Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Sorry came on to add my own thumbs up for pharmacy delivery service. Mother's one is excellent. Scrip sent from GP to pharmacy, who deliver. Recently they got her an emergency lot of painkillers to the house in 20 minutes from me ringing.

Hi
Just an update - after a nightmare back and forth with my mums GP surgery I finally got her an appointment. No idea how somebody who isn't fully with it negotiates their system, I found it so complicated I actually screamed when I got off the phone!
Got somebody to take her but the feedback I got from them was that the GP checked her over but wasn't very helpful and hasn't done what I asked - I told GP mum isn't taking her meds (evidenced by home help and others who have gone into her home) but GP asked mum who said "yes I am" (she says that to me even when I'm stood in front of her with a full box of meds she clearly hasn't taken) and she said that was good enough for her and said she clearly didn't need extra support!
Spoke to the SS duty officer yesterday who said mum isn't on their system but he'd put her on there and they would look at what they could do. He phoned me back today and said they are the physical team and there is a different person to speak to for mental health issues and I would have to contact them and explain everything (I had already explained to him)
In the meantime my dad popped round to check on my mum (divorced but still friendly) for me this morning and she was very confused, she suddenly disappeared upstairs and then promptly forgot he was there. He was worried about leaving her but couldn't stay any longer so went over her day planner with her and told her to wait until her home help came in this afternoon.
He left me a phone message to tell me his concerns and what had happened.
This was followed by a phone message an hour later from my mum saying that my dad had abandoned his car outside her house and had obviously got lost and she had no idea what he was up to it was all "very suspicious"
I was out at work, got in phoned mum, settled her down & told her to have a cup of tea & wait for home help to come, phoned Dad to touch base and then phoned the mental health team and explained everything again and updated with this mornings confusion
They have just phoned back and said they will review with her consultant tomorrow about whether or not she needs to be seen again.
Problem is nobody seems to want to address the fact that I'm worried about her being on her own and not safe!
I physically cannot be there even if I could make arrangements for kids / work etc my own health is shit at the moment so driving down would be almost impossible and I have my own hospital appointments to attend which would be almost impossible to rearrange.
Every time I get off the phone with somebody I either want to scream or cry or both!

Thank you, the prescription thing is just the tip of the iceberg! I would have no issue either my husband or I collecting the prescription and dropping it down to her, but she wants independence..... but due to her being diagnosed with a neurological condition she needs to wait to get permission to re-start driving. She needs to see the GP, but "can't" get to the GP...... it is all complaints, and no action on her part. I think actually she is so depressed that she is looking for a way for her life to end, and stopping the tablets is one sub-conscious way of achieving that aim.

She is pushing me away, but crying out for help, she says that she will not go to counselling for grief, and will not talk to church or other people she knows. She can "only" talk to me or my sister, but since my sister lives abroad, she can't talk to my sister..... So not good!

Sorry it feels good to just whinge a bit to people who might understand how hard it is caring for a stubborn older parent.

It is so good to be able to share the whinges and the pain. Because 'everyone' thinks it's what you SHOULD be doing, caring for your ancient relly, and you should do it with a glad and smiling heart and they should be sweet lovely old things who are so grateful for every little thing you do... and the reality is you spend hours sorting out bloody bureacracy, shouting at them becuase they are stone deaf and by the time you've repeated yourself 3 times you've lost the will to live and cant remember what you were saying anyway. Then you add in the physical stuff you have to do for them (and I'm lucky I know - no personal care just household stuff). Whinge away all of us, we need it.

Wonkeylegs - you sound like you are in a difficult situation too. I hope the mental health team step up to help.

Mightybanhammer -it is the sheer relentlessness of it that is the worst, I can empathise with that.

yololegs - you were right before the apology, she is a nightmare! I actually have no desire to put her in a nursing home, as it would not solve the issue of her emotionally draining me!!!!

Alonglongway - unfortunately there is not the opportunity for pharmacy delivery where we live, but she has plenty of options, she has all her marbles so to speak and could quite easily utilise a numer of options if she really wanted to do anything about it.

I am sorry I have not really read back to find out all your situations, but I hope that I will get to know you and be able to be part of this support group!

Hello willit be and mighty- sorry you have to join us here but feel free to rant away and say theunsayable- no one will judge as we vent our frustrations and anger...
Plus plenty of wisdom from those who are on or have shared this journey.
Pickle- how are you doing? Thinking of you.
And it is so frustrating when those who have capacity choose not to make lives easier for themselves. But then it should not become our problem to solve.

Oh willitbe that sounds dreadful. How manipulative. Have a hug. I need one too so it will do us both good.

yolo - yes yes yes. Absolutely every bloody word.

Yes pickle I am thinking of you too. The thread took off in a different direction with us newbies.

The thing that gives me nightmares is that I am doing all this for DM who lives 2 mins walk away - DB comes as often as he can but they are 200 miles away.

When PIL need care, they are an hour's drive away. SIL (the golden child) lives another 1.5 hours away in a different direction and works in a school. DH runs his own business. I work part time from home. Guess who's going to be called on for PIL's needs?? Which will be difficult as we have a fairly mutual antipathy...

pickle I hope you are as ok as can be

Welcome to the thread newbies. It is a club that nobody wants to be a member of.

My latest is having to deal with mum's fence that the latest storm pretty much wrecked. She is suspicious of me, but incapable of sorting anything herself. I have had to beg a friend's husband to help sort it for me. God only knows what she will say to him, but it is a shared fence with her neighbour and therefore has to be sorted.

And next week she has 3 bloody medical appointments on different days. DB is covering one, me the other two.

If it's not one thing...

monkey hope fence went ok?

Dh and I went round today to fit the keysafe and fix the cat flap at lunchtime which meant I got the evening off hurrah!

Tomorrow is the start of DM's new regime. At 11.30 agency manager and daily home help and I will all meet at mum's (after I've driven DD1 back to uni, leaving at 7am god help me). So I meet the daily lady, can show her everything and explain little foibles, like the fact that DM talks while you are in another room despite not being able to hear the answer unless you are face to face and within 3 feet.

Is it really bad of me to hope that she becomes quite dependent on this lady? The idea that someone comes in and does the basics, makes her a cup of tea and has a chat, and then spends extra time doing stuff that DM cant do but would like (eg clean the silver, dust the bookcases) I hope will make her feel more in control. and also that when I walk in the door she doesnt immediately start issuing orders before I've even said hello which REALLY pisses me off...

Monkey - hope all the appointments go well this week, and that the fence got sorted.

Yolo - glad that you have found someone to help with some of your mums daily help.

I am taking time away from caring for my mums needs directly still. Yesterday my husband and I went over to her house, so that some of the numerous Christmas boxes could be put in the loft. I asked for what shopping she needed and went shopping.. On my return she turned on the waterworks for my benefit..... my husband is now getting all the snarky comments instead of me. Fortunately he is much more able to ignore them than I can. Next week I have to take her to a hospital appointment, an hour driving each way in the car, should be an interesting few hours.

Nice thing is that this coming weekend my husband and I are getting away for a few days much needed respite.

Pickle, how are you doing?

How is everyone else?

Gah. Elderly parent is getting stroppy about the carers. DParent just hung up on me. no doubt trying to apply pressure for us (mainly local sibling) to do all the care. Not doable. My guts are in a bloody vice. DParent has no idea all the pressure we're under with jobs, kids with SN, spouse works away etc etc. Am a hideous mix of anger and guilt.

Good news, she likes the carer (major breakthrough).

Bad news, she is worrying about money and therefore the house is fucking freezing. She's fine, because we bought her an electric throw for Xmas which she huddles under but anyone else who visits and sits down for even a few mins turns to an icicle!!

head no, it is not doable, they will have to hang on in there

DM appears to have a UTI. She is talking nonsense and wandering. The reception have prevented her from leaving for a 'coach trip'. Otherwise though she is well and eating.

The wonderful carer stayed overnight, and the GP was content to prescribe antibiotics straight away before test results came back. If the UTI assumption is right, it will be good to knock it on the head before there is any need for hospital. There are a lot of germs and virus out there at the moment.

Nothing for me to do bar pay the bills. It seems that the carer has managed to arrange a provisional rota for overnight care till the end of the week. Though as always there is possibility I might have to drop everything and rush down. I hate that continuous low level stress.

One new piece of knowledge. Sheltered housing have required to see DBS and other certificates for my mums directly employed carer. The demand seems to have come from Head Office and their insurers. Luckily all is fine. Indeed my mum has public liability/employer insurance and so does the carer, as well as car insurance that lets her drive my mum places. But that with NI and the shiny new NEST pension. I feel like the queen of bureaucracy.

Next task. Court of Protection. Has anyone ever made a financial application there. It's very straight forward. Family member wants to repay (note repay, not borrow) a loan. But apparantly it needs approval. My mum's solicitors are threatening to charge £5000, which is disproportionate. In theory I should be able to complete the forms myself, but they are full of impenetrable legal jargon. I am bound to get something wrong. And the guidance mainly relates to capacity questions. Last month I felt like a personnel officer. This month I have moved on to being a family solicitor.

Great news yolo about the carer!!! Step back!!!!!!
Will it.... again, step back. Dp will not understand your stresses. And enjoy your break!!!
Not a..... that sounds tough. Please don’t feel guilty.
Nms- hope your dm improves. Your carer sounds awesome. I do know what you say about that low level of stress ever present... just waiting for that call. And as for beaucracy...... frightening.
Pickle- thinking of you, and mighty. Take care.

UTI - Amazon sells test strips that are much cheaper than the ones from Lloyds chemist although you need a level of compliance to get the sample to test. I have them in so that she can be marched off to the doctor as needed rather than argue about whether a visit is necessary.

Court of Protection - I always thought that this was about being appointed to make decisions that someone lacked the capacity to make for themselves. If X is repaying a loan to Y what is the decision that Y should be making? Have I missed something here? I can see that there is a decision if Y is making a loan but surely the decision point is long since gone?

Useful 're strips. I need to get some.

Court of Protection covers all sorts of stuff. There is a pretty dense bit of guidance: Court of Protection Practice Direction D which covers financial stuff, buying and selling of property, changes to wills, gifts, allowing expenses etc. The thing worth knowing is that the Land Registry seem to have tightened up and may now demand to see COP approval for any transaction involving an Attorney. Conveyancing solicitors may not be aware. The loan to be repaid is, to ensure everything was above board, was organised through solicitors and secured against property. I will sort it out eventually. But really worth checking requirements if you needed to sell a property in a hurry. Particularly if it is being bought, albeit at market rate, by a relative.

By the time this is over my collection of obscure knowledge will be huge.

Just had a call back from GP receptionist and surprise surprise mums bloods show she hasn't been taking her meds! GP is going to call me back and discuss where we go from here - I shall resist the urge to say ' I told you so!' when she calls.

I'm back!

Glad the GP is sitting up and taking notice, wonky!

I'm fine- honestly, it's a relief not to be worrying about Dad. His last months were not good, and we were so powerless to help. Now it's just mum to worry about- she's agreed to a GP appointment (says she doesn't know why, but the GP is hounding her to go!). In fact, the hospice contacted her GP and told him they were concerned about her because of behaviour they had seen. It's an amazing surgery, she's only recently transferred there and you can get an appointment and they answer the phone and everything! Unlike her last surgery where you couldn't actually get an appointment by the time you'd got through on the phone.

Anyway, I'm genuinely fine about Dad. Just need to get mum through now. She's a bit feisty, and her affairs are quite complicated, but one day at a time we should get there. She's doing remarkably well.

Thank you for all your thoughts!

Good to see you pickle! So glad you have had good support from the hospice. Surgery sounds great too. But do give yourself time too. Thinking of you!

Wonky - hope the GP is more pro-active now you have been proved correct!

Pickle - do take time for yourself, I found after my father died, dealing with all the administration issues for my dads finances and sorting out mums finances, meant that I did not take the time to grieve like I should. It is hard when there is a mixture of relief and grief. Thinking of you.

headinhands - I hope that the situation with the carers gets sorted soon. Try to reassure yourself that you are doing all you can, aren't we all!

pickle - what willit said about allowing yourself time to grieve. My DF dropped dead when I was 35 weeks preganant with DD1 and honestly it didnt hit me properly for a long time after I'd helped mum, given birth, dealt with newborn etc. But I totally understand your relief.

I need to vent. DM was hospitalised yesterday: I took her to a routine GP check-up which escalated into being sent to A&E, and then admitted to a ward. Oddly, she seemed completly fine in herself. Once she was on the ward and ordering lunch, I excused myself, telling the nurses that I was clearly no longer needed and so would get to work. I managed a half day working at home, and my boss was ok with things going from being a little late in, to a half day absence. Although there is a limit to how understanding I can expect him to be. So I went to DMs house in the evening to pick up her nightie etc, and got to the hospital just before the end of visiting hours at 8. The nurses asked me where I had been, and that my mum had been asking for me. I said... I work, so I have been at work, as I told you at lunch. They looked quite disappointed in me. The thing is, I get that all the time when it comes to DM and her frequent hospital admissions, caring needs, etc. But the very fact that these are women who work extremely long hours, I don't understand why I get these all the time from them. Frankly, if I had to be with her each time someone expects me to be, I wouldn't have a job to go to. And I know that nobody gives my brother this stuff.

Sorry, that was a freeform rant.