Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Thank you! We're nearly there now.

Hope it went as well as it could pickle and hope you are ok.

Thank you! Yes, went smoothly. Lots of lovely things were said, my mum's expectations were met. Now, next steps begin. I think she'll accept help with tech, finance, etc. She's interested in getting PoA sorted for her, and I managed to joke with her about the need to plan her own funeral, as she clearly has very specific preferences!

Great to hear.Now look after yourself.🌺🌺

The non-drinking is frustrating though understandable for my mum who is constantly managing incontinence. I do find that several of my relatives (and actually me too) will drink squash, probably because it is sweeter. They still need someone to give it too them though

Hello everyone I've read much of the thread and am in awe of how much you all do and cope with.
My mother is 83, had a suspected mini stroke at some point a few years ago, a perforated ulcer two years ago, several falls (no I didn't) and has recently had a bad tummy upset.
She is stubborn as hell and can be very rude to her children if she feels that we are 'interfering' She has stopped taking her meds as what was the point when she was vomiting (2weeks ago), sleeps in her armchair all night under a throw and a coat and according to my sister who lives the nearest hasn't washed properly or eaten substantially in around two weeks either.
We are worried but she refuses to see doctor or acknowledge there are issues with her lifestyle.
Yesterday I made the decision to phone her gp surgery and dr said they would try and make a home visit.
Today message from dr saying she hasn't answered the phone and they will try just turning up there tomorrow.
I live at the other end of the uk from her. Sister is 45 miles away and brother is abroad.

That makes things so difficult. Does she have any outside contacts at all? A cleaner?

She has one friend who dropped in with milk while she was ill. She chats to neighbours but isn't on friendly enough terms that she would have them in for a cuppa.
I suspect she is a bit ashamed of the state of the house.
She would probably be dead set against any outside help.
It's the familiar feeling I've read from many on this thread of mixed guilt, worry and exasperation.

You can resist hitting him with his Zimmer frame! I haven't walloped my mum yet, so it can be done!

Seriously, no advice, just sharing your exasperation with stubborn, strong willed elders who won't accept help.

Poor DH has spent today trying to notify people of dad's death, while mum argued each case individually and checked there was no down side, and that it wouldn't cause a problem to tell the electric people before the bank or the bank before the electric. Perhaps we should wait and not tell anyone yet.

Welcome worried and vesty and hope everyone else is managing to just keep swimming.
Pickle- you must be worn out.
It is so hard when the elderlies are resisting help- very difficult and hard to handle. All we can do is to try and look after ourselves and do what we can. And involve as many detached professionals as possible.

Barely managing a doggy paddle here

After weeks of waiting for the hospital to sort my mum's discharge (complex due to delirium) we had decided to take her home and watch her 24/7 ourselves, to see if she improved in her familiar environment. But after visiting today she's massively declined, just rambling nonsense huddled up in her bed, couldn't understand me, couldn't even drink... Can't see that anyone could come back from that state to even close to normal, yet no one in the hospital seems to be concerned??

The nurses know she's got worse, she's been on the same ward for a month so they're familiar with how she is in there (was delirious almost immediately)

They've checked for UTI and chest infection but other than that just say she has her ups and downs. She has been confused/paranoid/a wanderer since she was in but going from that to barely functioning in a couple of days is a worrying deterioration in my eyes.

I've managed to speak to a junior doctor once in the entire time she's been in, and that was only after convincing the switchboard to bleep her for me after she had a fall and her discharge was cancelled.

Just so frustrating that she won't get any better while she's in there, but she's stuck indefinitely until suitable care can be sorted. Out of desperation me and sis made plans to take her home ourselves but a) we could only manage a week of 24/7 care ourselves (though the NHS would only do 3days max anyway) so if she's not drastically improved in that time we're screwed
b) if we can't fix this latest decline I don't think we could even cope by ourselves

This is so hard, we're not medics and we don't know what's best for Mum? At the very least if she's not drastically improved when I visit today I'm going to ask they give fluids and antibiotics regardless of if they've found infection or not, it can't hurt!

Can normally only visit after work, but we've been tying up the ward phoneline for weeks so been keeping ourselves as well informed as we can.

Sis seems pretty determined to take her home tomorrow if she's medically fit, which is pretty terrifying but i do agree staying in is going to do her no good whatsoever so cross your fingers for us!

Lellochip I had this when my DF was in hospital. He was taken in after a fall. He had terminal cancer and it was like his mental capacity had fallen off a cliff when he was admitted and just kept deteriorating, but the hospital didn't seem to notice. It was really strange, they were more concerned about his balance and getting him walking with a frame so he could go home.

Took them about 2 weeks before they seemed to notice and then told us the memory clinic would be able to help him. After 3 weeks they accepted he wasn't fit to be sent home and he needed to go to a care home. Unfortunately he died from his cancer before he could be moved.

I wish I had been a better advocate for DF. The only person who really spoke to me or my mum was the OT to talk about his mobility. The first time we managed to speak to a doctor was when the doctor from the palliative care team spoke to my DM 2 days before my DF died.

Keep pushing if you can. I am so sorry you are going through this

Sorry any of us have to go through this ineedaholidaynow , and so sorry about your dad. Did he have any dementia or similar before the hospital, or was it just delirium?

If we can't take mum home tomorrow then I'm going to push for moving her somewhere better suited to deal with her problems, surely they'd rather have their orthopaedic bed back and her somewhere where she can improve

He had been tested for dementia earlier last year, as his mental capacity had started to deteriorate, things like forgetting names of objects and struggling with technology, but he passed all the tests and we were told it was just old age. I also think many years of chemo had had an impact.

Once he had been diagnosed as terminally ill we had a couple of months chemo free, when ironically his health and memory seemed to improve. Few days later he had a fall in the night and had to go into hospital and I never had a proper conversation with him from the day I first saw him in hospital, it was like a switch had been turned off

Hospital never mentioned delirium, in fact I had never heard of delirium until reading about it on threads like this after he died, and it has made me think that this is what he was suffering from. But it is the fact that the nurses etc. never mentioned what was happening to his mind, although it was obvious he was deteriorating, that I found so strange. Mind they didn't mention his cancer either! I assume they are so used to seeing it in elderly people. DF was on a ward with other seriously confused patients.

DF wanted to come home but DM wouldn't have been able to look after him. After 3 weeks hospital finally had a meeting to discuss what should happen, they initially argued that DF was fit to go home, but finally agreed for him to go to a care home. Initially it was thought that it would be 6 weeks period (which I think is called something like reablement/rehabilitation) and then would be reassessed. Social worker told me he would improve no end once he was out of the hospital (if this was his first week in hospital I might have agreed with him) Unfortunately DF was too ill by the time a place was arranged for him and he died 3 days later. His death certificate stated that he died from cancer but that he also had dementia.

See if you can get this 6 week package in a care home for your mum (I think it is also free) So wished I had pushed harder earlier, outcome would have been the same there was nothing they could do about the cancer, but care/nursing home would have been better than the ward he was on.

Sorry if this type of care package has already been mentioned on this thread, I haven't read all of it.

Care home has never been mentioned, as she has no history of dementia they've always wanted to get her home. The discharge plan was for 4 normal care visits a day to assist her with broken shoulder. Once the OTs etc saw the extent of the confusion they also requested 'wraparound' care, which was someone 24/7 for up to 3 days to assess specifically how the delirium subsided, and if she was safe to be left home alone overnight.

It's this that's delayed everything as the 24 hour carers are in short supply, and patients going home for palliative care obviously take priority. There was also a delay when she had a fall in the hospital and got a small brain bruise.

The only mention of something like a care home was what would happen if after the wraparound care, she hadn't recovered sufficiently, she'd go to a 'step up' bed.

The plan at the moment is to take her home tomorrow, with the 4 care visits but without the 24 hour care... IF she is medically fit to do so. My sis will stay with Mum for a week, if by some miracle she improves drastically, great. If not, between us and therapist assessment, she'll go to this step up bed.

As we know this is an option for her, if she's not fit to come home tomorrow, I'm going to push for her to go straight to one of these beds ASAP. She's probably going to end up there anyway, and it frees her ward bed, and saves a very stressful period at home in the meantime. Though whether I'll get anywhere with that argument who knows.

Like you, no one ever mentioned delirium to me, and no one even asked about dementia etc, they just accepted this nutty patient without a second thought. I only knew about it because she had 2 days of it after a 4 day hospital stay 5 months ago. She was sent home after a night of raving about being kidnapped and I was told this was normal, she'll be fine, get her home etc, and left to it. She still wasn't 100% back to normal 4 months on, so I have very little hope for a decent recovery after 4 weeks of confusion But her previous history is why I've been telling EVERYONE from the second we got to A&E, 'she had delirium last time, please help us try to minimise it this time'

Vestly, did the docs get to see your mum yesterday?

Lello I hope you can get something sorted for your mum today.

My DF used to tell us he had been taken out of his bed in the middle of the night and taken to a small room to be interrogated Chances are the nurses were just taking him to the bathroom. He was just so confused.

I am so sorry to read all the above, we are all just struggling along.
pickle I hope you get to go home soon, and glad all went as well as it could.

The delirium comments: DM went completely loopy on morphine, could that be involved with any of your DP mentioned here?

I have had 3 lovely nights away from DM (work, but was nice!) and back to normal routine tonight. sigh.

No morphine for weeks, don't think she's on any drugs she wasn't before, apart from paracaetamol. The discharge is definitely off for today but on the plus side there's signs of infection so that would explain the sudden downturn. Doesn't help with getting her out but good to have an explanation