The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

FIL and my dad both found it very east to get Attendance Allowance and FIL got it before his Parkinsons because of atrial fibrillation. They had someone from Age Concern as it was to advise them how to fill in the forms.

Countrygirl if you don't mind me asking, what was the effect of the AF and what were the needs?

mum has been against it from the start because in her words "a bad day just means sitting on the sofa and feeling tired and dizzy". She won't go out like that, but she can still cook a meal, do the stairs, no problem showering or dressing.

Age Uk told me if they struggle to get out, DWP will come and assess them at home for it and do the forms etc. I was unsure about this having claimed PIP in the past, but they said the feedback had been good. AA has a 70% success rate compared to PIP which about 40% at first claim.

So yes we are thinking of claiming for that. Worst that happens they are turned down and can re-apply at a later date.

With my dad he fell and cut his leg and with the blood thinner that wasn't good, needed hospital. So we are also saying about risk - dizziness, falls, etc and needing prompting. That CAB guide was good for saying what they need. I'm unsure if my dad takes his tablets properly which probably doesn't help.

I hadn't thought at all about any sort of allowance. Mum has diabetes and peripheral artery disease (PAD) which was the reason she had to have this recent operation, to create some sort of bypass. I'm not sure if either of those would qualify her for the allowance. She can manage personal care, but at the moment she can't do cleaning, get out or do shopping. I'll take a look at the CAB link, thanks for posting.

With regard to POA, I don't have that either at the moment. She's quite happily given me her debit card to fetch any shopping she wants. Do you think this is ok or should I look at getting POA? Mum doesn't do any online banking (can't use a computer) and if anything needs paying that isn't on DD then we do it over the phone, though I guess we could run into issues with that if she was hospitalised again.

I guess as with PIP it is to so much what they can do, but doing it reliably etc, or needing prompting. Maybe best get an advice place to do the forms.

Also I guess you could set up online banking with her and use that, without a P o A?

Top it might be a good idea for her to add you as a signatory to her account, or better still convert her sole account to a joint account with you. This would give you all the powers you need to set up DDs, make payments etc. She would obviously need full mental capacity for the bank to allow the latter.

With Attendance allowance get some help completing the forms- age uk or carers uk. They are brilliant at knowing exactly what language to use and covered things we hadn’t considered re the impact of health conditions.
Also thanks to advice on here we applied with a paper form- dated so dms claim was backdated. Worth £300 ish.

Top I have third party access to mum's account. They gave me a card and a cheque book. She doesn't bank online either, but I think it's important that if she's in hospital or something, I'm using my own card for her account rather than risk being accused of anything IYSWIM.

you might prefer to do it as a joint account but I think third party access is quicker and easier. Only catch might be that they use the main account holder's address to send you the card and cheque book. It wasn't made clear to us and I live 90 mins - 2 hours away!

Autumnrose no worse than your mother! And for the last 3 years he has been main carer for severely disabled MIL! Before she had her stroke he used to save it up to pay for holidays. When she had her stroke he used part to pay for a cleaner as that's womens work so he shouldn't be expected to do it. I have my own views on the ethics of his claim mind.

country okay thanks

I really can’t see how he got a claim through. Was it a while ago? The needs are very specific now.

the Guardia article says it is for paying for anything they want not just care. (AA)

I can’t see the Guardian article and I’m not creating a log in for that misogynistic rag. (Bit ragey today, sorry).

Turn2us, CAB and Gov.uk all say “if you are over 65 and have a disability, or illness with significant care needs”.

Yes but they don't say they have to use it in any specific way. It is also not about the care they get- they don't have to be getting the care to claim it.

Autumnrose it must have been about 7 or 8 years ago as MIL has her stroke 5 years ago and it was 2 or 3 years before that. He is very accomplished at playing the system and very manipulative with pulling the "poor me, I'm just a confused old man" when it suits him.

country ah, I see.

I was just raising it as I’m so surprised by the number of posters saying everyone can get it. Mum would be telling lies to get it and obvious she’s not going to do that! I only know it exists because of this board.

One of mum’s friends said to me”trust me, I’ll collect every penny I can from the state but even I wouldn’t apply for that”. 😂

I might have misunderstood but it's often presented as "any elderly person with health issues can get it" I think they advertise it that way to stress it's not means tested - ie "everyone who needs it can get it" rather than "if you need it and don't have more than state pension to live on and no savings, you can get it".

I got it for my dad about 6 months ago. He has AF, but it doesn't cause any obvious ill effects, no dizziness or anything like that. He got it largely on general frailty (although of course we did list his medical problems and his medication). It seemed to be "if he was left to himself would he be able to stay in good health?" So we stressed things like not able to reliably take medications (resulting in oedema and falls, backed up by dates of hospital admissions), needing to be reminded to move around (and be turned at night) else skin breakdown and ulcers (backed up by history of district nurse visits), not able to reach to clean properly after the toilet, or to wash his hair, needing to be reminded to drink, to be encouraged to eat. And being in a nursing home helped (although if the Council is paying for any home, you can't get AA) - it demonstrated that he needed a high level of care. I didn't get Age Concern help, but one of my friends used to work with the elderly assessing their needs, so she knew the language ("fiercely independent" = aggressive with it, use "resolutely independent" if you mean "bloody stubborn" ) and what they were looking for.

I can’t see the Guardian article and I’m not creating a log in for that misogynistic rag. Why do you think the Guardian is misogynistic?

The Guardian article doesn't seem to need a log in. But if it does ask you to log in, all you need to do is click the little cross in the top R of the panel to make it go away. Key bit of the article is"

You may qualify for AA if you are over 65 and have a physical disability (including sensory disability, such as blindness), a mental disability (including learning difficulties), or both and your disability is severe enough for you to need any of the following:

• Help with things such as washing (and getting in or out of the bath or shower), dressing, eating, getting to and using the toilet or communicating your needs;

• Supervision to avoid putting yourself or others in substantial danger, for example needing someone to keep an eye on your medical condition or diet.

Mere I meant posters on this board were presenting it that way and it's been suggested to me many times for mum, which puzzles me.

I won't go into the Guardian & politics on this board because that's not fair but if you pop over to Feminist Chat, you'll find lots of info. I appreciate the Guardian is not a hive mind of course.

DM used her attendance allowance to pay for a cleaner, gardener etc. I think if you are entitled to claim it you should do so, as it seems to make things easier for future involvement with eg SS elderly care.

DB did her forms (mental health nurse so well used to the system). The key thing is not what the person can do on a good day, but what they cant on a less good/bad day, and what level of assistance they need to achieve eg washing, dressing, cooking, getting out of the house.

So paint the worst picture basically.

I’m back with Dcats

DM worried me somewhat this week her Alzheimer’s getting worse and she forgot where she lived and told the taxi driver to take her to her old home of her childhood (last lived there in 1960)
Thankfully driver knew her and where she lived so took her home and then let me know!
I also rang her on Thursday to make arrangements for next Wednesday and she thought it was still Monday so then thought I was seeing her 2 days after so expected me on Saturday!
On Friday she rang me 7 times in an hour but no idea why she rang me but had been trying to find my phone number!!!
I’m away next week for 4 days so anything could happen

Yay for cats! I love the way they just sit there, looking all “whatevvaaaa”.

Jace presume she has an emergency contact while you’re away?