The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

grace hahahaa! they brought a very nice bottle of red, which as he is not drinking at the mo.... but I can!

yolo I'm really befuddled by that level of useless. Are they healthy?

it reminds me of a friend who had major surgery a few years back and her parents visited her once, then talked a lot about how hard it was to see their daughter ill, then did nothing. At one point, my parents offered to have her stay through her recovery. In the end, she managed in her flat - which was better with reduced mobility - and regular visits from friends, but my parents' comments on her parents were....well, probably comments they'd make about your ILs.

what is the point of parents who don't help out at times of medical stuff....the mind boggles.

healthyish but old and have been pretty useless for years... too long to go into but I wouldnt expect anything from them. They did get the fish and chips for lunch. DH went back to bed at 3pm and is just up again now, feeling awful. They would probs like to help but honestly there is nothing they can do. TBH they probably cannot do wrong for right with me and that's been so for years. I actually quite like MIL and we have stuff in common, but FIL is a complete PITA. ho hum. DH now gone back to bed, I'd love to go to bed but would be awake at 3am so condemned to pootle round tinternet...

I'm pootling on tinternet, haven't even checked what's on TV.

had lunch with a friend today and was saying I'm a bit worried as I won't see mum till the weekend now. She looked at me like I was mad. She doesn't worry about her olds at all, she says. I wish I could do that.

It's little things with mum at the moment - yesterday we watched a film, which she might not do without me there. Then this morning I said to her "how about going in the garden" and she said "nah, don't feel like it" - she was just sitting thinking about dad. But then 20 mins later she said "oh you are right, I should go in the garden" and by the time I left for my lunch, she was looking brighter.

so I feel as if there's a certain nudge I can give to make her feel better, even though I can't take away her sorrow, of course. It's much easier to give that nudge while there than over the phone.

however, she and I have a busy week, I've got some freelance work starting, she's got some friends visiting, so instead of me doing the 90 min+ round trip mid week, she said to me "just relax that evening at home".

I should be grateful to have such a lovely mummy really! Well, I am...I just wish there was an "off" switch for all my worries.

sorry, that's 90mins+ each way, not round trip!!!

I'm really befuddled by that level of useless. I'm probably that level of useless. I find it really hard to imagine what other people in other circumstances would want me to do, and get into agonies of anxiety over doing or saying the wrong thing. I'm OK if people say "can you do this", but the one thing I pick up is that people at the end of their tether don't want to take on an additional management task. It's not selfishness, I don't think, I'm well-intentioned but socially incompetent.

Dint you have adult DC I think?

so if they were ill, you wouldn't ask "can I do anything to help?"

Oh fucksticks. My Dad was woken in the small hours by a policeman in the bedroom asking if his wife was missing. She had snuck out in nightie and slippers and left the door wide open.

No idea how far she got and it could have been far worse, but jesus.

Oh bert!!!!! That’s awful. Your poor parents- and what a shock for you.
cockroach to all.

oh jesus bert... how terrifying.
dint I dont think you would be useless actually, at all, I think you'd be a good person to talk to. PIL dont do talking (unless about their perfect daughter and her perfect children, or the lovely meals they've had blah blah blah). Not surprisingly, our DDs are less than keen, but I am always polite and do try my best. They did say yesterday perhaps better if they came little and often... which is a bit of insight, but actually DH would probably prefer they didnt come at all. Anyway, we wont have to see them for a good while now. And his sister! last seen on New Year's Day, not a bloody WORD to him by phone/text every since. Even my DB rings once a week and always asks after him...

Oh MrsBert you poor ddad must have been so startled, quite a test of the heart. Hope your dm is OK. Is it possible to have alarms if the doors are opened?

Yolo hope your dh is feeling better (atleast psychologically) now treatment has started. Hope you are coping despite relatives 😏.

so if they were ill, you wouldn't ask "can I do anything to help?" Yes, I would, but I wouldn't know what to do, and I'd be very anxious about doing the wrong thing. And people say that when they are ill, they don't want to have to be telling people what to do, they want them just to know what to do and to do it.

Different in an emergency - if person so incapacitated as to not really be in full control of their thinking, I can take over.

I've heard people saying "so-and-so was wonderful, she just came over with a casserole". Would anyone even want a casserole cooked by me?

yolo thanks

Dint oh that's completely different, I thought you were likening yourself to yolo's inlaws.

I always love food someone else has cooked

Dint, in my opinion you can't win this one. You just have too look in AIBU, people are upset because others call too often, too little - are seen as meddling, does not show enough interest etc.
All you can do is offer what you think you would like to receive yourself were you in a similar situation. Then ask if you are not sure. But take care not offering more than you can honor (tend to do that myself 😀).
Hope you don't see this as a lecture, it is coming from a good place as I recognize your problem.

bonsoir mes amis de les cockroach. I am sorry to dump this here, but am feeling very low, DH is really struggling with the treatment - think has been in bed all day and night since last Friday? and we are only 11 days in to 25 of chemo/radio. He is also so irritable, which is rubbing off on DDs (why the fuck they arent at uni I dont know - well I do, because DD1 has finished til she makes her film, and DD2 only required to be there 2 days a week - £9k a year!!)
So I am just doing the peace maker thing, plus driving DH to radio daily - 2 hour round trip at the minimum - and then trying to work, run house, walk dog, blah blah. I can tell he feels worse because he didnt criticise my driving once today, and only took a deep breath when I took a corner too fast once.
But FUCK!! In better news, we've accepted an offer on DM's house (£10k under asking price, but no chain either way); DB spoke to solicitor today who has clarified stuff about problematic HMRC form and apparently all being well we should have probate mid-April-ish.
Sorry to be doom and gloom, at least my oldie has moved on to better things, and I wish much love and support to you all who are still struggling

Lovely yolo, dump anything you like! And fingers crossed for a speedy sale.

I'm sorry you are going through that with your DH Yolo, are your DCs doing enough around the house to help out or just adding to your workload? Is it the effect of the treatment or is your DH's mood low?

MrsBert that sounds terrifying for your poor dad. Hope they are ok.

Yolo could you mark the halfway point of treatment with your DH somehow so that at least you know you are then counting down? Maybe he is struggling to rest/put a brave face on with the DCs around?

Cockroach all.

Good to hear about the house Yolo and I feel for you driving your DH on such long round trips for treatment.

My DH had what sounds like similar treatment in the late 90s, though he was allocated one of the inpatient rooms. He was extremely tired throughout and didn't do much more than attend treatment and sleep.

Fingers crossed that the treatment does its stuff however tiring the process.

Just calling in. Sorry to see things remain tough for thighofrelief and yolo, and belated thanks to sandwich for the thread. I recognise some names from the higher education thread, and a lot of new people. Welcome to the place no one want to be.

My mother had had dementia for a decade but someho is still in very sheltered housing. Apart from a big crisis 6 years ago, things have been relatively stable, though new issues keep coming up as her capacity declines. Her health is good so it is looking very possible that she could live to 100. She is almost 90 now. The biggest issue is the need to manage considerable assets, which others inevitably see as their inheritance. I have reached a point where I can be bothered to get angry, but was curious when DD said she did not want to attend my mother's birthday lunch because she did not want to see certain relatives. (She will do as I have set it up to be a thank you to my mums carer and the members of her family who have stepped in to help in various ways.)

I was on the origional thread, indeed have been on this board since it started, and it looks like I will be around for a while yet. Hence the break. Otherwise I feel I would be haunting you all.

Cockroach to all.

Mixed results of my making waves with various officials re DF
Social services have finally agreed to assess him under care act - I will bring up DoLS at the meeting
Have had a fair response to hospital complaint and may take them up on offer to meet to discuss further
CCG complaint response was appalling and disinterested - they ignored most of my points with non answers - so definitely a case for the ombudsman - I am not in mood right now so will check timescales and plan time for that
DM is much better physically but worsening with dementia - not yet at a not coping level but think we will all have to do more which I will struggle with
DF is still in nursing home - OT are coming out to assess home for possible future return although I’m not convinced it will ever happen
Got MDT meeting with rehab team next week for next steps discussion
I’m worn out with everything that needs doing - need to sort finance stuff next
Thankfully my job is not as intense for next month or so - good thing as I’m going for surgery myself next week and will be off for up to 2 weeks

yolo Sorry to hear that things are tough for your DH.

If your house is infested with uni students, I'd be sitting them down, laying out the stark facts of the current situation, and what they could do to help. My DC do not come up to AIBU standards of pulling their weight around the house, but responded wonderfully when my father went into hospital - explaining bluntly that their all-powerful mother is not coping shocked some sense into them.

Dint oh that's completely different, I thought you were likening yourself to yolo's inlaws. I was, really. Saying what looks like selfish disregard may actually be the outward manifestation of well-meaning cluelessness. Or maybe I'm just being unfair on myself - I'm good at that, result (or maybe cause) of lifelong depression.

yolo isn't it good having other adults to help though? I'm guessing they don't drive though? You might recall I said a friend had same stage and similar treatment schedule as your DH - her stepson is about 20, he doesn't live there but he came round every day after work and stayed weekends to help out. It reminded me of my hugely energetic early 20s with all dad's ill health, I do not know where I got the energy....youth?!

My friend was mostly in bed resting as well - she's bouncing around happily now with the all clear, think I mentioned that last time. So keeping everything crossed for your DH that his treatment has the same result.

Bert sorry, missed your comment - what a scare, sorry to hear that.

Jace you will need to pull back quite a lot then, I hope you get enough rest after your surgery.

Dint I bet you are lovely, it is clear that you are not at all useless!

jace that all sounds like a plate and a half, have etc from me.

The DDs are great, but neither drive (although keep promising to learn), and they are pretty well house-trained. DH has been better today, started taking the ibuprofen he was prescribed alongside paracetamol (well, durr...) and managed to stay up for about 45 mins after we got home at 7.30 and actually chat and laugh with us and DD's boyf, so that was a good evening in our current state of play.

Accepted the offer on DM's house, now trying to put a bomb under the probate solicitor - using a different one for the conveyancing.

Tonight's radio appt was 6.45 - wtf?? hopefully they will resort to better times now, as is quite a long drive up country roads and I dont like driving in the dark. Also DH the world's worst passenger!! cockroach