The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

@Apollo

One of my favourite things about this thread is how it encourages us, in an entirely supportive way, to put our own troubles in context.

Without it, I would easily be resenting even a little my mother's claims on our time, as indeed the roles have swapped Even with live in companion carer, there are still daily questions and things to resolve.

Thanks all for the cockroaches

Yes it is really reassuring to see how other people cope. Dr this morning wasn't able to come up with anything - bloods were all normal, just blood pressure through the roof. She did refer DM to the memory clinic, so that is a step forward. DM was a bit rude about the GP suggesting she might be depressed!

Good news from me for a change DM was discharged today I collected her and took her straight to visit DF in nursing home - their reunion was very touching and all the staff made a real fuss of her too!
I managed to get SS to allocate SW to DF and they have agreed to assess him within next 3 weeks
Also had a response to one of my 2 complaints - I will consider it at my leisure as there are a few inaccuracies where I suspect things have been altered and I have proof to the contrary eg photos and films which show date and time
However they have actually admitted things were not ideal and have apologised
My response will reflect this but I will require evidence of how they intend to ‘learn lessons’ and will follow up in a few months time to see if they have actually carried any of them out!

Tomorrow I’m having a day off n going up to the Lake District with DP for the day before resuming elder duties on Sunday
I’m having surgery myself in a few weeks (at a different hospital trust who I have more faith in) and will be off work and on light elder duties for at least a week - I’m actually looking forward to it just to get a rest!

I have had such great value from this thread, i don't expect to be able to pay you back in kind, but would like just to remind you that when you are the patient, to not feel guilt6 about accepting help and not feeling as if you should be an unlimited supply of support.

And empty jug and all that . Kindest regards and thanks xx

Hey Madaunt.

Don't feel you have to apologise for your mum. I have been dealing with my mother's ever increasing randomness for years now, and most people twig, and are generally kind. And if they don't, well, screw 'em.

I don't usually MrsBert - have "laughed" it off for a long time (whilst cringing inside), but this recent incident was just too bad to ignore as it was a racist comment towards someone who doesn't know us well but who are involved with DC, and I really don't want them thinking that I/ my DC are of a similar opinion. Her comments seem to have tipped recently from an "older generation, mildly off/ outdated" to offensive.

Oh heck. Yes, the racist bits are a bit harder to style out! Happily, so far my mother seems considerably less racist than when she was allegedly in full possession of her wits. Small wins.

That sounds good! Unfortunately DM enjoys reading the daily m which skews her opinions somewhat

there is a poor woman on AIBU whose DM is going to pass shortly and is struggling with hospital bureacracy (sp?) and inefficiency. At the same time there is another thread about how older people are treated in hospital. It's all bloody heartbreaking. cockroach all round chaps.

jace enjoy your day off- you really deserve it!
🌺🌺🍷🍷toall with your challenges. Really recognise the negative conversations, and the “ generational racism” .
cockroach all.

At the same time there is another thread about how older people are treated in hospital. It's all bloody heartbreaking. cockroach all round chaps. I don't know whether I'm naive or whether we were just lucky, by my father seems to have been reasonably well treated in hospital. His health improved, he was cheerful, and he was lauding the quality of the food (1). Someone from the family visited him almost every day, but we certainly weren't sitting around with him all day to keep an eye on his care. Maybe I have low expectations.

(1) it helped me when I arranged meals on wheels for him because I was able to say truthfully that the supplier was the same one the hospital used.

Dint

My parents have been hospitalised a few times over the years. It sounds like you've been lucky but I don't know how many times your dad has been in.

the time before dad's death was an improvement on the time before, but the hospital had been put in special measures by then.

btw did anyone see the Giles Fraser article?

it's mostly attracted criticism because of the Brexit issue but I found his attitude to family and elderly the real shocker tbh

twitter.com/giles_fraser/status/1098896087425912832

''It is the daughter of the elderly gentleman that should be wiping his bottom. This sort of thing is not something to subcontract.''

Wanker.

Good Lord what a load of horseshit!

Of course, had the large numbers of British retirees who have chosen to retire overseas been allowed to vote, the outcome might have been different.

it's such a load of horseshit, leaving politics aside, where to start?

he's effectively saying no one should leave wherever they grew up, also the comments about elderly people in care because no one talked them into Dignitas are insulting to about everyone I can think of....if it wasn't for the political angle I'd think he'd written it to generate publicity but actually tying the whole thing to the current political situation, WTAF.

he was a 99%er back in the day apparently...confusing.

I've just read that article. Horseshit is indeed the right word. As is wanker. Wonder what a certain N.Tebbit might have had to say, along with 'get on your bike to get a job'... WHY is it always the women who are expected to do the caring? Nah, dont bother answering, we all know why...

Hello everyone, I'm sorry I've been away so long. Things are tough with Dad and I haven't felt able to read or write anything "real" on MN for a while. I'll catch up on everything you've been dealing with before i post more xx

Hellloooothigh so good to see you! So sorry to hear things are really crap for you.
Here whenever you want to talk( plumps cushion and pours coffee laced with something else) ☕️☕️🍷🍷🌺🌺
cockroach all

Sorry thigh to hear things have been difficult.

'It is the daughter of the elderly gentleman that should be wiping his bottom.'' Not the son, of course.

Hi Thigh. Extra cockroaches for you.

One does wonder what horseshit man thinks should happen to the shitty bottoms of old gents who were feckless enough not to sire a few mares for this purpose.

hey thigh we'll all budge up a bit and add cushions and until you are ready to talk. PIL came for lunch today; we had fish n chips from the village as I cba to cook and DH not well enough. They mean well, I KNOW they mean well, but oh thank fuck they have gone now!!

thigh sorry to hear that. I hoped you were just busy running the dictatorship republic

MrsBert indeed, as a childfree by choice woman, I shudder to think what Fraser thinks of me and my ilk!

yolo I think I know the answer already but did your in laws make themselves useful in any way? I can't imagine visiting someone undergoing chemo etc and not being useful - clearly they didn't cook, or bring food?