The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

Grace Thanks.

Just when you think everything's going well ... DF has now made the switch from rehab team to long term carers, and he doesn't like them "they speak to me as if I'm a moron". He didn't like the rehab team when they started, so I hope this is a passing phase.

Other problems on the domestic front which I'll spare you, but big problem - leg swelling. He swears he hasn't missed any diuretic tablets, and his charts suggest the same, but he refuses to let me make a GP appointment because he doesn't want to end up back in hospital. I don't know what to do. Do I ring GP for advice and betray his trust?

Dint there's a compromise, in that he could see the GP but if GP says "you need to go to hospital" he could refuse.

leg swelling - any heart related issues? This sounds a bit like the question thigh asked earlier - about her dad not wanting to go back to hospital and what could be done at home. Maybe different meds could be given.

I do understand why he can't face hospital.

Dint, I would contact gp to try and avoid readmission
yolo you have so much on. Your dc must be struggling too as they must see your dh so poorly.
Vent away here if it helps. 🍷🍷🌺
Good to see you need! Your advice always welcome.
cockroach to all.

Dint I'm not a medic, obvs, but maybe the swelling could be down to lack of mobility?

Also, it's been quite warm over the past few days, is he drinking enough?

Signs to watch out for are if the leg becomes hard, red or hot, as that could indicate celulitis.

I got one of the GPs to ring me today and she gave me advice, including doubling tablets for the time being. He's seems quite happy that I talked to them. In fact he seems more cheerful today, as do I, having taken a day off to do some studying and some voluntary work, so only had the two phone calls today, one from GP and one to Dad. Much more manageable!

I've just read a very helpful article from yesterday's telegraph about the effect of being estranged from a parent. It talks about the judgemental attitude of others when they learn you do not have a close relationship with your family member. Just thought I'd mention it as others may find it interesting reading too .

Just popping in to hope things are calmish for everyone.
☕️☕️🌺🌺

Thank you sandwich DM is safe and looked after. I spent a few hours there, no real chores for me to do and she mostly just sleeps, nowadays. Its a blessing really but i notice instead of enjoying it im feeling a bit useless and wanting to do things. Must just be grateful.

I'm very grateful to this thread, it's a very helpful reminder that what our parents really want, or even what we would want for them, would be to have their youth and vigour back.

Being safe and cared for is what there is to be now.

Thanks whatever, shall look out for that article.

Glad to hear your dm is safe and being cared for finally- perhaps now it is hitting you because you have headspace. 🌺🌺

My FIL has been offered a room in the care home of his choice and should be moving in within the next 2 weeks. DH has been doing a regular 200 mile round trip to start getting things organised. It will be so much better once he is 2 miles away!

I have question. I believe all his clothes will need to be labelled. Anyone know the best labels to buy? I want iron on ones if possible. Thanks

That's good news Apollo, I'm sure your FIL will feel much happier round the corner from you as well.
I tried a couple of types of iron on labels for DC school clothes and they didn't last many washes on 30 temp as they peeled of, so resorted to sew on ones. I'm not sure whether the home would use a normal temp or higher when doing their washing. Alternative would be sharpie on the clothes labels - would be hidden when wearing, though I appreciate that doesn't look as good.

Finally think I missed something, has DM been ill?

Thank you sandwich

Sorry Grace DM has not been exactly ill but loads of appointments for one thing and another. Mostly as the GP described it her ticker is running down. She had been living independently for some six or so years since DF died. We have noticed that she needed (not necessarily wanted) ever more help

For the last four weeks she has had a live in companion (a fifteen day rotation) DM is fretting (over nothing) much less but then it can't be easy to share a house with a stranger, however kind they are. DM struggles with seeing and hearing and was never able just to say straightforwardly what she wants, preferring us to just know what she wanted. A bit of a challenge for any stranger coming in but trivial in the scheme of things.

I'm reminding myself that she is safe, well fed and not alone. Thanks lovely people for helping me understand how many blessings I have to count and that DSis who lives closer and upon whom the main burden rests can enjoy her holiday.

Finally that sounds tough on everyone. What age is your DM?

good that you have a helpful sibling.

DM is 92, a pretty good innings, too.

And an excellent role model of looking on the bright side and not complaining.

Apollo google snappytags. Not cheap but the current favourite of last two carehomes. These are plastic top & tail reusable buttons. Requires purchase of applicator gun. Fiddly and not great for socks. However, DM has mostly retained all her clothes. Tip: Label his glasses and keep a photo of them.

Thanks Fortysix. They look great.

good news re the home apollo, it should make life so much easier doing 2 miles rather than 200.
finally we found DM just slowed down before it all went really tits up...
grace and jace how are you both doing?

Bloody filthy weather here, I have had to do the ironing and some housework today so help me god. Our dryer has died, usually DH would fix it just by looking at it but not at the mo. So have pinched mum's airer thing and am sticking the odd load in her dryer as and when. Usually I wouldnt really be that bothered, but DH gets through a lot of pants at the mo (sorry, TMI, but bowel cancer really IS shit). Only 11 more days of treatment to go, spread over next 2 weeks and the following Monday. cockroach one and all.

yolo cockroach indeed 😀

Finally aw, that's good. my mum is also an excellent role model, if only I had inherited her patience and kindness.

Just checking in- how are we all? yolo on the countdown I hope.
Sorry can’t namecheck all but thinking of you all... 🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫 and cockroach as required !

Don't be toooo hard on yourself Grace we need to be kind to ourselves

This advice comes to you from the school of easier said than done

Finally "This advice comes to you from the school of easier said than done"

that made me lol

Is Jace having surgery this week, I hope she's all right. General group hug also

Group hug to all also. How are the mouldy oldies doing? Mum's house is sold STC (am aware there is many a slip twixt cup and lip) so starting to think about selling some of the furniture that no one wants. Ercol table and 6 dining chairs, antique linen fold oak dresser etc. Need to get DD1 to come and take photos for me. DH only got 6 more days of treatment left, worked out today that I will have driven 1100 miles just to get him to radio and back. What an exhausting thought. I think the sale of mum's house may be what hits me, I quite often go round there with ddog and pootle about and just sit down quietly... I guess when it goes it will be end of an era time.
cockroach to all.