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Elderly parents
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The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

991 replies

yolofish · 09/01/2020 11:50

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

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yoloPenguinsEatfish · 01/04/2020 12:51

dint I can feel your outrage from here!!

evenkeel no worries, FIL can do the cleaning, wont be up to MIL standards but they are not exactly living in diff circs. If FIL gets ill though then it will be tricky, but MIL is a tough old bird so she'll manage something somehow and they have built a good network (moved 3 years ago as old house too big/up massively steep hill - thank god they did!)

Evenkeel · 01/04/2020 13:41

That's good to know, yolo - at least they have resources they could potentially call on for help.

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/04/2020 09:54

I've looked into the "frailty" - they look at 36 factors including disease and health conditions, count up ow many you have, divide by 36 and express it as a percentage.

And I do have or have had 6 of their conditions, albeit at a low level. One has now been sorted, and a second is at a level not to cause any concern. But how, in all honesty, at this time, can I get them to change? Yet it's one of the things they take into account in assessing whether you get treated for CV.

AutumnRose1 · 02/04/2020 10:36

Mere do you need them to change it now? I’m sorry if that’s a stupid question.

I’d imagine they’d rather remove people from vulnerable lists but I’m not sure how they’d get the staff at the mo.

Sandwiched18 · 02/04/2020 11:04

MereDint - she's got form for this sort of thing, with presents and money. There are a lot of examples, like the time she said she wanted to take all her GC for lunch offer. She then, after I pointed out her preferred venue was inaccessible to one of the party, demanded I find somewhere else she could get everyone a meal and drink for quite a low sum per head (her and DF do eat out regularly, she does know how much things cost). I ended up saying I didn't have time, because I didn't, so it didn't go ahead.

I've got other, perhaps more deserving people in my life I'd like to keep an eye on but I can't if she's using up all my bandwidth.

Anyway, I've given myself a break from her for a couple of days. I'll get in touch before the weekend. She'll never acknowledge her behaviour is unreasonable but maybe telling her, particularly about the multiple contacts, would make me feel better.

Hope everyone else is ok.

picklemewalnuts · 02/04/2020 15:35

Hello everyone! I've been here before on and off... these are trying times are they not? 🌻for all the extra hassle you are enduring!

Quick question about key gripping aids.... there are lots about for Yale locks, has anyone come across them for traditional old style keys? I've searched under deadlocks (get the locks), key grip (technical film term) etc.

This. 🗝

Not this. 🔑

Thank you!

thesandwich · 02/04/2020 16:49

Is that the previously known as popcorn? Welcome ( if it was or wasn’t...)
Can’t think of any key gizmos.... have had a look but all seem yale ones....
Hope everyone is doing ok.

picklemewalnuts · 02/04/2020 17:49

Hello sandwich, yes it's me!
I've been various pickles since my popcorn start!

I'm ok, there have been some ups and downs. DM is still the same, but of course we no longer need to worry about Dad.
She still needs a careful hand and well checked boundaries- my sister is doing a sterling job as the closest child during lockdown!

How are you?

picklemewalnuts · 02/04/2020 17:51

And wider question- you say you have other people you'd like 'to keep an eye on should she leave you any bandwidth'.

Is anyone keeping an eye on you? I've noticed in this climate that I've checked in on lots of people. I'm not aware of anyone having checked in on me. I've wondering what to conclude?!

Knotaknitter · 02/04/2020 19:14

Mum has one of the key turners meant for Yale keys. The Yale key will go through a slot in it but that's too narrow for the traditional key so she's using it the wrong way around. This particular one is really sticky and grips the head of the key well, it's on week three now.

www.activemobility.co.uk/simple-key-turner-415

I looked at this one but I wasn't sure that it would help in my mother's case

Knotaknitter · 02/04/2020 19:16

Doh, I should have said which one I did buy, not just which I didn't

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07MZYMZHM/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

countrygirl99 · 02/04/2020 19:23

Mum has clearly got dementia now but hasn't had a diagnosis. She has been having heart checks so and I have flagged concerns with her GP so hopefully something will happen. I've had some very strange conversations with her recently for example wishing me happy birthday on my Dad's birthday. I'm checking in with them every day by phone and today Dad answered and told me that my nephew's wife is in hospital with "some sort of chest infection" but that mum had taken the call from DB1 and she was very vague so he didn't know what was happening. Phoned DB in a panic and she isn't in hospital and has a run of the mill chest infection, still not nice but huge relief.

thesandwich · 02/04/2020 20:24

There are now two sandwiches here! Almost a picnic!
pickle I’m fine- dm in better health so itching to go out😥. Dd here from uni, missing her life- but we are so much more fortunate than so many of you.
On the subject of folk not checking in on you - is it because you are seen as strong and resourceful?
Sending 🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫to you all.

picklemewalnuts · 02/04/2020 20:45

Thanks knot! I've sent it to her. See if she can remember how to use amazon after Monday's extensive lesson!

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/04/2020 09:32

Mere do you need them to change it now? I’m sorry if that’s a stupid question. Yes, it's used to inform clinical decisions, I'm not ready to die from CV just yet. But asking them to change it means I'm asking them to let someone else die instead of me. I'm not comfortable with that either.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/04/2020 09:34

www.livingmadeeasy.org.uk/kitchen%20and%20household/key-turners-and-key-accessories-p/single-key-turner-0102002-2189-information.htm

This says it's suitable for mortice (which was the term you were looking for) lock keys as well as Yale. Doesn't give many clues as to where it's available, but might give a starting point for your search.

AutumnRose1 · 03/04/2020 11:49

Mere sorry, I realised afterwards that was the case.

I was having a moment of complete stupidity there, sorry about that.

I would change it but also have something about your person that states it’s incorrect.

My transplant friend still doesn’t have a letter. You know how the average nhs worker has to log in to 15 systems each day etc, I think that bit has come into play big time.

AutumnRose1 · 03/04/2020 11:54

I had a surreal conversation with one of mum’s friends, asking “why aren’t you shopping for your mother?”

This lady doesn’t have children and has it in her head that children do everything for you. She is also, apparently, angry because she thinks the the government haven’t imposed strict enough lockdown.

I politely reminded the lady that I don’t drive and that shopping for mum would involve a 2 hour journey on public transport.

She said “I know you don’t drive, but you should still be doing your mum’s shopping. The police won’t stop you doing that”.

Not sure what to say, really.

picklemewalnuts · 03/04/2020 13:35

Just smile, sigh and repeat... 'it would be terribly irresponsible of me to go out for hours, using public transport, to get mum's shopping.'

Thank you dint, that's reassuring, hopefully we'll get that sorted soon.

DM is having to relearn how to make money transfers. DSis is doing the shopping, sometimes paying for it and keeping tabs, other times collecting DM's card and taking that (a bit of a long way round).

DM has form for not paying her way in situations where she really should.

AutumnRose1 · 03/04/2020 13:45

Pickle, I just said I was more concerned about being arrested. I also pointed out that in my circle, most people aren’t seeing their folks. Then I got her off the phone as fast as possible.

Rinsefirst · 03/04/2020 20:07

Covid 19 confirmed in DM carehome Monday. Sadly, a resident died Wednesday. Really sorry for family who must be devastated. The staff will be really upset. Now get worried every time phone rings.

picklemewalnuts · 03/04/2020 20:42

Oh rinse! That's everyone's nightmare. Poor staff, poor residents and poor families.

thesandwich · 03/04/2020 21:39

rinse I am sorry. You must be so worried.
Hope everyone else is keeping on keeping on.....

Rinsefirst · 06/04/2020 16:25

Thanks pickle and sandwich. Today we emailed letters to be kept in her file with a request that they are read to her should things deteriorate. Ten minutes later the staff FaceTimed us and DM is in great form, pointing at us and waving. In the circumstances we are very lucky.