The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I know I should be more sympathetic but I'm not. I spent pretty much all day with her yesterday but it's never enough

@flygirl767

I hear ya sista!

My mum seems to be telling everyone involved with her and dad different things.

She agreed last week that it wouldn't be a bad idea to have someone round with 'companion' for her to get to know so we had additional back up, I made a point of going round when he was there today and suggesting it and she point blank refused to engage with the idea.

She was clearly none to impressed that I'd come round while he was there either...

She's been talking about how it was be easier all round if she and dad both took overdoses, and not eating (she's diabetic - type 2 but on insulin) yet refuses to engage with the notion of ADs and has somehow apparently managed to get her GP to agree with her (or so she says).

It's only a matter of time before I'm going to have to seriously consider options for her...quite how that will pan out if dad keeps hanging in there, God knows.

Had a lovely chat with him today though and he managed to reply when I told him I loved him so almost feeling like it's all worth it this evening ❤.

fly can you turn your phone off while you go for your walk? I turn mine off or turn off the ringer if I've answered two calls in a day. Is there anything that could happen that cannot wait an hour while you enjoy your walk? (Even your mum?) I really feel for you, you know I know how it is, all hours and constant- it grinds you down. No-one will know or not understand if you "forget" your phone while you have your walk.

My mum was on a care package before I got her into residential, it didn't stop her buying pork products by the pig load every day and hoarding food because she'd buy the same thing every day. When we emptied the flat there were 20plus jars of pasta sauce, nearly the same of jars of coffee and bacon and pork chops in the fridge and freezer.

I hope you get some respite of some sort soon.

@MintyCedric Oh boy, when you said,
She's been talking about how it was be easier all round if she and dad both took overdoses,

I just pictured you with a thought bubble over your head reading, "Gee thanks Mum!"

Er - I'm guessing assertive yet tactful communication was never her strong point?

Offering you virtual .

And, as someone who found fanfic (free escapist fiction!) a lifeline when the shit was raining down - "thank you for your service"

I just pictured you with a thought bubble over your head reading, "Gee thanks Mum!"

Honestly that's a much kinder interpretation than what actually went through my head.

And thank you! What fanfic do you like to read?

LIfe admin: having to find someone to come out and repair DM's gas fire during lockdown. The radiators and hot water all worked fine, so the house was warm, but she thought she was cold because her largely decorative fire hasn't worked for a couple of days, so she's been boiling pans of water etc.

I was on a Zoom call with work, which I had to put on my phone, get in the car, drive to DM's, meet the engineer, show him the problem, make him a coffee, agree the work, and then drive back before I came off mute. #multitasking

Well the local residential home has respite spaces but mum has lost her hearing aids so there's not much point in going somewhere that she could socialise because she can't hear anything. The last time she needed new hearing aids it took four months on the NHS and that was pre covid. I just can't face it again so she's agreed that she will pay for new ones and if the others turn up then she'll have spares. When she finds out they cost more than £3.10 there will be trouble.

nota I bet the break has vanished into distant memory......... well done for getting it sorted.
knot good luck with sorting hearing aids and respite. I can imagine how dm would react. £170 for new glasses was a lot for her to swallow( despite visit from lovely specsavers optician.)
🌺🌺🍷🍷to all.

It's the relentless juggling, isn't it. All it takes is for one thing to drop and it's so hard to keep the forward momentum going.

I was reminded of a quote I heard... a bit like ham and eggs.....
The chicken is involved, the pig committed...... we are definitely the pigs!! When everything else falls down......

knot my mum is having hearing aid issues too...they are supposed to be sending out replaceable parts but...she went to the GP the other day because she felt like she had something up her nose and the GP has referred to ENT as there definitely is and could be connected to her increasingly poor hearing.

I have suggested she gets some privately as she does nothing but moan about the (numerous) paid she has had on the NHS, but she point blank refuses on the grounds that one person she knew 20 years ago paid a small fortune for hearing aids and didn't get on with them .

nota what a monumental pain in the arse.

I feel guilty now...I've been in pyjamas all day (and in bed for most of it, albeit writing and doing paperwork)...only 3 phone calls so far!

Don't know is anyone here is already signed up but this site is handy...might as well make the most of the tiny silver lining of being a carer - you don't need to provide any concrete proof of status either.

www.discountsforcarers.com/

For anyone lucky enough to have the time, energy and inclination you can get a 25% discount for LoveHoney grin

Thanks minty worth a look!

Thanks Minty.

I managed to register at my GP as a carer as well, which resulted in being sent two leaflets about stress awareness. Lol.

Meh.

Would I BU to just step back, stop trying to advise/guide mum and let her get the fuck on with it?

She is driving me insane this morning.

She's convinced that me and daily carer have conspired to stop L coming. He is still coming, but has apparently been spoken to about over familiarity with clients so no messaging since his visit on Monday.

She's constantly going on about money (of which she has plenty but I'd determined to hang onto it and now have to pay for anything), and comparing her life to that of friends and acquaintances who to her mind have better homes, more family, fewer worries etc. Looking at property miles away and unsupported, presumably on the assumption that her friend who lives in the area will take over from me.

She's refusing to eat properly despite being diabetic and has lost nearly a stone, and she's just started about bloody hairdresser again.

I am so, so bored and frustrated with it all.

If someone could send me off to my favourite little holiday cottage in Yorkshire on my own for a week with a well stocked fridge and wine rack, my laptop and a pile of books and everything here taken care of, I would literally fall on my knees and sob with gratitude.

minty as so many others have said on here, step back.
Put yourself, your daughter, and your dad first. Your dm sounds quite able to manage herself. Her choices.
Step away.

Thanks @thesandwich

Home now until Sunday fingers crossed...its just exhausting and I'm trying to lose weight so I don't think my blood sugar was quite right this morning.

DD had stayed over too and she actually said to me on the way home 'What the hell's wrong you? You went from fine to batshit in about 3 seconds and nan really wasn't that bad...'

Minty She's a competant adult and can make her own decisions and live with the consequences. You are not her mum. It's not your job to smooth the path beneath her feet and fill her life with sunshine and happiness.

Try not to engage with the stream of complaints, just let it wash over you with the odd phrase that doesn't commit you to anything. I find "oh really?" works as well as anything else. Want to move to the Amazon rainforest? Oh really? Thinking of taking up pole dancing? Oh really? You could argue or persuade but she's letting off steam and it will probably be something else next week.

So no, you would not be unreasonable to leave your mother to get on with her life. If she wants your advice she can ask for it. I believe that everyone's hair has been growing during lockdown, her choices are diy or let it grow. It's the same choice that everyone else is having to make, how does she think other people are getting on or has she not stopped to consider that this is a universal problem?

@MintyCedric it must be the day for it, DM is driving me mad today..wittering on about hairdressers as well! Also not eating properly..totally confused with time at the moment so was eating sandwiches for breakfast. She has phoned me at least 10 times since I left this morning after a quick visit most of which I am ignoring. I made a list of all of her friends phone numbers and left it by the phone..has she rung any of them? Has she heck..just me.

I'm glad to hear L has been spoken to about overfamiliarity. I'm still amazed that he let it get to this though. How is your dad doing at the moment? Hope he is okay and comfortable.

I've just blocked mum's number. Is that bad? I honestly can't take this, it is making me feel ill. She has carers 4 x a day but calls me constantly between visits. She is just not coping on her own at the moment, I just don't know what else to do? Can't even mention a CH and doesn't want full time care at home..clearly wants me to move back in which will not be happening!

Mum keeps mentioning the spare room she has, how it's there if I want it. If it were short term for a couple of weeks after surgery then yes, but as a long term solution then no, that will not be happening. That would possibly be five years of my life gone, five years where I am still fit with good knees. She has the money to have lots of options. She sees it as a wonderful idea and from her point of view it would be but I don't want to be a full time live in carer, paid or unpaid. I have been brought up to always put myself last and sacrifice my needs for everyone else's and fortunately I realised just in time that there were options other than martyrdom.

Dad is actually not doing too badly...it's a mix of being deeply asleep, delirious and on good form but it's fairly predictable/manageable.

One lovely thing is that when he is awake and with it, he's engaging much more and has got a half decent appetite. He keeps asking for specific things to eat and drink which is lovely as it's about the only pleasure he has and thing we can do for him and I'm a bit of a feeder.

He had a bowl of cheesy scrambled eggs and a slice of homemade lemon roulade last night.

This morning he had a full bowl of porridge, a coffee, 2 cups of tea, a sandwich and 2 biscuits before I left at 1.20 which is the most I've known him eat in months.

He definitely seems to be on better form since I've been around more. I've wondered as he's so frail if it would possible for mumto go somewhere for respite for a week or two, and me move in to look after him.

Knotaknitter, your doing the right in not moving in with your mother despite her wanting this. Your realised that moving in with her will put your life on hold and being honest she could live longer than you expect. I have seen several people dealing with and/or living with elderly parents with different medical needs and it's hard work with very little thanks.

Certainly in my family it has always been the accepted thing that the daughter (or DIL) steps in to become the carer, keeping it in the family, etc. I've got one foot in, and one out given this isn't the Victorian era.

My DD also remarks on just how grumpy I get around DM, but I guess for us it is cumulative?

The downside to dementia is that DM has forgotten that the gas fire is repaired, and wants to phone me multiple times a day to tell me she needs to get it fixed.

The upside to dementia is that she has forgotten my phone number so can't make the calls!

(She's not cold btw - the heating in the house works).

Would I BU to just step back, stop trying to advise/guide mum and let her get the fuck on with it? No, of course you wouldn't. How is she ever to understand what is a good choice and what is a bad one if she never gets to experience any adverse effects? This is another way of saying what knot was saying.

I've just blocked mum's number. Is that bad? No, of course not. I never got further than simply not picking up, but even knowing that there's a call sets you on edge. So if you need a break, you have to take it.

No, of course not. I never got further than simply not picking up, but even knowing that there's a call sets you on edge. So if you need a break, you have to take it.

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation I of course only blocked it for a couple of hours as it was relentless yesterday. She can still leave messages even if blocked-I didn't know that?

Today she seems much calmer and only had a few calls. I am being selective today and only picking up every few hours. She's bored and lonely, however she has 4 carer visits a day so not completely on her own.