non-judgemental way).

Oh dear: teach me for not reading the thread. Comment superseded, feel free to ignore

@DenisetheMenace
The situation has progressed quite a lot since the original OP

Don't listen to people making negative judgements. It is so hard but you have to look after yourself.

I had responsibility, LPA, for elderly relative with health issues and dementia. I was getting phone calls from the police (she was dialling 999 and complaining about the little men living in her loft) she was locking the carers out, she was bothering the neighbours, was banned from local shops, GP's receptionist phoning me, Consultant sending me messages. Eventually I was admitted to the cardiac unit in local hospital. I was on a trolley waiting to go to the ward when I got a call from the GP, I told them I was in A&E and being admitted to the cardiac unit and she was still trying to insist I had to arrange this that and the other. A week later I was discharged and the phone went as I walked in and it was the GP again. I cried and begged her to leave me alone.

She is in a home now, well looked after and as happy as someone in her position can be. I don't feel guilty, if things had carried on I think I would be dead from the stress of it all.

I hope everything goes well for you.

I've just read this. OP - you come across as an incredibly warm and patient woman. I'm so sorry for the loss of your DW. Enjoy your well earned peace and quiet. You never know, you may get on with mil more now. Hope the move goes well

Frazzled2207

@DenisetheMenace
The situation has progressed quite a lot since the original OP“

Yes, thanks. I realised and got my coat 😁

Just read the whole of the thread and wanted to wish you best wishes for tomorrow. This is a hard situation which you've managed with care.

How tomorrow gives both of you new options and a better future.

*hope not how

What a difficult situation you have been in

Hope all goes smoothly with MIL's move.

I hope ot goes smoothly tomorrow

You are so kind, you have handled this so well.

I've been following this thread from the start, Joystir, but never commented until now. You have gone way above and beyond in your care of your MIL and I'm joining in the chorus of good wishes for tomorrow. Enjoy your newly peaceful home and lack of responsibility for anyone other than yourself and your dog

Thank you all for your kindness. You've made me cry. I will update this thread tomorrow after the move.

Wow. I've just read all your posts @joystir59. I cannot imagine what you have been going through after losing your DW. And while I didn't read all posts I did note from yours that some posters have given you a hard time. That is totally uncalled for. You are not responsible for your mil and you have done so much for her already. I imagine she will settle in well in her new surroundings and will appreciate the company and care she will receive.

Take some time over the next few days after she has left, to look after yourself. It will be an emotional time and another stage in your grief for your wife. I believe she has given you the strength to organise all this for her mother. Best of luck tomorrow.

You have done amazingly well. Sending strength for tomorrow🌺🌺🌺