The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Well, surviving Xmas and New Year with the oldie was something I dreaded, so it’s nice to be out the other side.

I’m reaching the stage where I just say “hmmm” a lot and completely miss what she’s telling me. I tend to assume I’ll tune back in if it becomes important? This is what parents do with little children, I think?

I’m reaching the stage where I just say “hmmm” a lot and completely miss what she’s telling me. I tend to assume I’ll tune back in if it becomes important? I crochet. It occupies 90% of my brain, leaving the other 10% to focus on what he's saying. It's the crippling boredom that gets to me, when every sentence is spun out over a full 2 mins.

Thanks Mere

Just caught up with a friend in a similar spot. His mum spent Xmas day and NYE crying so I guess I’ve been lucky!

Lucky for you both to get away with that. My Db gets away with Hmmm. He usually buries himself in a newspaper and reads whilst hmmming. I however seem to be required to make appropriate verbal responses. The problem being that with her dementia, she call tell me the same thing repeatedly over the course of a visit. For example, DH was in NI recently (this is probably going to offend - sorry!)

DM: where is MrNota?
Me: NI
DM: is he armed? (joke btw)
Me: No more than usual. (joke, ovbs...)
Rinse and repeat x 5. By which point I've got bored with my response. So I then switch to 'No', which annoys her as she thinks I'm not playing along with the joke. So I then switch again to 'at home' to mix things up a little.

And I still haven't started my crochet.

nota I’m not getting away with it. Mum is upset and wondering why I’m not reacting more to today’s tale of the Post Office etc.

Where can I restock on compassion? I know I need to.

I seem to have the opposite problem to you guys! I'm desparately trying to think of stuff to talk about to cheer DF who's stuck in a chair all day. But given he's never been interested in what I'm doing, and he's got nothing interesting to report from his chair and isn't chatty, it's hard going!

Gh0st sympathies. I think we’ve probably many of us seen that one too.

How is your dad getting along?

Autumn if you find anywhere that stocks compassion let me know!

I think that's an extension of my problem Gh0st as there is nothing that I can talk about that DM is interested in, so if I do, she stops listening early on (I don't warrant a hmmmm type response) or she just gets irritated with me.

For about a month now she has been telling me the same story about the Blitz, which should be fascinating as it is a lived history, but I know confused DS when she taught him the difference in the sounds of allied and Nazi war plans and asked him to listen out for the planes overhead in future so that he could differentiate. The only response being, 'I will do that nana'.

you all have my sympathy plus extra . DM would drone on and on about her ailments, the terribleness of the GP surgery, how things weren't like when she were a gal, and could never be distracted. It's so draining. And so awful, because she never used to be like that.

nota I'm liking the different plane sounds and your DS response though! what else could he say?
autumn my compassion drained away pretty quickly I am afraid to say.
ghost would your dad to the news, or politics? tricky subjects I know but sometimes used to distract mum.

yolo thank you. "And so awful, because she never used to be like that."

do you mean this changed with age, or after she was widowed?

Agree with the "can't be distracted". the whole "oh, look, a squirrel" rarely works, plus is very draining in itself.

age and increasing frailty autumn, she was widowed at 66, so had 22 years after that. the first 12 were pretty much ok, but the last 10 years just saw the decline, gradual at first but then rapid.

yolo ah, yes, I don't know if I'm linking some of the changes to widowhood when they might have happened any way.

Mum and I both get very bad SAD but she refuses to even turn lights on on a dark winter day....then moans how the lack of light is affecting her.

mmm. for my mum it was definitely the age, but also linked to the widowhood in that, at 66, living in another country, she pretty well had to cope, and she did very well. but then as she became more and more fragile and her world closed in on her, she harked back to dad more and more. re the lights, is it an electricity bill thing? DM was like that until I moved to her some special old person's tariff and told her to switch the bloody lights on!! (apart from anything else, to reduce the risk of falling)

yolo thanks. I think perhaps I am getting things in a muddle. Or, if dad was still alive, I just wouldn't see so much of it as I do now.

mum has just been on the phone telling me how she doesn't really want to talk to anyone but me. I have noticed that when people call, she gets them off the phone as fast as possible.

it's not the electric bill but she has a thing that "young people have it too easy" as if there is some virtue to be gained from sitting in the dark.

I do think there might be another "up" phase in spring and summer.

I am very much a quiet introverted hermit type. I think perhaps this is showing in her now because she hasn't got the "motivation" of taking dad everywhere with her.

I suppose it's partly upsetting because when we have fun, we have such a laugh! The idea that it's just going to be all doom and gloom from here is a bit pants.

once again, apologies for the trivial moan and to all dealing with much more serious stuff!

A belated happy new year to everyone
Still trying to tie up lots of loose ends here
Sent off paperwork to Dads work pension to get 1/2 transferred to DM
His bank have not had copy of death cert despite me taking it in - in person and them scanning to send to head office - so have to go in to branch yet again
Weird letter from DWP re his winter fuel allowance - they are sending me £150 even though they know he died in October!?!
Took DM to optician - although routine check up - her dementia made it anything but and I was with her best part of 1/2 a day - thankful for understanding employers etc
Dcat and I are knitting tonight but gin is also involved

Jace I am a very anxious person, I admit

But that picture worries me.

The Winter Fuel might be right, we had all sorts of odd letters. Terrible about the bank though.

After what mum went through, I was trying to think, how would I go about setting up some sort of campaign to get better service in these situations?

autumn my DF is pretty fed up, can barely walk, but can't be bothered to do physio, etc to help matters. However, I had a good talk to the home manager who seems on the ball and proactive, so I'm confident he's in the right place. He's going to be miserable wherever, but at least he's being looked after.
It's draining being the one person they rely on, and the one they moan to, isn't it. We all need a good moan though, so I do understand. I think DF puts on a bit of a cheery front for other people, out of politeness, etc, but I get the doom and gloom.
Yolo I'm going to try news, or something like that, thanks. I've arranged for a newspaper for him every day, and will encourage him to do the crossword with me next visit.
Jace it's infuriating isn't it? I had all sorts of things like that when DM died. I think my dad had a letter from DWP informing him he had died. When I phoned to sort it out, they insisted they needed him to phone and sort it out - to prove he wasn't dead?!
And I like crochet too, haven't had much opportunity recently, but attempting a blanket!

Gh0st ah, that’s really difficult. My mother tends to overdo things but comes from the school of “use or it lose it”. I reckon a knee replacement will be in order soon.

It is very hard that they don’t have someone else to moan to!

Ta-dah! Managing some crochet.
And I have indeed told him those exact words "use it or lose it"! And variations of that for the last ten years...

ghost lovely crochet! also, what about a jigsaw puzzle, or if not too geeky, one of those hidden object games on a tablet? I am addicted to one called something like Mystery Castle on Bigfish games, it's free...

Lovely crochet

I was wondering, what would posters here say is covered by “caring for a parent”?

I think autumn it covers virtually everything! From the basic mental load to the full on physical care (which I dont think many of us do).

Its like boiling a lobster though, you start off with the little things and then it just becomes more and more time consuming and mentally and physically consuming. IME at least.

Thanks yolo

There’s a local carer support group but I’m imagining it will be people who are doing full on care, not people who are doing stuff like I am - help with shopping, doc appointments etc. So I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to go.

When I phoned to sort it out, they insisted they needed him to phone and sort it out - to prove he wasn't dead?! Well, there have been cases of people taken to court for continuing to claim benefits for people who died months previously ...

autumn that was my experience of the local carers group - it was all wives/husbands doing full on care for their partners.

But the LA people running the group were adamant it was for people like me too, were very welcoming and sympathetic. So I've remained tapped into the group, getting news of things like "caring for someone with dementia" talks, and getting emails saying "how are things going, would you like a chat?", but decided this group is much more relevant to what I'm actually doing.They've also got a chap who keeps up with technology - told us about tiny location trackers which can be concealed in the heel of a shoe - I'm wondering whetehr they'd be any use on a cat's collar.

So my suggestion is to make contact with the group so that you can tap into the relevant LA advice services, and go to a meeting with an open mind. You don't have to keep going if it isn't helpful.