The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

So my dad's care home rang at 7.30am this morning, which scared me into thinking the worst. Turns out it was 'only' a fall. DF fell on the way to the loo last night, but the only damage seemed to be a grazed shoulder. He's still asleep, so hopefully he'll feel ok when he wakes up. Six months ago I would have rushed to see him, but now we've almost got used to this sort of thing. I'm feeling guilty as I'm off to see a schoolfriend instead today, unless anything changes - to be fair, friend lives abroad, so today is my only chance to see him while he's in the UK for Christmas.

Ghost I totally get it. My parents have both nearly died quite a few times.

Hopefully your dad will feel okay when he’s awake.

Just spoken to DF. He was having a good moan about the carers, so I'm happy he's back to his normal 'grumpy old man' self 😂

Glad you had a good time yolo
ghost glad your df is rallying- if they are complaining, they are improving..... and so glad you are seeing your friend.
Had a lovely day with dh’s family yesterday- lots of fantastic young adults and nice people. A great day.
Back to dms later.......

this is a bit random but I am feeling so sorry for George Michael's father and sister right now.

I've just had a couple of people telling me mum will be "better" in future Christmases. She won't will she. Well, I suppose you never know what's going to happen. But it seems unlikely.

no its not that random autumn, with my PILs here for Christmas I spent a lot of time thinking "but where are MY mum and dad?" it's weird being an orphan, even if you are 58 like me! I was 36 when dad died and very pregnant with DD1, that was worse because he literally dropped dead, so the shock was terrible. I think knowing its coming allows you to start to protect yourself, at least it did for me.

sorry, I meant the news was a bit random for here!

I'm also sorry you felt that at Xmas yolo. Luckily Xmas has never been a thing in my family, so although my mum felt the loss as she does every day, it wasn't a particularly weird day for me. Birthdays are weirder. Also dad and I used to discuss the business news for long periods so whenever I see a big story there, I think, how weird not to talk to dad about that.

I'm feeling guilty as I'm off to see a schoolfriend instead today, unless anything changes, Nah, he's in a safe place, being looked after. You can't add anything useful to that. It's only by keeping your own life going that you have the energy to be helpful to anyone else, so see your schoolfriend, and you'll be more refreshed to spend time with your father when you next see him.

Yolo I know exactly what you mean, I had a very similar experience to you with my DM. Totally out of the blue, 3 months before I got married, aged 34. The shock was horrific. Experience with DF proving to be very different.
Autumn, I guess people don't know what to say, and are trying to be nice! But I understand it's difficult for you.
PS how do you all do the short name tag in bold??

I also lost my DF when I was pregnant with DD Yolo. In his case it was expected, but even so, bereavement while pregnant is tricky.

Ghost

if you put an asterisk at the start and end of a word, it appears in bold.

I tend to do this rather than @ people. I don't mind how people do it but I find bold easier to spot.

Ghost sorry, yes, I guess people are trying to be nice

I just think it's going to get worse, probably, so when I say "Xmas was as good as can be expected" I just expect them to move on really. I've only answered the question politely because I've been asked. My close friends know not to ask, but of course acquaintances don't know that.

yes bereavement during pregnancy is a mindfuck to all who experienced it. Honestly, DM's death was a million times easier than DF (for me, not her), basically I knew we were at the beginning of the end (despite DB and DSIL being all gung-ho about everything).

Bereavement during pregnancy, ☹️

Re shock or knowing, I’m guessing it’s just a shift in the timing of the awful. Watching my dad die over a period of weeks was so stressful, some days I wondered if I’d survive it. I have low blood pressure and it went sky high for those weeks. I just figured I was in a hospital all the time anyway so if I collapsed, it would be dealt with 🤷🏻‍♀️

if you put an asterisk at the start and end of a word, it appears in bold. You have to make sure there's no space between the asterisks and the bit you want in bold.

Feeling a bit low this afternoon. DS2 and his girlfriend left after lunch. If things go to plan for them they will have moved to Finland by the end of June. Which is great for them but I will miss them so much. We went to see my parents yesterday and it was awful. DS2 was in our car and DS1 followed shortly after. My mum was confused as to which son arrived with us so couldn't work out whether this was the girlfriend she hadn't met yet. DS2 girlfriend is Finnish, typically nordic in looks and has met my parents loads of times over nearly 6 years. DS1 girlfriend is Chinese. OH hasn't seen my parents for a few months and was shocked.

It's hard when the decline is so marked isn't it Country. Because we tend to see them all the time, perhaps it isn't as noticeable to us. But then others may see them on a good day.

Mind you, it's a confusing time of year for most of us, I keep having to remind myself what day it is.

Since my bollocking from my GP over my weight and general inertia being contributing factors to my high BP, I have been trying to get my steps in every day over the holidays, and have even dragged myself to the gym 3 times this week. Am determined to shift some of the lard.

notaflyingmonkey well done, I can lend a couple of lively spaniels if you need an additional incentive. 🐶🐶

I've been trying to explain to DH how much Mum had deteriorated but he has been so taken up with his dad assorted (and largely self inflicted) crises he hadn't taken it on board. We ended up having words yesterday evening about that. I hadn't been able to fix up a time for visiting my DPs until Monday because FIL needed him to sit with MIL while he collected the fancy new car we can't see how he can afford which annoyed me to start with. Then when I phoned mum on Christmas we day she had forgotten about our visit and on Boxing Day she phoned us having forgotten we had spoken the say before. DH knew this and also that she hadn't recognised me in a recent photo so I felt he should have been more prepared. As always seems to happen the conversation when we got home rapidly turned to his dad as it always does and I lost it just a little. Maybe calling FIL a "self centred attention leech" was going a bit far though and I did feel bad but at the same time justified in complaining that he gets so much attention from everyone but because my parents are more stoical (and don't do such stupid things) their problems get ignored.

countrygirl and that all needed saying and you sound driven to it.

Wanted to wish everyone on here, lurkers too, better things in 2020.
Sending strength, Teflon and cockroaches to all.
Thank you for being there.🌺🌺🍷🍷

I've had some tough times over the past couple of years, and the people on this thread have really helped me get through them, so thank you.

Best wishes to all for 2020 - I suspect we're going to need it.

Cockroach all x

Best wishes from me too for better things in 2020. I don’t post much these days, but knowing this thread is here is a comfort. Cockroach, all!

I echo what nota said. Best wishes to all for an as trouble-free as possible 2020. Happily, things are settling down a bit for me now as mother seems more content than she was in the care home. Long may it continue.

Happy New Year all, may it bring better things.

I did spend NYE at mum’s, though , last year it was so depressing I said I wouldn’t. But I did so....yeah..

Anyhoo, home sweet home now!

A belated happy new year to you all - may it bring some peace, health and happiness and maybe even some wealth if we are lucky. cockroach!