The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Mere I might do that, thanks.

I’ve just had mum on the phone, she was at a friend’s house today and somehow still managed to go on about her loneliness within 5 mins.

autumn it is exhausting and draining. The drainingness of it all was what really got to me, I could be perfectly happy and within 5 mins mum could puncture my balloon. I just took to I never got - or indeed properly looked for - any carers' support, but dint has some good thoughts above.

Thanks yolo

I actually just cut the conversation short but she will decide I was in a bad mood

Well, we had a good day yesterday. We had a family celebration and brought my father (involving a wheelchair and 18ft of temporary ramps), and made a bizarre buffet to suit the varied tastes of the 6 of us - scones, jam, cakes, trifle, cheesecake, roast veg, baked potatoes, pigs-in-blankets and a cheese board. And I'd gone through a box of old photos (covering the first 25 years of his life) and put together some in an album for my father, and fortunately he was delighted - I thought there'd be a fair chance he'd be worried that they'd get something spilt on in the Home and wouldn't be pleased (we've scanned them all in case of mishaps). So it was all good.

Mere I admire you for doing that, glad it went well.

That sounds lovely dint
I am endeavouring to get out of the hands on care role with dm I’ve had to be part of since her fall in Nov so I am happy to do the treat bits.
Not easy.
Hope everyone is doing ok.

sandwich what are you doing at the mo?

Today was my mother's husband's funeral. My lovely son and my equally lovely ex came along for support for me and mum. The funeral (crem) was fine but they included only her reading suggestion- ignored her music choices (and actually I think they chose better music to be fair- and she did not remember her choices anyway).

I managed to shake hands with the Grimms and say I was sorry for thier loss. Mum asked me this morning before we left "remind me Nora- who'se funeral are we going to today?". She looked tiny and frail and lost but she was great- she kept it together and lots of the people from her local church came and she felt held in mind and cared about.
So I am glad that this chapter is closed with the Grimm family- there is just the property to deal with now, but as we are now dealing with probate grant before anything can be sold I suspect they may ease off on the demands for money and just leave us alone. No mention was made of property or money but I was surrounded by two 6'2" minders (son and ex) so I felt safe that they would not dare.

I took her back to her resi home where it felt warm and cosy and inviting and comforting. I needed to leave, I was exhausted and relieved.

I have everything crossed that things will be easier now.

Sending everyone hope and strength for 2020 as we soldier on with our parents and help them through their latter years.

Oh nora big hugs for you.

nora just the biggest hug and all forms of soothingness for you... it sounds as if it was as good as it could have been? you must be absolutely shattered xx

Nora that sounds like a tough day all round, and I'm glad you had your minders with you. Sending you a large G&T for fortitude.

nora so glad you had your chaps with you and sounds like your mum coped well. 🌺🌺
Leave it to the lawyers and look after yourself. Sounds like your dm s safe and being cared for.
rose I had been doing at least one visit a day including meal prep and commode......
Plus shopping/ all admin/ Christmas shopping etc etc........

sandwich that’s an awful lot.

sandwich hit post too soon

This is on top of full time work?

rose no, I no longer work- ran my own business up to a few years ago.
Retirement has been dominated by dm care. Far too much atm.
Last year particularly. Not what I worked £&*# hard for. I want to do more travel and volunteering but have had to step back from some of that.

sandwich ah, sorry, you did tell me that before.

sandwich you definitely must make this the year you reclaim some time for you. I cant remember, sorry, but will she accept outside carers? if not, then you have to just be less available, and I know how diffiicult it is... cant drink from an empty tap and all that.

thanks both.
She has carers who are lovely but seem permanently stretched according to dm and couldn’t cover all when she fell, couldn’t walk and needed more care. And they said they couldn’t cover bank hols... and miraculously did when I made noises about alternatives....
Yes- I will reclaim my life. Thank you for the kick up the behind!

sandwich sounds like there’s more paid care needed?

sandwich do you pay, or is the care via SS? I'm sorry, I think you said a few pages back that she pays. Possibly time to get SS to do a reassesment (I think they will do that on request) for her actual needs and then try and establish what they will provide and how much can be topped up privately? sorry if talking out of my arse, its been a loooong day.

Mere I admire you for doing that, glad it went well Nothing to admire! It beats the alternative of holding the celebration in a room at the home - a no-brainer.

I am endeavouring to get out of the hands on care role with dm I’ve had to be part of since her fall in Nov so I am happy to do the treat bits. Yes, that's a very good reason to outsource all the hands-on care stuff. It restores the important stuff to the relationship.

I had been doing at least one visit a day including meal prep and commode......Plus shopping/ all admin/ Christmas shopping etc etc........ That is a lot!! When Dad was at home, I did 2-3 days a week (about 2-3 hours), plus admin, shopping, laundry, management of financial affairs, being on-call 24/7. Now I still visit every 3 days (with occasional relief from DS2 or DH) and manage financial affairs and all his interaction with the outside world. But he's stopped timing his loo visits for my arrival, thank goodness, and I rarely stay more than 2 hours. It also makes a surprisingly large difference not having to do shopping or laundry. And great not to be on-call.

I managed not to give up my voluntary work (I reasoned that Dad can easily last on for 10 years or more, and that pushing 80 it wouldn't be so easy to pick up my social life and feeling of being useful in the community).

But what's good is I'm warming to my father again - when the interactions are an unending series of problems interspersed by being dragged out of bed at 1am to deal with the aftermath of a fall (sometimes followed by a wait for an ambulance while trying to staunch blood, and 5 hours in A&E) it's very difficult to view your loved one as anything other than a nuisance. Feel very disloyal saying that. Now I'm seeing more of my old father, and viewing him with fondness.

Thank you all for your insights.
dint you articulate exactly where I am- wanting to get back to the old relationship with dm, which not perfect was better than this. And mentally she is almost all there.

Mere “ it's very difficult to view your loved one as anything other than a nuisance”

I’ve seen mine as a nuisance for ages. It’s easier to be sympathetic when they are actually ill because although the burden is bigger, it’s not “I want my chiiiiild”.

And after dad’s death, mum has told me he used to tell her a lot that he wished I was around more often. Le sigh.