The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Actually, I may just do the "you two need to sort this out between you" and remind her that I am not going to be piggy in the middle in their mess of a marriage.

I started with a cluster of cold sores yesterday Jace -seriously - you need to start looking after yourself, even if other people suffer in the long term. This is how my breakdown started - a long serious of "minor" things wrong with my body - headaches, digestive problems, suspected IBS, as if my body was saying "NOW will you slow down?", and finally severe eczema of the palms of my hands and soles of my feet, so I could neither walk nor hold a pencil - and that finally stopped me. Even so, I was back at work two weeks later, and manged 2 days before doctor signed me off again.

So take those cold sores seriously!

nora yes, that’s what I mean, they should sort the money between them if both have capacity.

Someone here said “you can’t keep someone else warm by setting yourself on fire” or some such. Very true.

Yes DF is in a nursing home but past experience is that wheels grind very slowly without pro active relatives

I do try n look after me - even if it involves gin!
Been batch cooking tonight for when I need a break
I’m also lucky enough to have furry nurse - who always senses when I need extra tlc

Jace I see. Yes, I can imagine.

I have some gin and a cucumber something or other to have with it

Thank you Rosa
It’s so bad that dark chocolate n Bacardi have now joined the cat n me on sofa
However I’m watching history programmes on catch up tv n DD is taking over DF duty tomorrow so I’m going to try n chill until Monday

I'm back after a long while with those who sadly understand...

My dad has had a stroke and ive cancelled my holiday with ds to do a bit of support. Glad, too, as they had completely missed one major impairment that's actually life threatening. My area of expertise but not hard to spot once i had someone actually looking. Gorgeous brand new hospital with single rooms but staffing oddly not increased to compensate for not being able to eyeball multiple patients at once.

Driving back tomorrow and staying over tgere as its a 2 hour drive each way. Hoping once the bl**dy bank holiday is over things will kick into gear a bit. Meanwhile my mother in laws dementia gets worse and my dm has been told something by her GP but cant temember what it is...

Cockroaches to all those in the trenches currently.

I've got a job interview coming up for a very grown up job. It would be a promotion for me if I got it, and involve some international travel. Clearly I haven't even had the interview yet, but I was saying to a friend last night that I'm not sure if I could do it with DM, as just trying to arrange a week's holiday for my family involves enormous effort on my part. She told me not to be so bloody stupid and that my adult DB, DH and DCs will need to step up and that I need to put myself and my career first for once. Sounds good in theory...

Temp Somuch hard work, isn't it? having to keep an eye on everyone to make sure they're getting appropriate care.

nota good luck for the interview. Don't try to meet problems head on - wait till they arise before you start to solve them.

nota didn't your DB offer to do a lot more and have your mum move near etc?

if you want the job, I'm sure there's ways it can be sorted. I can't remember if you are one of the posters who does gardening etc for your DM but that isn't essential, someone else can do it etc.

Temp do the patients have call buttons, I guess they must do.

I would much rather be in a single room even if there isn't an increase in staff tbh. My experience is that the staff are so stressed out and busy they often don't have a chance to notice anything.

my late father begged me to find a way to get him a single room but sadly there was no way to do it.

Jace always love a cat pic!

Wise words Dint about how I view problems. I think because we've had a run of plates that I thought were spinning, turning out not to be, that I just crashed into self doubt.

DB said he would do more, but that hasn't materialised. DM doesn't like the idea of him giving up his time to do stuff for her, so he tends to give up offering without too much of a fight - leaving it to me. Whether I get this job or not, I will have to have another words with him as I can't be expected to always pick up the slack.

nota but it sounds to me like it's your mum who needs to push things with your DB? Didn't she say something about not wanting to be a bother to him but happy to bother you?

Yes, Rosa because I am the daughter, she expects me to be around to do things for her, and not my DB despite the fact that he has more time than me, due to his being a man.

nota strange isn't it.

mum once asked me "why are you using a man's umbrella?"

I looked very confused - well, I was, to be fair - handed it to her and said "mum, look at the way it opens....why do I need a penis for that?" It was surprisingly effective

re the doing things, so it's not essential things, is that correct? Does she have carers or anything?

She has carers who come in the evening to check up on her and make sure she's taking her meds. I do her shopping, empty bins, put washing on, put washing away, gardening, take her to medical appointments, etc. I found a care agency who promised to be able to do these things, but gave up trying to get anyone to speak to me. It's on my list to find another company I can outsource some of these things to.

nota

wouldn't it be easier to get domestic help rather than a care agency for most of those jobs?

why not give the task of finding someone for those things to your DB?

I shouldn't say this after what I just said earlier in the thread, lol, but in terms of medical appointments, would anyone else take her? I sometimes take mum's elderly friends to medical appointments, hence what happened upthread!

it sounds like she needs maybe twice a week domestic help and a gardener, then the evening carer can just do the care bit.

do any neighbours help? mum has some lovely neighbours who will take food in if she's short of anything.

I also did shopping and prescription collecting etc for an elderly neighbour many moons ago. Admittedly I offered - she didn't ask but she was a lovely lady so I was happy to help. I think there's definitely people around who believe in the community thing and just keeping an eye and doing small jobs. I was working 2 jobs back then and the lady had other helpers that she found through a church.

Unfortunately DM has pissed off pretty much all her neighbours by being rude to them at one time or another. She's fallen out with all her friends, my SIL, my DH, so it's me or DB and whoever I can pay who will actually turn up (think she pissed the gardener off and that's why he stopped turning up).

nota oh dear

I’d still leave finding someone new to DB. Does she have any issues that led to her pissing people off btw?

I went to see mum and her DH today. It was her birthday (81) and we went for lunch, I had zero appetite and ate nothing. Mum asked why and I was honest and said it was stress.

We went back to theirs and I told mum (again) what's been happening with the Grimms and said she and her DH need to sort out what they want to do about the money issue and then tell me- I told them that I was not going to accept any more texts or emails from the Grimms because it's too stressful and the olds can make their own decisions. Her DH denied knowing anything about the money issue (a lie, he was there when they brought it up at the meeting where they reduced mum to tears).

Mum is like her old self- fearsome tiger mother. Says she's going to call them and "give them what for". For today- we'll see if she remembers it tomorrow.

I got home to find another text asking about the money from Grimm 2. I've told him no more- I'll only accept texts if there is an emergency. It feels better but I'm steaming adrenaline.

To add to it all I got up from lunch and felt an odd rush in my knickers (tmi sorry) and ran to the loo, blood pouring out of me. I'm 57 on HRT and not had a period since I can remember. It soaked through my skirt and I had to rush off to buy pads and clean myself up. Can stress bring on bleeding post menopause?

I'm going for an early night and hoping for a better day tomorrow.

to all of us who've had a crap day today.

nora I’m sorry, I don’t know anything about bleeding post menopause, but such sudden heavy bleeding would concern me and I’d go to out of hours tbh. Do you have one? Or call NHS 111?

Nora the bleeding is worth a call to 111 as it gets taken quite seriously post-menopause.