The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

That's a tough one Yoikes. Depending on how much capacity she has, could you draw up a pros and cons list to go through with her to see if you can tease out the issues?

Mum wanted to move "somewhere smaller" but take all her furniture with her and have the separate dining room, pantry, study and spare bedroom that she has now.

I'd do a pros and cons, each of the alternatives and where she is now. Access to transport, ease of maintenance, impact on finances, local facilities. If nothing else it will flush out what she's thinking.

Yoikes it’s so difficult to convey immediacy and ticking clock when they absolutely don’t want to consider the alternatives. I showed my parents a 2 bed home in a complex like you described with view over busy roundabout. Absolutely rejected. Fast forward 3 years and a huge amount of incidents later...A week before my dad died and in one of our last conversations when when we were discussing his absolute need to relocate he said he would go ‘to somewhere like the roundabout flat’. I guess I am saying that it takes a very long time and some bravery on their part for acceptance that they just can’t manage

Thank you all...really good advice x

I'm feeling really tired. I know that the furniture will be a "thing" as she and dad had their furniture made not long before he died. It’s a small terraced house so they had pieces made by a local chap.

She has too much bedroom furniture too as she does have a large bedroom.

She would be able to keep her brand new oven though!

Immediacy...yes! That's it exactly. But then I worry I'm rushing her...

The rent is £390 per month and its a warden controlled complex. I think all heat and electric is included (?)

It's the communal garden that'll be a big issue. But she's forking out for a gardener atm and window cleaner atm which she won't need...

Oh @yoikes I can understand why you feel tired.( I haven’t posted on here for a while as things have been relatively calm - not for much longer I suspect!)

My DM resisted any adaptation to her home that might have helped her, and is now in a care home. Her younger brother (nearly 80!) has taken her as a learning experience and is now very happy in a flat very similar to the one you describe.

But I’m not sure parents are persuadable- unfortunately they need to figure these things out for themselves and we just have to hope they don’t do this too late. (Sounds like teenagers?!)

Thank you...I know you all understand xx

I think I'm just so low on energy after Covid-19, lockdown, supporting dh and the dc, running the voluntary groups I do...I don't have anything left :(

Sorry. I'm very moany today!

@yoikes it is so difficult trying to move elderly people in the middle of a pandemic!

We moved my mother into a retirement flat about 31/2 years ago. Quite how we would have coped with her living alone in a big house and miles away this past 6 months, I don't know.

The real game changer (which might persuade your mother), is that she has had company since lockdown. The place has a warden who is/was strict about guests and carers etc., but they have been in a big "bubble" with each other.

Sadly we can see that dementia is taking hold, so we are making tentative enquiries about homes. The trouble is that all are insisting on a fortnight's isolation on arrival (which is fair enough, but the loneliness would do her no good whatsoever).

My mum really enjoyed being a short walk to the shops, cafes and clubs. It involved us accompanying her to some activities (but it encouraged her to go out to meet people).

Getting rid of lots of furniture and memories was hard hard hard.

yoikes I feel for you.... v tough. Could you act as guarantor to help with rental issue? Could you see the move to rental as a halfway house excuse the pun until she accepts the idea of sheltered?

I've said I'd happily do that (guarantor) but no landlord seems keen which I find odd...100% credit rating, dh can be found on companies House website...
Sigh.
I've got her to agree to view it. I think she just needs to use her imagination to see what it could be like. She can well afford new carpets, decoration, dh has suggested a decent bed sofa so she can have overnight guests whoch I thought was a good idea 💡
I think it could be quite cosy

Does the complex you are looking at advertise on places like Rightmove? Was it built by somebody like McCarthy?

Before DM moved we found some pictures of show flats/nice properties where it wasn't an executor's sale to help inspire. We also talked about new rugs and curtains etc.

Good luck OP

No, sadly.
It's run by the LA.
No pics online that I can find but mum does know the building as its not far from where she lives now.
I think they could be quite stark/basic without nice furnishings and decoration but you can say that about anywhere.

It is on rightmove but pretty basic info

I've managed to navigate a way to get DM a dermatology appointment as it looks to me like she has skin cancer (she's had it a couple of times before in nearby spots). This will also entail getting her to a blood test separately. Hurrah. When I told her this evening she said she also wants me to arrange to have her ears syringed. What else is my annual leave for after all other than ferrying her to her various appointments.

Sorry to butt in mid-conversation, but this thread can take only 9 more messages. So when it's convenient, move over to the new thread here

Thanks dint well spotted!