Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Have you read Hugh Marriott's "The Selfish Pigs Guide to Caring". It covers all bases in terms of the less attractive emotions that everyone, other than real saints, feel when caring for others. There is a chapter on those that are paid to support but effectively do the opposite.

Nota i’m sorry. I have had the same when professionals expect me to stay overnight with dm/ do all the caring. It is insidious and creeps in to your mind. Stay strong.

That's terrible. Can I suggest looking anxious and worried? People seem to assume strong people can do it all, and don't understand the situation unless you make it emotionally visible. I've learned that saying calmly 'this is unsustainable, I need help' gets me nowhere. I need to be visibly panicking about running out of annual leave etc. Otherwise people assume I have it under control.

It doesn't come naturally! I was once told during a fostering supervision that I needed to learn to ask for help. I'd been begging for help for months using my nice words. It wasn't until I cried that she heard me.

Nota - it's crappy, even when you are doing so much, there are people who think if you aren't there 24/7 you aren't doing enough.
They forget you need to do stuff for your life too - not even fun stuff just the essentials.

I had mums 'useless' GP give me the solution for mum not taking her essential meds (she says she takes them but only takes them if someone sits there and watches her) was for me to 'pop in and supervise her every day' - this was despite her knowing I live 300 miles away, have a job, a baby, a school aged child and a disability- yep I can obviously do that!
She then told me I should really be doing more hands on care.

I think the powers that be need to front up and say 'we do not have a Social care system that allows you to live independently throughout your old age. Plan accordingly, make sure you live near a family member or go into sheltered accommodation.'

We've all moved around the country for work, there are few home makers/community supporters any more. I had no one to look after my kids when I was at work, and now I'm not near my parents when they need me.

We need to reconsider this individualism thing, and look at the whole community again!

Oops, sorry, heavy rant over...

thank you all for your support. I think the point about looking anxious is a good one - unless you are visibly bowing under the pressure, there is an expectation that you can take more. The amount of phone calls that I have had to make today in order to get one part of the system talking to the other has been mad. What on earth happens to those elderly people with issues who don't have people like us around to keep things moving along?

Oh wonky! What an awful gp. Pickle- agree! And how do elderlies without champions cope? I think many don’t- bed block, and live unsupported. The system is broken.
Hope everyone is doing ok- pickle how are you and your mum?

good point nota. I've ordered that 'selfish' book someone mentioned above. I dont understand how we all have to be at breaking point in order for anything to happen but hope your DM is at least safe and being cared for at the mo so you can breathe.

DM has 'disinvited' DB etc from visiting this month on grounds she cant go anywhere. She saw a specialist yest who prescribed stronger morphine patches, 10-14 weeks max rest and another CT scan; daily help is great but as today is her day off was sent someone else who she took against frm the off.

DB and DSIL will come anyway and stay visit with their son/DIL and baby and come and see mum for a day which should at least be a distraction.

I'm ok, though the flu seems to be trying to return. I've decided to take a leave of absence from one of my jobs, and possibly not return. It's quite and intrusive, inconvenient job, and I just can't be bothered to do it. I do t need the mo ey, I was doing it in order to feel independent and have options in the future.

Mum's ok, though getting a bit ratty when I offer help with arrangements. She's all 'why does this have to be done now' followed by 'why do I always have to do everything at the last minute and in a rush'. Well, we do it now so we don't have to rush it at the last minute, mum. Facepalm.

Pickle, leave of absence sounds like a good plan. But use that time for you. Dont tell dm. Hope you are feeling better soon.🌺🌺

oh pickle yes definitely guard that extra time for you x

Tough week here. Mum having very paranoid, distressed times.

She rang me last night to say my dad had her trapped in M&S warehouse in our local high street. Also convinced they have huge rent arrears and will be evicted at any moment so reluctant to answer phone or door. I was round there the other morning and she was raging about how dad had never worked a day in his life. I spent couple of hours trying really hard to soothe her without arguing. They both worked, they were great with money, I have power of attorney, they own the house, all is well.

Suddenly thought last night maybe this is UTI so rang GP and minor injuries to see if I could get an urgent appt. GP told me to phone at 9am. I rang this morning and all the appts gone but we could go at 5pm and wait to be fitted in. However they then called back a few mins later and offered 11am appt. Mad rush, fib to mum that she was due an urgent check up. 17 yr old dd2 leaped out of bed and ran round to help her get ready. Lovely gp took urine and blood and was happy to prescribe antibiotics on basis UTI very likely.

Dad’s had a bad week so I took mum to my house for lunch to give him some calm time to himself. Got the wood burner going, made lunch, watched TV. Took mum home late afternoon and we found dad in the garden chatting to a pair of robins. All animals love him and gravitate to him - DD2 reckons he has an inner Disney princess.

We moved house to be near my parents - we’re 10 min walk from them which is pretty amazing in London. I’m using their savings and spending a lot on carers and a day Centre. The carers and the day Centre are ace but as the dementia progresses there are loads of things that only direct family members can help with. So I’ve ended up reducing my hours at work. My brother is nearby and helps a lot but he can’t help with the most stressful episodes - has an uneasy relationship with mum and doesn’t cope well when she’s distressed.

I love the idea of your dad harbouring an inner Disney princess Along. The only thing I can say is take those pleasant moments when they come - they are rare. Good spot on the UTI as well. My DM doesn't drink water - says she doesn't like the taste - so I have got used to hospitalisations due to dehydration/UTIs which could probably be avoided if she drank more, but hey ho.

I bought a copy of the book NeedsMore recommends up thread, but have yet to read it. Something I should get to this month I think.

That sounds tough, along.

Nota, have you tried getting liquids into her in other ways? Jelly, soup etc? It doesn't need to be water, I don't think.

The UTI thing is quite scary, isn't it. Hope the ABs help quickly.

Hello everyone, may I join in? I’m on my way to spend the weekend with DM, & my sister & I have a meeting with the manager of the semi-sheltered housing she lives in. We’ve had an officious & frankly rude email from her & DSis (local to DM) says she feels permanently on the naughty step, both with her & the carers who go in at lunchtime. DM is lovely; been pretty independent but memory loss is worsening & this week she’s been unwell. Really cross that the manager suggested it might be that she’s worrying about DSis going away (having 1st holiday in years...). DM won’t even remember. She has someone going in every day & I will stay each weekend while DSis is away. So I think we are about to enter new territory, trying to sort more support & maybe a move. Also this weekend, DD1 has gone back to uni & DH has gone in the opposite direction to visit his DM just out of hospital!
to all of you, dealing with difficult situations.

Ugh to the UTIs. Late MIL was prone to them because, despite being instructed after a surgery to drink plenty of water every day, she wouldn't. So worrying to see her unwell but so frustrating that it was self-inflicted.

It's so true that the social care system isn't (and probably never could be) big enough to cater for everyone who might need it and yet the demands of modern life mean that most middle-aged children will struggle to fill the gaps. It isn't just about individuality; in my first career we were in theory nationally mobile, so we could have been posted hundreds of miles away, with little choice in the matter.

Just called my DM and she has struggled to put on her gas fire though she has 24hr central heating.

Her passing comment was "your dad can't get it on either, but I got there in the end." My DD is gone 18 months I gently pointed that out to her and she said "I know but you know what I mean"

DM in v bad pain today - coughing accentuates spinal fracture pain. hadnt eaten all day so made her soup and bread and butter and a fruit fool from the fridge all of which she ate while DD2 and I chatted to her. going round tomorrow with a shelf unit to get all her tins/dry food etc out of high cupboards as realised today she cannot reach stuff. Also got to email help agency as she and friday lady did not click...

My sympathies to all, this is so bloody hard!

Hello blog - recognise you from the higher ed threads! Sorry you have to join .and Little too- rant away. You are amongst ones who understand!
Yolo- sounds hard with your dm.
Pickle- take care.
Hope everyone else is ok.

Hi blog and little. It's been almost a decade for me so both 11+ and higher ed threads.

DM has dementia and is in very (24 hour warden) sheltered housing. I recognise the naughty step well. As if I am responsible, 150 miles away, when her shower leaks or she wanders off.

I tend to suck it up. I went to see a couple of top of the range care homes, the sort that have plush carpets and no smell. I was depressed by both the cost and the hard sell. My mother would hate it.

Sheltered is so much cheaper and nicer. Albeit more work for me.

My mother can be very cantankerous. I try to keep her in their good books by agreeing to their suggestions, e.g. paying for someone to accompany her to lunch to help ensure she is not rude to others, and by having her contribute generously to the entertainment fund and staff Christmas fund. And let the telling off's wash over me.

My mum would normally deny she has a carer even though she has three calls a day. But her 'behaviour' was a lot worse when her regular carer went on holiday. Wandering etc. (Though she liked being brought home in a police car.) Routine and familiarity are so important to her.

Hello again sandwich & need! Lots of varieties of hard situations here & sorry you’re in this club too. Our latest plan is to see if carers have availability to come for an hour each morning, to add to existing lunchtime arrangements. I’ve woken Mum this morning & she doesn’t want to get up yet, but with carers she’d have to. Maybe that’s a good thing, but the lack of choice not so good! Mum’s days lack purpose (as she has said herself) & her (undiagnosed) dementia means it’s hard to see what she could do with her time... She is aware enough to know what she’s lost/is losing

That's tough. All of you. or perhaps for your

Blog, you may find this changes. For a while DM was quite depressed and would often refuse to get out of bed. I asked the GP if we could try anti-depressants. They worked a treat, but she only needed them for a few months. Now she no longer remembers what she has lost.

We are now on three calls, as she was forgetting to eat the sandwich which was left for her in the fridge in the evening, and waking up feeling nauseous. Additional calls have the advantage that the carer can prompt her to drink more.

I also used a carer, one she liked, to take her out a couple of times a week. A change of scene made a huge difference. Even if she could not remember that she had been.

She is getting slowly worse. Yesterday she asked why her parents had placed her in her sheltered housing.

Mum is maybe 10 years into Alzheimer’s. Still knows us but doesn’t always recognise my dad when she’s tired in the evenings. We’re lucky to have a dementia day centre nearby and she goes there 3-5 times a week depending how she’s feeling. It mkes a huge difference. She had become isolated through dementia. This raises her well being in subtle ways - really helps

we've decided to try and feed mum more - so tonight I am taking round the roast we had for lunch (specially selected leftovers I can microwave when there) and eg if we have risotto there is usually masses left. hoping this will encourage her to eat a bit more or at least vaguely healthily. Took all her stuff out of cupboards she cannot reach today and put them on a waist height shelf unit in the kitchen.... flowers, gin, wine etc for all of us (meanwhile DH's business partner has grade 4 cancer so as you can imagine that is not exactly stress-free...)