The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I pointed out that at 93, and having hardly any appetite, if she choses to have a crisp sandwich of an evening, that was not something I felt we should take away from her.

Quite. But bless your DD for trying.

I often wonder if I should encourage Mum to get back on the fags tbh...I'd take anything that would calm her the fuck down right now.

And don't get me started on her crush on dad's 'companion carer'. I've not been sure how aware he is of the situation but he's done nothing to discourage it thus far...there's been illicit hugs when she's been upset, friending one another on FB and texting in between visits, which he often stays over his alloted time on for more than an hour if he's got nothing planned afterwards.

The acid test will be this week as she asked me to look at something on her phone the other day and I noticed she'd sent him a text making it quite clear she has feelings for him.

I don't know whether to be angry, mortified or rubbing my hands in glee at the thought someone else might be willing to deal with her.

Christ Minty that sounds particularly challenging! Just when you thought life had thrown everything it could at you with the oldies, it keeps on giving.

On another note...do those of you who have regular carers for your olds give them something at Christmas?

We feel they should have a little something but we're in a quandary as to what. Mum suggested putting a tenner in each card but not sure how that would fly with the agency.

I wonder if we should get an assortment of festive goodies, wrap them up and do a lucky dip!

Just got back from mum's...she signed up to an over 50s dating site last night a d
has already been 'liked' by a local bloke of 71.

Oh, and she's thinking of investing in bitcoin .

FMAL.

@MintyCedric

Just got back from mum's...she signed up to an over 50s dating site last night a d has already been 'liked' by a local bloke of 71.

Oh, and she's thinking of investing in bitcoin .

FMAL.

@MintyCedric that's hilarious! Sorry,you must be tearing your hair out. I think we need to make that coffee a bottle of wine!

It is hilarious. I'm thinking I may shelf the crime novel I'm writing and do a Secret Diary kind of thing instead

I am always up for wine

Does the cafe have an alcohol license? My parent moved into a home this week (respite but we expect them to stay there) and I need a glass or two of brandy. So many emotions and half of them conflict with each other.

The alcohol license covers us 24/7 optimist.

I put DM's Christmas decorations up today, with me asking her every 5 mins to do a list of people that she would like to send xmas cards to, so that I can get that in hand, to no avail. Problem being I can't keep up with who she's fallen out with over the year.

I'm going to give her carers a nice box of Lindor chocolates each with their card Minty as I wasn't sure if they would need to declare cash.

Bitcoin, sigh. When DS was having mental health problems this year that was the thing that he used to talk at me about.

All the virtual to you @2021optimist

My dad went in for respite in August, with the hope - on my part at least - that it would end up being permanent.

Quite honestly it was more stressful than managing him at home and pretty much broke me so I sympathise with the multitude of conflicting feelings.

Oh dear, nota. How's he doing now?

I think mum is still compos mentis, she just has a tendency to believe everything she reads on the Internet.

He's not brilliant minty, thanks for asking, but he is stable, which is something.

All in all, it's been a horrid year all round.

Mum has agreed to a couple of weeks of respite after Christmas. I would prefer it to be at a time where I could get away and stroll along the sand with the wind in my hair (and I'll take any sand, any weather) but I just need some relief from the continual anxiety. It's been non-stop since November last year and I need a break. I know I'm bad when I'm jumping when the phone rings.

Evening all. minty whatever next? If your dm is getting support from elsewhere, let it go.... as long as there is no manipulation going on.....
nota sounds like you’re full on .... crisp sandwich sounds good to me. I buy dm whatever she likes....... cream cakes etc.... just as long as she eats!
fly hope things are improving for your dm.
Hope everyone is doing ok in these tough times.

Oh on pressies for carers- dm gives them something small like hand cream etc.

Thanks for the carer gifts suggestions. I did suggest box of Heroes and a Christmas scratch card, or a Costa gift card if she wanted to be a bit more generous.

Hi all. I haven’t dropped in for a long time, but have had such a difficult time with aged parent recently that I just wanted to spend a little time in a space where people get it. We are their support bubble and I am dreading Christmas. SIgh.

Hope things are better with you all, although skimming most recent posts I fear not.

the social worker at the hospital finally called about FIL. Asked DP about care home or rehab, and DP has opted for rehab as a first step, and see where we go from there. Its scary how quickly they lose their mobility when just in bed for a few days.
If he has to go in a home after that its going to be all kinds of madness to sort out the finances, although I do have the ear of a very helpful bloke at the council who has already disallowed several things due to there being some blurred lines between ownership and owned by business. Either ways its the tidal wave of financial despair that we spied on the horizon many years ago, and MIL tried, but was too ill, and FIL refused to engage as would have been seen as giving up some kind of control. Better to let other people sort out you absolute shambles of a mess.
I think he was in the rehab about 3 weeks last time, and this was a far less serious health issue, however he seems to have been in hospital longer, so its all about mobility. Who knows if he will be back for Christmas

and on the other side it appears my own dad is falling off the mental health cliff again and my poor mum doesnt know whether to scream or cry. seems very very down.

Oh Nettle...I really feel for you and can only thank my lucky stars im not having to deal with ILs as well. MIL was difficult enough at the best of times.

Dad is not doing at all well. Am up to my eyeballs today but will need to call GP tomorrow to ask yet again if we can get hospice support in place.

On the upside, my career break application has been approved so just need to sort Carers Allowance and Universal Credit application and that's a load off.

I too am dreading Christmas @MoreElderlyParentWoes. @NettleTea tha sounds like a very stressful situation all round.

Stressful day here starting with a paramedic ringing me at 06:45 as mum had rung them, unable to breath. All checks done and nothing wrong, panic attack most likely. Carers took over and I went to work. Received a phone call after lunch saying it was one of the carers who gave her an extra tablet last night which caused her to be ill in the night. I made the mistake of trying to reason with her and ended up shouting. I feel so bad but fortunately her short term memory is so poor she didn't remember. Also talking about my dad who died in 1983 and asking me for his phone no. Lost track of the amount of calls today. Very confused this evening still, not sure why she has suddenly become so much more confused but I am ringing the MH team tomorrow to see if it could be to do with her medication.

Now drinking a large gin and watching This Country on iPlayer-hilarious! @MintyCedric yay to the career break

Thank you, flygirl767. Parent’s behaviour this week has been thoroughly obnoxious and I fear Christmas will be ruined by it. Hope I’m wrong.

I’m sorry to read of your own struggles. I started watching The Crown last night for distraction.

Good to see you more sorry things are rubbish for you.
nettle, fly nota, knot , sending you sympathy and 🌺🍫🍷🍷.
minty I missed the bit about your dm signing up for on line dating....... she’s not letting the grass grow? Glad you’ve got your career break.
Calm here touch wood.... hard trying to keep dm upbeat.

@thesandwich I think she was curious after I showed her my Tinder account a couple of months back and is using it as a distraction.

The latest from me is that DM has mice. It's freaking the carer out, but DM doesn't seem bothered (I think it's the dementia that means she doesn't 'get' it). I've been putting down humane traps and have caught three so far (all tiny), as well as putting plug in devices in the main rooms (which seem to do nothing). Another task for my list.