The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

sandwich thank you

I think counselling would just feel like another thing to do. My mum is very keen that I go and do what she considers "normal things for your age" But I cut back my social life massively a couple of years ago, because I do much better with peace and quiet. So actually even when I didn't have the responsibility of looking after stuff for her, I was out of spoons.

yolo cross post

I feel for you. Would it make sense to say you are taking ten mins together to just have a cuddle while he dozes?

Yolo that sounds really tough. Does your DH have a bit more energy in the day? Do you have any quality time with him at the moment, or are you in the limbo time waiting for him to recover a bit after the treatment has finished?
116 that would be another almost 40yrs if that was DM - I think I would just emigrate!

Oh Yolo you sound so much like a strong, caring, funny woman. Just being shit at from above ( or below). Is there anyway your dh could lie in the living room. It is so isolating being in the bedroom, you don't have to do anything but dose of, and you don't participate in anything. Imo the quick way to feeling sorry for yourself. Could you run it by him perhaps you could find a solution to fit both of you.
Best of luck and kind thoughts.

yolo I am sorry you are feeling rubbish. Some wise words here- could you even use headphones/ iPad to watch what you wanted? Just to be together for a bit.
We all think you are awesome. 🌺🌺
cockroach all

ach, it's hard. no quality time at all at the moment, and he prefers to be in our bedroom as we have an ensuite, plus he is uncomfortable sitting rather than lieing down. I'm sleeping in DD2's room at the mo because he is up and down every hour during the night and if I'm in there he says I snore (wtf???!! ) so he has no chance of getting back to sleep. Basically he is in bed all day unless we have hospital trip (6 more days of those); he gets up when he wants some breakfast (plus chemo tabs), goes back to bed, gets up for a sandwich, goes back to bed, then up for something to eat in the evening before chemo tabs. Working out a way to eat together is impossible, as is working out what he might want to eat so I can cook it for him. I honestly dont know what to do, but am hoping that in 3 weeks or so (post treatment) he will feel better and start to reengage with life. Although we will then be in the limbo of waiting for next MRI scan and surgery planning... Honestly, if mum was still alive I have no idea how I could possibly cope with that as well. Her death was a blessed relief in so many ways - most of all for her.

I am revisiting the idea of moving near to her. I wonder if it will be easier if I can pop by most days instead of staying there 2 days in a row. You need to judge the distance carefully, so you can pop by easily (including on foot if you ever want to feel free to have a glass of wine) but so that she can't easily pop by on you. It sounds really mean, but one gets a sinking feeling seeing an elderly parent standing by the doorbell - you're always on edge because so often it's not a simple "pop by for a cup of tea and a chat". And you need to have some escape from the caring role.

Dint I can imagine!

it would not be walking distance - she doesn't walk far anyway, but where she lives is all houses, I'd have to be at least 20 mins walk away to get a flat. More likely is I'd end up a bus ride away and she doesn't do public transport. Though she is thinking of starting....but the point would be to pop round most days anyway so I would hope that wouldn't occur to her to just turn up at mine.

it doesn't sound mean at all - I don't do people dropping in anyway. I am the MNer who doesn't answer the doorbell.

Yolo sounds like your family has had a rough ride of it recently. I hope your DH picks up when the treatment finishes. Poor sod, and poor you. All sounds grim.

Dear yolo I feel for you and your family.

DH had radiotherapy at the Marsden as an inpatient. He was afraid he would be bored but, like most of those going through the treatment, found that he mostly slept from one treatment to the next.

At mealtimes, it was not unusual for more than one person to fall asleep face down in their food.

My mother used to say 'this too will pass'.

I need to RTFT, been a bit out of the loop but hope everyone is hanging in there. I'll have a read and get caught up.

Just wondered if anyone else has lost friends because they can't understand how our lives work now? A couple of my 'friends' (well, I call them that, but...) have definitely been treating me differently since this has all started up. It's like they feel awkward around me now, and I don't think my dwindled ability to socialise has helped. They're always claiming I can talk to them if it helps, but a recent mild 'vent' on my part about life feeling tricky atm (not even a request for advice) was met with 'I don't think we're the right people to help you with this' followed by a patronising enquiry about whether I'd ever tried mindfulness FFS! (Not dissing mindfulness there, I do practise it as best I can, it was the patronising tone of the question that p'd me off.)

We're all the same age, they have health challenges of their own (partly why their attitude has surprised and disappointed me so), but, happily for them, they both have both parents still healthy and it seems to have opened up a massive gulf between us. Maybe they're just scared because my situation reminds them of their own parents' mortality, which I'd understand, but it's more that the friendships feel shallow now. It feels like they're still stuck in a world of handbags and shopping and bitching about other women (for context, we're all childless but we're also all in our 40s and 50s FFS!! lol) and don't know how to relate to me now I have bigger stuff on my plate.

Anyone else experienced this in friendships?

bringincrazyback

btw, your username cheers me up because I start singing the song - but I may be making a massive assumption about your username there!

re friends - wouldn't say that exactly, but I was already introverted and it's hit my social skills because I just feel like I have nothing to say.

For the people who aren't going through it, to some extent I think there's no point them fretting about something that might never happen to them. For the people who are going through it, they often don't want to talk about it.

I did have one thing with a friend that I didn't want to talk to - but eventually I did say to her that we had concerns dad was losing his sight before he died (he wasn't actually, I think things were just shutting down). When I apologised for telling her, she said "don't worry, we have had all these appalling things with grandparents, but we don't talk about it, so you're not telling me anything shocking".

I didn't have grandparents so I have no context in that way.

anyway, the short version of that is that I think people don't want to talk about it and I completely understand why. This board has been a lifesaver.

I find huge amounts of time on MN and binge watching stuff is the most helpful thing.

bringincrazyback
Yes I have been there 😀. With the friend i talked to the most, really tried not to vent to her, but of course she knew my situation. When I told her I was given ADs because everything just came crashing down, I didn't hear from her until after my ddad had died, more than 6 months later. I think with her it was that I didn't have the mental energy to listen to her. But in this situation we are not our usual cheerful selves and maybe we just are not that fun to be around. (Naturally).
I socialize with her now, but for me the friendship will never be the same.

I think most people are afraid of confronting the issues, and the horribleness that goes alongside. The petty bureaucracy, the very hard to process emotions, the amount of juggling that goes on, the knife edge you are living on. Really listening to someone doing it, and thinking about the fact that you might have to do it soon and have to cope - better/worse/not at all brings it far too close to home.

I am very forthright - which was the cause of the 'argument' between DB and his family and I. It seems I should have stuck with the 'she's a lovely old lady, she's going to be fine' when a. she wasnt always, and b. it was clear to me that she wasnt going to be fine at all. From my pov I was providing a healthy dose of reality, from their's I was cruel and heartless. The actual truth is probably somewhere between the two...

I think it must be difficult though to put yourself in that situation - it's not quite as easy as saying "I'm sleep deprived because I have a young baby" kind of thing. It's the drain on mental energy and the feeling that you need to be there for that parent that is difficult to explain to someone - I've had close friends (with healthy parents) who when I've had a bit of a whinge have suggested to just step back a bit and don't visit- I just can't do that when she is relying on me and has probably not talked to anyone else that day.

I honestly don't think people can understand what it is like unless they have lived through it.

The stress alone of 'mum' popping up on the incoming call on my mobile, because I know it could be any one of a number of problems that I need to deal with. Or the call from her Dr asking if I have done anything yet about x. I was in a team meeting recently and one of the ground rules was to turn our phones off. I wittered on about being unable to. Most people in the room have two healthy parents who think I am probably neurotic.

The time a colleague persuaded me to go for a G&T after work one night, and my mobile rings, it's DM having locked herself out and expects me to drop round with the spare key. I think I cried.

The tyranny of the bloody mobile. It means you can never truly relax.

Yes- the lurch in the pit of your stomach when you get an unexpected call- and automatically go into high alert mode.........
But as you say, others don’t get it, and perhaps darent think about it. We live in an area where most of the neighbours have been here forever- and we watch their declines.
cockroach all.

Four and a half months since mum died, and I am finally able to not panic when the phone rings, to think it might be something nice not just the latest disaster.

I think avoiding all communication is the answer! If it's not news of the latest drama its someone trying to be all caring and nice!! Can't handle it! Yolo thinking of you x

Got phone call from district nurses on Tuesday to say they felt Dad wasn't safe in his home - he seems to have had another fall on Sunday - and needed to move into care. Surprisingly, he agreed! So decided on emergency placement while we look for longer term place. So it's been a very busy couple of days.

Capped, yesterday, by DNs saying they weren't happy to leave him on his own and he needed someone (me) with him overnight - else ambulance (and we all know how hopeless ambulance and A&E are in dealing with non-life-threatening elderly falls). So I spent Tuesday night on his floor - does our social care really rest on requiring a nearly-70-year-old woman to sleep on the floor (without a mattress)?

Fortunately, once I'd made it clear that two nights on the floor wasn't an option, they found a place for him. Not ideal (mainly dementia, so he's not going to have much social contact), but local, and staff seem caring and competent. I'm just having a breather before sorting out his house (emptying fridge, dealing with security) and taking him in things we didn't pack yesterday - radio, alarm clock etc.

And just to add to the fun our dishwasher has packed up and our central heating has been Condemned (hole in the flue).

jesus dint... the DNs couldnt do the night on the floor? etc

Oh dint you poor sausage! You must be wrecked- plus the household c@#£ too. 🍷🍷☕️☕️🌺🌺🍫🍫and a hug from me. Hope the care home looks after him well.

Dint sending energy from here too. Please can someone explain why it's never one crisis at a time?? It seems often that you are just dealing with one thing and it seems really big,and then along comes the next which makes the first look relatively quite manageable!!!

whatever I think it might be called the snowball effect? We were honestly doing ok-ish til mum fell on June 7 and it went from bad to worse to worser... I know I can tell you lot, I am so bloody relieved she is dead. She hated her life; and I couldnt have coped with her, DH being ill, the DDs struggling to cope and DB's shit, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown.

Yolo yes that's true. As you know my DM died in July and my immediate reaction was of relief that the strain of dealing with her was over. I've been feeling like it's been never ending drama since that but you are right to make me see how much worse dealing with the other drama would have been if she has still been here. We have had moments of calm between the storms but sometimes it harder to remember those.