The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

It's awful, because you know that this is the route you're going down too.And you wouldn't want your children to see you as a nuisance.

totally agree about the being a burden. Mum definitely became a burden to me, and by extension to the DDs and even DH - he never visited her, but he kept the home fires burning and listened to me ranting. The DDs visited less and less because she became so negative, so it was a self perpetuating circle.

I really dont want to be a burden and will do everything I can to avoid it.

Mere I don’t have children. I have no interest in family stuff so it’s all just so pointless.

I really dont want to be a burden and will do everything I can to avoid it. But how? Yes, you can downsize, de-clutter, get your papers in order, move to sheltered accommodation - but all that may mean giving up your life prematurely and when you've had a lifetime of caring, the chance to live your own life is precious. Yes, life would be easier with a cleaner or a carer or meals on wheels, but that would involve loss of choice, having to get up and go to bed to someone else's timetable, eat according to someone else's meal choice, lost your autonomy.

Then there will come a time when you begin to lost your grip. Not dementia, but is normal in old age to become more anxious and less confident in making your own decisions - but who do you talk your decisions over with? You used to be ahead of everybody with new technology, but somehow now you find you've missed some key bit - it didn't seem more than a gimmick when it started, but now it's ubiquitous and you can't manage without it - yet you don't understand it, and it's so difficult to learn and play catch-up. All this would be so much easier if you could just ask your children a few questions ... but these questions will make you a burden.

I dont know how I wont be, but I'm guessing I'm hoping for a short, painless terminal illness so I can have a proper deathbed scene, having put all my affairs in order...

Mere “ All this would be so much easier if you could just ask your children a few questions ... but these questions will make you a burden.”

This is interesting because I see so many people who don’t find this a burden. I want to be that person. I know everyone loses patience occasionally but generally I see so many people helping their parents with a real feeling of it being worth it. Tbh I started with that feeling as well. I get a strong sense of needing to change.

Mum’s neighbour helps her a lot, his mother is in her 90s and he has to help her too. Interestingly, he does complain about his adult children but he is fine to help his mum and my mum! (His children are quite demanding though). All his time outside work is taken up with childcare or elder care, but he still helps mum and another elderly neighbour. I really admire that.

V interesting points. I try to follow the example of a lovely older friend who has daughters my age and cultivate younger friends and acquaintances.
rose we are all different- don’t measure yourself against what others do.
My sil had her very disabled elderlies for several full days over Christmas plus homemade mince pies, Christmas cakes, numerous Christmas trees, full time work, etc etc...... I am sure my dm makes unfavourable comparisons. I am not my sil and will not do that( can’t bake anyway😂😂)

This is interesting because I see so many people who don’t find this a burden I think that depends on how many questions, how many times the same question has been asked, what time the questions are asked (phone calls just as you're dropping into your first deep sleep), the urgency with which the questions are put (I have No Email ... and you have to schedule an urgent visit just to sort out exactly which button they're hitting on their computer) and the degree to which they have exacerbated the mess by trying to "avoid troubling you".

I get a strong sense of needing to change. You'll change when the problems no longer overwhelm you. That's a different level for everyone, but one of the things I've learned is trying to do everything makes you unable to do anything.

Dad was in a grumpy mood yesterday. They were taking down the Christmas decorations and took down his strings of Christmas cards. He made them put them up again . He wasn't ready to have them down until he'd recorded all the people who'd sent him one. They've given him a helium balloon - not sure what he makes of it - I think he views it as yet another of the perplexing quirks of Management. (Yes, I'm certainly appreciating my father more now all I do is his admin, and somebody else does his personal care and medications).

the degree to which they have exacerbated the mess by trying to "avoid troubling you
Oh yes! A thousand times. Telling all and sundry about their ‘problems’, not a whisper to you even though they know and need you to sort it out and by that time it’s urgent.
Thank you all for keeping me sane,

dint it sounds as if your dad is getting quite sparky in his care home!

would anyone mind if I started another *cockroach cafe mark 2" thread in honour of my dear mum?

Your dad sounds a character, dint Glad you can enjoy some time with him rather than have to be a carer.
yolo that sounds a fab idea! Go for it!

would anyone mind if I started another cockroach cafe mark 2" thread in honour of my dear mum?* Glad you mentioned it! I've been watching the numbers of posts and calculating how long I could leave it before starting the continuation - yes, please do, that's a lovely idea.

Done!

Here it is!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3790756-The-Cockroach-Cafe-Mark-2-general-coping-with-oldies