The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Good luck nota !

Welcome back ,Thigh!

I've discovered this new coping strategy with Mum! Just not answering the phoneI have a refuge in the hills where there is no mobile phone coverage. Yesterday I was mid-way through a plant survey when I had an unwelcome double blow 1) my phone rang 2) it was my father. Fortunately instead of the usual 7 calls he makes before finally putting his phone where he can hear me, he got it first time. Bur even so, my wonderful relaxed feeling was blown away and took about 30 min to return.

A plant survey in the hills sounds interesting Dint are you a botanist?

Dint are you a botanist Not by profession.But being involved in plant surveys and the like gives the motivation for strenuous exercise, without the need to follow a crocodile up the paths to the peaks. It's surprising how easy it is to be in one of the most beautiful areas of England and not see another person all day.

Of course everything has its down-side - now I have to write my report.

Sounds like an interesting thing to do, with lots of side benefits.

nota Indeed!

I'm not bad on weed identification, I started with "green thing, spiky green thing" but when I thought about it I can recognise qite a few native plants, especially the ones that you don't want in your naice lawn.

I was told today that I could cut my relative's lawn, it was offered as if it were a special treat. Guess what, I don't want extra work. As the relative does employ an actual gardener I rather thought he could mow the lawn. He would expect to be paid though. I think I was supposed to feel guilty and rush over to do it but they have not yet grasped that the guilt card doesn't work on me any more. People who choose to remain in houses with large gardens can deal with the upkeep of said garden.

Well played knot how cheeky!!!
My treat was cleaning dm’s front door as one of the carers had said how grubby it was( and it obviously can’t wait until cleaner comes)
I was daft enough to do it...... ( but I did get invited in to see neighbours amazing garden! )
dint that survey sounds fascinating! Report writing less so....

DM's new gardener is a bloody godsend. She did twice the work of the old gardener, in half the time.

The carer agency that I tried to switch to turned out to be too good to be true, as when they realised I only wanted someone for half an hour or an hour each day I didn't hear back from them.

So I've managed to get one plate spinning, for now.

Knot I learned a huge amount by not pulling up any weed that I didn't recognise down to species.

sandwich report writing isn't so bad as it's when you have time to digest the data you've collected. At the moment I haven't actually counted how many species we had in the different areas, and there may well be interesting things to find out in terms of species which were seen in one area but not in another.

Sorry about the agency nota maybe keep looking?
Have found a new gardener for dm who has worked miracles in 4 hours and has also provided eye candy for her to watch( not sparkling conversation but muscles 😂😂) perked her up no end.......

Last night two men knocked on Mum’s door, pointed at her car and asked if it was hers and said they were going to come back and impound it if she didn’t tax it by today. She assumed they were the police but didn’t think to ask for Id . The car IS taxed but of course she was worried so phoned me first thing this morning.

The police don’t deal with car tax, it’s the DVLA who pursue car tax and they certainly wouldn’t send someone out in a Sunday night to a car which is currently taxed so I think it must be some kind of scam but what?
I called the police and they came out and asked the neighbours if they’d seen anything but no one had.

I’m worried that they are looking for vulnerable people. So worrying when they are on their own. We’ve told her not to answer the door unless she knows the person. She lives in a small village and has always left the door unlocked so anyone can walk in - it’s so hard to get her to change the habit.

Someone suggested a doorbell camera connected to a phone - has anyone got one? Anyone got any recommendations?

She's done the right thing, didn't let them in and called you. There would have been bonus points for asking for id. I would have expected them to want to come in and see her documents, one keeps her occupied and gets her flustered while the other one "goes to get a glass of water".

My mother is supposedly trained to the two responses "my daughter deals with all that sort of thing" and "I'm deaf dear, you'll have to put that in writing". The reality is that she will jump to the bidding of any man in a suit provided she had her hearing aids in at the time.

May i join? Dad is 87 and in a local care home. he has advanced dementia and really that’s about all there is on that. The staff get him up, he’s washed and dressed and he spends the rest of the day asleep.

Mum is 85 and lives a couple of streets away. I am the only sibling here(the rest are scattered across UK and beyond) so if falls to me to visit every day etc. Just as well we have a close relationship. She falls often so now has a stick and rolator ,we have put in hand rails, a sit down shower, rails in the garden etc. She lives in a bungalow so don’t have to worry about stairs. She’s still reasonable independent in terms of looking after herself but struggles with incontinence, arthritis, fibromyalgia and deafness. I’m not really complaining as I love her dearly and we are close...but, it just seems so endless. I work F/T as well and sometimes I feel so tired and resentful, and then thoroughly ashamed of myself. I’m lucky to still have her, I know and the children adore her so....don’t really know what my point is lol. I’ll shut up now.

dementedma Welcome to the club. Much as you love your mum, it's just not feasible to be working 365 days a year - and when you're providing support, a visit isn't a social visit to your mum, it's actually work. Don't feel guilty for feeling resentful, you've got a lot to resent. I used to visit Dad every three days, and that felt quite bad (especially as I could rarely get away in under 3 hours). Now he's in a home, I still visit every three days (at least until Covid) and it feels so great when DH or DS take on a visit instead of me.

The plus side of his being in a nursing home is that when I'm there, I don't have to do anything (at least I don't as long as he doesn't want the loo) and I can just talk to him, and be a daughter not a carer.

Thank you for the welcome and comments. Much appreciated. She dreads being a burden so I know when she asks for help, she really needs it but today has involved taking her to the hairdresser, getting her shopping, taking her plus cat to vet etc. Nothing major but needs must, I suppose. DH is very good at helping out and takes her out and about, and the dcs, especially DS , help too but I think its the mental responsibility and the siblings dont really understand. Its a lot easier when they just phone or make the occasional visit. Sorry, whinging again.

Welcome from me demented this is the place to sound off because so many of us know exactly what you mean- the relentless responsibility and millions of minor chores that drain.
Dm is mid 90s living locally with carers coming in but needs a lot of support from me.
I would say try and introduce a cleaner / carer person ASAP before needed- recruit for personality, someone to perhaps help with some of those tasks rather than just clean and provides company too.
Do you have poa etc in place too? Falls alarmsetc?
And please find some time for you. If I know cleaner / hairdresser etc are coming I don’t need to visit....😉

Welcome as well from me Demented, no need to apologise for whinging here. Sage advise from sandwich re outsourcing what you can, also apply for Attendance Allowance in order to help pay for some of these things (it's not means tested).

Thanks nota- I have also sourced a new gardener for mum who does twice the work for half the price and provides dm with eye candy....... perks her up no end 😂😂😂😂

Demented it's hard, you're working full time and have a caring role on top from which there is no relief. Just at the moment there's little chance of the dream of running away for a couple of weeks and letting all the work be someone else's problem.

I'd start with introducing community transport or a taxi service so she has some freedom of her own and can get out without you.

Although I just considered your user name and this may be a really stupid suggestion.

If I know cleaner / hairdresser etc are coming I don’t need to visit....😉 Yes, I knew both milkman and window cleaner were looking out for my father. It didn't give him much needed company but at least I knew if something major happened I'd know about it.

The Avon lady reported my parents to the At Risk team of the social work dept
They chalked up so many alerts
Three from the Police in six weeks was a particular chaotic time
Legends

Thank you all. Yes we have a PoA in place and just recently discovered DA. Community taxis? Will have to look into that. Have come home knackered to find that not DH, Dd or DS have visited her today despite all being at home. FfS. She lives a 10 minute walk away!!

Hi everyone,
Hope you're all OK?
Things here are staggering along very slowly but I could use some advice from you knowledgeable legends :)
So...
Offer made on house. Mum accepted. Solicitor instructed.
Most rental properties locally are either large 4/5 bed detached at £1,200/1,500 pcm or room shares!
However...we are having difficulty in getting a private landlord to rent to a pensioner anyway (which is discriminatory imo) mums pensions income is fixed and won't change...an employed person could be made redundant tomorrow! Or am I being a bit dense? (Probably!)
My issue is:
A ground floor 1 bed flat has come available in an over 60 complex. Central to the town. Communal garden.
She is very against this idea which infuriates me...how is it different to a 1 bed bungalow??
I'm trying to get her to view it. I really think its her best bet.
Sigh.
Its also less than half the price of the houses she has been looking at...she doesn't need a 3 bed house! Thats why she's moving!
(Deep breaths...)
I want her to be safe but I want her to be happy too :(
Am I being a horrible daughter? :(