The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I weighed mum this week, she's lost a stone since the doctor weighed her in 2019. She's stopped eating, everything I suggest is met with mock retching. I am at the end of my tether and have suggested that she pack a hospital bag and forget about Christmas this year. On the positive side (and I'm really struggling to find any positives from the last couple of weeks) I had a chat with her doctor last night and am hoping that she is going to produce a rabbit from a hat.

I have a never ending headache, cry randomly and can't face getting out of bed in the morning. You lot are the only people I can tell about this because I know you've been in the same boat. Thank you for listening.

(((Hugs))) @Knotaknitter

I know the feeling...what I wouldn't give right now for just a week at home without having to visit or make/receive multiple phone calls a day.

I was supposed to be getting the house straight and laundry done before going back later (had to make an unscheduled visit this morning). Had beginnings of a headache, so came back, made a bacon sarnie and a coffee and this is me now...

Really need to motivate myself.

Sending sympathy from here.... so sorry nota for the list, knota we hear you. Who is supporting you? Can you take some time out? 🌺🌺
minty cat therapy!!!! Lovely!! They are beautiful!
Just heard from dm one of her carers is starting work in a Covid deep care home so won’t be able to do the evening visits she has been doing.... feel pressured to offer to help but my dd is coming home for just a few days and I want to be around with her!! Stamps feet!

well today my FIL has been moved to a local rehab community hospital, which we know is a nice one as MIL was in there around 3 years ago. DP waiting for a call as to what to take down to him, as he only has pyjamas at the moment and I think they are quite strict on getting them up and dressed daily. I hope he is able to come home, because it will at least put of any problems with funding and the farm.
In new news our little bit of Sussex has been moved into tier 3, and I have to isolate as been in contact with someone with covid. I cant tell my parents as my dad will likely properly freak out, even though Im not having symptoms, and cancel Christmas on us. My isolation ends on the 22nd so Im still good to go, all being well

Who was it that used to post pics in the Cockroach cafe of their cats? I was always jealous of their lovely house.

nettle sounds good news about fil - bad about isolating. Hope you’re on op of stuff and can pause- and you feel ok. Tier 3 is rubbish- been here for aaaaages........
nota it was jace with the cats I recall?
On another note- a friend told me you can get Nat ins credit towards state pensions if you do caring ? Worth a look minty? Just search Nat insurance credits for carers.

Yes thats correct re; NI credits if you are in receipt of carers allowance.
Its been a while since I was last here!...mum moved into the flat at the end of October and seems happy.
Nearly killed dh and I getting it ready for her...it even needed re plastering. 6 weeks of work.
It looks great though.
There were the usual issues- toilet broke and no heating the day she moved in! But all sorted now.
She has never really enjoyed Xmas and since dad died actively hates it so its a struggle to keep her from a downward spiral MH wise.
She has lost yet more weight but she will not stick to a gf diet so...
Just hoping she stays well this winter.
My brother and sister were conspicuous by their absence during the move a d in the end it was me, dh and ds1 that did it.
Anyway, wishing you all a peaceful Xmas x

Can I ask as it sounds like people on here will know...Will the fact that I have voluntarily 'given up' work mean I can't claim tax credits/universal credit alongside my carers allowance?

I have used the reputable calculators and spoken to the UC helpline and Carers UK prior to making the decision. They were a bit wishy washy but no-one raised it as an issue.

Now mum's bloody fancy man has put the idea in her head that I won't be able to claim it because I've 'given up work voluntarily' which I'm sure can't be right.

Hi minty can’t help on that one- suggest you start a new post on the main board in chat perhaps or money? Lots of experts there- us lot know lots about incontenence pads/ meals on wheels etc but you may get some experts elsewhere?
Good luck- is it now your mums fancy man..... dads companion???

Yes dad's companion...he's not really her fancy man. He's made it clear he can't fraternise with clients and needs the job.

Mum is thinking of curtailing his visits after Xmas...bit concerned as to her motive and where my Wednesdays will go...

Minty - I agree that you need tailored advice from Citizens Advice or wherever, but meanwhile I’ve been ferreting around in t’internet. This factsheet from Carers UK talks about someone resigning from their job and claiming Carer’s Allowance and UC, so that makes it sound as if voluntarily quitting work doesn’t disqualify you (although I notice that the gov.uk pages about UC do say things like “if you lose your job”).

Thanks More I've spoken to Carers UK and UC helpline and used a reputable online calculator. I used to work for Surestart and it's one of the two they and the CAB use.

UC advisor said that if I'd used that one it was more than likely to be accurate, and it was when I split up with XH and used it so I'm fairly confident.

Really just annoyed at him sticking his uninformed beak in and wanted to shut mum up ASAP if I'm honest.

Sure, Minty. I was thinking that perhaps their published information is a better guide than whoever picks up the phone, who may or may not know their stuff (but perhaps I'm doing them a disservice). I guess your mother's bloke may be thinking back to days when (as I remember it hazily) voluntarily resigning from a job did make you ineligible for certain benefits.

Surely taking a sabbatical doesn't count as resigning though, unless you have your P45?

No it's not resigning, but I will be unpaid from Jan - Sept.

Applied for CA today and at the instigation of main carer chased yet again re hospice referral, insisting on speaking to dad's named GP who hasn't seen him since August.

They have apparently referred us twice and the referral has been rejected in both occasions on the grounds there's nothing that they can do that we can't manage at home by pumping him full oramorph or calling out the Echo team to administer intravenous drugs if that feels.

I asked the doctor "So basically you're saying we just have to keep plodding on as best we can until we reach a major crisis," and he said "basically, yes".

So that's that.

@MintyCedric
That sounds all too familiar. I had been caring for my dp when they were dying of cancer. They were having hospice help by a week home visit and I was given a number to call if pain became to much. They slipped into a coma , I telephoned the hospice who came out later in the day . Unfortunately a bed was not available so the hospice telephoned the hospital who refused to admit them because they were dying anyway !
Thankfully a hospice bed became available and they were admitted and died a few days later. Sometimes you have to find your inner bitch for people to hear you and take notice.

Whinge alert..so today despite visiting DM this morning and taking her out for coffee at local garden centre (tier 2), I must have had 20 odd phone calls this afternoon whilst trying to enjoy an outdoor, socially distanced roast with friends. All about the bloody bin, is it blue is it grey, which should go out. It is written in her diary, she asked the neighbour, rang her friend all the same answer. yet still she rings.. I know it is the Alzheimer's but I seriously feel like I can't cope with this amount of calls. I could see my friends' pitying looks every time I answered the phone. No good not answering as she just keeps ringing and leaving more messages! Sigh..the calls have stopped now as she has gone to bed (7pm) but rest assured they will start in the morning..

fly I hear you! I’m so sorry your lunch was spoiled. Any change of routine throws the elderlies so much. And bins......
Whinge away.
Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Thanks @thesandwich the roast was delicious as was the red wine which I probably drunk more of than I should due to the incessant calls!

Hope you and everyone else survived the weekend, sorry to all who are now in tier 4 and have had plans ruined.

Looking back, the first signs of things not being right was a couple of years ago when mum had another recycling bin introduced (total of four). She could not get her head round the change despite having the guidance from the council taped to the kitchen wall and a sign on the lid of each bin. She now has two bins in use, one for garden waste and one for everything else. I have put the other two out of sight with a long piece of wood fastening the lids down.

I get jumpy when we've had a phoning spell. Mum has settled down now but there was a rough couple of weeks where if I didn't pick up she decided I had died and rang again and again (I know that makes no sense). I had eleven missed calls in ten minutes. Yesterday she rang to ask me where her glasses were - I know I'm good but I'm not that good.

@Knotaknitter

Looking back, the first signs of things not being right was a couple of years ago when mum had another recycling bin introduced (total of four). She could not get her head round the change despite having the guidance from the council taped to the kitchen wall and a sign on the lid of each bin. She now has two bins in use, one for garden waste and one for everything else. I have put the other two out of sight with a long piece of wood fastening the lids down.

I get jumpy when we've had a phoning spell. Mum has settled down now but there was a rough couple of weeks where if I didn't pick up she decided I had died and rang again and again (I know that makes no sense). I had eleven missed calls in ten minutes. Yesterday she rang to ask me where her glasses were - I know I'm good but I'm not that good.

Knot your mum sounds very similar to mine! If I don't answer she just rings and rings. Then I have to delete umpteen increasingly panicked messages. I also had a call to ask where her glasses were yesterday. The another call to tell me she had found them.

Nowhere near as bad as you are all describing, but my Dad has fits when he feels it's important to "Be in Communication". So he rings me, but has difficulty working out how to hold the phone to hear me, or how to hold it so I can hear him, so after a couple of minutes of me saying "hello dad- I can't hear you" he puts the phone down, only to try again a few minutes later. Perhaps a dozen calls before we're finally in contact. And then because he's phoned, it's in his mind, and he'll repeat the whole process in the evening, just to tell me he's had his tea. It's dreadful having a sinking feeling when you see your parent's number on the display.

It's reminded me of a call when he was still at home "I'm not receiving Any emails and we are Totally Without Any Means of Communication". He had the grace to laugh when I pointed out we seemed to be communication well enough on the phone.

Sounds familiar. During phone gate the other week I had a message via Facebook.

Please come round. NOTHING is working and you are our only contact with the outside world....

Apart from her mobile phone, FB Messenger, the Internet in general and the carers that were about to arrive...

If I'm not round there, it's 3 or 4 phone calls a day...I'm never not on edge.

we often get phonecalls from FIL where its not clear at all what he has actually rung for. And as he was ambiguous at the best of times its becoming increasingly tricky to understand his cryptic references to things, especially as they only have the most tenuous link to what he is thinking of.

DP has finally spoken to someone at the rehab place. apparently he is not having physio with the every day despite being a rehab place. So they are gearing him up to send him home even though he isnt 100%. The OT is coming to his house tomorrow and will meet DP there (Im now in isolation til Christmas day due to a track and trace contact) to look at what he needs, the main thing being a bed downstairs as they dont think he will make it up and down any more. So then they will order that. So depending on how long that takes, how long until carers are happy to restart their contract, and if they have hospital transport - they will send him back. Who knows when it will be.