Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Oh bless you! I'm so sorry, that must be infuriating.

Lello, hope things are improving with a diagnosis. And worried- no wonder you want to murder your dB!!! I think he wins the s£&# sibling award often handed out on this board.....
Hope everyone else is doing ok..

Oh Worried, sorry you're carrying everything all by yourself. Maybe a tiny bit of a scream and shout at DB will make him realise how much you're doing?

No improvement for Mum. Surgery site is hot, red and swollen, and it still took 2 hours of begging & tears from us (and wailing & incoherent rambling from her) for a doctor to come look at it. Even then wasn't keen to prescribe antibiotics but hopefully bullied him into giving her some broad spectrum ones tonight. They'd ideally want to drain fluids from the wound, test for which bacteria, run bloods etc to prescribe something more specific but we said they can't leave her in that distress for any longer. She's not eaten anything really since Weds

oh lello that is awful. your poor mum, and you. hope antibs kick in soon

I don't put the bins out right apparently. And also I go away too often. FUCK OFF!!! (sorry, needed to say that)

Lello, so sorry to hear about your dm. Hope there is better news.
Yolo- what is it with the bins???? My dm is obsessed. Rant away... [ cake]
Hope everyone else is ok... bad weather brings it challenges too...

you need to put a brick on top of each individual bin apparently? I am 56 years old, have 2 adult children, have run my own house for years. I have NEVER put a brick on top of the bin.... gah!! sorry, it's funny really but has seriously pissed me off! thank you for cake and gin, I have red wine it's what gets me through.

Hey Yolo! I only got one rude comment about my funeral outfit. And that was it in a whole week! Unheard of.

I did stack the dishwasher wrong, carry the mug wrong, drive wrong, etc etc...

oh yes pickle the bins was just tonight's error. I dont know how you as a capable adult can possibly manage the dishwasher, mug carrying, driving, breathing etc etc. but you did well with the funeral outfit!!

Extra for all🌺🌺🌺🌺too.

I don't think i am a good enough person for this .Have elderly mother living opposite end of the country to me but in the process of moving up here to live.This will be the closest I have lived to her since i was 12 so am apprehensive to say the least as she can be unpredictable and hard work. But she was widowed 4 years ago and I only have one brother who lives abroad in a place with no direct flights to the UK so its only me and on balance it seems like the best solution . Obviously this has all been pretty time consuming and emotional but things had been going pretty smoothly , until Monday. when someone drove into her.

Very traumatic obviously but she is unhurt but now the car is likely to be written off and a new car will have to be purchased.The accident was entirely not her fault and the other party have admitted liability and whilst not the most confident driver I would say that she is Ok at the moment , but has no idea how car works at all .No idea how to buy a new car etc etc and to be honest i am not great about cars either and it will be traumatic because they always are with her.I just can't help thinking no not something else .

In addition my df (divorced from mother and with lovely dsm) has early stage dementia and FIL waiting for biopsy results for bladder cancer and dh only has one brother who is about as much use as choc teapot.

Have part time responsible job, trying to do MA course , dh who works long hours , and three ds youngest doing GCSEs and two others who for various reasons need support .Also have chest infection .I just want to pull blanket over head and shout 'leave me alone' Other people manage this why can't I .

Db sends texts from far away but is little help otherwise

Sorry that was a bit of a rant but just feel completely overwhelmed . The practical stuff I can just about cope with but the emotional support is killing me , I really find it difficult ...years at boarding school I suppose .

Yellow-rant away, you are very welcome and you are amongst ones Who Know all this stuff.....
None of us are saints or good at all this-we just do what we can. You sound as if you have a perfect stress storm on your hands and the camels back has been broken- you cannot fix all this at once.
Are the insurance people good?do what must be done, no more-and look after yourself. Could your dm have a rental car for now? Can she cope without one?Can you outsource getting one?
and many of us have found this stirs up all sorts of messy history which counselling can help with. Also, needmoresleep a regular here recommends a book-the selfish pig's guide to caring which you might find helpful.

@YellowPrimula - I hear you.

Years of rejection and boarding school here too. My mother wants to go home from hospital but can't, physically & mentally unable. She gets angry with me for not taking her. I remember the years of me asking her if I could come home, not be sent away again.

It's so bloody difficult. You will feel guilty whatever you do. Just seeing you some and letting you know you're not alone.

Thank you , she has a hire car at the moment so that’s a help, but not sure how long the insurance will pay for that. It’s odd because in some ways she seems very capable but in others she is not . Simply cannot imagine her buying a new car without a drama.

Also increasingly worried about FIL who sometimes seems to be living a different reality to the rest of us .PIL are also financially dependent which is a worry .

I think dB does care in theory but he just has no idea of the reality🙁

Ah, yellow. Don't be hard on yourself. We all struggle. I resent the emotional support my mum requires because she never gave me much. She and dad were totally bound up in each other. And she tries emotional blackmail, which makes it even harder to feel warmly to her.

When she moves closer to you, be clear in your own mind about what you can and can't help her with. So you could help her find a cleaner, but not clean for her. You could take her out to meet people at local groups, but then she needs to keep up those contacts herself.

And find some time to be nice to you! Sadly, the world doesn't throw us one problem at a time, and you need to pace yourself to get through.

Oops, I missed the update, sorry.

oh yellow and others how hard it all is. I do sense a common theme about a sense of rejection (a few other boarding school 'survivors' on here!) and how hard it makes it when the oldies become dependent on you.

DM tells everyone else I am 'marvellous' but when she tries to be nice to me (which is not that often) I just think 'fuck off, you sent me away when I was 10, you dont really know me'. sorry, that was a bit of a rant.

Have only phoned her the last 2 nights as she thinks it is too cold/dangerous/icy for me to walk round - I'm fine with that, her daily help has been getting in every day so far but then they get paid for it...

Every time I think we've got something sorted (finally got 6weeks of carer visits / assessment through social services and got her attendance allowance sorted) some other disaster hits!
Mum's boilers gone off she's in the red weather warning area, we thought we'd got it fixed (my dad and her carer went round -they walked as they couldn't get there by car, and defrosted the condensate pipe up a ladder!) but it seems to last a few hours then freezes again. My brother is the closest other relative but is at the other end of the red area so even in a 4x4 he's going to struggle to get there and there's no way I could get there (300miles yeah right I've not made it out of the village for 2 days!) and anyway I'm at home with 2 kids as DH is away. We've got a plumber coming in the morning - if he can get there!

Sorry everybody else is having a hard time, hope things work out soon

Oh wonky! Does she have any other form of heating?

I think we've got her sorted!
Told her to get into bed last night and generally stay there reading & listening to the radio with an extra duvet this morning.
In the meantime my brother managed to get a old school friend who knows my mum & lives closer to her to pop round and they got a plumber out in the end.
Bit conflicted as my brother wouldn't give me the contact number for the lady he spoke to at SS and said he would phone them. However in the meantime my dad had contacted them separately through some one he knew and they said they could get an emergency plumber and a fan heater out to her but it might take an hour or so. I don't know why my brother then told me that he had spoken to SS and they couldn't do anything at all. I know he hates 'the system' and if it's not his idea everything else is crap but I thought we'd got past that recently now I'm not so sure.