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Elderly parents
Original poster

Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

475 replies

joystir59 · 28/02/2021 18:36

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 17/04/2021 15:25

@Willowkins
Thank you for your kind support through this situation, as I know you too are grieving. How are you doing? Flowers

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 17/04/2021 17:46

@MrsSiriusBlack1 Biscuit yes I have since read the updates. It's a great ending for the op. Please keep your rolling eyes emoji to yourself and stop policing comments. Concentrate on yourself, instead of being rude to others who do not affect you.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 17/04/2021 18:06

@Beautiful3 same to you luv

Willowkins · 18/04/2021 00:37

Bless you for thinking of me joystir59. I had a rather large glass of wine myself in our spouses' memory.

It's been 2 years for me and I have been feeling rather sad recently but I see that as a good thing.

We spend so much time (1) being busy because there is so much to organise, (2) coping and (3) being strong for our family and friends, that the sadness gets squeezed out. Fortunately grief is not a door that closes but rather an open window.
Take your time and take care Flowers

Original poster
joystir59 · 21/04/2021 04:03

Went to visit dmil in her new home, took the dog to see her. She is enjoying all the care and attention, the food and the kindness and said I made the right decision. Seeing her with fresh eyes I see how frail she is and how happy she is to have the extra help she is getting now. We had a great chat together, and a cry, about missing her daughter. And how worried she is about her other daughter. She asked me to look after her. Her other daughter's husband isn't very well although expected to recover, and he's ten years older- dmil worries about her being left alone. I said I will keep contact with her, she is welcome to visit any time and I will help her any way I can. My DW and her sister loved each other. It's very early days but dmil seems to be settling well. So far so good. I'm slowly finding my way in the big empty house, just me and the dog, but it does continue to feel right and good. Thank you everyone here for your support..

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 21/04/2021 04:12

@Willowkins
I agree it's good you are now able to grieve. My friend lost her husband suddenly, four years ago, and had to support her three children through the trauma and their grief. Only in the last year has she been able to express and process her own sadness-it stays inside and waits, it doesn't go away, so it's good that you are letting it out now. I hope you have a better year this year Flowers

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2021 06:04

I have just picked up this thread. You are a formidable woman and have a very large heart joystir. Your mil recognises this. Why else would she still come to you for help after everything you’ve done for her? So never let anyone tell you otherwise. Flowers

SunshineCake · 21/04/2021 06:47

Your update on the neighbours helping made me tearful.

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife and I hope you and your MIL both have future peace and happiness Flowers.

BestIsWest · 21/04/2021 06:52

Just caught up with this - you sound amazing. Flowers?

Clarice99 · 21/04/2021 06:53

@joystir59

I haven't seen this thread before and have just read your posts (I had to filter and just read your updates as I felt anger towards some of the more negative posts).

Anyway, I just want to say that I think you are AMAZING!!!!!

I really hope that you are able to move forward with your life and find peace. You have been absolutely incredible during a time when you could have fallen apart with grief following the loss of your DW. But you didn't, you stayed focused and ensured that you did the best by your MIL.

All credit to you, you're an absolute star.

Wishing you peace, love and happiness for your future Flowers

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/04/2021 07:08

So very pleased and relieved for you to read updates, @joystir59 .

Having finally needed to move both a DM and a FiL into care homes, because of worsening dementia, I know just how very difficult and stressful it can be.
Both care homes were lovely. I do wish people - so often those with no or very little experience - would not insist that they are all grim. Incidentally although DM and FiL were self funded, both homes were the type who could and did take LA funded residents, and were chosen out of many that we saw.

The most expensive are not necessarily the best at all.

SylvieHortensis · 21/04/2021 07:11

Hear hear Clarice99

maddiemookins16mum · 21/04/2021 07:15

You are amazing. A maze ing. 💐💐

maddiemookins16mum · 21/04/2021 07:16

[quote Clarice99]@joystir59

I haven't seen this thread before and have just read your posts (I had to filter and just read your updates as I felt anger towards some of the more negative posts).

Anyway, I just want to say that I think you are AMAZING!!!!!

I really hope that you are able to move forward with your life and find peace. You have been absolutely incredible during a time when you could have fallen apart with grief following the loss of your DW. But you didn't, you stayed focused and ensured that you did the best by your MIL.

All credit to you, you're an absolute star.

Wishing you peace, love and happiness for your future Flowers[/quote]
This is a lovely post.

bearlyactive · 21/04/2021 07:32

You sound like a wonderful DW and a wonderful DSIL OP. Wishing you all the best!

MaxiPaddy · 21/04/2021 07:48

Just wanted to reaffirm what you already know - that you did the right thing, not just for yourself, but for your mil.

I hope you find your happiness again soon. Daffodil

Lostinthemail · 21/04/2021 07:51

@joystir59

Went to visit dmil in her new home, took the dog to see her. She is enjoying all the care and attention, the food and the kindness and said I made the right decision. Seeing her with fresh eyes I see how frail she is and how happy she is to have the extra help she is getting now. We had a great chat together, and a cry, about missing her daughter. And how worried she is about her other daughter. She asked me to look after her. Her other daughter's husband isn't very well although expected to recover, and he's ten years older- dmil worries about her being left alone. I said I will keep contact with her, she is welcome to visit any time and I will help her any way I can. My DW and her sister loved each other. It's very early days but dmil seems to be settling well. So far so good. I'm slowly finding my way in the big empty house, just me and the dog, but it does continue to feel right and good. Thank you everyone here for your support..
You’re an amazing person, I applaud you for everything you’ve done and still do. But I do feel I need to add something. Please, please take care of yourself and your own feelings. After taking care of your wife and MIL, this is the time to take care of yourself and take time to grieve. I don’t feel it’s fair that your MIL asks you to look after her daughter. It’s not ok to place that emotional burden on you. I really feel I needed to add that and wish you all the best.
GoWalkabout · 21/04/2021 07:56

You have done a great thing creating a better situation for her. It's OK to keep contact when you wish but it's OK to step away too.

picklemewalnuts · 21/04/2021 07:59

Lovely update, Joystir. I'm so pleased, you can't imagine- so pleased that you negotiated this without damaging each other. Respect!

Whattheduck · 21/04/2021 08:22

I am so pleased it has worked out for you and your mil and I hope she is very comfortable in her new home
You had a difficult decision to make and you can now be at peace knowing it was the right one
I wish you both all the best

HaveringWavering · 21/04/2021 08:27

I just read all your posts OP with tears in my eyes. My Dad died at 53 and my Mum ended up with responsibility for his mother (my Gran) for nearly 20 years. My Gran had been quite unpleasant to my Mum at various points while Dad (an only child) was alive and they didn’t like each other much. I always admired my Mum for taking on that responsibility because I knew what a huge burden it was and how awful to no longer have Dad but have to be responsible for his mother. Gran did not live with Mum and Mum absolutely drew the line at that happening. Once she went into a home life got so much easier. So sorry for your loss Flowers

Lalliella · 21/04/2021 08:54

So sorry to hear about your DW Flowers You are an amazing person to have cared for your DMIL for so long. You are absolutely doing the right thing now, it’s definitely better for your DMIL to go into care as that will best meet her needs and it will be best for both of you. I have nothing to add really except I just wanted to say that. Echo what others are saying about getting social services involved.

NettleTea · 21/04/2021 08:59

this is such a lovely update

Lalliella · 21/04/2021 09:04

Oops sorry I clearly didn’t read the full thread! Sounds like there was a good outcome, so pleased to hear that.

WhatMattersMost · 21/04/2021 09:08

@joystir59 - I will admit to shedding a tear or two reading this. I think you have handled things impeccably and with so much care and respect - not just for your MIL, and your late wife (I'm so sorry), but for yourself too.

Enjoy your new lease on life Flowers