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Elderly parents
Original poster

Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

475 replies

joystir59 · 28/02/2021 18:36

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 16/04/2021 15:17

Think you ought to phone social services for advice. Placing her into a nursing home near her daughter would be a good idea.

CrazyCatLazy · 16/04/2021 15:29

Wow, I just found this thread today and read the whole update from start to end.
You are incredible and have done everything that could possibly be expected, plus more!
You absolutely deserve to have your house to yourself without the demands of being a carer by default.
Your kindness has ensured that your DMIL is safe and looked after.
Enjoy your new life and freedom xx

Original poster
joystir59 · 16/04/2021 15:39

My wife was one of the most loving kind people I've ever known. It was an incredible privilege to be married to her. We only had nine years together. Her love, passion and energy run through me and inform what I do. We were a good team. And our neighbours felt the gold in her- she was so easy to get to know, and always happy to help. I love her.

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 16/04/2021 15:42

Mumsnet is brilliant at its best, a fantastic source of shared experience and support.

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 16/04/2021 15:43

Mil is my love's mum, how could I not try my best for her?

OP posts:
SylvieHortensis · 16/04/2021 15:43

joystir59 Flowers and I'll bet you will honour her all your days by living with purpose, love and hope.

Original poster
joystir59 · 16/04/2021 15:44

Going to have a rest now. Thank you so much. I hope you all have a lovely weekend

OP posts:
altforvarmt · 16/04/2021 15:47

I've just read all your posts, OP (and skipped by posts criticising you).

You've absolutely done the best thing to protect your MIL in the long term, and the best thing to protect your peace of mind and your future.

I feel that reaching the end of this period of stress and planning might hit you quite hard. If it brings up a lot of feelings about the loss of your DW, that's normal. Lean on everyone in your life; they will want to be there for you. And take care of yourself. x

KetchupOnTheFloor · 16/04/2021 16:05

Just chipping in to say I am glad it all went well and what lovely neighbours you have. I would love a sea view! It was definitely the right decision to make. My paternal Grandma never lived with us but we had to go through the whole process of moving her into a residential home with her vacillating between enthusiasm and denial of incapability, refusal of outside help and it all falling on my Mum and us grandchildren as my Dad worked abroad for weeks at a time.

Do look after yourself, it may well hit you all at once because you now have the privacy and head space to grieve your lovely wife Flowers

I cannot say that I have any inkling of what it is like to lose a wife however we moved house with young children the same week we buried my Mum and it took a fair few weeks for the true grief to hit as my head was so busy with the move and new house etc.

I hope you have a lovely weekend.

saraclara · 16/04/2021 16:13

I am so, so glad that all went well.

You now have space to breathe, space to grieve, space to be yourself. I couldn't be more happy for you.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 16/04/2021 16:13

I'm.so glad it went well.
It will be good for both of you to have a fresh start and not be.locked away in your grief with this terrible.situation

BlueDahlia69 · 16/04/2021 16:21

@joystir59

Ive just read your entire Thread, Im so sorry for the loss of your precious Wife.

You are a wonderful person OP, and you cannot be faulted in any way for the path you have taken. Your MIL will be fine, and she will make friends and find companionship with people with common interests.

OP I hope you enjoy each and every day of living your life. 🌸

Boph · 16/04/2021 16:29

Well done and - relax.
She felt comfortable and important that's as good as it gets.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 16/04/2021 16:58

Enjoy your evening.

KurtWilde · 16/04/2021 17:00

@joystir59 I'm so happy to read your updates, what a lovely send of for your mil into what will undoubtedly be a positive new life for her.

And of course ThanksThanksThanks for you, for being absolutely incredible. I wish you many years of happiness ahead Smile

Clymene · 16/04/2021 17:06

Oh bless you @joystir59 - you sound absolutely lovely. So glad it all went well. I love that your MIL had dressed up for the occasion.

ThanksWineCake

Wishing you a very restful weekend

viques · 16/04/2021 17:26
Wine

I think you deserve one of these Joystir.

Well done. You keep saying what a kind person your wife was, you forget to add, or maybe you don’t realise , that not only was she kind but she was a dab hand at finding and choosing someone equally kind as her partner.

JSL52 · 16/04/2021 17:57

Well done , relax now. Good luck for the future 💐

Willowkins · 16/04/2021 18:49

joystir59 I am so glad you got through this milestone and that you have company this evening. I definitely think a glass of something is in order. Love and peace for when you wake up tomorrow morning.

MrsPerfect12 · 16/04/2021 21:29

I'm so pleased it went well for you both. Flowers

Apileofballyhoo · 16/04/2021 22:13

That sounds really, really wonderful joystir. I hope you had a good rest and enjoyed your meal with your friend - and you sleep deeply and peacefully tonight. Flowers

HowToMurderYourLife · 17/04/2021 06:00

You sound like a wonderful wife and daughter in law. It was no way to live for either of you.

You may feel a lot of different emotions over the next few days. Be kind to yourself.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 17/04/2021 12:06

@Beautiful3 did u even read the thread? 🙄🙄

BIWI · 17/04/2021 12:11

What a lovely outcome @joystir59 Flowers

SunnySideDownBriefly · 17/04/2021 13:49

What a journey for you. You sound such a kind person and you've absolutely done the right thing for her. She will be 'independent' now which is maybe what she has needed for a long time.

It's time to look after you now. I'm so sorry for the pain and grief you are going through. Look after yourself and feel proud that you have done the very best thing for you DW's mum.