The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

haven’t learned to self soothe yet How do you self-soothe?

It wouldn't be so bad if DM only used one method of communication - like sent photos of DF on whatsapp - but she doesn't appear to rest until she's used all of them! I wonder if that's how my adult DC feel about me? It's really difficult getting to this age where the best thing you can do for the 2nd and 3rd most important people in your life, is to remember that you're now a burden and you need to limit your contact.

Hmm ... realise my posts this morning make me sound quite depressed. Need to give myself a good kicking and get on with life.

I hope you won't mind me joining in - I've been on these boards before under another name but mostly lurk. to everyone coping with this huge escalation in what was already an incredibly stressful and difficult situation.

I'm interested in the 'special letter' thing too. DF hasn't had one. He's 96, lives alone, has heart failure and COPD. COPD is on the list of conditions but 'serious' is specified....no exact explanation of that - but I suppose needing oxygen, which he doesn't? But he'd be done for if he got CV, as even the tiniest chest infection is a major worry. We've joked (by phone - to add to the joy, I live 200 miles away) that even in normal times he self-isolates anyway, because he has very poor mobility and can't leave the house under his own steam.

I've registered him on the gov.uk site anyway because it's also the only way you can get online supermarket deliveries now - but Sainsbury's say his name isn't recognised. I'm starting to fear he's going to be seen as very much expendable

Welcome even . Dm, 94, hasn’t had a vulnerable letter either....
Hope you get delivery sorted.
jace what you are doing sounds really worthwhile.
dint sorry to hear you are a bit down. The change in weather and week 2 in the big c house feels like reality is hitting.....🌺🌺

Mum (87) has COPD and takes triosomething that was on Asthma Uk's list for automatic letter generation but has not had a letter. I live sort of locally and can do her shopping providing I'm well, the same goes for my MIL (mid 80's poorly controlled diabetes and a host of other health stuff). They both live alone with no SS involvement. If there's no letter by tomorrow I will be ringing the doctors because I'm having nightmares about what will happen if I can't get out. When all this started off I assumed it would be as simple as organising an online shopping delivery. Silly me.

I went to do some shopping for DM yesterday morning. Managed to mess up due to a combination of new opening times and the clocks changing, so as I got to the door the and saw people being turned away I realised I was there during the vulnerable/elderly slot.

The fuckers waved me in! I'm 56!!

not if it makes you feel better, I heard that supermarkets aren’t actually policing that hour and everyone goes, so please don’t think they thought you were 70!

Mere whatever method of self soothing you choose. I just think it’s particularly hard on people who get targeted by one or more people as their designated “dump on when anxious” person, which seems to be happening to Sandwich18.

I’m pleased to say my worriers seemed to have calmed down today. I suppose they will be up and down so I’ll gird myself for tomorrow!

nota use it to your advantage babe!!¬

In fact, I am using lockdown to stop dyeing my hair. I reckon this is a positve move for the environment? (somehow?)

yolo I have a few prominent greys (dark hair). People are often amazed that I don’t plan to dye it, but after this I’m hoping it will be a less controversial choice!

I think people forget women in their 40s even have grey hair because so many dye it.

sandwich I don't actually feel depressed, it's just that I recognise it creeping up on me by changes of behaviour (eg realising I'm finding oh-so-rational reasons to duck out of social events), so need to head it off before it arrives.

I think there may be a bit of hit-and-miss over the special letter. DH has had one. It's mystery to us, we just wonder whether it's the combination of things that are mild individually, but we'll stay on the safe side. Googling the various fitness-for-treatment assessments, I see that "over 80" is one of the indicators of "not fit" (I think you had to score fewer than 3 to be regarded as fit). Has anyone over 80 had a letter?

autumn I don't think I know any ways to self-soothe! People think I'm so calm, and come to me to calm them down, but I have no idea how to calm myself down.

yolo I was toying with the idea of using lockdown to use up a 5 year old box of dye I found in a store cupboard. It's non-permanent so plenty of time for the effects to wear off before I see anyone other than DH. A better idea would be to bin it. But I'm too stingy for that.

Mum’s over 80 with heart condition and hasn’t had one, yet. We weren’t expecting one though. The list is very specific.

Here’s a lovely video, if you have actual cats at home, it might not cheer you, but for those of us who don’t....

Interesting dint I understand the cant be bothered ness too, and realise that the world shrinks.
I’ve been embracing grey since my late thirties! Gone silver( I kid myself) so makes life easier....
Just did a marks shop- v civilised. Even giving away free daffs! Evidently can’t sell them. Most stock- quite low on meals for one for dm but got some.
Dm hasn’t had the letter at 94.....

DH hasnt had the letter despite being post-chemo.

Not sure I am going to go silver gracefully, it's quite blondish round the front (due to dye) but sort iron grey at the back. Still, who gives a fuck these days?!

PIL self-isolating quite successfully, their cleaner now shops for them and gardens instead of cleaning. Is it really really bad of me to hope that FIL 90th birthday party in early July might be cancelled? I mean, I think it's likely, but it would be very hard work.

yolo a post transplant friend hasn’t had one either. The group must be really specific.

He was wondering if the take into account whether or not the person normally lives a busy life etc, can they work, socialise under normal circumstances.

A 35 year old friend with heart failure and various immune conditions has had one but she never lives a free life.

Are your in-laws doing their own cleaning?

dont care autumn! I assume so... but they seem to be in reasonable spirits, spoke to MIL yest.

Things like cleaning are what worry me about DF. He simply can't do it - he's not very mobile. He wouldn't be able to push the hoover around. He can't change his sheets and duvet cover. He can't reach up to a shelf above shoulder height or open a jar because he doesn't have enough strength in his hands.

I've looked at the links on the Asthma UK site (thank you for the tip about that, knotaknitter ) and while he is on one of the medications listed, the dose he takes for his COPD isn't quite high enough. So I guess that's it - he won't be on the list

evenkeel you've made me feel sorry about not seeming to not care if my PIL cant clean, MIL is quite immobile. FIL is useless in many respects, so I feel guilty now! (not your fault obvs). But really, what can we actually do if we are self-isolating/respecting distance etc? PIL are 60 miles from us and 60 miles from SIL. And they have enough money, guess they will just have to do without clean sheets for a while if that's what it comes to.

yolo just curious - don’t feel guilty

I’m just asking, as your MIL is immobile, does she have a carer?

One of mum’s friends returned from holiday recently and her mobility has gone through the floor. The doctors can’t find anything but I was guessing spinal stenosis. She absolutely won’t let a cleaner in in the current circumstances so told us she’s doing everything very very slowly.

Mum was telling me she thinks her friend needs a carer. But I suppose if you prefer inching your way to do your own stuff, that’s fair enough.

No, she doesnt. She's not completely immobile, she's on crutches etc. She hates it, but she's tough so is not yet at the stage where she actually has to completely give in - she's 82 this year. Basically her knees are fucked - I believe that's a technical medical term?!

yolo oh I see.

Yes, I’m sure that’s a medical term. Along with PFO and such like.

The Asthma Uk page has changed - mum is not that vulnerable after all because her asthma and COPD is relatively well controlled. She won't be getting a letter then and I feel slightly better about going in and defrosting the freezer for her so she can actually get some food in it.

I had hoped that one or other of the grannies might be able to get food delivered by someone other than me but it is not to be.

I think the letters may not be 100% accurate in who they go to. DH has had one - all that's wrong with him is non-severe asthma, well controlled, and the usual high blood pressure, also well controlled.

I've found they've scored me on "frailty" in the middle of the band that says "slowing down due to age, may need assistance with shopping, finances, transportation". I am outraged. I do the shopping for the household (I do need a car for transport of large amounts), manage family finances and my father's, walk everywhere within a mile, and in summer go tramping around the hills doing wildlife surveys.

@yoloPenguinsEatfish please don't feel guilty, and I'm truly sorry if my post made you feel that - it was more my own panicked thinking-out-loud really.

I'm very protective of DF and in 'normal' times do a lot for him. He won't have carers - although SS have said (in the past, obvs) that they'd be happy to send them - because he can wash, dress and prepare simple meals, and that's all they'd do for him. I organised a cleaner for him but of course she's not coming now. But he has some minor (urinary) incontinence issues so that's another reason I'm fretting about bed-changing etc. I bought him a truckload of pads just before all of this kicked off so he actually has enough to last him 12 weeks...it's a bugger for all of us really, isn't it?

knotaknitter good to hear that you can at least get in to sort out the freezer. Horrible job though it is.

Mere that’s really odd, some error there I think.