The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@AcornAutumn no she lives on her own with carers 4x a day. I'm 25 mins away. I think if she comes home from respite this will be her final chance. She's not far off needing a CH full time but I'm just trying to avoid it for as long as possible due to current restrictions.

[quote OnthePiste]@AcornAutumn no she lives on her own with carers 4x a day. I'm 25 mins away. I think if she comes home from respite this will be her final chance. She's not far off needing a CH full time but I'm just trying to avoid it for as long as possible due to current restrictions. [/quote]
Oh I see.

May the odds be ever in your favour!

acorn glad about the gin and the painting.
piste does your dm have much sense of time? Can you stall her going home? Hope you are getting a break now she isn’t at home. It’s so hard waiting for things to go pear shaped.

@thesandwich

acorn glad about the gin and the painting. piste does your dm have much sense of time? Can you stall her going home? Hope you are getting a break now she isn’t at home. It’s so hard waiting for things to go pear shaped.

Well she didn't, when she was in hospital for 3.5 weeks she had no idea how long she had been there. However, now the delirium has subsided, she is more aware. The SW is going to see her on Tuesday to assess her with a view to her coming home. She will have had 4 weeks of respite by then so may see if we can string it out to the full 6! The peace and quiet has been amazing..the thought of all those phone calls again fills me with dread!

Acorn sorry to hear you've had more aggro.i can relate so much to your posts. It's so bloody relentless and the wondering when you're finally going to get your life/freedom back then feeling guilty for doing so.

Piste glad your mum's doing ok. Hope you manage to find a workable solution for her going forward.

As for mine...meh.

No more chest/fluid probs for Dad but it's obviously going to build up again. He was largely away with the fairies yesterday...woke me up shouting at 5am wanting to know when his brother (who died last year) was coming and if he was bringing the rabbits . Later he told me very seriously that he really didn't think he'd be able to go back to work...

We have the ball rolling to get him into the care home now, maybe end of next week. Will tell mum tomorrow or Monday rather than destroy my day off as she is another whole world of problems atm.

Her memory and capacity for doing things seems to be diminishing rapidly. She gets confused doing online shopping, loses certain words, forgets what day it is and yesterday asked me the same question (which shouldn't have even needed asking) 3x in 4 hours.

She spent most of the morning crying, largely about L (it's not just that but he seems to be the trigger). I tried to by sympathetic when I left - gave her a hug and said I wished there was something I could do to cheer her up, to which she replied that no-one could do that 'except one person'....

Had a 15 minute monologue on the subject yesterday evening, then a message at 1am "I'm still awake and can't stop crying. M x'

Honestly have no idea where to start unpicking it all. She's told me outright to keep my nose out so that's what I'm doing...but obviously will be expected to pick up the pieces when it all goes to hell in a handcraft, so that's great.

@MintyCedric

Acorn sorry to hear you've had more aggro.i can relate so much to your posts. It's so bloody relentless and the wondering when you're finally going to get your life/freedom back then feeling guilty for doing so.

Piste glad your mum's doing ok. Hope you manage to find a workable solution for her going forward.

As for mine...meh.

No more chest/fluid probs for Dad but it's obviously going to build up again. He was largely away with the fairies yesterday...woke me up shouting at 5am wanting to know when his brother (who died last year) was coming and if he was bringing the rabbits . Later he told me very seriously that he really didn't think he'd be able to go back to work...

We have the ball rolling to get him into the care home now, maybe end of next week. Will tell mum tomorrow or Monday rather than destroy my day off as she is another whole world of problems atm.

Her memory and capacity for doing things seems to be diminishing rapidly. She gets confused doing online shopping, loses certain words, forgets what day it is and yesterday asked me the same question (which shouldn't have even needed asking) 3x in 4 hours.

She spent most of the morning crying, largely about L (it's not just that but he seems to be the trigger). I tried to by sympathetic when I left - gave her a hug and said I wished there was something I could do to cheer her up, to which she replied that no-one could do that 'except one person'....

Had a 15 minute monologue on the subject yesterday evening, then a message at 1am "I'm still awake and can't stop crying. M x'

Honestly have no idea where to start unpicking it all. She's told me outright to keep my nose out so that's what I'm doing...but obviously will be expected to pick up the pieces when it all goes to hell in a handcraft, so that's great.

Thanks @MintyCedric just enjoying having a breather now knowing she's safe and well looked after. I do hope your DF's move to the CH goes as smoothly as possible.

Her memory and capacity for doing things seems to be diminishing rapidly. She gets confused doing online shopping, loses certain words, forgets what day it is and yesterday asked me the same question (which shouldn't have even needed asking) 3x in 4 hours.

The above sounds exactly how mum's dementia started, however it could also be the stress of everything that is going on. Her behaviour surrounding L does sound very bizarre though, has she ever got fixated on someone like this in the past as far as you know?

Minty there is only so much you can deal with at once. Your mum is not at risk, she can wait for your full attention when you have it to give. There are many things that can look like dementia but aren't (interestingly including vitamin deficiency which is why the GP prescribed folic acid for mum after a recent blood test, much easier taking pills than attempting to get sprouts down her). When you are both less stressed you can call her gp with your concerns but at the moment you have enough on your plate already.

Well I've popped round this morning as I left a bag here yesterday.

Dad is responding just enough to say 'I want to die, go away' and refuse to even drink his tea.

Mum is in floods of tears as per. I told her a potted version of how dad was when I took his tea up. Less than ten minutes later "How's dad, is he awake?"

@OnthePiste yep...I expect some deterioration and obviously the stress isn't helping, but it seems so 'not her' iykwim? I'm worried the depression and fixation with L are also part of it.

@Knotaknitter I have no imminent plans to get involved or do anything about it. It's just another thing to add to the list of future worries.

Actually @Knotaknitter do you have a link to the vitamin deficiency info at all?

She's started taking Vit D since Covid but her diet otherwise is appalling so might well be an issue

Also re mum.

I'd noticed a few glitches towards the end of last year. Back in January one of the regular carers mentioned to me that her cognitive function didn't seem so good.

It has definitely got worse since then.

I give you:
"changes in the way you think, feel and behave
a decline in your mental abilities, such as memory, understanding and judgement (dementia)"

www.nhs.uk/conditions/vitamin-b12-or-folate-deficiency-anaemia/symptoms/

Mum had a blood test for something else and that was the one thing that the doctor picked up on. I said the chance of mum eating sprouts or broccoli was slim to none and her next prescription included three months of folic acid pills.

For those of us reading along at home, this is why if you have any concerns your first point of call is the gp. It's not always dementia and even if it is, an early diagnosis is better than a late one.

@Knotaknitter

For those of us reading along at home, this is why if you have any concerns your first point of call is the gp. It's not always dementia and even if it is, an early diagnosis is better than a late one.

Thank you Knot

Do you happen to know what a prescription dose of folic acid would be?

I find the ug, mg etc all really confusing. Thank you. This is for me, btw, not mum!

Acorn Mum is on 5mg a day for four months. Her dementia really is dementia, no doubt about that, but having identified the deficiency her lovely doctor was going to sort it out.

I've always taken vitamin D through the winter but I am seriously considering a year round multivitamin. It's not that my diet is poor but there are some things that I eat only rarely. There's only me so a cabbage goes on forever and oily fish does not cross my plate. I will pick up the supermarket own brand with the groceries and the only decision will be with iron or without.

Thanks for that link knot.

I think mum probably does ok for B12 based on that...she eats fortified cereal, eggs, fish and meat regularly, but folic acid not so much so will suggest she ups her intake of leafy greens or takes a supplement.

I haven't heard from her today which is unusual, aside from a couple of weird/'accidental' FB messages.

Suspect we mutually have the hump with one another.

Thank you knot

Thanks for that knot

Don't take dietary advice from an accountant, as always contact your/their GP if you have any concerns. Mum had a very lovely nurse arrive at her door to take blood so it is still possible even during a lockdown.

Hi, can I join?? Currently caring for my 95 year old nan. My mum was her only child and she died when I was a teenager closely followed by my grandad so she just has me and my sister. We have been hugely lucky as she is very independent but she broke her arm 2 weeks ago and the change in her is dramatic. She seems to have given up on life. Anyone else have experience of this? She is very reluctant to accept any help accept from me or my sister...

*except

Hi @Nodancingshoes and welcome!

Your nan is lucky to have you and your sister but that must be so tough on you both.

Sadly I think a traumatic event like breaking a bone often triggers significant changes in mental health for elderly people.

My dad was fairly low anyway in his 'old age' but he fell down the stairs 2 years ago and broke 4 vertebrae and his been on a downward trajectory ever since really.

Are you getting any support?

Thanks for your reply. I am finding it hard, she is very negative and no longer seems to care about anything but her own worries and ailments. This is not her character at all. No, no other support. I am back to work full time in a week so will not be able to go in every morning as I have been doing. She will not entertain the idea of a paid carer although we have arranged meals on wheels from tomorrow. My patience is wearing very thin and this makes me feel like a bad person - she has been like a mother to me for 25 years.

You are not a bad person. There is only do much you can to.
Local council should have details on their website of care providers or age uk.
Adult social services should advise too.
Good luck

@Knotaknitter

Don't take dietary advice from an accountant, as always contact your/their GP if you have any concerns. Mum had a very lovely nurse arrive at her door to take blood so it is still possible even during a lockdown.

I think I'd be more likely to trust the accountant.

Yesterday I didn't hear from mum. It must be the first time in a couple of decades. I figure she has an emergency button.

I have always been the favoured child, which I see as a burden but of course definitions vary.

There is, as Minty says, so much guilt in this process.

But not calling or just having a brief check in on non visit days might be helpful. Otherwise it's the same "chat" every day and it's exhausting and it could go on for 15 years. Or more.

And mum has this idea that I "need" her for things, whereas I wake up every day and wonder how the hell this happened...raised on the whole "three score and ten" thing. So it's not a bad idea to leave her be when possible.

Here's the rub....I sometimes think I will be even less patient when I see her, if I don't talk to her an hour a day. Like getting used to a horrible job and learning to joke about it.

All thoughts welcome.

NoDancingShoes I think there are a few of us here helping relatives who won't consider a paid carer, our contribution doesn't count somehow because it's in the family. Mum will proudly announce how she manages just fine all by herself with no help when it's me that is cleaning, shopping, preparing two meals a day, doing medication, looking after hearing aids (insert long list of things here). If it makes you feel any better at all think that you are the safe option for your nan, she doesn't have to tell you how she wants things doing because you already know and she trusts you.

I'm assuming that she walked out of hospital telling them that there would be no problems and her granddaughters would do everything for her. You do have your own lives and care can be paid for even if that is not her preferred option. The weather is picking up, would she want to go with you for a walk - what did she do to fill her day before she broke her arm?