The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I looked at that Dint. The out on the Covid rules is the line for "care of the vulnerable" but in my case it wouldn't apply anyway because mum is in my bubble and so it would still be two households meeting inside which in my location today is allowed. Come Christmas, who knows?

There's only me that drives so I can't easily pop out right at the last minute and have her come through the door just as the turkey lands on the table. I don't have a downstairs toilet and she can't manage the stairs, she can't be bothered with Christmas because it's just for children isn't it and she stopped putting any decorations up years ago because it was too much fuss.

I'll leave it a couple of weeks because I'm a coward then ask her daughter what she has planned for her mother at Christmas.

There's only me that drives so I can't easily pop out right at the last minute and have her come through the door just as the turkey lands on the table. I don't have a downstairs toilet and she can't manage the stairs, she can't be bothered with Christmas because it's just for children isn't it and she stopped putting any decorations up years ago because it was too much fuss. The patio option begins to look attractive!

It's interesting - however difficult you find your own elder, there's always something of someone else's elder which is far worse. It's a major exercise getting my dad in - erect frame round toilet, put up two ramps to country the two sets of steps in the front garden, insist he sits in wheelchair rather than try to walk up, one person (or two taking turns) on dad-entertainment-duty to keep him out of the kitchen ... but he loves family and Christmas and always has.

You are right Dint, if I cared I'd make it happen somehow. I spend great chunks of time researching things that would make my mother's life easier but I don't want to get into that with the other granny seeing as she has children and siblings who could be doing that. I am caring for one eighty year old and I am trying hard not to take on responsibility for another. One has just me, one has multiple family members who could do stuff but would rather not. I'd rather not too.

If she was less nasty I'd feel better about having her but she never has a good word to say about anything or anyone. This is not an age thing, she's been a moaner for as long as I've known her.

It has not been a bad week. No-one has fallen or needed emergency DIY and I'm feeing quite positive (apart from Christmas)

Sotd pp by the fireplace

I could still smell waft this morning...immense staying power!

Wrong thread!!!
So sorry 🤭

Phew! Git a bit confused there! No worries!!

I'm feeling quite positive (apart from Christmas) Can you consign Christmas to "over the horizon"? Things that don't need thinking about yet? After all, we have no idea what restrictions will be in place then - planning anything more than a week in advance seems a bit rash at the moment

Well, we have a viewing of the flat being arranged but I'm not getting my hopes up.
The flats are really small apparently.
No idea what to tbh.
No private landlords will rent to her as she's retired and she isn't safe where she is.
She only qualifies for supported housing (flats)
So I guess she will just stop the sale of the house and that's that.

Really small flat = cheap to heat and easy to clean. I hope that the viewing goes well, ours never did because my mother couldn't see past the colour of the walls or the occupant's furniture.

Dint you are right, I have lost my perspective. It's 16 weeks to Christmas and who knows what will have changed by then. I will attempt to not think about Christmas dinner until the start of November.

I went to see her earlier and today she seems quite open to the idea 🤷‍♀️
The flat will be empty AFAIK.
I think it could be very cosy.

knot
Mum might be here for Xmas unless she gets a better offer 🙄😀
It's no bother really...she eats then leaves!
I'm trying not to get my hopes up!

Yes!
I will point out both of things to her...she feels the cold terribly so smaller rooms might work for her

Thigh nailed it for you Yoikes
^yoikes it's a very interesting pasttime that oldies have, requesting lots of research and acting on none of it.^
If you have low expectations viewing might turn out better than you hoped.
My parents when they were 70 agreed to buy my DSis house. She was recently divorced and recovering breast cancer and had bought off plan in a new development for a fresh start. My DM was insistent she wanted DSis original house and begged to buy it from her. To cut a painful episode short, parents reneged two days before sale went through but had already sold their home . My DSis has to remain in her original house which was all packed up in boxes while my parents spent the first six months in the brand new property.

I hope your DM is different Yoikes but basically prepare for it all to go tits up and in Thighs’s case golden tits up

rinse thank you.
I certainly expect very little from the viewing 😀 so if it goes well that's a bonus.
Really sorry to hear about your sister. Pretty shitty behaviour 😕
It staggers me how selfish some of our oldies are 😕

I'm feeling very "sandwichy" today 😕 I know you will all "get it".

Took mum to get rid of 7 (yes...7...) bin bags of old bnwt clothes, shoes and bags.

Hurt my arm on the bloody clothes bin. Blood and everything.

Then took her for coffee and to the pharmacy for her flu jab.

Sat down at home with a cuppa and ds2s school phoned to pick him up had he's ill (back to school germs - Y7s dropping like flies apparently...)

Ugh. Ds1 doesn't start back to college until next week and only on site 1/3 of the time.

I need some time alone. Just for a bit!

My plans to look at going into self employed consultancy look fucked tbh ☹

At least for this year.

Gah.

I'm on a "sabbatical" apparently....
hollow laughter

YYY to being a sandwich. Sadly not a particularly tasty one.

I've spotted some fairly small p/t jobs that I could do on top of my very p/t business. However, every time I go to fill in the application or update my CV I get distracted my Mum crying or the kids wanting some emotional support etc etc

I'm trying to work out whether I genuinely don't have time or I just don't want to and am using my family as an excuse.

If I used the time I spend just messing around and spent it on work I could. But I don't.

I'm tired and I achieve nothing but I'm always busy. Pissing around with housework, gardening, some work, who knows?

thigh I totally understand!!
There's always some fucker needing something from me. Sigh.
I was asked to apply for 2 jobs over the past few months...both pt, both jobs I could do easily...and I just sat looking at the job specs and application forms and...didn't.
Can't explain it, really.
Other than I don't seem to have the headspace/brainpower/desire to do "stuff" anymore.
It's honestly like a switch has been flicked and I've just stopped pushing myself into doing things I don't want to do.
Or.....I'm just really, really lazy???
I've even given up one of my voluntary roles. The trustees treated me pretty shabbily over lockdown so I basically told them to fuck off (nicely) ☺
It's peri menopause. It's sent me a bit funny 😬

I'm a very stale, limp sandwich atm :(

Hello fellow sandwiches! Having been self employed and juggled all I have now wound up the business as it was too much but still I don’t seem to have much time for anything.
I think it’s about doing something that feeds your soul- I loved my work but was always afraid I’d drop a plate. Fortunately I never had to let a client down.or anyone else.
I keep looking at various voluntary stuff as I’d love to use my skills but am concerned about committing too much....
Christmas???? What a thought..... at least dm is up the road so can be a shortish day and I can drink later....

I get really cackly now when I drink....like a pissed witch 🧙‍♀️

I don't think I have the motivation to feed my soul anymore! It's so strange but caring for Dad then losing him and now that Mum is alone I just don't care very much.

Mum is making noises about moving to Golden Tits' village and inside I'm thinking GREAT.

But part of me would be sad too, some strange admission of defeat. Meanwhile what about MY work, MY pension. I think I lack something, work ethic, motivation? Who knows

Yep.
Me too .
I am in good company ☺

Well.
Took mum to view the flat earlier.
I think she might take it!
(Crosses everything!)
It is small but rent is £390 heating included.
Needs a lot of decorating and new carpets etc but all doable.

Fingers crossed here too. I didn't think of those advantages - small flats have fewer walls so less time spent decorating and need less carpet.

Can you get her to sign up before she changes her mind?