The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Checking in!

Hi I'll join you. Have two elderly parents living seperately neither keen to engage with support. Both quite eccentric. Dad always been much so and struggling to see if he know has dementia or not.

Yesterday had strange conversation with him about his feet, he was tackling them with a pebble (turned out to be a pumice stone so not so strange as it first sounded).

I just arranged a alarm with the council for him but he needs to call them and get it done. It is stuff like that. They want him to ring and give permission.

I'll pop in occasionally. My widowed DM is fresh out of hospital after a 10 day stay and I'm trying my best to be supportive as well as hold down a FT job and look after my own house and family. She will hopefully not need quite as much support once she's fully mobile again but that could be a good few weeks yet. Currently doing her shopping, some cleaning, sorting her evening meal and a few other tasks.

I'm smiling to myself at the thread title. Whilst she was in hospital (big London hospital) I was sitting in the relatives room on the ward, waiting for her to come up from surgery, and I looked down to see a cockroach scuttling across the floor. Was pretty disgusted. It was the only one I ever saw over the 10 days there, but I'm not naive enough to think it was a lone intruder.

I've been a lurker but my DM died on Sunday after four years in dementia care and a very difficult three years before that living with us. What I would like to say to anyone not as far down the road as me is that I came to love my mother in a way I never thought possible. I can look back and say honestly that I'm glad I had these (unexpected) caring years as we made our peace and formed a bond we never had never had before.

Hello all! my that’s interesting.... which years do you mean? The ones living with you or later?
Managed to get dm out today in wheelchair taxi- so much easier when she is able to get out. And more pleasant for me!

Not the years living with me I'm afraid, I wish I could say different but they were hard for all concerned. Don't really want to go into how she and my DF came to be living with us but it wasn't planned for.

The turning point was her going into care, which happened almost by accident. DH and I were going on a much needed holiday and all of our back up plans for her care fell apart so I went in desperation to my GP. She recommended the place where my DM ended up, and where she was very happy and settled, and therefore so was I.

Sorry for your loss My

Hello all

Top how often are you going? Are you nearby?

my many apologies- I meant to say so sorry for your loss.🌺
I can recognise what you say- my dh’s relationship with his df was transformed when he eventually went into a home after some very tough years
top that sounds tough- have you got other care in place? Did the hospital provide discharge care?

I think so many of us feel terrible guilt putting our parent/s into care and feel we should be able to cope. In my case, handing over the responsibility to people who knew what they were doing meant I could concentrate on being a better and more loving daughter. I also came to appreciate the many lovely aspects of her personality which had been masked by our being in constant conflict over the day to day stuff.

It looks like most of the regulars have found us, but I've put a link on the old thread to redirect any stragglers.

My I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm lucky that I live very local to my DM (less than 5mins by car) so can visit her often. The hospital did provide discharge care and she has a lady who goes in twice a day. Tbh I don't think she'll keep the arrangement for long as DM is finding it fairly easy to do things such as getting washed and dressed, straightening her bed and making simple things to eat. She just wants to sleep a lot at the moment (still getting over the lack of sleep in hospital) but the carer arrives early in the morning and due to lack of time it's 'get up, let's get you in the bathroom, ok time to eat...' and she doesn't want to be rushed to do anything. The carer has been turning up before 11am some days for the lunchtime visit to make lunch and DM isn't ready or willing to eat at that time! I go round of an evening to make sure she's got a hot evening meal and do a few small chores or take her in bits of shopping. She's happily handed over her bank card and PIN so that I can get her shopping without any financial burden on me. I'm really pleased she's getting back to her old self slowly, but these past few weeks have really brought it home to me how difficult it would be if she became terminally ill or had more intense care requirements. Certainly food for thought how I'd manage it.

Top that sounds positive.

In terms of the future, can your mum afford to pay for care? I’m guessing the current carer isn’t a private one?

No the carer isn't private, they're supplied by the local council.

Mum could afford to pay for private care should the need ever arise though, so it's something that would have to be considered as and when.

My, it's interesting to hear that the GP made the care home recommendation. I never would have thought of asking the GP for a recommendation, so that's a good tip if ever I need it.

Top the only way we got my mum to accept going into a care home was when the GP suggested it! (didnt last, as she managed to throw herself across the room and break yet another bone, but that wasnt the care home's fault)

oops, and we had to say that it would only be temporary until she got back on her feet. Which she didnt...

Top ah, that’s good. I made a few calls to local agencies for dad at one point and discovered that quite a few wouldn’t help the patient with stairs, which I completely understand, but it was helpful to know. So if you are that sort of person, maybe make some enquiries generally.

But hopefully your mum will go on improving

Top does your DM have Attendance Allowance? If not, I would highly recommend applying for it (it's not means tested). I use it to pay for outsourcing the things that I can - gardener, etc.

Also, look at getting Power of Attorney in place. I have financial POA for DM which means I can do her banking online for her, and have a card linked to her account which I use for any shopping etc that she needs - meaning I'm not out of pocket.

I've been confused by comments on Attendance Allowance before

I might have misunderstood but it's often presented as "any elderly person with health issues can get it" but that doesn't seem to be the case at all. Mum's GP said he couldn't think why she'd be eligible and none of her friends in the same age group seem to get it in spite of problems like spinal stenosis, chronic pain.

I think Autumn it's about how well the person filling out the form does it. You basically have to think of them on their worst day in terms of mobility, additional help required for day to day stuff like shopping, cooking, etc.

It is not a well promoted benefit, which means a lot of people who are eligible aren't getting it.

I also think that there is a stigma amongst some people around applying for benefits, as they don't want to appear needy etc. My feeling is I pay a shed load of taxes in order to help fund the welfare state, and that those people who need benefits should be given them.

nota every official source says they have to have a disability though.

my mum has atrial fibrilliation. It's the kind of condition that can mean very bad days, but she feels strongly that it's taking the piss a bit if you, can for example, watering the garden with a hosepipe one day but the next day you have dizzy spells and erratic heartbeat.

We weren't particularly fussed but while we were at a GP appointment I thought I'd ask and the first thing they said was "but she doesn't have a disability".

she does have a cleaner but tbh the cleaner makes the place spotless. If the cleaner isn't well or something, you can't see the difference unless you look hard.

it was hearing about it on here that made me think it was something mum could get, but it seems you only get it if you have quite full on needs. Ironically I now realise I might have been able to claim for some help when I had a spinal injury but maybe not, I don't know.

Hello all, new here. Mum is in early 70s and diagnosed last year with a neurological condition which is progressing fast and affecting mobility, thinking, swallow et al. I've got kids and a job and am generally spannered from all the running around. We have private care in and are under the hospice. Have read lots of useful stuff on this board so I'm delurking in search of sanity!

there's a link on CAB site for attendance allowance and what they need to get it. My dad also has AF and I agree can make him dizzy and have funny spells. We are considering applying. and a diary template www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/attendance-allowance/claiming-attendance-allowance/help-with-attendance-allowance-form/

Also more info here www.theguardian.com/money/2011/sep/30/attendance-allowance-elderly-miss-out

rodentgirl hello and welcome and have a
it's such hard work isn't it? Hope you can get some help or just understanding from this board.

Orange it's a funny illness isn't it.
Re Attendance Allowance.
I've also seen things that say it's not about paying for any help other than personal care so things like dressing. Cleaners etc wouldn't count if that's the case.

I just thought I'd point it out because it gets mentioned a lot on these threads as if everyone over a certain age can get it.