The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

sorry but I had to snort at chicken dad looking better than last time, and whatever dm only dying once! agree nota, when my dad died (in Ireland) I actually found the 'so sorry for your loss' which absolutely everyone said, quite comforting - like a shorthand to acknowledgement. stuffed with plum crumble, I am hitting my pit - had enough today.
cockroach to you all, and courage mes braves.

yolo as others have said, we don't really know what to say. I usually take my lead from the bereaved person - if they mention it first, I'll say something. But if they're waiting for me to make the first move, we don't get anywhere.

I suppose I was brought up in a family that didn't express emotions in public, so you weren't doing anyone any favours by acknowledging the death if the result was for them to end in floods of tears.

Entertaining DM here tonight
Got her on the sherry and playing cards for miniature Xmas tree baubles
She’s winning n having a whale of a time it’s very sweet!
I tried to talk to her earlier about DF and finance for care home etc but gave up as she just couldn’t comprehend

interesting about people ignoring the subject
mum and I have both had the opposite. People we are close with seem to go on about it, to the point we have to ask them to stop and say that we would rather hear what they have been up to etc.

in terms of acquaintances, absolutely everyone has acknowledged dad's death. when I go to collect mum's prescription, the receptionist says "how are you and mum doing?" and I don't know any of the staff at that surgery.

I wonder if people are more reluctant to talk about it at family gatherings and things, whereas the people we are seeing aren't likely to be around for more than an hour etc?

Hello Gerry-wranglers. Happy New Year to us all.

Mum continues to deteriorate, and of course there's no progress in getting anything sorted thanks to Christmas.

Dad insisted on taking her to this big family party, and she did far better than we expected : 3 hours before she begged to go home. So I managed to kidnap her so Dad got some time with family. And at least now they all know what a state she is in.

God she is hard work though. I laid in bed with her for 3 hours while she prattled nonsense and kept telling me she wanted a nap. If only!

As a Irish person living in England, I agree that some people here simply don't know what to say to you when a loved one has died.
But the support I got from my neighbours after my Dad died (in Ireland) was amazing.
Caseroles, flowers and cards delivered daily after I returned from his funeral.
But, words are important and it's better to say something than nothing.
'Sorry for your loss' hits the spot perfectly!

roisin It's not the first time you see someone afterwards that's the problem, it's all the rest of the times. What do you say the second time you see them, and the third? I'm OK the first time, "sorry for your loss" and take it from there. After that, I do variations on "how are you?""How are you getting on." and wait for them to give the lead as to how much they want to talk about the departed. What should I be doing?

I really don't know how to handle it. I've never lost anyone who was both close and a part of my everyday life, so I don't know what I'd want. I do know that when my Mum died and I was staying with my father to arrange the funeral, it really didn't help every time the visiting tradesmen - butcher, milkman etc - said "how is your Mum doing" and I had to explain yet again that she'd died. I really saw the point of outward signs of mourning - black clothes or armbands, closed curtains - coneys the message without you having you to do it.

Mere, I like your way, I can clearly signal I don't want to discuss it.

I know what you mean re outsiders. Blooming pharmacist said to me "I haven't seen your dad for ages". Now, given that I'd reappeared after 20 years out of the area, and given that he knew dad was on a fuck ton of meds, surely logic would suggest that was a silly comment? But no, he looked utterly flabbergasted when I said dad had passed.

critical test here - I was meant to stay 3 nights with mum, now staying 5 due to stressful incident that happened yesterday. Could be more! so, it will be a test to see if I can actually live here I think....Last week 3 nights was really hard work, but she's getting more accustomed to me pottering off and playing on MN so it might work...there's nothing happening today but I have to help with the stressful thing tomorrow and it's too far to go home and come back first thing.

so yes, I will no doubt update later!

That's all true "sorry for your loss" the first time and then "how are you all getting on" another three times maximum and then you risk becoming intrusive. Possibly the cue has to come from the bereaved?

If i asked how someone was (a friend) and they told me they were missing the departed i would feel like i had permission. If enough time has passed i try to talk about the dead person naturally "do you remember when your mum threw biscuits at the cat" type stuff.

Grace are you missing London yet? The traffic is back after a little holiday respite.

Thigh Many a post-hospital drive home was spent massacring a bit of Celine or a few Disney hits. Me and sis said if anyone had caught us they'd think we were utterly heartless but you take your distractions however you can!

thigh

I live in a not-nice bit of Zone 4 /5 - no, I don't miss it at all. I haven't enjoyed central London for a few years now so def don't miss that.

I also don't miss working! I've run a bunch of errands for mum this morning, which would be a norm if I moved in here. But renting the flat out would mean I could get very part time work - which I would try to get local to mum - and the local area here is so much nicer.

so much as it's weird to think of living with the sad elderly mummy, there are definitely pros. The idea of not working full time ever again is hugely appealing.

I've found a couple of local groups I can join - I'm not going to do anything just yet, or say anything to mum yet - but I think meeting people will be okay, or I'll get enough socialisation to suit me. I'm quite introverted anyway.

re songs and situations - when we were toing and froing from dad in hospital/hospice, I often stayed with mum, but when I stayed in the flat, I would sing along to music after visits and just try and relax. Not really appropriate here as mum was too upset for even watching TV.

I have thought that, theoretically, if mum got ill, it should be easier than it was with dad. It sounds odd but it's because when dad was ill, I felt like I had to look after two parents. So on some level it might be the case that looking after one is easier. I would get back from hospital visits after physically feeding dad etc - of course the nurses can do it but I preferred to do it - and then I'd be making sure mum was eating etc.

So it was kind of 24 hour stress, which I guess with any future care/illness of mum, it wouldn't be. though of course the stress of watching a parent suffer...or any loved one...argh. then there's the guilt thinking "well I'm not the one in the hospital bed so I have no right to moan".

though if I believed in a god, I'd be praying she goes without suffering as dad did. Well I'd pray everyone went without suffering really!!

Grace if you lived there, it would get to 24 hour stress. It's much easier to physically stand back and say "no I'm not doing more than x hours of care" if you're not actually living there. SS will talk about you "just" doing this or that for your mum, without any comprehension of all the background stuff you're doing for her. So go into it with your eyes open.

Meanwhile, I'm pondering at the ways hospitals use "data protection" to avoid giving fundamental information to those that they are relying on for the care of their patients - this morning I got "we can't really tell you anything over the phone", and the conversation continued:
"what arrangements have you made to get him into the house?"
"We've ordered the transport and they'll take him to the doorstep"
"So how are you going to get him into the house?"
"Why, is there a problem?"
"He lives alone and doesn't have a key with him".
"Oh..."

I half wish I hadn't phoned them, and let them sort it out for themselves.

Last time his discharge was delayed "because not everything is in place"...two days later it emerged that the sticking point was the OT wanted a comfy armchair downstairs. Neither OT nor hospital were planning to get a chair, and neither had spoken to us about getting a chair (which we did by simply moving a chair from his computer room upstairs to the room downstairs).

Dint what a mare.

I didn't express myself very well there. I meant if mum was in hospital - I mean I'd go home to an empty home rather than to look after someone else.

in terms of elderly care and social services, would they be involved if mum needs care? we would have to hire private carers as it's £23k in savings I think, for social services to pay for care (or did I totally imagine that?)

I forgot to say on here, I had coffee with a contact who did something similar ish. Her dad is ill, needs carers, her mum is the major earner of the three of them by a mile. So the contact rented out her home and moved back in with her olds to keep an eye on dad and the carers, so to speak.

she did this at 42, she's now 46 and she thinks it was the right thing to do all round. Her parents are quite young, so this is likely to be the rest of her life. I asked if she found it depressing living there and she said, it's a lot better than rushing visits around full time work and the rental on the flat is a lot less stressful than work. So that was thought provoking.

she does all the errands and gets on with her fitness (dance training in her case, much more time consuming than me running) and she is also happier socialising locally in the day time than going out to bars etc at night.

I'm not making any decisions till spring.

Your post has made me cry Iamdanish. I can't manage to post anymore but following anyway for now.

Mikado, big hugs
Please, please take care of yourself 💐
And this thread on MN is gold. If you need support, you can find understanding here with these wise, caring ladies.

Hi all. Can anyone share any experience of Donepezil? It's been prescribed for my mum but I'm scared of the side effects. She's already losing weight, has little appetite and feels dizzy. I don't really want to add to her problems.

Visited DF today he was bit more with it
I unpacked all his hospital bags, tidied room for him etc
DD is going on Friday to take down Xmas decorations
SW rang this morning and is not happy about how DF was treated in hospital nor how I was messed about over funding etc
It’s the gap between what SS fund and what the NHS will fund and neither seem to talk to each other
I’m now making complaint re discharge to assess system - not that I think it will achieve much - but they need to know how bad it is
First day back at work was tough and I didn’t get enough done so will put a few hours in tonight once I get off MN

Tough night last night. Youngest dog collapsed and died in dh's arms 1am ish. On way back from vets got call from hospital dm has pneumonia and was struggling to breathe. Went straight there and stayed till 5am. Really scary thought I was going to lose her too. Dd devastated today and don't know when dm will be discharged now. I can barely connect with reality today x

Oh so sorry to hear one day
Big hugs - hope DM starts to improve

oh oneday just the hugest hugs for you all. Dogs are family, and they never complain, and we just love them to pieces. I am so sorry for your loss of youngest dog.

Went round to mums tonight with ddog, I actually find it a very peaceful place to be and I always say 'hello mum' when I get in. And I keep a bottle of round there too, so it feels a bit like old times.

jace, dint, anyone struggling with the lack of comms between SS and NHS, I feel for you. Basically all I can advise is to stand right back, refuse to accept responsibility for your oldie, and let THEM put the care in place. Having said that, 3x social services visit per day is fuck all, so if you can pay for more then it may be worth it.

DF arrived home this afternoon without any meds. Had to phone ward and get them sent after him by taxi.

More seriously - he was discharged as he arrived - in vest, pyjamas dressing gown, socks and slippers. But, unlike the ambulance that took him, who provided a blanket, the private ambulance that returned him did not offer him a blanket, and moreover left him with the ambulance doors fully open for 5-10 minutes while they delivered another occupant.

Is it just one of those things, or should I complain about a 96 year old suffering from pneumonia being left inadequately covered for a 90 min journey when the outside temperature was 3 deg?

One day so sorry 🌺🌺
cockroach to all in the trenches..

dint that is disgusting - def complain. my complaint has fallen into some sort of NHS trough - requested all records and even PM results about 3 weeks ago and indicated that we might be complaining. even given xmas/new year/ general lassitude I need to remember to keep on top of it.