The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Stitchintimesaves9

She was a great mum when I was a kid but she is a raging control freak and ever since I reached adulthood has done everything possible to manipulate me and keep me in my place.

I do love her, she has also been supportive and generous and when she's on form can be really good fun, but her No 1 priority at all times is keeping those around her in her comfort zone.

There are reasons for all this, which I understand but it doesn't make it easier to cope with.

I want to help her. I want to put the support in place so we can enjoy the good bits of our relationship for however long we have left.

I want to able to return to work (ideally embark on a new career) knowing that she is content and has social interactions and practical support at hand so I don't have to worry all the time.

I want to be able to see her a couple of times a week and enjoy taking her out for a coffee and a mooch around the garden centre, to a pub quiz, having her back to mine for a roast, maybe even the occasional weekend away together.

I can't do that with the amount of pressure she's putting on me to be sole guardian of her mental, physical, emotional and practical wellbeing with no regard for my life, feelings or other responsibilities.

Minty something has to give - and it sounds like it'll be you.

Why can't carers come in more regularly? I really think they need to increase their visits throughout the day so that you can pull back a bit.

If you weren't there - what would your mum do?

I applied for an emergency carers assessment some months ago and am still waiting (Surrey).

Sounds like your dm has shown her hand minty and that she wants you to move in.
Please speak to your gp. You need a sick note from your unpaid job.
Get your dm to accept more paid care.
You deserve more as does your dd. 🌺🌺

I applied for an emergency carers assessment some months ago and am still waiting (Surrey).

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Dad is really not the problem. It's mum's emotional state that I'm really struggling to cope with.

I've even suggested she go into somewhere for a week or two respite and I move in to look after him (there would then be room for me and DD to stay and we could bring the cats.

The problem with carers is that:

A/ they are there to see to dad, not mum

B/ Dads needs cannot be run to schedule so there would frequently be no point in them attending

C/ mum is very anti any further disruption and given the points above it doesn't seem worth forcing the issue.

I've suggested that a second companion carer comes along with the regular guy so she can get used to someone else in case of an emergency, or so there's someone she likes and trusts when I go.back to work but she's having none of it.

Her latest thought is that if I won't move in with her she will stay in the house, have an extension to create a downstairs bedroom and shower room and pay for a full time live in companion (like her friend who actually needs one and has at least 4x the capital).

I have said that if she wants to make decisions about what is best for her without taking the impact on me into account, I will have to do likewise ie continue in my plans for a career change which will be demanding, full time and not always local in order to achieve a better level of salary than I'm currently on so I can focus on building my pension.

You need a sick note from your unpaid job.

Is that even possible?

please say yes

Sounds a bit like my DM used to be - lovely as long as everyone was playing by her rules, with some narcissistic traits.

So difficult to deal with this behaviour - sounds like whatever you give she wants more, and it's difficult to set boundaries. Shocking that she would expect you to neglect your own DD. What happens when you try to set limits on your involvement with her? Sounds like she probably knows how to manipulate the situation

I meant instruction from your gp to reduce your involvement.
Worth discussing with your gp. Reduce your visits.
Your dm is behaving in desperation like a caged animal.
You must protect yourself and your dd

Yes Minty is is possible.

Tell your mum to grow the fuck up and sort her shit out. You have your own life and family, and you are running on empty. That's not good and it's not sustainable. x

nota you put it so beautifully!!
Exactly what I waffled around.
Your dm will destroy you minty

I think you'll be in a stronger position Minty when you are back to work because now you are wearing the Carer hat potentially full time. I suspect the line of leaving all her money to the cat's home will come round again, it's a tool to keep you in check. It's a pity that your dream job isn't at the other end of the country because that would give you the separation that you don't have now.

I've said it before but it is not your responsibility to make your mother happy. She may believe this but it is not so. This came as a revelation to me because I had been brought up to please everyone else, it was my job to make everyone happy. These days I am working on being more selfish (also known as "what would be expected of me if I was male?")

I really think that notaflyingmonkey has the best analysis.

Knot unfortunately the application for my dream job has been put on hold due to Covid...God only knows when they will open it up again.

I did say to her the other day that if she is hellbent on making whatever decisions she wants regardless of the consequences or impact on others (ie me), then I will make the decisions I need to about my future in the same way.

If I eventually got taken on in the role I'd like it will initially require 6 weeks full time training comprising a 50 mile round trip a day, and then shift work including unsociable hours.

I have no intention of turning down that opportunity should it come my way. All I want is to be able to get her settled so there's not a crisis later on, but if she won't be helped or help herself I'm back to reminding myself that she has capacity, she has all the money and she is dad's next of kin.

I'm basically trying to manage a situation I have no control over and I feel my only option now is to step back and let the dice fall where they may.

I'm off to be now with a huge hot chocolate to watch some crappy stuff on YouTube.

Going to call GP in the morning and ask to be referred back to mental health services.

I hope you had some decent sleep. My Youtube watching is all of people building/living in isolated cabins in the woods. I'm not daft, I can see this as my desire to run away and have responsibility for no-one other than myself. When I wake at 3am instead of worrying about the future I try to think about my imaginary bolthole. I've decided against indoor plumbing because I'd worry about it freezing, I'm ok with an outhouse. I suspect I'm living in Alaska which is as far from my life as I can get. I don't know why I don't move my imaginary cabin in New Zealand where the weather is better and there is daylight in the winter. Perhaps I need to suffer for my freedom.

Your mum is not going to change, she's not likely to have a blinding revelation and become the parent you would like to have. She's dangling the possibility of an inheritence because she knows you have concerns about your financial security and it's a way of controlling you. Please take some financial advice and sort out your pension because if you knew you could walk away from her you would not feel as trapped. You are not her mum, her housekeeper or her personal assistant, all those things you do for her are capable of being done by someone else for money (is there a befriending service in your area - here they do that sort of small daughter-chore).

You've tried her suggestion, stepped away from your job and done the carer role and is dealing with mum all the time any less stressful than juggling job and mum? If not, get back to work when you can and have some financial independence. It's always been about your mum, she's trained you to put her needs above yours. If you are not able to put yourself first you can think of it as standing up for your daughter. You need that pension so that you can provide for yourself when you are your mother's age and not be reliant on your daughter. It's not about you, it's about her having a better life.

Hi minty
So, your mum has finally played her hand, eh?
Move in!??? Ffs.
I have no words for her selfishness and narcissism but I totally agree with other posters above...step away.
I'm going to be really blunt with you as its something that I realised last year after I made myself ill sorting mum out..
You ready?
OK.
If you died tomorrow (God forbid) your mum would be fine.
She has the money to buy in all the help she could want/need.
Your dad would probably finally be given the care he needs either in resire or permanently.
I am not saying this to upset you but because its the truth.
Its something I realised after my siblings abdicated all responsibility again and left everything to me.
If I wasn't there they/she would have to step up.
Its been incredibly helpful to me to realise this.
Take today for example..
Its snowing here. A few months ago I'd be strapping on my snow boots and making my way to her flat. Leaving my kids to themselves.
Instead today I will be sitting at home, drinking hot drinks, watching trash and being here for my kids.
I've got a Y13 who is very stressed atm :(
Take care xxx

I didn't do too badly on the sleep front, although even with diazepam I can't seem to manage more more than 2.5-3 hours without waking up and needing another to get back to sleep (they are only tiny doses).

I did have a somewhat horrific borderline sex dream involving Mark Labett from The Chase though .

Called the GP this morning...I've got a phone all booked for Wednesday which works well as I'll be at home.

Have made the excision to stop calling in the morning. If anything is wrong mum or the carers can call me, and I can get on without instantly having the pressure of all the panic and doommongering hanging over me.

The money thing is daft really. I own my home with a relatively modest mortgage that will be paid off before I retire, so I will always be able to downsize or do equity release if needs be.

As soon as I go back to work I will enrol in the pension scheme even if I can only manage a tiny contribution to start with. It's local authority and one of the best in the country apparently so at least it'll be a start.

The job I'm aiming for (assuming my literary efforts don't quite make me the next Val McDermid!) has a starting salary about £6-7k per year more than I'm currently on, and if go for level 2 training (which I will) could take me upto double my current income. There's supervisory level after that which would take me to in excess of £40k pa, and enable me to make a decent indent into a pension over the next 15-20 years.

The inheritance would ultimately mean more comfort and freedom, but I'm not going to end up in a cardboard box without it, and it's not worth sacrificing the here and now for.

DD bless her her, has told me she wants to look after me financially when I'm old...I have said that's not her job but if she wants to treat me to the off mum and daughter weekend away I won't say no!

Oops namechanger here!

Knot my YouTube is mostly fireplaces, Succession complications and Dr Pimple Popper type vids...I find them really relaxing .

Thank you Bee you are absolutely right of course.

I've had the link to the FOG website open for weeks but not got round to looking at it. Today's the day I think.

I really do feel for you minty
You seem such a lovely person.
You have gone above and beyond and I get it, honestly.
I was very close to my late dad, too.

Oooooh
Pimple popper
Now you're talking!..

It's difficult for your mum - she's in a situation that she can't control, and if she's a person who likes to be in control, that's very stressful for her. And she's facing the loss of her life partner. So you can't expect her to have much emotional room left to worry about your needs.

Which means that you have to prioritise your own needs, and fight for them. No-one else is going to do it for you.

You've pointed out to her ways in which she can get help, you're doing a lot for her yourself (too much; you shouldn't be doing more than you're happily willing to do let alone an amount which makes you ill) So while she's in a situation none of us would like to be in, she does have it within her capacity to make it a bit less bad, and she's refusing to do that. Although you can recognise her situation and sympathise, it's not up to you to wreck your own life on her behalf.

Re 16 year old daughter - she possibly seems more of an adult to your mother than she does to you. My mother at 16 had already left school two years previously, and at 17 this girl who had never left her
village was required to relocate to a large town doing war work with hundreds of other young people. So abandoning a 16 year old may seem more reasonable to her generation than to yours. I myself am gobsmacked by the amount of mollycoddling a younger friend of mine gives to her son at university, so undoubtedly when I get old and scared I'll be making outrageous suggestions to my own sons.

Very wise words dint

@MereDintofPandiculation

That's a really interesting different perspective.

Mum is very much a control freak. There are a multitude of back stories and past trauma that explain her behaviour even if they don't excuse it. That said she's had various cracks at counselling and therapy over the years but all too little too late. Her feelings, coping mechanisms and the realisations that her issues were in fact useful in terms of getting her own way were too deeply entrenched.

She is not worried about losing my father per se, but about being left on her own (massive separation anxiety/abandonment issues).

Her point of reference for everything is that she lost her much loved Dad at 13yo, and therefore nothing anyone ever goes through in any context whatsoever will ever be as significant as the trauma she experienced then and has carried with her since. She also had a claustrophobically close relationship with her own mother (didn't leave home until she was nearly 40), and carries a whole load of bitterness and resentment that I am closer to my dad, and that I have a better mother/daughter relationship with DD than I do with her.

Yes, she is losing her life partner, but the bald truth of the matter is that whilst there was enough respect and affection to keep them going, mum and dad were never soul mates. He sacrificed a lot of his wants and needs to be a good husband and father to her, and whilst she played her part in taking care of the home, finances, me etc brilliantly they've never had much in common. She married him largely on the rebound and both dad and I have known that for a long time. She's always given the impression that she feels she deserved better.

It's hard to see her sobbing by his bedside one minute, then in the next breath telling me she doesn't have patience to sit and feed him, complaining loudly and at length in front of him about the smell when he soils himself, moaning about the fact she didn't expect to be dealing with the situation for more than 3 months and waxing lyrical about her feelings for the bloody 'companion'.

She doesn't like looking after Dad and does the bare minimum imo, prioritising laundry over sitting with him and helping him with meals for instance.

To be brutally honest, the best scenario would be for her to go somewhere lovely where she can be semi independent but have meals provided and hot and cold running attention/company, whilst DD and I move in with Dad and I look after him properly with the help of carers.

Oh I shouldn't be looking at this

But I thought Dint's post was way off the mark.

If Minty's mum has enough bandwidth to manipulate, she's got more than enough to know that Minty can't cope with her demands.

Minty you know she is sobbing at his bedside because she can't believe this has happened to her. I am truly sorry for your troubles.

@AcornAutumn

I'm so glad you're around and hope things are better for you than they were the other week. I tried to PM you but wasn't able to and have thought about you a lot since.

Really appreciate your support

I seem to be struggling under the weight of DM's life admin at the moment. There has been a steady stream of stuff that apparently only I can sort coming at me from either the care agency, Meals on Wheels, and now even the neighbours.

I spent most of the weekend trying to catch up on my work, as I'm getting lost under the backlog, and now find myself again trying to find a tradesperson to come and meet me to sort stuff out.

nota

I really feel for you. I hate life admin with a passion and am crap enough at keeping up with my own.