The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I'm not daft, the stream of calls stops after about 5pm when she puts the tv on. The phone is an antidote to boredom. The thing is, she's bored because she chooses to live on her own. If she lived somewhere with hot and cold running carers and an entertainment schedule then calling me would be less attractive.

Oh my, fly and knot you are having an awful time. I absolutely would not move in with my mother, she used to ask to move in with me but I tell her that we would kill each other and that usually stops her.

I absolutely would block my mother on the phone if it was as often as yours is calling fly and then unblock when you are ready to talk to her. I thought I had it bad with 20+ calls per day but yours sounds worse. Mine has stopped doing it so much now thank god, it is still 2-3 times a day and I answer once only and keep the ringer off all the time.

I have now sold her property but I am not sure if there is anything I need to do to notify the Brothers Grimm, they will have had the 50% paid to the probate solicitors but they are supposed to invest this and pay the interest to my mother. I dont want to contact them but I have a duty as POA to ensure that she gets what she should from her late husband's estate. I called the probate lawyers and they said they could not speak to me as I am not an exectutor and put the phone down. The Grimms wanted 100% of the proceeds so I am surprised not to hear from them at all (but greatly relieved). Today I had a parcel delivered that was marked "legal documents" my heart sank, I was convinced it was going to be something from them but it was just some stamps from work so that I can post things on my dialy walks- phew.

Monday is Aunt calling night so I am girding myself for the call later, I will call her to avoid the "are you cooking/eating" conversation and keep it breezy.

Could you use a phone befriending service for your mum Knota?

FFS.

Been round there for 4/5 hours today, spent a fair bit of time putting together a spreadsheet of details of all their accounts, service providers etc.

About an hour before I leave Dad finally wakes up and announces he feels like he needs the loo. He hasn't been for over a week.

Just had a call from main carer. They have tried to encourage him but he still hasn't managed as is blocked up. If nothing has happened by tomorrow morning he will need a suppository about an hour before they come to get him going. Mum, of course, 'can't' do that.

So am either going to be dealing with poonami at some point this evening, or going round tomorrow at 8/8.30 to administer the suppository.

Good of the carer to forewarn me...he's also left me 4 plastic gloves. This is about as good as it gets I suppose .

Minty Best wishes for your least worst option, I'm assuming that's the morning visit rather than the surprise evening visit.

Well yes...or ideally he goes of his own accord just after his morning cuppa and I can swerve both.

Mum has a dentist appointment tomorrow and we have a new phone provider doing installation.

Weds The Carer is round.

Thursday she has been summoned to the GP for a general health check (she 'couldn't make it' on Wednesday...I wonder why?)

Friday morning assessment for companion carer for her.

So this week is going to be such fun!

I saw on Facebook that my GPs surgery has asked various categories of people to contact them if they haven't heard from the surgery about vaccination. One of the categories was "registered carers" so I've sent in my details to register. I tried to get my flu jab as a carer in two successive years, I even quoted the NHS guidance to them but the receptionist wasn't having any of it. It was easier to pay £10 at Tesco than complain so that was what I did. I suspect that this will be another place where the award of attendance allowance magically opens doors that were previously closed.

Hope no-one is suffering with the snow, it's raining here so hopefully it will be gone by lunchtime.

mx so sorry you are having to wrangle all this legal stuff still. Hope it can be sorted soon with no Grimm dialogue.
Hope you can get on the vaccine list knot ... some perks in this unasked for “job” !!!!!
Beautiful day here yesterday- pottering in the garden. Today is meh and cold.
minty hope today is as least bad as poss.

Fingers crossed for you knot I need to chase up my surgery too.

Well, no intervention necessary this morning, which was a bonus, but carers feel there may be further developments later .

In the meantime have supervised the installation of new phone/broadband service, taken them both up tea/coffee in bed, given dad his breakfast and meds, listened to mum insisting that she had a temperature and 'must have the virus' despite being vaccinated a couple of weeks ago, dashed home for thermometer to check...her temp was 32.7!

And then we had a conversation about how it was definitely Monday...God help me!

I had a phone call from the surgery about two hours after I emailed them, just as I was delivering the other dependant's shopping as it happened. I'm now booked in for Saturday which was a surprise as I expected to go on a list and be called sometime in the future.

I will be so relieved because there isn't a plan B for if I can't turn out, even if I am talking to her on the phone and she has correctly identified which tablets to take they are still in the box on the following day.

Alexa - what day is it? Her she is the final arbiter on that sort of thing, I think because she is so confident.

Well today I have been juggling hats...podiatry, manicurist, chef, administration of suppositories and senior IT technician.

I have also managed to get in touch with GP surgery who confirmed I'm already Band 6 for vaccination, but they will send out the paperwork they need anyway for me to be logged as a carer and are hoping to bump me up the list given Dad's situation.

.podiatry, Cutting toenails is the one job I can't bring myself to do. Can manage a lot of other things if I have to - toileting, dressing bedsores - but toenails, no.

Same dint. I have learnt how to deal with wounds, etc, but cutting toenails is beyond me. I usually take DM to a podiatrist, and have to force myself to stay in the room while he does the business.

It's the sound of anyone cutting nails that I hate.

I actually really enjoy it!

I have decent clippers, emery boards and an electric file if needs be. I'm fairly careful about what I tackle, but have managed a cuticle infection and removal of a dead nail successfully before.

Maybe I missed my calling! Podiatry and dermatology both interest me but it's a bit late in the day to retrain to that extent now.

Hello all.
minty couldn't do any of that-much too risky and not my skills.
Be careful-your DM will expect what you are doing for DF. Setting precedents.
Took DM for a short drive to prevent cabin fever... she was still looking for coffee shops.....

...she was still looking for coffee shops...

I had to do a mercy dash at 9.30pm last night as mine wasn't answering the phone. Got round to discover that she'd buggered about with the handsets/new sockets with a result that she had the phone plugged into the now defunct Virgin box .

After spending the beat part of hour trying to restore comms, checking she could hear the phone and the the emergency lifeline was able to dial out and explained why she needs to leave it TF alone she turned round and informed me that she'd popped out to the chemist, post office and Tesco, and that she'd had a lovely time with 'L'.

I had to leave very rapidly before I totally lost my shit .

Podiatry and dermatology both interest me but it's a bit late in the day to retrain to that extent now. Dad has his toenails done by a lady who has just started out as a nail technician (not a podiatrist) - I don't know how old she is but I think her children have all left home.

How's everyone doing?

I think I'm on the verge of hitting a brick wall (again 🙄).

Dad's not been good the last few days, either non responsive or agitated/away with the pixies.

I was here from 11am Thurs until lunchtime Friday (as well as a few hours Monday, 10+ hours Tuesday and an hour late Weds evening as mum had buggered about with her phone and I couldn't get through).

Had yesterday off and back today to find mum giving dad his lunch (leaning over him like a harbinger of doom while he eats a sandwich).

Within about 60 seconds of my getting through the door, she's in floods of tears, telling me how depressed she is and that she hasn't eaten all day.

I understand that the situation is shit, but she is incapable of prioritising (or rather chooses not to), refuses any suggestion of help with her mental health, and the eating thing is ridiculous and starting to make me really bloody cross. She only has cereal and fruit for breakfast and rice cakes or soup for lunch. The other day she didn't give dad his breakfast until gone 10.

I just can't cope with her anymore. I am simply not strong enough to shoulder all of her emotions as well as dealing with my own on top of all the practical commitments.

I don't know what I can do though. Suggested that she goes in somewhere for respite while I look after dad - no. Counselling - no. Antidepressants - no. Additional 'companions' coming in or over the phone - no. There's no point in increasing carer visits because dad's needs aren't predictable.

How the fuck can I get some useful support?!

minty sorry to hear this. As many have said, you need to step back. What would happen if you went under?
Speak to your dads gp and maybe your dms friend. More care for your dad would mean more freedom for your dm.
This is not sustainable.
Hope everyone is doing ok

Just had a massive row with mum...quelle surprise. Dad heard us and got upset so I now I feel like a piece of shit.

Mum is saying that all her friends are wondering why I've not just moved in with them, which is probably BS.

Then I had 'go away and don't bother with us any more. I'll spend all my money on full time carers and leave the rest to Cats Protection'.I very nearly left at that point.

There are just no options, especially with Covid.

I either sacrifice myself metaphorically or perhaps if try to actually do it literally we might get some help. Have spent the last ten minutes googling 'what would it take to get sectioned' but apparently if I'm thinking that clearly about it, I wouldn't qualify for it to actually happen.

I keep thinking of 'Acorns' post the other week. I hope she's doing better, because I imagine she was in a similar headspace to my current one.

Going to phone GP in the morning and tell them I'm going to have a breakdown if they don't intervene.

Surely it's not right to feel that you'd actually welcome the inevitable either for both parents or yourself as an alternative to carrying on with the status quo?

And I'm not going to actually do anything, of course, because DD.

If I didnt have her to consider i wouldn't be here typing this now anyway.

Minty Have you had social services out for a needs assessment? I don't know what the answer is because your mum doesn't want to be helped. Anything that would make her life easier is a nope. Is it that your dad is getting all the attention and the focus should be on her?

I think if the daughter is doing it, the care doesn't count. It's ok for me to be dealing with tablets, money, food (insert the usual never ending list here) but not for her to pay someone else to do that. "It's the beginning of the end then" she said darkly. It's not that I need a day off or time away from the never ending phone calls because it's lovely being together like this isn't it? We're just hanging out together. I think if it's paid for then it becomes real whereas she's living in this fantasy where she's managing perfectly well at home.

If I got a day off a week I think I'd be ok, this would be so different if day services were open.

...this would be so different if day services were open.

Exactly. I think she'd enjoy being able to get out and meet new people (how much they'd enjoy it is debatable )

Is it that your dad is getting all the attention and the focus should be on her?

I think that's part of it. She keeps saying that 'we all know you only come round for your dad, not because you want to be there for me so when he goes just don't bother with me anymore'.

I want to support them both. I want to help mum into a place where she can live a happy and relatively independent life before I have to go back to work. What I don't want to do is sacrifice my entire life, mental and physical health in the process, and it feels like nothing less will make her happy.

She actually suggested today that there would be nothing wrong with me moving in with them until dad passes and leaving my 16yo, Year 11 daughter basically living on her own in our house around the corner .

Oh and social service called just before Christmas at the behest of either the care agency or GP and said that basically nothing about our situation came under their remit.

Ice confirmed independently with the hospice that although we've been referred twice we have been rejected on both occasions as dad is 'not in need of specialist palliative care'.

It literally feels like no one gives a shit.

However I am now home, under a cat and a blanket with a fuckoff sized glass of wine.

Just sending Minty - sounds like an unbearable situation. Has your DM always been a bit like this or is this a new side to her? Apologies - no need to answer if you've been through all this before!