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Elderly parents
Original poster

Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

475 replies

joystir59 · 28/02/2021 18:36

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

OP posts:
DrIrisFenby · 15/04/2021 15:17

Well done @joystir59 Take care of yourself - it will be a massive change for you too. Thanks

Original poster
joystir59 · 15/04/2021 15:39

This is so very intensely painful. Mil getting a bit stressed and mental health showing signs of her stress. And me carrying the weight and I really cannot for much longer. My mental health definitely under strain as I cannot sleep for worrying about her and about this huge step. One more night. Mil is packed up pretty much now. Logistics sorted for getting her, her possessions her TV and her bed all moved.

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 15/04/2021 15:39

The house looks as if a bomb has hit it.

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Original poster
joystir59 · 15/04/2021 15:40

Not so much as a phone call from her daughter.

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Original poster
joystir59 · 15/04/2021 15:42

I cannot keep micromanaging her life in order to make sure she doesn't have a breakdown. Non of this is her fault. I cannot tell you how sorry it makes me to pack away her mementoes, in the wake of her daughter's death. There will not be a right time.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 15/04/2021 15:45

Ah OP, you are so very kind.

This will pass. Nearly there.

Boph · 15/04/2021 15:54

Just read this whole thread.
My condolences on the liss of your wife joystir. You have done a great job of caring for your MIL and finding a place where she will be comfortable and cared for. Just keep going until the last hurdle.

Sunnyday321 · 15/04/2021 15:57

I've only seen your post now and want to say I'm sure if your dw could look down at you so would be behind you all the way in getting her mother into the home . Her living daughter should hang her head in shame at wiping her hands of her mother. I'm in awe that you've felt with it in that way . I think if it were me I'd have packed a bag with essentials and taken to a social services office and put her in front of someone and told them she is their responsibilty now, that or the daughter .
Have a peaceful weekend , straighten your house out, and live your life Flowers WineCake

2bazookas · 15/04/2021 16:40

joystir, what a caring partner and daughter in law you are.
Well done to have found a good way forward for her. I bet once she settles she will absolutely blossom in her new place; lots of company her own age, activities etc. Your wife would be so happy and relieved you've been able to arrange this for her mother.

For you  it must feel like another loss and empty house all over again;  so sorry for you. Be kind to yourself.
Clymene · 15/04/2021 16:46

She will be okay you know. This is the worst bit but once she's settled with her things and her familiar bed and telly, she'll feel better.

I'm sorry your wife's sister is being so shit. It's really unfair on you.

Please look after yourself in the coming days. I'm sure it will be quite emotionally tough once all the necessary doing is over Thanks

viques · 15/04/2021 16:48

I hope the move goes well tomorrow. It sounds as though your MIL is going to be well enough to appreciate her new surroundings, and although you and your late wife looked after her I think she will probably find her new environment more stimulating and interesting because there will be more people and activity going on. I think both of you will ultimately benefit from the move.

It will be strange for you in the house on your own with so many memories, please be kind to yourself, you have been so kind to other people and a little self love won’t come amiss. Give the dog a hug, they are going to notice the difference too.

Original poster
joystir59 · 15/04/2021 17:18

Just hope me and my lovely neighbours can get her out of the house tomorrow. She hasn't been out for two years. I've booked a wheel chair taxi. I have a ramp to help her get down.the few steps to the front door. Then there is a big step up to get out of the gate. Then wheelchair, wheel chair into taxi.

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 15/04/2021 17:19

Because she is self funding no help available via a vis patient transfer services.

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LondonJax · 15/04/2021 17:26

I hope the move goes well tomorrow. The fact that MIL other DD hasn't been in touch gives an indication of how much you would have had to do had MIL stayed in your house. She'll settle I'm sure and it'll be nice for her to have people her own age to spend time with. My aunt recently had a number of falls and told her family she felt it was time for residential care. She's really enjoyed her new home. She has company when she wants to wander into the residents lounge and peace when she wants to sit in her room reading or watching a bit of TV. Three good meals a day, endless cuppas and cake in the afternoon - she's in her element!

waitingforthenextseason · 15/04/2021 17:30

Good luck tomorrow. I hope her move goes well. She will settle. But if she doesn't, it genuinely isn't your fault or problem. Her own daughter will have to stop up or social services will have to deal with it.

KurtWilde · 15/04/2021 17:39

OP I'm late to the thread but have read it in it's entirety often with a frown at some of the horrible comments you've had. But more often with a nod of agreement with the posters who've had your back the whole way through this process. What comes across is how wonderfully caring you are towards your mil in what can only have been an horrendous time emotionally, losing your DW.

Time for you to concentrate on you now, grieving and healing and space and peace. I wish you all the best with the move tomorrow, your mil may not realise it but she is incredibly lucky to have a dil like you Thanks

PurpleWh1teGreen · 15/04/2021 17:50

I hope the move goes well for both of you, and that you have some support afterwards.

I've been there with moving a parent to residential care and currently have MIL living with us who is terminally ill, so I understand some of what you have been through and just wanted to say that you have absolutely done the right thing.

Good luck with your next chapter. Flowers

Cronyism · 15/04/2021 18:00

Good luck tomorrow @joystir59 you’ve done well to sort this out despite your own grief. I’m sure your DW would have approved.

Original poster
joystir59 · 15/04/2021 18:18

@PurpleWh1teGreen
Just want to send you a hug.
I've been motoring through sorting labelling and packing clothes in constant consultation with mil, meeting with a mixed degree of enthusiasm in response. We agreed to pack a selection of her clothes that she enjoys wearing plus a few new bits. This morning she points her stock at a Tesco carrier bag in a corner of her sitting room which she's filled with clothes she rejected yesterday plus bits of paper, old cards and letters and really important photos. All stuffed in. Patience is a very thinly spread virtue!

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 15/04/2021 18:23

During my research I visited a care home that had a room with a sea view. Mil turned her nose up at it.Today she asked if there is a sea view from her room. Grrr!

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Original poster
joystir59 · 15/04/2021 18:25

My darling wife would have found it impossible to do what I'm doing. But she wanted to do it and she would approve of me doing it.

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Original poster
joystir59 · 15/04/2021 18:26

Mil HAS a sea view from her current room- never looks at it!

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picklemewalnuts · 15/04/2021 18:41

How hard!

However- hang in there, you're nearly there now.

Also, the decisions she's making about her belongings don't need to be irrevocable just yet. She can take what seems best, then you could do a top up run in a couple of weeks when she's settled in.

And then you can set about rejigging your home to be the way that works for you.

Bluetrews25 · 15/04/2021 18:43

Hope all goes well tomorrow, Joystir
Thinking of you. You have gone above and beyond. Flowers

PurpleWh1teGreen · 15/04/2021 18:44

You have done so well though. DH & I are leaning heavily on each other. Doing it by yourself is a different league. You deserve that hug.

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