The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Hi @flygirl767...glad to hear you have a diagnosis for your DM...hopefully that will make things a bit easier to manage going forward. We will definitely have to do that coffee!

Something else has cropped up this morning. A colleague in my department who is also off long term sick has messaged me to say she had handed her notice in.

She works just three days a week on a job share with another colleague I get on really well with so wondering if taking on her role might be an option and going permanent part time.

More number crunching to do!

my father in law is still in hospital, still being treated for the UTI and now becoming immobile due to bed rest. still not a word from adult social care. My partner went to see him today and he kept on about speaking to some young woman who lives on the corner about getting married and combining the two farms. And he has lost his wallet.

And he has lost his wallet. I hate this about hospitals! They tell you not to take valuables or money in, then everything needs paying for and if you want to contact anyone you'll need your phone. Difficult enough if you're young, fit and compos mentis, let alone if you're old, ill or with declining faculties.

My experience of hospitals makes me realise that visitors aren't there for social contact, they're there for servicing the patient - supplying clean clothes, money in dribs and drabs, getting anything they may need (eg tissues) from the shop. I suppose we should be thankful it's not as it is in some countries where the family is expected to bring all meals in for the patient.

MIL had lost her wallet while she was in hospital, it was a huge crisis but of course it had been removed, signed for and locked away securely. As it wasn't in her bag someone had obviously stolen it.

My jobs for this week are pulling out the Christmas decorations for the grannies and filling in the form for attendance allowance. All in all I would rather be messing about with tinsel.

DM had to go for a blood test yesterday morning. I picked her up at 7.30am when it was still dark, and there was a thick fog. It's the first time that I have taken her out when she hasn't asked if I can take her round the shops - she must have thought I'd set up an appointment in the middle of the night.

well we found the missing wallet. At home. In the bathroom. He hadnt even taken it with him, despite his absolute certainty that it was stolen.

Still no call from adult social care, despite being told it was urgent last Thursday.

He hadnt even taken it with him, despite his absolute certainty that it was stolen. Someone having stolen it is a much more comforting explanation than that your brain is disintegrating. My father has elaborate explanations involving Sainsbury's, Giffgaff, and a criminal ring masterminded by the local Councillors to explain why he can no longer send me an email.

These things would be funny if they weren't so bloody tragic.

I wish I'd properly read the instructions on the top of the form for attendance allowance that spell it out really clearly that to complete it, save it and print it as a pdf you need to open it in a pdf reader first. Bit obvious that. It didn't take me so long to complete the second time so there is that. Once the beastly thing is signed (hope she's having a good day tomorrow) and in the post there will be a massive weight lifted from me.

Evening all. Sorry to hear about nettle about your fil. Hope you get somewhere soon.
knot good luck with the forms- make sure you record them at their worst.
not how are you doing? Have carers improved?
minty hope no news is good news..
fly hope your dm is doing ok.
Well, saw some elderly neighbours who were jubilant that they’ve got vaccine dates next week! Must be 80+.
Waiting for dm (95) to get the letter/ call- and praying she doesn’t decline it😮😮😮😮.
dint any news on your dad getting it? Then will you will be able to see him?
Hugs to everyone going through this.

Hi sandwich!

In my case no news is largely down to the fact I've spent a significant chunk of the last week on the phone to bloody Virgin as the landline has gone down for several hours on four more occasions since last Wednesday.

I haven't had a full 'day off' for nearly a fortnight, if not longer (can't remember if there were interruptions then).

Need to decide re sabbatical in the next couple of days. Really want to do it but if dad passes and I lose the carers allowance etc I'll be screwed.

We've got an application in for AA for mum so I'm hopeful that will be approved swiftly and I could then transfer the CA from him to her when the inevitable happens.

She was turned down a few years ago, but she's now an 81 year old blue badge holder, with very little hearing, a heart condition, duel continence issues and osteoarthritis so surely they'll pass her this time?

Been looking at a flat in a retirement village for her. She constantly makes about wanting to move but as soon as we start to get the ball rolling she finds an excuse to pull out. It's been going on for about 20 years...

Once the beastly thing is signed ... and in the post there will be a massive weight lifted from me. Yes! I know that feeling! I was so happy to be persuaded there was little point in appealing refusal of CHC, I just couldn't have faced that!

dint any news on your dad getting it? Then will you will be able to see him? No news yet. Manager's away for a week, so won't hear anything until she returns. I saw him last week - 10 min impromptu window visit, with him leaning against chest of drawers talking to his feet and the traffic behind me I could barely hear him, and he couldn't hear me because he wasn't looking at me, so not very satisfactory!

I don't see visits happening until visitors as well as residents are vaccinated.

Minty If you've filled in the form with a full description of where she needs help, I would think you should get it with that list of problems. But it's difficult to do, as so many things build up and you forget that you're helping her with something, or that she's helping herself - eg unable to reach upper shelves of cupboards, filling kettle slowly with a mug because she can't carry it - you forget what is normal.

Flat in a retirement village probably feels like the beginning of the end. When you're the person, as opposed to concerned relative, it's a hard decision to make.

I've just completed the sabbatical forms to send tomorrow and about to start on Carers Allowance application.

Dad has been really bad today - sod's law says that as soon as I throw the dice he'll pass away and I'll end up screwed financially but there's no way I can go back to work with things as they are, and if I continue to be signed off I'll be on the next stage of Absence Procedure and risk losing my job altogether or at least thoroughly blotting my copybook for future reference.

I'll get full pay at end of December, and something during January. Worst case scenario it won't be until the end of January the shit will hit the fan and I have enough set aside (courtesy of The Olds) to tide me over for another couple of months.

The terms of the sabbatical allow me to work so long as there's no conflict of interest so it's not insurmountable, although it just doesn't feel like I have any other option.

Dint I'm really sorry you haven't been able to see your Dad properly, that must be really tough.

Dint I'm really sorry you haven't been able to see your Dad properly, that must be really tough. I think it's easier for him since he knows what's happening. It's the ones with dementia who can't understand why their loved ones have abandoned them who are finding it really difficult. Dad has a strong will to live, and will do anything to keep himself safe, and me safe too.

My FIL has dementia too, although as he has always been a tricksy bugger its often hard to tell what is dementia and what is him just being cryptic or difficult.
One of our neighbours is a nurse and was on his ward yesterday - said he seems really happy. I expect he has proposed to a couple of nurses in there too, and enjoys having a load of young ladies fussing around him, so its almost like a little holiday for him. He was quite put out when MIL got ill as he didnt really think the 'sickness and health' was supposed to swing in that direction, and she wasnt able to carry out her job of looking after him. Hence the desire for a new wife.
DP said there was a call from the nursing team yesterday, trying to get a handle on his home situation as they are doing physio with him. No doubt talking about sending him home now. Still no word from the social worker and still no further news as to whether he is being considered for a bed placement or not. They are simply just not calling DP back.

Nettle the lack of communication and support is just baffling isn't it?

Aside from the carers twice a day we are getting no input at all.

Could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times dad's seen a doctor since April. District nurses conspicuous by their absence since late May/early June.

Talk of GP getting social services involved which has never transpired and revolving doors with the local hospice who would not get involved, then were on board, then weren't, then were and at last count their was no record of them confirming his being on their books.

Last time we called the end of life team (Echo) out they said we could manage his symptoms by administering oramorph ourselves so that's what we've been doing when necessary.

Carers found him very agalitated yesterday...logged a call with the relevant team. We eventually got a call at teatime last night to say there's basically nothing they can do, give him oramorph, if it doesn't work call Echo for then to do an injection. And there's no chance of respite care as he'd need a covid test and we wouldn't be able to visit him at all anywhere locally.

It's just utter shit.

minty thats awful

Was at mum's overnight...dad went to sleep after having his dinner...woke at 10pm, 12.40, 1.30 and 6.30.

I got up then, made drinks for everyone, picked DD up and took her to school, came back, did dad's breakfast and thrashed out a few logistical things with mum.

Came home at half 1, then did school run. Have had three calls from mum this afternoon evening - last one about 20 minutes ago. Dad's talking complete gibberish several times a day now and has started randomly taking his clothes off...

Supposed to have a day at home tomorrow, the plan is to catch up with housework and paperwork then have a bit of pamper sesh...won't be holding my breath.

On the upside it appears that mum's Attendance Allowance claim has been accepted so I'm thinking will apply for Carers Allowance in respect of her rather than dad. Have submitted my career break application form today and will have confirmation next week.

Last night I dreamt I was on a small plane about to crash into a building. I knew it would blow-up and we'd all die, but after the explosion I came to and was still alive...then I realised I was trapped in he plane underwater as it had bounced off the building into the sea.

I think that probably says it all about my state of mind right now.

How everyone else is having a slightly less crazy time.

Hope

On the upside it appears that mum's Attendance Allowance claim has been accepted Well done! I was worried that you wouldn't get it because the advice is to get help filling it in (I used an ex-SW friend) to use the "right language" and to point out the sort of things they're looking for, so I'm so glad you managed.

Thanks Dint

Mum did most of it and included everything single thing she has any issues with, and then I tweaked a wrote my bit.

She was quite a high flying PA back in the day and curent job aside, I'm a writer who's also worked for SureStart and as legal PA in various former lives so luckily we had a pretty good skill set between us!

I do have a couple of SW friends though so that's useful advice for future reference.

@MintyCedric so glad to hear you have got AA for your mum. That is next on my list to do for DM, does anyone which is the best organisation to get advice from for filling the damn thing in? It is so long!

DM not in a good way at the moment. She started Donopezil for Alzheimer's last Monday and has been feeling unwell since the middle of the week. Not helped by having a UTI and being taken into A&E to be checked over but it is hard to tell which symptoms are the UTI and which are the drug side effects. She is nauseous, has headaches and is not eating. I am having to go over every day ( I live 13 miles away) as she is not good on her own when she is ill. She has totally forgotten she is taking a new drug and if I mention it could be side effects I know she will just stop taking all her medication. She is very suspicious of what the carers give her as it is. I am going to ring her MH nurse tomorrow and see what he says, whether to carry on or stop it. The consultant did say her body will need to get used to it so to try and continue even with side effects.

Finally got the house decorated for Christmas, not that there will be much of one this year. Just me, DH, DS and DM. DS broke up from school on Friday so I will be keeping him in isolated until Christmas. He won't mind as he is building a gaming PC so he can get on with that.

Hope everyone is okay and you are having reasonable weekends.

Your poor DM! Nausea on its own is a horrible thing to have, and headaches on top!

@flygirl767

Sorry to hear you and your mum are having rough time of it. UTIs in elderly people are pretty scary in themselves without everything else going on.

I remember dad being in hospital with one (he was admitted with something else and caught it in there ) and calling me from his mobile at 5.30 one morning to ask when I was picking him up for jury service!

Hope speaking to the MH people is helpful and that it is just side effects and settles down soon. If you have time to squeeze in an al fresco coffee while you're over this way, do give me a shout.

I've been going through a really intense period at work, and DD hasn't been working, so I have taken her up on her offer of stepping up a bit to help with DM. That seems to only really work on her terms though, and so DM was taken to a medical appointment that nobody seemed to know what she was there for despite having been referred by a Dr, who submitted a diagram of the area that needed looking at, and so the new Dr looked at another area instead.

DD has suggested that DM needs to eat healthier, and so she has decided DM will have lentil curls, rather than crisps. I pointed out that at 93, and having hardly any appetite, if she choses to have a crisp sandwich of an evening, that was not something I felt we should take away from her.

But this is me trying to step back.