The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Rinse, that’s good.

Hope everyone’s okay and that elderly parents are okay too.

The cafe's very quiet at the moment! Unlike the gardening board which is deluged with new gardeners and getting 50+ posts a day.

Phone call from Dad at 11pm last night - at the moment his attempts to take control of his life are focussed on getting a piece of cardboard of exactly the right size to cover his table to absorb spills and allow him to write without getting the paper wet. I shall have to break it to him gently that we're unlikely to be able to get a piece of cardboard in to him. It's maddedning when he gets obseessed with small details that must be just right (he asked me to take a photo of the layout of his things on his table so he could show the carers how things should be) but makes sense once you realise how little control he now has over his life.

Good side is that he's still well, sounds cheerful, and is more coherent.

Mere, that sounds difficult. I totally see what you mean about control though.

Re gardening, I wish I had a garden normally, but never more so than now.

Evening all. Calm here, hope you are all ok.
mere it must be hard for your dad and frustrating when he knows exactly what he wants. I have to bite my lip with dm who has strong views on the garden she is unable to access.
They do have so little control in their lives.
I am so glad we have a decent sized garden. It is keeping us all sane.

Sorry rose not tactful- how are you coping in lockdown. Is there somewhere you can walk?

Hi Sandwich
Don’t worry, I totally get that these things slip out.

I have to stay very quiet at the moment. As an introvert, I’m having fewer issues with this than most and I can’t say that. And I have no responsibility- no mum, no work. Amazing. The days fly by.

Anyhoo....no, I live in a rough area and yes there’s a park about 20 mins walk away, but to get to a nice green space that’s not full of dodgy people, I have to take a bus,which is not allowed.

This has made me think again, I’ve got to try and move to mum’s area, because it’s much nicer. I have said here that I can’t afford it and it would make my commute longer. But if prices drop a bit....I might end up with an even smaller flat (!) but could do things like store winter coats, books, even spare food, at her place. I wouldn’t have friends round in a smaller place, so could keep things like wine glasses etc at hers.

It’s quite weird, on a sunny day, to be thinking, shall I bother to leave the flat because it’s horrible walking round here anyway. That said, some days it’s been as quiet as when I moved in 20 years ago...but like many parts of outer London, it used to be nice, but now has a grimness that it’s unlikely to lose, sadly.

Sorry, that was long!

One thing I've really learnt from this board is how lucky I am. First, it was that, however difficult it was to cope with Dad, other people were having it much worse. Now, how lucky we are in lockdown. Even though DH has one of the NHS "house arrest" letters, we're both people with good capacity to amuse ourselves, a house big enough that we can avoid each other for a lot of the day, and a decent sized garden.

As to the future, I'm just refusing to look at it.

yes, I guess I’m technically lucky with my parents, parent I should say

It’s hard to feel it though.

I’ve finally had sight of one of those “shielding” letters. It’s guidance. You can still go out for a walk for exercise.

Just a little handhold across the ether for those who need it

PIL appear to be managing quite well, they are self-shielding and their cleaner has metamorphosised into shopper and gardener. Which is good as they live 60 miles away from us in one direction and SIL 60 miles in the other direction.

dint I agree about learning how lucky we are (some of us are).

yolo hand hold for everyone who isn’t family or friends with Boris. Your generosity knows no bounds.

er, what do you mean autumn? sorry if not getting it?

yolo you just play dumb, dear. We live in complicated times.

autumn I am really sorry but I don't know what you mean - but you don't sound friendly?

Ah got it! You mean I didn't feel that St Boris of Johnson deserved better treatment than any other person when he contracted Covid19?

Well, no, I didnt and I still dont.

I can quite understand that as PM (and of course other senior members of govt afflicted) get tested etc - meanwhile frontline health and careworkers cant get tested, dont have access to adequate PPE. Elderly people in care homes are effectively being written off it seems, with GPs telling the homes that they should ask residents to 'consider' where they would like to die, and indeed even saying the same to those who care for elderly at home.

Like I said, I have never been so relieve that DM died when she did because the thought of her trying to cope with all this is unbearable. As are the descriptions of death from pneumonia, from which she did actually die.

These are indeed complicated times dear.

Yolo, they are complicated and yes, my anger is probably stronger because of my jealousy.

I have long been jealous of you and sometimes baffled that you hang out here to listen to our sorry tales.

Ooh, this is cathartic 😂

Might be time for a gin though.

Why on EARTH are you jealous of me?? That just doesnt make sense (to me at least ).

I looked after mum for 10 years, going from dropping in daily for company to providing pretty much full on care, being on tenterhooks everytime the phone went because it either meant she'd fallen over again or had some other (minor) crisis to watching her have a really horrible 5 months before she died. During which time DH was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, DD1 had major uni traumas, the dog died, DD2's school friend hung herself at uni and was found by another school friend, both the DDs and I are currently unemployed... plus of course all the wranglings and shenanigans with social services, NHS, blah blah.

It's not been a lot of fun, really.

Why do I hang out here? Because I like the people, it was a lifeline for me when DM got so bad, and I thought maybe I could help support others. But I can fuck off if you like?

Are you ok rose?
yolo I really appreciate your support and input onto these threads.
And your humour!
What is great about these threads are the perspectives of those in the thick of it, those who have come out the other side with useful wisdom, and anyone who can add.
Plus cat pictures and anything else!

@yoloPenguinsEatfish
Fwiw I'm a lurker, used to post a little a long time ago. The reason I still lurk on this thread is partly to see your inputs. My parents have passed away, but it has taken a long time to process, so I fully understand you being here, even giving sound advice.
Best wishes.

sandwich and lady thank you for your kind words.

lady I agree the processing takes a long time, and perhaps longer than we think. I've never really grieved for my mum, basically because her last 5 months were so awful, and she wanted to die a good while before that. I'm not sure I will ever grieve for her in the 'normal' sense, partly because so much else happened in the same time frame that I just had to put a lot of stuff into mental boxes. I miss the 'old' her, not the one she became if that makes sense?

And here is Willis cat, taking self isolation very seriously in the sunshine!

Bollocks, wrong picture! in the kitchen, on the worktop, clearly not abiding by sanitation rules!!

yolo if there is a 'normal' way to grieve, I haven't got to that either. The last year especially was so traumatic that when my parent died, it was a relief, then guilt came and it has been switching between those since. I'm still finding it difficult to remember the normal times. But it gets easier to acknowledge that this is how it is, for me atleast. Hope you are getting there too.

Lovely cat pic., kitchen table and all, he looks a little like one of mine .

And forgot to say, with all the things you listed after your dm's death, no wonder you have not had the time to grieve. I'm so sorry.

I haven't posted here recently as things have been so bad with DS that stuff with DM pales by comparison. But I tend to read it every day, as I consider many of you here if not friends, then comforting characters in a good book that I can relate to.

Not quite sure what went wrong here last night, but perhaps lockdown fever?

Yolo your situation with your DM reminds me of that of a very good friend of mine IRF, who went through very similar with her DM, and has yet to grieve properly. There is no one way of doing things, we all just do what we have to do in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Is Willis partial to a glass of plonk?

Morning all. Lovely to see younota and sorry to hear you are still having such a s£&* time with ds. Rant here if it helps.
You expressed exactly what I feel about folk on here- sort of friends/ familiar characters in a book.
My rubbish memory doesn’t recall all the details, but seeing familiar names and hearing updates does give a sense however misguided of community.
And the support here is fantastic.