The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

yay for your hols jace I hope you have a lovely relaxing time. And good news nora that there is nothing nasty going on - is the plasters that itch or the patches?

how's everyone else doing?

I had a little feeling of karma kicking in yesterday... I have got the money from my mother's house sale, have paid bills and distributing the rest as required. DB got the first £50k, but hasnt yet received it - I got the balance on the day of completion. So he went batshit with anxiety... turns out it is due to the way the solicitors paid it out, the money is safe will just take longer to reach his account than the much larger amount did mine. God knows why. Anyway, all the payments are done and I now just have to get his balance to him, which I am doing by BACS over the next 6 days (limit to the amount on daily payments). He would 'prefer' I went to the local town and into the bank in person to arrange an immediate bank transfer. He can 'prefer' as much as he bloody well likes, I'm not wasting 2 hours of my life on his behalf!! Sorry, rant over.

We drove past a posh new BUPA dementia home today, made me wonder if DM would have done ok in somewhere like that - but actually I dont think so, she wanted to be dead a lot of the time in her last few years of life. (cheerful note!)

Loving the cockroach line in the the Mothman thing!

Jace, hope you have a lovely relaxing time.

Mere, wise words.

Yolo - I’d tell your DB there’s a charge for your time. I don’t know how this works but if he had offered to do the distribution, would he have got his money earlier?

Yolo, I would agree that karma was kicking in for you. From what I can remember of your earlier post's your dB was not willing to help out much when your mother was alive and the same with after she died.
He would prefer if you gave up 2 hours of your life so he would get his £50,000 in a lump sum. What about all the hours you were left to deal with your mother, her paperwork and all your own family issues when he was doing sod all to help you out?
Then he rings you to complain about his money, I would have done the same as you did. If he helped you out more you would have done what he wanted.

oh he's got the £50k, he just wants the other, larger amount NOW!! and I've actually reduced the amount I'm transferring daily so that I can do other things with my bank a/c - daily limit on transactions. 4 more days and he'll have his total.

I am away! Having a very teary day today - will update later - DF still with us but failing

Sorry Jace

jace hope you can recharge a bit 🌺

Hello, all. Nothing new to report from me, so I'm just bringing and .

So I dipped a toe in this particular thread (or more precisely a predecessor) last year but things are turning v bad again. Today my mother didn't have any children, has no grandchildren and gave her maiden name when asked by the care home assessor. So she clearly thinks she is under 23 .... she has been married for 52 yrs. God knows who she thinks we all are then ....

Mum found a letter to her husband today, dated 27 August. Said he has an inoperable growing brain tumour and should contact his doctor to discuss palliative care. He hasn't mentioned it to her and she won't talk to him about it.

Surely it's time for the Grimms to accept he needs to go into nursing care. The Dr says mum would not cope with him dying at home, in the same bed as her. It's just awful, my poor mum- how can those vultures believe that the best thing for their dad is to be cared for by a woman with advanced dementia with half an hour of care morning and evening from carers who just dispense meds?

charlie sorry things aren’t going well. Is your dm being admitted to care home? Sounds as if she needs it.
nora please get a copy of that letter to your dms social worker. Get them to fight for your dm🌺🌺
cockroach all🌺☕️☕️

Dr is visiting mum and her DH tomorrow. She thinks she can care for him to the end, but she can't. Mum's social worker got in touch today just to say she was back from leave and had anything changed. I've told her about the letter.
I don't think her H will last till xmas. I need to find care for Mum but I don't know when she will be able to move into care because she won't go until he goes. I'm stuck because it will all depend on where has beds when she needs it.
I can't eat, I've dipped under 8st, the stress is too much (not helped by being in a breadcrumb relationship with a musician lover that clearly loves music more than me but the bits of closeness I get relieve the stress of worry about mum). I'm feeling sorry for myself today ☹️

I think you have every right to feel sorry for yourself Nora. Can you do anything for yourself let get away for a weekend somewhere?

Sounds to me like the BG don't want to have to eat into their inheritance by their dad going into care - whereas having your mum provide his care is free for them...

nota I think you are spot on to the Grimms. I could go away but no one to go with and I spend every night and most weekends alone anyway. Breadcrumb man only graces me with his presence when he can fit me in between rehearsals and his own stuff. We've never spent a whole day together in 6 months.

Welcome fulldisclosure :)

Although our mothers' ailments are different our circumstances are v similar. Sorry to hear of her recent injuries. What plans are in place for her care now?

Disclosure welcome to the thread.

My advice, FWIW, would be to work out what your line in the sand is. Your mum has money, and sounds like she has capacity to make her own decisions so perhaps at this stage you might not need to be more than a sympathetic ear - but only you know if your DM is trying to pull you in more.

It would be worth getting Power of Attorney in place sooner rather than later, and consider applying for Attendance Allowance which can be used to pay for things that can be outsourced like gardeners, cleaners, etc.

Nora breadcrumb man sounds like quite the catch...

nota I know re the breadcrumb man. Not a catch, so much potential to be so but so self involved and inflexible means I'm left with crumbs of his busy time. It's not helping the anxiety I know. But dumping means an even more painful few months while I get over him and I've no stamina right now.

nora can you look on him as a charming diversion? ie dont put your life on hold, but a fwb...

disclosure welcome, you will get good advice and good humour from this lot.

On that note! picked mums ashes up from the funeral directors today. Bloody hell, she was like a tiny little bird at the end but compacted ashes are really quite heavy. Had to do quite a few other errands today, so ended up taking her into a local jewellers she was fond of followed by a drive into the next local town and back to the village for some other bits and bobs. Had to leave her in the car while I had lunch as didnt know where to put her... then found a little space behind a pic of DDs from school. Fucking surreal!!

DB wants to take her to her favourite beach in another country for distribution - out of goodwill I offered to go with him, clearly not what he wants. Unfortunately , DDs want to go... I dont really care actually, the ashes dont mean anything to me at all?

Attendance Allowance isn't means tested, but more about levels of need. I got it for DM and use it for the things I can outsource, such as gardening.

I went to visit DM last night, and noticed that I seem to feel achy for a couple of hours beforehand. I realised it is because I am physically bracing myself for the visit. She starts finding fault before I have even started unpacking the shopping, and so faffing in the garden, taking out the rubbish etc offers a brief escape.

Hospital just called, oncologist wants to see DH ASAP. So we have an appt Monday pm. I am not liking the sound of this at all. Surely if it was just to sign him off (as surgeons said would be the case) the oncologist could phone him, rather than waste valuable appointment time? I suppose he might recommend another course of chemo... fuck it.

The other hospital (DM's) phoned to offer an appt for our complaint meeting - next Tuesday at 10.45am. I declined on grounds of short notice, they've fucked us about this long they can give us a proper advance notice of a meeting.

TFIF, I have already. cockroach and courage to all.

Fingers crossed for MrYolo.