The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

Hug to all especially yolo.
Sorry I only seem to post when there's a drama but kinda tried to quietly appreciate the rare times of normality in between. Feels like ever since DM died in July we have lurched from one thing to the next. This week we have lost my very dear FIL following complications during a procedure on his heart. My family are devastated. Teenage DC struggling after such a recent first experience of loss ( and the very difficult relationship they had with DM) to now having to accept this awful news.
It's that feeling of constantly trying to pick yourself back up and carry on. There must be a limit to the number of times you can do that.

whatever I am so very sorry for your loss. No words can help but you know you can howl here if you want to. Big hugs.🌺🌺🌺
yolo so glad the treatment is nearly done. I understand what you mean re the house. Was it your childhood home?
Here things are v calm.... for now dm is out of the cycle of appointments/ consultants etc and is able to enjoy the spring flowers so I am very grateful for the good days.

Just after posting I got a call to say my DF was on way to hospital after falling out of bed! Now in a and e ( fortunately he seems fine!). So we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off again.

Saw this in active convos, so I’m just dropping in to hand out , , , supportive hand squeezes and cockroaches.

oh whatever!!!! Glad he’s fine....but it’s that always on alert feeling that drains so much.....🍷🍷☕️☕️🌺🌺
monica lovely to see you!

oh whatever that constant knife-edge, so draining. And so sorry about your loss of your FIL.
sandwich not my childhood home no, but she'd lived there 20 years so it is very familiar for the DDs.

Exactly right, thank you for summing it up, couldn't quite define it. Not just me it's watching the DC worry and time off work etc etc. Sounds selfish I'm sorry. I just want to be at home with DH, this week was harrowing with visits to London to see FIL . Hugs and strength to everyone xx

whatever sorry to hear that

Yolo good that house is sold. can you sell a house before probate? I don't know how it works.

I'm battling compassion fatigue. I really miss the days when all I had to do was ring my folks every other day and then drop in once a fortnight.

actually after I typed that out, I realised....it isn't compassion fatigue, I think it's just I can't spend so much time with another person.

it's not even that much time - 5 days gap - I just really struggle with that level of conversation and a lot of it is the kind of mundane chit chat I imagine I'd be fine with if I ever lived with someone.

grace the mundane chit chat is fine if people are out and about doing stuff and there is something to chit chat about! I used to find it so hard talking to mum, she was housebound and miserable and every convo used to come back to her - I know that sounds mean, but it is just how it was. Whatever I said/told her about me, or the DDs or DH, it came back to her, and it was bloody hard. And often if it was about the DDs, it became about how lax I am (they are nearly 23 and nearly 20!!) or about DH - well, lets not go there.

I raised with my DB the possibility of DM moving closer to him. He didn't say no, and raised it in turn with DM. Who today told me that she wouldn't.

The problem is, I can't keep up with providing the level of care that she needs. Plus, she is bored and lonely and in need of company, but refuses to go to any of the day centres etc, expecting me to provide it all for her.

I am planning on moving house in the summer, further away from her. So instead of being the daughter round the corner, I will probably be the same travelling distance away as DB is. So I am starting to put in place now some changes so that more of the things that I currently do get outsourced. She won't like it, but I am running out of choices. I think I have been ill pretty much constantly since Xmas, with a virus, then a chest infection. I'm exhausted pretty much all of the time, and find myself nodding off in front of the telly in each night like an oldie myself.

Where is the bloody joy in living like this.

yolo I find mundane chit chat difficult full stop, but she is very down as well of course.

I don't know, tbh there's probably a lot of underlying stuff here as well. I couldn't say this anywhere else, but having grown up with parents with health problems, I felt astonishingly lucky to have them both around when I was 40. Now I panic slightly in case mum lives another 10 years. I love her to bits and she is so sweet, but I feel that I can't help someone for another few years. Selfish I know. And I feel horribly guilty about that.

I am revisiting the idea of moving near to her. I wonder if it will be easier if I can pop by most days instead of staying there 2 days in a row. Also, she has - listen to me moaning about my diamond shoes - said that after dad's money comes through, she wants to give some to me. So although I couldn't afford to move out her way, after that, I probably could afford it - and my area is getting rougher by the day.

I'm not particularly anti drugs but there's something about seeing people doing deals openly in the street in broad daylight that is unnerving. I joked the other day (on another thread) about half the High Street reeking of weed, but it really does, and while it's kind of funny, it also kind of isn't.

monkey

does your mum know you're thinking of moving?

this is why my lovely mum keeps saying to me that it's not suitable for a 40something woman to be spending so much time with an 80 year old, I guess. Bless her, she is showing so much independence and I'm still whining.

thank you all for listening to me whine!

monkey also I hope you feel better - hugs to you.

nota you must do what is right for you and yours... however many hard choices that may present. I wouldnt have moved (for endless reasons) but being the 'daughter round the corner' presents so many problems at every stage. I know it sounds easy to say, but if you want to move then do it - you wont get another chance.
grace you just sound so bloody kind and lovely! I know I was not nearly either of those things with my mum, but again: this is YOUR life, live it the way that suits you.
Spent about an hour at mums today, finding bits of paper to photocopy and send to the conveyancing solicitor. Did DB do it? no. Would I expect him to do it from 250 miles away? no. Was it a PITA? hell yes!!

Have told DM that we are thinking of moving, but she immediately forgot. So to be honest it's not something that I am going to raise again until nearer the time, otherwise she will quiz me endlessly.

yolo thank you. Maybe I've totally lost perspective. I think I have some hormonal issues going on which is not helping. I'm sure you were fab to your mum, we probably just all feel our frustration bubbling underneath.

re your DB, I hope he's done some other stuff?

monkey yes I can understand you can't face the conversation again. Are you thinking of moving because of your mum? (which I would totally understand).

I really miss the days when all I had to do was ring my folks every other day and then drop in once a fortnight.

I so recognise this reaction to the different stages. I thought today, around 5pm when i used to phone my mother (after my father died) how i missed talking to her. Shes too deaf to be comfortable talking on the phone and too tired to do much more than snooze these days. Its a bit harsh to call it compassion fatigue, @Grace212 You, well, we, are grieving for what once was.

Better to have loved and lost, and all that sometimes helps me.

Sometimes , it's all about railing against the dying of the light

Finally, you reflect how I feel - grieving for what I have lost. Not so much with DM yet, she is not as far down the line as most of your parents, although there is a definite shift in me needing to do much more of the thinking as well as caring for her. It is 14yrs now, and the grief still catches me about what I have lost with DF, or what we lost when he was ill for the year before he died. I was so busy with everything going on, and it didn't really occur to me that he would die so soon. We were really close, and I can't help thinking he has missed so much with DC who he never met. I think that is what helps me carry on being patient with DM even though it is tiring sometimes, I don't want to feel like I wasted the time with her. I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like had it been the other way round, and DM went instead of DF, then I feel guilty for thinking that.

nota I agree I know that considering your own needs is hard but you really must do what is right for you and your own situation. There is only so much you can do.
Sorry for everyone who is feeling the relentless pressure at the moment. It helps to know you are not alone.

nota you must live your life- we get one shot at it. You sound completely broken🌺🌺
yolo hang on in there. You sound amazing.
grace please be really kind to yourself. It’s still such early days.
And don’t take permanent decisions too soon.
whatever, aunt and everyone I’ve missed out- it is so helpful to hear everyone’s honest feelings, saying the unsayable. Dm was talking today about the 116 year old Japanese woman...... I inwardly shuddered... wondered if her daughter’s round the corner are still around?????

re saying the unsayable....I suppose I had a lovely life, yes, I had to step in with various parental health issues before. But when there were two of them, it was so much easier.

I feel now that my next however many years will be about my mother. This is not her fault at all. It's that I am struggling to switch off. I have anxiety and depression generally, sort of lurking in the background as I have meds. So with work and mum, if you know the spoon theory - it's like all the spoons are used up with those two.

Oh grace I do know all about the spoon theory.... are You getting any help via counselling? I am sure your df and dm would not want you to feel like this.
🌺🌺🌺

Strength and patience to you all 💐

Please consider the saying 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'
In my opinion this is simply not true, and not written by a long time parent carer. So please take care of yourselves and your families.

oh I'm struggling tonight and not feeling amazing at all. DH has closed himself off from us all, I told him that I miss him (because he is basically in bed all day) and he said I could go and sit with him but I wouldnt want to. which is kind of true, because I am working my bloody arse off (various stuff including paid for work) but also because I am crap at sitting still, and he will have the telly on some bloody car programme while I twitch with boredom and he dozes. So I kind of cant see the point really? better to get the washing done/the housework (so far as I actually do it)/earn money etc etc and keep things on a fairly even track while I can. bah. cockroach all round.