The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

[JaceLancs]

Good morning everyone
@thighofrelief101 at this hospital after someone has been in for 3 weeks (and paid £90) you can apply for reduced cost parking at £2.50 a day but only applies to one person per patient
If you pay per visit instead of weekly it’s £10 a day!!!
I also had to pay local delivery firm to get DF wheelchair to hospital as they have no contingency for things like that

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Jace Grrreat! That's shit, i understand they want to encourage public transport use and prevent commuters and shoppers using the car park but caring and having long term ill relatives kicks the arse out of any earning power anyway. I'm so tired of this country not looking after the most vulnerable. We are lucky to have as much as we do, but it's still shit.

[JaceLancs]

Good luck with everything monkey sounds like you have found your inner strength
I’m going back on diet tomorrow when I return to work
2019 is going to be the year I get to my target weight! I’m currently about 1.5 stone away (having lost nearly 7 stone from my fattest)
My next biggest challenge is work, I work in a senior role for a charity who provide support re sickness or disability including elderly with dementia
Our funding runs out in April and I have to write successful fundraising applications over the next few weeks and months to ensure that we can continue with our valuable work and that I and my colleagues have a job for the next few years
The pressure is immense and may well tip me over at points
Today I’m feeling positive let’s hope it lasts

[notaflyingmonkey]

Same here thigh and because I am constantly miserable, I am the size of a house. Have even been thinking about going out for a run tonight under cover of darkness. Can't decide if that is the coffee speaking though.

Hospital parking costs are a national disgrace. My mum was in hospital for a lot of 2017, at one stage for 10 weeks. One of the things I used to do whilst sitting in traffic on the way to visit was to do the maths in my head about how much it costs vs profits made.

[Iamdanish]

Thigh
So many benefits from kale, the best one is that nobody wants to be around the smell afterwards 😏.

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Danish that's a very effective way of getting me time! Going to look for a village hall type exercise class, something cheap and common like me. Nowt fancy.

[Windgate]

Happy New Year. Had my first call from the care line. DM fell over. Got her sorted, no damage done.

[Onedayatatimethistime]

Settling myself in for what will be a long ride. For those who haven't read my thread dm(86) is soon to be discharged to us (dh & I) after cancer has spread. Already received so much support on here. Wishing everyone the best x

[Grace212]

thigh thanks for asking - I think mum is doing better, or trying to put a brave face on in front of me, which I appreciate.

Impressive resolutions here - I never make any...perhaps I should resolve to be more patient! Definitely not a quality I possess.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

2019 is the year Monkey seizes the cockroach. I like that! I'm going to emblazon it on the kitchen whiteboard. There's something inspiring in its incomprehensibility.

Overheard, one ambulance worker to the other re my Dad "he's very well-spoken, isn't he?" He was getting a lot of admiration from medical staff for his independence (and admiration for his previous profession) - it does me good to see other people's reactions to him. I get so much of the everyday irritation that I lose sight of what a special man he is.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

DS2 is visiting him in hospital today. I spent this morning in bed in semi-conscious drowsing nursing my sore throat and cold, and feel a good deal better as a result.

[grannycake]

Happy new year from a long time lurker. My MIL finally accepted she needed to be in a care home last year and the relief from regular emergencies has been great. She looks much happier and healthier and we can go on holiday without dreading the phone call that we need to come back. We look like we have sold her house and that will mean she should be able to continue to be cared for until her eventual death. What I have learned is that I don't want to get that old and will be refusing treatments past 75 yrs old

[MereDintofPandiculation]

granny I know exactly what you mean about the phone calls! And agree with your sentiments re refusing treatments - no way am I having the pneumonia jab. There's a reason why it's called the "old man's friend".

[JaceLancs]

Visited DF back in his care home this afternoon but he was asleep
DM had been to visit him earlier though and they’d both joined in with New Year’s Day party and activities
DS is going to collect DM shortly as I’ve invited her for dinner and we will keep her occupied later with cards and dominoes

[yolofish]

It is 2 months to the calendar day since DM died. Today we hosted my PIL and one of their friends, plus SIL and her 2 (adult-ish) children, so 10 people in all for a pretty lovely (if I say so myself) lunch - all stops pulled out etc.

NOT ONE of them asked me about my DM, or how I felt, or how I was doing with sorting the house etc. I would have liked them to acknowledge that she wasnt with us this Christmas for the first time in donkeys years, or at least to notice some of her bits and pieces round our house, or her jewellery I am now wearing. or fucking SOMETHING.

I dont actually miss DM that much, her last 5 months of life were totally horrendous and she was in a lot of pain and so unhappy that her death was nothing but a blessed relief for her as much as for us... but I would have liked an acknowledgement from DH family that things had changed dramatically, I am an orphan, and the DDs have lost a much loved Grandmar (their spelling!). Sorry, that's all a bit mememe.

[AChickenCalledKorma]

yolofish my Mum died two days after yours. I'm having exactly the same experience with relatives. We have had my dad staying since early December, to help him get through Christmas. He and I are the only people that have mentioned Mum over the entire Christmas season. I took him to visit mum's only sister, and we've also spent three days with DH's family. None of them have seen Dad since Mum's funeral and I really thought they would help support him through this first Christmas alone, but it seems as if everyone else has forgotten how shit things were this time last year and that he and I might be struggling a bit.

I'm sorry you're having the same experience. Don't worry about being "mememe" . It's a hard day and you've done amazingly to host them at all. (I also pulled out the stops to make a lovely pudding today ...... it was a good excuse to be alone in the kitchen and be as grumpy as I wanted!,)

[yolofish]

chicken I feel for you. I made a most excellent plum crumble, with masses of amaretto chucked over the plums, and amaretti biscuits crushed up into the topping, served with clotted cream. The leftovers are my supper tonight!

DH family are like 'if you dont talk about it it didnt/wont happen'. which is rubbish, as DH currently has stage 3 bowel cancer... but still, if you can gloss over everything and talk about the last meal out you had/how the drive here was/where you are going on your next fancy holiday it's all absolutely fiiiiine.

[Grace212]

ooh I would love some plum crumble

so I thought we were doing okay....unfortunately something very stressful happened this afternoon and now mum's anxiety has gone through the roof again. Poor mum. Unfortunately she is taking it as an omen because of it being New Year's Day.

[yolofish]

oh grace poor you, and your poor mum. sending you virtual plum crumble (but not much because there's only a couple of spoonfuls left!)

[AChickenCalledKorma]

Mmm plum crumble a la yolofish sounds lush. I'm sure all these relatives do care, really, but just haven't a clue what to say. My aunt did comment that Dad looked "better than last time I saw him". Since the last time she saw him was actually during his wife's funeral, this probably ranks among the all time highest statements of the bleeding obvious.

[notaflyingmonkey]

I think Brits are truly awful at dealing with those suffering grief. We have no set ways of speaking, or behaving, so we cast around instead for something to say 'you look well' or 's/he had a good innings' type of thing. I can remember when I went back to work after burying my dad and one of my colleagues asking if I had a good week off, as he couldn't manage to say anything more relevant.

My DH is forrin and in his culture everyone knows the set things to say, what to do during the period of mourning, etc. Seems much more humane.

[whatever45]

Yolo and Chicken same here. My kinda well meaning MIL wished me a happy new year and that it will be a better year for me that last year! Umm well I'm assuming that your DM can only die unexpectedly once!

[pineapplebryanbrown]

it astonishes me that the world continues to turn no matter what people are going through. It sometimes feels like a parallel universe with no one saying a thing.