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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

992 replies

thesandwich · 04/04/2017 09:54

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

OP posts:
Original poster
thesandwich · 09/04/2017 19:52

Good to see you unmanned,pickle and Badders- sorry to hear of the challenges you are all wrestling with- and please don't feel guilty. Here you can say the unsayable in real life.
Pink- the presence of a churchy type person may register in some way with your df- and may help you. Just a thought. Do read back on the other thread which filled up- there are far too many dealing with all these challenges.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 09/04/2017 20:02

Found you!

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time Pink.

Badders, I hope you are enjoying your freedom and not feeling guilty.

Sympathies, Comet. I too am the only one for my DM who is 200miles away. Thankfully she is in a Nursing home now, but it was pretty tricky for a while. Just been up to see her and she was very confused and distressed, but looked well physically. She did know who I was, but is obviously hallucinating and is getting quite aggressive. She said again that she wished she had died.
So sad she and others have to go through this.

Original poster
thesandwich · 09/04/2017 21:20

Good to see you btm. It must be so hard to see your DM like that and then have to leave. In mil's final year it was so tough to see how unhappy she was- and she got aggressive too. Heartbreaking. Is your dd still planning to go to Bristol? Dd back for Easter and missing it badly!

OP posts:
Verticalvenetianblinds · 09/04/2017 21:37

Thanks unmanned they seem quite a lot for what they do when I could just make sure her mobile is charged, but she's keen for the peace of mind! Will carry on researching Smile

Original poster
thesandwich · 09/04/2017 21:43

Vertical sorry missed your question earlier- DM (90's)has one which has given her a lot of peace of mind as she can potter down the garden on her Zimmer frame knowing she could call for help if neccesary- and is not dependent on charging or carrying a phone. Age uk do one- hers was via a local housing association although she owns her house. Very worthwhile investment.

OP posts:
Unmanned · 11/04/2017 17:59

My mum never charges her mobile and "tidies" it away into a drawer!

picklemepopcorn · 14/04/2017 10:54

Vertical, have you asked the council or age uk or someone like that? My parents have been offered one for £1/week. They are in Wales, and some things are more available there.

I've been feeling a bit low. DF is becoming less himself, DM insisted he do another round of chemo though he didn't want to and we aren't sure if it is worth having. There are all sorts of issues with DM not necessarily being truthful with professionals about how well they are, but then getting angry when no support materialises. DB is a bit distant because he 'can't fix anything'. Doesn't seem to appreciate that a regular phone call helps everyone feel less isolated and makes sure we all understand the situation.

And worst of all, my lovely dad is dying, and not particularly enjoying his time because he and mum squabble terribly. She struggles with the 'less capable' man he now is.

Original poster
thesandwich · 14/04/2017 16:37

I am sorry popcorn. Flowers

OP posts:
Unmanned · 14/04/2017 16:43

Oh popcorn I'm so sorry Flowers

picklemepopcorn · 14/04/2017 17:54

Thank you. How do you know when you aren't coping? When I'm busy, I'm ok though a bit foggy and inclined to be forgetful. When I have a day free though, I don't want to get out of bed and just feel weepy all the time. We went out in the car for a walk and a coffee/cake stop, because I couldn't see any point in getting up. So maybe I should just stay busy.

I'm going to book with GP- I'm on thyroxine, and possibly peri, so I don't know whether I need ADs, or to up my thyroxine, or what! Probably need more CakeWineGin, to be honest. Confused

Sorry for self pity.

Unmanned · 14/04/2017 19:15

Popcorn I could have written much the same Sad I'm off to the GP on Tuesday

Badders123 · 14/04/2017 19:22

I'm sorry to hear that popcorn 💐

Mum is driving me mad😞 she is going. Away for 5 days with db and sil on Monday so she should be bloody delirious but instead she is getting anxious and stressed.

My brother is about as much use as a chocolate fire guard in an emergency and I think she is worried in case she takes ill

She has phoned me three times this afternoon with questions about her meds...she just doesn't listen to the dr or to me!!

I think I've sorted it but I will need to contact the Drs surgery on Tuesday as they have made an error 🙄

Grr

bearhug · 14/04/2017 21:55

Hope you don't mind me asking: my MIL has been moved into a nursing home a few weeks ago. DP is finding it very difficult to deal with. Emotions are running high and there have been arguments with his sister.

SIL has been heroic in looking after her for years to the point it affected her own health. As we live in a different country DP has not been able to do more than the odd week of respite care. Objectively DP knows there is no other solution. But he's hating it. DS and DP are staying in her empty house for the Easter holidays and are visiting her every day. Every day she demands to be taken home.

How do I best support him? And DS, 8, who is witnessing the family all upset...

We're on the phone for an hour a day and I listen, mostly. There is nothing I can do to fix this!

picklemepopcorn · 15/04/2017 17:30

Hope the GP helps us both, unmanned!

Badders, that is so familiar! We go round in circles with DM, trying to explain things, then she gets cross and impatient and next phone all it all starts again. Sad

Bear hug, that's hard. The thing is, we can only fix what can be fixed- some things just have to be endured. My DB is struggling in a similar way. He doesn't like engaging with the situation because it can't be fixed so it is upsetting. However, we need him to engage because it's emotionally very wearing. It needs to be shared around. The thing to do is make it as 'least bad' as you can. So supporting his DSis and his DM in something which is difficult for them, rather than risking undermining it with his doubts. I've been very frustrated when having spent ages helping them come round to a change which needs to be made, he questions whether it is necessary. So I have to explain it all over again to him, and then reassure my DPs again again. Again.

Unmanned · 17/04/2017 19:08

Well that's been a tough couple of days. Far too long to go into in full but I suggested asking my sister to come over (lives abroad) for a couple of weeks to let me have a break and my god you'd think I was the devil incarnate! Also not helped when sister said no......

I've been with mum for 6 weeks now and am literally on my knees. She's very hard work and whilst I know she's very ill and very frightened my nerves are shot to pieces. Every night I sleep lightly waiting for her driver to alarm out (twice its been charged) or waiting for her bell to go if she needs me.

My partner has been on his own (limited mobility) so I've been dashing over to take him food etc. I miss him and I miss my own home but she can't or won't see that.

My only option is respite care in a nursing home but she's refusing that.....

Sorry for self-indulgence Sad

Original poster
thesandwich · 17/04/2017 19:34

Unmanned I am so sorry. Do the hospice offer sitters? Or are there other agencies such as crossroads who could help? You cannot do this alone.

OP posts:
Unmanned · 17/04/2017 19:40

The hospice don't want to know unfortunately - in their actual words when I asked for help a while back "we are too busy we do have people with cancer you know" in a most condescending tone. I've not bothered with them since. We have carers coming in and a sitter but I just want to go home for a few days! Relax and have my own things around me etc. very selfish of me I know Sad

Going to gp tomorrow hopefully so see how we go from there

picklemepopcorn · 17/04/2017 21:15

Not selfish at all! If you become too ill to cope, from stress and exhaustion, then where will that leave everyone?

Original poster
thesandwich · 17/04/2017 22:10

Couldn't agree more popcorn. Please keep asking- you cannot do this all alone.

OP posts:
Badders123 · 17/04/2017 22:16

I'm so sorry unmanned 😞
I'm sure I would get the same response from my siblings if I asked for help
Mum is away now for 4 days and excepting sorting her meds out tomorrow and taking her bin in I am hoping for a mum free few days!
guilty

Badders123 · 18/04/2017 20:25

Ok - Meds sorted
Dr error - I even got an apology!
Mum phoned earlier and I declined the call 😳 but i was in the middle of some bank admin and didn't want to be disturbed
I'm planning a couple of days of doing nothing much!

Unmanned · 18/04/2017 20:45

Yay badders! 🎉

VintagePerfumista · 18/04/2017 20:55

Hello lovelies, hope everyone is as well as can be expected. Welcome pink to the corner no-one wants to sit in. Flowers

My Mum is now well settled into the care home and still ruling the roost according to my cousin who has been visiting and taking her bits and bobs. I still haven't actually spoken with her, my cousin hasn't suggested it, and tbh, I don't want to. I don't want to hear that "who are you again?" and then risk breaking the (quite tranquil) status quo and maybe nudge her back into lucidity and wanting to go "home". (I know that makes me sound awful, but she's happy as larry, has no clue I'm not ringing)

Badders123 · 18/04/2017 20:56

But she is happy vintage!
And so are you
Reasons to be cheerful 👍😊

Unmanned · 18/04/2017 21:51

Smile vintage

I was just reviewing my post re: hospice and it comes across as being very bitter/dismissive of those suffering with cancer Sad I'm sorry if I upset anyone I lost my dad to cancer 30 years ago and my best friend 3 years ago so I know what a bastard disease it is - again apologies for any upset Sad

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