The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I wake up every day and wonder how the hell this happened...raised on the whole "three score and ten" thing.

Ain't that the truth. Virtually no-one in my family made it to 80 when I was growing up. Mine will be 83 and 82 this year...my aunties are mid-late 80's - one in good health, the other currently sectioned due to a dementia crisis.

Dancing you are definitely not a bad person...if you could see inside my head on the worst days you'd be horrified and I don't even think that I'm a bad person!

Acorn This morning I cut mum off in our usual chat about the weather because she rang just as I was about to go to the toilet. Rather than a fifteen minute conversation about nothing it was three minutes. The world did not end as a result.

To me, mum looks to be bored. She used to be always doing something but now she doesn't bake, sew, knit, crochet or anything other than read. I keep suggesting things that she used to do but it's "no" to everything. I am now suggesting that she start clearing out some wardrobes which might make crochet the more attractive option.

@knotaknitter She lives near the town centre so usually goes out most days but uses a Walker so cant manage it with one hand. She usually knits too which she now cant do. I've got hold of a wheelchair so will take her to the supermarket tomorrow. She perked up a little at this suggestion. My sister is collecting her for tea tonight. I cleaned her flat today as she will not pay for a cleaner...We need to broach the carer, cleaner, homehelp situation again before I go back to work, I've been on part time furlough due to school closing and managed to extend this for a couple of weeks. I fear she has already come to rely on me there every morning though

NoDancingShoes I would be miserable too with a broken arm - no knitting and it would stop me doing a lot of other things too. Does she read, do jigsaws, puzzle books, audio books - something to fill the time that she spent doing things with that hand.

She loves watching tv luckily and I've bought her lots of magazines and a few books. She's at my sisters for tea so shes had quite a full day.
Hope you've all managed to have a good weekend x

Nodancingshoes it's really important you decide how much you really want, and are able, to do for her. If that feels tough, remind yourself that she will be worse off if you run yourself into the ground. It sounds to me like you might have a golden opportunity to insist that she gets a bit of help with cleaning etc, "just while she can't use her arm". It could be a good way to get her to buy in a bit of help and get used to the idea.

I had my first visit to dad in his care home yesterday. The visiting arrangements were fine - nice little room in the garden, with a couple of armchairs and I only had to do a test and wear a mask, not the full space suit. But dad was very agitated and confused, so I came away feeling sad.

We have a meeting with social services on Tuesday to decide whether to try and get him home after this six week placement. I very much doubt he will be coming home and was hoping to see him looking quite settled (as he has on video calls) but that wasn't the case at all .

@AChickenCalledDaal

Nodancingshoes it's really important you decide how much you really want, and are able, to do for her. If that feels tough, remind yourself that she will be worse off if you run yourself into the ground. It sounds to me like you might have a golden opportunity to insist that she gets a bit of help with cleaning etc, "just while she can't use her arm". It could be a good way to get her to buy in a bit of help and get used to the idea.

I had my first visit to dad in his care home yesterday. The visiting arrangements were fine - nice little room in the garden, with a couple of armchairs and I only had to do a test and wear a mask, not the full space suit. But dad was very agitated and confused, so I came away feeling sad.

We have a meeting with social services on Tuesday to decide whether to try and get him home after this six week placement. I very much doubt he will be coming home and was hoping to see him looking quite settled (as he has on video calls) but that wasn't the case at all .

I hear you @AChicken I've had a very mixed bag of visits with DM. One was so awful I drove home in tears but the last 2 have been okay. She actually didn't moan today and we had a good old natter about tennis players as she used to love watching it on TV.

We also have our SW coming to see mum on Tuesday. She has suggested to me that DM might be a good candidate for extra care housing. I am not so sure-I really think she will need 24 hour care in the not too distant future so just wouldn't be worth the move. Even if they do think she needs to go into a CH full time, I would want her moved from this one due to location and lack of facilities (staff are absolutely lovely though).

Chicken and Piste

Sorry you've had difficult visits with your loved ones.

Have just arrived at The Olds to find mum fussing and sobbing over Dad who is not in a good way again. He's not been great in himself at all since the chest episode last week.

I'm beginning to have doubts as to whether someone in the 'chain of command' is going to say he's too ill to move to the care home tbh, and also reservations about how long he'll last.

On the one hand, I feel he needs to be somewhere that can offer 24/7 palliative care, which this place does. On the other, if he's this close to the end, should we move him? But then we've thought he was on his last legs so many times and honestly how much longer can we go on. Mum is already broken and I can only cope with so much of her.

Feel like I'm staring down the barrel of the week from hell...again.

@MintyCedric that sounds so hard - I hope things go well this week.
After a conversation with my sister, it is now clear that my nan is expecting me to clean her flat on a regular basis...I had already said that I wouldnt be able to do this when she tried to offer me money for doing it a few months ago. I work almost full time and have 2 children, one of which has ASD. We have a friend who is a self employed cleaner who would also be happy to have a cup of tea with her after cleaning so will broach this with her. I KNOW she will be horrified at the hourly rate though. (It is a regular cleaners rate - not high imo) Off to take her to the supermarket now and remind her I'm bacm to work soon - wish me luck x

The carers have just been.

Main carer came downstairs in tears after seeing Dad this morning...

They think it's unlikely he'd make it through the 10 day quarantine period if he goes into the home, but equally though he only had weeks when they started working with us last September.

Oh Minty
Sorry if I have this wrong but I think you said before that your mum can pay for 24 hour care? It sounds like it might be time.

Big hugs to you.

dancing good luck- be firm. Tell her if someone else does the cleaning it means you can take her out- when it works for you.
minty is hospice care at home possible? Sounds like your dad has maybe had enough. Please chase/ pay for extra practical help. 🌺🌺🌺🌺

@thesandwich

The hospice has turned down two referrals last August and last November.

The only person who can refer is the GP and we can't get one to come out to see him. Every time we/the carers/the Echo team call the surgery we either get a phone call from the GP or a practice nurse.

The home he's going to offers full palliative care, and in the event that he takes a turn and they can see what's coming we'll be allowed in to be with him.

Have spoken to mum this morning and we're agreed that we will go ahead with the transfer.
Carer said this morning that it might just be what he needs to let go...no-one can believe he's still with us and he really, really doesn't want to be.

"Carer said this morning that it might just be what he needs to let go...no-one can believe he's still with us and he really, really doesn't want to be."

This sounds like information heard from many people who had loved ones in this situation. Btw can I ask if he has any oral spray to make his mouth more comfortable? I had to request it in the hospital because they were in denial. They weren't being neglectful, just for some reason I'll never know, refused to accept the inevitable.

Trigger warning here maybe, for those who have fears around death etc

It's a thing, people needing to be alone or wait till loved ones leave the room.

In case it helps, and I realise you might not want to do this, I was advised to talk to my unconscious father as if it were a normal day and I was just visiting like a normal home visit.

So the last time he responded, mum and sis were at the bedside crying. I was quietly telling him about an ordinary thing that happened that week....and he came to. He seemed astonished to see us, I think he thought he was dead. He couldn't speak but we were able to hold hands and I think he was pleased that a normal thing was happening in my life and that he knew I'd be okay. And I smiled throughout. Lord knows the poor man saw me in tears enough of his life on account of my depression and anxiety!

Then mum and sis started fussing over him and he made a little "go away" gesture which upset them. But I think it meant "okay, leave me in peace now". He died about 36 hours after that. He should have died before but they only put him in the hospice a few hours before.

I firmly believe he needed the empty room, empty of loved ones, but with nurses, in order to cross over.

Very thoughtful postacorn

Minty For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing in moving forward with the placement. If the end is coming it would be easier for your dad somewhere with immediate access to the good drugs, with medical staff ready accessible and plenty of people to support him and you. You and your mum haven't had the training and experience for this level of care and it's a never ending struggle to get the support you need. In a residential setting that support is there 24/7 and you don't have to fight to get it.

This is all sound advice. My DF went to a hospice and it was a really hard decision at the time, but it allowed him to die in dignity, which he couldn't have done at home. The family was exhausted and the level of care he needed was beyond what we could give.

The hospice was wonderful. So much so that I set up a monthly standing order after he passed, and I have paid it every month of those 24 years since.

Thank you for sharing that Acorn. When my mum died I got the very strong sense that she had hung on long enough for one last visit (I was living a long way away at the time) and then she felt able to let go. Thinking of you Minty and everyone else that's having to make tough decisions just now.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and advice.

Not much change this morning. Hopefully nurse is coming out to do warfarin bloods and will do Covid test at same time.

@MintyCedric

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and advice.

Not much change this morning. Hopefully nurse is coming out to do warfarin bloods and will do Covid test at same time.

How are you holding up?

Just plodding on really...not much else to be done.

Covid test is sorted and registered so will post that later. Dad sleeping, mum really just wants company so she's on her computer atm and I'm doing a YouTube workout at the other end of the room, and have brought some wool with me to start making dad a fiddle blanket to take into the home with him.

Hopefully will get away about 3 and have a few hours to myself at home before DD gets back from her dads.

Time fore the Cockroach cafe to have a new look for Spring - new thread here

@MintyCedric

Just plodding on really...not much else to be done.

Covid test is sorted and registered so will post that later. Dad sleeping, mum really just wants company so she's on her computer atm and I'm doing a YouTube workout at the other end of the room, and have brought some wool with me to start making dad a fiddle blanket to take into the home with him.

Hopefully will get away about 3 and have a few hours to myself at home before DD gets back from her dads.

Okay, that's good

I will tidy round, put the chairs away and see you over on the new shiny thread. Thanks for starting it Dint