Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

986 replies

thesandwich · 31/12/2018 19:37

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

OP posts:
whatever45 · 02/01/2019 21:43

One day so sorry, sending a huge hug. X

Original poster
thesandwich · 02/01/2019 22:03

Oh dint that’s awful. Hassle, but please complain. It is only the elderlies with middle aged oldie wranglers like us to fight for them who can change thingsfor the ones with no voice. 🌺🌺

OP posts:
mikado1 · 02/01/2019 22:18

Thank you Iamdanish, you're very kind Flowers

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/01/2019 22:52

I suppose what was more serious was that they didn't send his medication home, but that got sorted easily. But what if he didn't have me around? He'd have carried on taking his regular meds from stock, but would have been without the rest of the course of antibiotics for his pneumonia. So presumably that would have worsened, this time with antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

Maybe he's not so far from the truth when he tells me he wouldn't be alive without my help.

Anyway, I guess they realise they should be more careful making sure they send meds (it's cost them a £25 taxi) so I'll not complain about that. But having blankets in the ambulance for inadequately clad patients is a basic and obvious thing they should be doing, so I've put together a complaint about that.

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/01/2019 22:56

I need to remember to keep on top of it. My diary is full of entries "should have had acknowledgement of payment by today" "should have had response from X by today". And everything I'm dealing with has a folder with all correspondence and phone calls dated and documented. So much admin!

pineapplebryanbrown · 03/01/2019 00:11

Thank goodness you have your marbles Dint what a terrible lapse in basic common sense caring for your poor Dad, disgraceful.

Detoxpup · 03/01/2019 14:54

Can I join you brilliant lot?

Had an interesting Christmas dominated by my elderly DM's mood, anxiety and then finished off with hallucinations due to UTI. Trying to get any medical care over the holidays was hard but hopefully things will settle down to a new normal- what ever that is.

She has been very low mood for a long time now and has some cognitive issues finds it hard to do things and takes a long time to complete simple tasks. Dr does not think she has dementia but we have pushed for a memory test.

She constantly phones with "emergencies" and "can't go on like this" so I have arrange respite care in a care home. She has lived alone for 30 years so it was quite a mission to get her to agree however tomorrow is her assessment and she is miraculously better, doesn't need to go and everything is now fine........

Grace212 · 03/01/2019 15:03

dint I'd ask what they were thinking- but clearly they weren't!

detoxpup sorry to hear this. how long is the respite for? Do you mind if I ask how old your mum is?

Detoxpup · 03/01/2019 15:30

Grace212 she is 85 we haven't decided on length of respite. On good days she is great and fine but these are very few and far apart. I feel she needs support and hope that if we could find the right home she may stay. She appears not to agree

Dint I hope you DF is ok after his ordeal

Mere my diary is looking very similar to yours

One day I am so sorry how traumatic for you all.

MrsBertBibby · 03/01/2019 17:22

I 'm so sorry about your dog Oneday. And quite incensed about the chilly passengers and missing drugs.

Anyone have tips for a good and nice nourishing drink? Mum is avoiding food. Dad thinks she is losing weight. Want to suggest a shake type drink to see if she will have that. Any ideas?

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/01/2019 18:17

Detox Sorry about your Mum, she sounds a lot like my Dad in some ways.

Dad is fine after his ordeal - as my teenage son said many years ago about him "In the last 5 years he's written off two cars, had two heart attacks and pneumonia - he's indestructible". I let him talk uninterrupted this pm to the reenablement coordinator, to give her a glimpse of what we are up against, but she took it all in her stride. I guess she's seen a lot.

I used to grumble that if I dropped in for 5 mins to deliver a cake, I'd be stuck there 3 hours being talked out. Now if I drop in for 5 mins, I end up changing his incontinence pad, cleaning his bum and re-dressing his bedsores. Where did I sign up to this?

MrsBert you could try something simple like an Innocent smoothie - nice to drink and full of calories. Once they're getting really old, the guidelines on healthy eating don't apply in the same way. Anything that builds up to a bad effect doesn't really matter, because something else will have got them first. So her enjoyment comes first, quality of the nutrition second. They'd try to get my Mum to drink special high nutrition shakes for the elderly, but she hated them and refused to touch them.

Also think why your Mum is refusing food - it can mean the beginning of the end, as with my Mum. With hindsight, it would have been preferable to just leave her be. Same end result, possibly reached more quickly, but pleasanter for her than being nagged to eat.

Grace212 · 03/01/2019 18:34

Dint what happens about those tasks on days you don't go round?

Bert my mum has lost about 2 stone in 2 years. My dad insisted on taking her to the doc, but nothing was found. She just seems to be getting smaller and smaller with age. is that maybe happening to your mum?

yolofish · 03/01/2019 20:06

dint I doubt they will even notice the £25 taxi fare for the meds - and how on earth you organised that I dont know, and bow down to you for it. they'd have said 'fuck off' down here... or call your gp in the morning.

mrsbert totally agree re no bad calories for oldies - anything they will eat/drink, the fuller fat/higher protein the better just to keep them going. But I also agree that the refusal or reluctance to eat/drink can be the beginning of the end, I think it was with my mum. I think that at a certain point they just lack the will... I hope not the case for your mum, but it's worth being able to understand. I fed my mum in the hospital very often, but I think now, what was the point? she didnt want the food, it prolonged her suffering in a way.

Grace212 · 03/01/2019 20:24

food in hospital and food when you are home are very different things though aren't they. once dad refused food, I stopped feeding him even though the hospital carried on trying to - trying being the operative word. It seemed clear to me that he was on his way out about a fortnight before the hospital accepted it.

Onedayatatimethistime · 03/01/2019 20:41

Mrsbert (can't do bold on phone), dm used to enjoy strawberry complan with full fat milk - had to stop as her blood sugar went too high after a while. There's also ensure on prescription that she enjoyed. Don't know whether either would be suitable for your dm. As dint said though all depends on why she's not eating.

Grinchly · 03/01/2019 21:12

Oh oneday I am so sorry about your lovely dog. What a terrible shock. My boy dog died this time last year very suddenly when M was in hospital/ rehab and the roads (2 hr round trip) were iced over. It was all a bit of a surreal nightmare. Mother was utterly vile and selfish about it and I will never forgive her.

She is still here though, and he is not, and so it goes on. And on. Hit a record last Friday of 26 calls made or received about her. Before lunchtime.

cockroach all.

yolofish · 03/01/2019 21:15

cockroach to you grinchly. 26 calls before lunchtime is insane.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/01/2019 21:32

Dint what happens about those tasks on days you don't go round? He does them himself very, very slowly. At the moment he's getting help from district nurses and from reablement team as well. I'm not prepared to go round more than 2-3 days a week, he doesn't want to feel a burden on me. He's very independent and insistent he can cope on his own, I'm hoping this episode will show him that life can be easier with outside agencies.

yolo - it was very easy - I rang ward, was put through to ward sister, who seems to be the phone-answerer on the men's side, explained the situation, said the loss of his own drugs wasn't a problem, I'd got plenty (I sent him in with only 5 days worth just in case they lost them) but he was mid-way through a course of antibiotics. She immediately said "I'll send them across to you", and they arrived in a taxi shortly after. It's the only thing that has been easy.

I know £25 is nothing, but my public sector experience is that unexpected amounts are scrutinised by Accounts, and the smaller they are the more heavily they're scrutinised.

Grinchly !!!! And I was complaining about 12 calls before lunchtime!

Onedayatatimethistime · 03/01/2019 21:46

Thanks everyone, other dog and dd are doing a great job of distracting each other and we're sharing our bed with both of them at the mo. Dh and I will deal with it when we can. Dm doing ok, had morphine and something from the benzodiazepine family to aid her breathing - high as a kite this evening but comfortable. Keeping dd away until she stabilises.

foxyknoxy30 · 03/01/2019 22:04

So I don't know if you remember my mum got taken into hospital Christmas night but it's looking as if she won't pull through.She has an infection that they can't get under control and thinking only a matter of time .Sorry just don't know what to do.

Original poster
thesandwich · 03/01/2019 22:12

Oh foxy I am so sorry. Is hospice care an option? Wonderful places which help all the family. Or they often offer hospice at home?🌺🌺
oneday take care.
dint I don’t know how you are doing it.
cockroach to everyone- howis dh doing yolo

OP posts:
Grace212 · 03/01/2019 22:19

foxy big hugs to you. Is she responding to talk? what kind of ward is she on? Dad was transferred to a hospice, so much better than hospital.

mere ah, I see. Glad the ward sister just got on with sending the meds.

Grinchly · 03/01/2019 22:20

cockroach back to you @Yolofish and so glad @oneday there is another furred one remaining. It helps enormously but grief is grief whether human or furry so please take care of yourself.

Yes, had massive issue over Christmas ( obviously) with the Leaking Legs episode when I also discovered M had not been taking her meds, possibly for some weeks, cue numerous calls to set up social services then private care agency support to supervise med taking; more calls to both that day when the transfer of care didn't work and the pharmacy failed to deliver her new blister pack as instructed ( M had emptied the supply she had) social services, gp, community matron ( fab ally) her cleaner/ help etc etc. Oh and I work full time too.

Marathon, not sprint as @thesandwich wisely says .

Grinchly · 03/01/2019 22:21

So sorry foxy ThanksThanks

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/01/2019 22:32

foxy Flowers

just don't know what to do if this was merely a cry of distress rather than a request for help, stop reading now and don't look at the rest of what I say.

I hope she does pull through, but if it really is the end ...be with her as much as you can (but look after yourself too). Don't badger her to do things she doesn't want to do. Remember that hearing is the last sense to go, so talk to her even if she doesn't seem to hear you. Remember that people often hang on till their loved one has left the room, so don't beat yourself up if this is what happens to you.

Being there for her towards the end will help your grief, everyone feels guilty at not doing more, but doing what you can helps. Have a plan for when she breathes her last (that's what I remember when my mum died, my father saying on the phone in bewilderment "I don't know what to do. What shall I do? Where shall I go?). Then admin arrangements and funeral planning will carry you through the next week or two. And there will be lovely moments, rays of sunshine through the grief.