The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Thank you all for hugs n general tlc
I will check tomorrow re feed situation x DD is visiting DF on my behalf (sad but a paramedic uniform tends to command more respect)
Hugs to all xxxx

How’s everyone today?

I’m fretting because some guys have been banging on doors in mum’s road - aggressively - at different times today, I presume they are checking to see who’s in for burglary times? On the one hand, obviously mum wont answer the door, but then what? I presume aggressive banging with doorbell ringing is to double check no one is in?

Sorry long time lurker, posted a little a loong time ago. 🇩🇰

rosa please check out this www.amazon.co.uk/slp/smart-doorbell/4xf8wdfnmacgeg8

madam mum refuses to have one of those, she doesn’t do tech.

The neighbour has one but today it didn’t record for some reason.

rosa i know it will be another elderly thing to do, but perhaps you could connect it to your phone, that is if you are both worried about 'burglar callers'.
I was quite worried when it was my ddad, who couldn't hear the doorbell and left the door unlocked .

madam no, really not keen to do this and all happened when I was at work anyway.

I really posted wondering if anyone has advice on whether it’s better for her to shout through the door or something to show that someone is home.

Shouting through the door is a difficult one. On the one hand it shows someone is in; on the other it reveals the person "in" to be an elderly lady. Maybe a radio playing? Yes, it's what everyone does when they go on holiday, but on the other hand, would they take the risk?

We got mum a key safe so that anyone expected (family, carers etc) could get in. It did get difficult though, and in fact she usually left the front door unlocked the whole time and I think we were lucky something like this didnt happen. The fact that I was a 2 minute walk away probably helped, if she had been doorstepped she would have phoned me to come round.

Her house finally sold today - exchange and completion within minutes. Such a relief...

However we are still waiting for the local NHS trust to find a time to offer us a meeting to discuss our complaints about her 'care'...

Mere I don’t know, do people do that on holiday?

I just wondered if shouting “go away” might help, sadly my mum will not stretch to “piss off”.

I don’t think she sounds elderly but you never know who is watching the house. What concerned me was the loud banging. If they hadn’t done it to her other neighbours I’d be worried it was someone really dodgy with a wrong address.

yolo

Mum refuses a key safe but it’s not really a factor here. She always has the door locked and the chain up. There’s no concern about her opening the door, it’s more we were wondering if it’s better to show that someone is in. If they get no answer will they decide there’s no one home and attempt a break in?

I’m really sorry to say it but I think you will have a very long wait with the NHS meeting, they want to wear you down so you give up.

Took DM to Dr this morning about her painful leg (I thought possible cellulitis) crappy triage system meant we ended up with a sports injury clinic - the heavily tattooed male physio was rather bemused to be met with elderly DM with dementia - he thinks it’s an infected varicose vein and I now have to try n get her to an appointment elsewhere on Saturday
DM can’t remember where she has been or why so am not sure how bad it really is!

Part 2 - left work early today to get a much needed haircut - had to leave mid style with dripping hair due to call from DF nursing home - they are concerned his kidney function on way out, finally got NSG feeds delivered but pharmacy have sent wrong ones n they are too thick for tube feed so re order and he’s still not being fed other than occasional ensures
DF arm so swollen due to all this that care staff felt they had to remove his wedding ring - DM became inconsolable at this point so they rang me to sort out

I resolved with DMs DM charm bracelet! DM now settled as her DM is ‘looking after him’ it’s the first time in 59.5 years it’s been off his finger - I helped her with exchanging vows and both are peaceful for a few hours

oh jace just the biggest hugs for you and I hope you can get a decent night's sleep xx

Sadly exMIL DH died this morning
No news re DD MIL cancer prognosis
Tonight I have furry cat nurse and gin - hugs to all that need them

hug that cat and sink the gin jace

Oh Jace hugs to you.

Thank you - sleep well - one and all

More hugs jace 🌺🌺

Just in awe of the hours of unpaid work and infinite energy and mental space represented here.

I was at the ward round for my 88 year old dad on Tues on the stroke ward. Made what i considered to be an incredibly reasonable request that they consider palliation if he deteriorates (another stroke, infection). They reacted as if I'd proposed finishing him off there and then. The consultant stood at the far end of the bed and rattled off long complex sentences to my dad despite his diagnosed language and cognitive problems. The doctor winked at me. Can't stand being winked at. Patronising arse. I'd spent four days there caring for dad and the doctor barely acknowledged me, didn't even ask why i was thinking that way. I told him the stroke has affected everything my dad still likes to do and he just ignored it. If my dad gets back to playing bridge and living independently i will donate £100 to his ward, but i think my money is safe. They didnt even spot his swallowing problem until i got there.

Temp “Made what i considered to be an incredibly reasonable request that they consider palliation if he deteriorates (another stroke, infection). They reacted as if I'd proposed finishing him off there and then.”

Sadly this sounds familiar. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

No idea how we move from theoretical programmes on 'we need to talk about death' to change the ludicrous reality of what elderly people are forced through before we all finally allow them to die. My dad is on a stroke pathway that is every bit as inflexible as the Liverpool Care Pathway was supposed to be. Its all about the way these things are implemented and seeing people as individuals.

Temp “the ludicrous reality of what elderly people are forced through before we all finally allow them to die”

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. With my dad, I got the impression they feared being sued or something. He did sign a DNR when he still had capacity, which was helpful.

Something else that confuses and concerns me is availability of hospice places. The hospice dad went to was tiny and it seemed to be complete coincidence that a bed came up for him. My sister has a friend whose mum is end stage cancer and she seems to have been sent home because there are no hospice places available at present.

jace more hugs after yesterday.

With DM, she had a DNR in place; we asked what would happen if she developed eg pneumonia. It would be treated as she was just 'broken' not ill (they said....) In fact she died from pneumonia which they didnt think to mention to family? they must have noticed it developing?

TBH, it would have been better if her catastrophic injury on June 7 last year had been catastrophic enough to finish her off - her final 5 months were awful. I am totally in support of volutnary euthanasia and she'd have taken it.

In other 'you couldnt make it up news' it appears we only instructed mum's solicitor to extract the grant of probate and not distribute the estate, for which privilige they would like £225 an hour plus VAT. Funnily enough, we have decided to do it ourselves...

Thank you for hugs DD on visiting duties today and reports that DF has been having a better day 😊
Dietitian is being really helpful (rang me to update) and has arranged temp alternative whilst waiting for correct NSG feed so DF has actually received some calories into system which must be a bonus
I’m supposed to be going on holiday for 5/6 days next week but will leave it up until day before to decide - if DF stable or improving will go n hope for best