The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Jace good to hear he is a bit better.

yolo have you double checked that? I don’t mean to be patronising but I once helped a friend take action against solicitor when they demanded extra money - and it worked, the money was returned with a bit of compensation.

So is it worth going through every piece of paper? I know you said you didnt like the guy. When mum had this, she had a very nice lady but even then, the firm sent a very clear letter outlining the procedures they were taking on, with quotes for everyone’s fees - solicitor and paralegal - and also a rough estimate of how many hours they thought it would take, and a likely total. I presume that was the firm policy and not just the fact that the lady was v good.

With my friend’s case, there was a lot of gaslighting on paper if that makes sense!

thanks rosa I'm going to apply fine toothcomb to every bit of paper I can find! the distribution is not complicated at all, it will probably take me about half an hour once I have everything in place, but damned if I'm giving the fuckweasel anything else!!

How’s everyone doing?

My mother is now getting skeletal. She has been checked for everything, no issues, but reckons it’s just age. I suppose it’s freaking me out because it’s quite scary to see. She looks like a puff of wind would knock her over.

Hi rosa and hello all..... hope things are calm.
Dm skeletal too- complains everything is too heavy - even her purse. Trying to encourage her to eat more but not easy. Hope physio can work magic for her later this week....

sandwich sorry you have the same worry.

Mum comments on my work bag, doesn’t seem to realise it’s not heavy for me. I’m not asking her to eat more but I just wondered how normal it was to have this weight loss with no explanation. I’ve seen 85+ going this way but 80 seems a bit young, perhaps just my experience.

To be fair, I think it’s compounded the whole “so depressing be around” experience. Even my sister is shocked now and she is generally quite philosophical about it all. I keep thinking, if mum can’t reverse the loss, what will she weigh this time next year - five stone?!

I'm ok after my hideous weekend last weekend. Things are just being allowed to carry on until it becomes untenable. My mum's sertraline updose has resulted in her becoming much more lucid (but no memory of her lucidity) which is a bit disconcerting because she is clearly understanding stuff- just cannot remember what she just understood.

So sorry to hear about your mothers weight loss Rosa and Sandwich keep on feeding them whatever they will eat- are there any natural appetite stimulants that they could have to encourage them to eat a bit more?

nora ignore me if I’m being nosey but are you okay healhwise, hope so.

Mum eats, she eats cake every day, lucky her. She eats what she always did. She gained about 3lb after having two children and was horrified. She’s definitely a hollow legs person since I was born, but is now significantly underweight as opposed to a smidge.

She can still do laundry, water the garden, change bed linen etc. So hopefully that’s a proper amount of strength for her age?

DF deteriorating rapidly - now got a chest infection which he is being treated for but I suspect may be the end of him
DM is struggling with this understandably not helped by her dementia
I’m alternately in bits, then next minute accepting and at peace
DC supporting me and have made their farewells just in case
DB is still on holiday but we call and he will Skype DM and DF with my help tomorrow
Please help me - I am supposed to be going on holiday in a few days and again in a few weeks - both abroad but short flights and could probably get back if needed
I’m at peace in that I can’t change DF situation any further now, every time I see him I’m prepared for it to be got the last time
However am worried about DM, even if I did fly back could take up to 8 hours to get flight, check in etc plus flight time and transfers
Adult DC would pitch in but I feel unfair to ask - they are 26 and 27 if that matters
What would you do? Appreciate we are all different
I can’t decide and keep hoping for signs of improvement which will help my decision

Jace hugs for you

I don’t know what to advise as tbh I never had grandparents so I can’t even think what my coping skills would have been like...but other people with more useful advice will be along shortly, I’m sure

jace that is really tough.i am sorry. So hard to advise.
Would you be able to enjoy your holiday or will it make things harder?
This could go on for a lot longer. Would the break help you cope?
Is there support for dm?
What do your dc say?
What is your gut feel? Only you can decide. 🌺🌺

My gut feel is to go but then I waver and feel guilty
DC, DB and even DM say go.........
I have a full on day job and struggle to allow myself to take leave (I’m the boss) so doubly important to reduce stress
Holiday 1 is with a female friend who is going through a messy divorce so will not be party party - however she will be totally fine if I have to leave early
Holiday 2 is with DP who is trying to cheer me up/reduce stress

At least I have cat support n vodka tonight

Listen to what your nearest and dearest say. They know the situation.
And you sound close to breaking.
Your gut will tell you. And whatever you do, hands to hold here. 🌺

@#thesandwich
Thank you - I’m actually in bits right now but probably time I went to bed - at least for a few hours rest

Good night one and all

Zzzzzzzz

Jace hope you get a decent kip and thank you for the cat pics.

I'm another one for saying go Jace. I dithered in the same way when my DF was dying and eventually went on the holiday. He lasted a good few weeks longer, and I was glad of the break.

Nora did you get a scan yet for the bleeding?

Hi, yes I was scanned, nothing abnormal, fibroids still there but not changed, nothing else. So Dr has changed my HRT to a combined one with a bleed between. But the patches fall off after 3 days because I swim every day- they are supposed to last a week. I bought some special dressings to go over the patch, they stay on but they itch like fuck. But the new HRT has stopped the bleeding.

Glad to hear it wasn't anything sinister. Stress, however, is enough to screw our minds and bodies. Swimming every day sounds a really good move.

jace 🌺
nora glad you had the scan.
cockroach all.

nora glad you had the scan

I was watching The Mothman Prophecies and a character says “could you explain yourself to a cockroach?” and it was a serious point but I laughed because of this board.

Thank you everyone - I’m going!
Will visit DF today after work then head to airport

Jace - so glad to hear you're going! You can't bear the whole burden yourself, and if you try to, you won't be any use to anybody. Definitely accept help from DC. It'll be less of a load to them as they're not bearing ultimate responsibility for decisions and long term futures. So remind yourself of this every time you are tempted to feel guilty. You have nothing at all to feel guilty for.

And remember, you are modelling for your DC how to deal with elderlies. You don't want to model that you have to put your life on hold, and run yourself into the ground.